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Original poster

Really just feel stitched up being a female - the kids are ultimately my problem

157 replies

snowballon · 09/12/2022 17:11

I don't know why I'm writing. I guess I just feel so alone and there is nothing I can do to change my situation right now.

I'm burning out. I am really just done with it all.

My kids ( 7 months and 3 ) have been sick on and off and out of childcare for almost a month now. My husband has one day off a week and even then, he makes himself busy with house tasks ( which do need to be done to be fair ). He comes home at 8:45-9 pm every day and leaves at 6 am. It's just about bearable when I can send the older one to nursery and the younger one goes to a child minder occasionally so I can go to the gym. I obviously do all night wakings, as my husband's schedule is too full on. Even when he's home though, I try to spare him a bit. He just looks si fed up when holding the baby or playing with the toddler. He needs a break too etc. I get my break apparently, because I can go to the gym. Obviously not lately.

I have not been able to do any of my usual stuff for almost a month. I have just been sat her looking after two sick kids, day and night, basically. Begging for someone to come and help me / visit me. My in laws live close by. My family do not. My in laws come sometimes, but I really need them to come a bit more. Not to help really. I just need some adult company.

I saw MIL and had a crying fit. She didn't seem to sympathetic about it. I'm embarrassed, but it's getting to the point that I can't control when I cry. It happened to me a few months ago, where I would just cry in public and be unable to stop. It's really embarrassing. It's now happened in front of her. She just said to stop crying and to be strong.

I just can't take it anymore. How do people cope ? Why can't I cope ? I just feel like no one understands how hard this is, like, mums just do this ? Now of course, I also feel poorly myself. Both kids constantly need me and screaming for me. I just feel like I've been stitched up. It's always my problem. They're ultimately my responsibility. I would rather go to work. I'm on Mat leave. But I know when I go back, it's still my problem to run the household and look after them, because my husband makes more than me.

I love my babies, but it's killing me. There's no thanks for this, apart from their love. Husband comes home grumpy because sometimes it's a mess and there's no food. I'm at my end.

OP posts:
Testina · 09/12/2022 17:50

“by the time I get back- he'll look annoyed and can't wait to pass the baby back for example. Because his job is so intense etc.”

Do you mean he says it’s because his job is so intense? Or that’s actually what you think? Please god it isn’t the latter! Enjoying your children is an excellent way to destress from work.

You can’t make him change. But you can work on not giving a shit about his “intense” job and not pandering to lie ins of your own accord.

It would help to understand why he’s working that much though. Is it financial necessity or not?

DucklingDaisy · 09/12/2022 17:55

What would be the consequence if he worked shorter hours? Is he saying his business would go under, that he'd just take home a bit less? Could you manage? Is it possible he's working longer than necessary because he prefers being out to being home? Has he always worked this many hours?

I've got kids similar ages to you and it's bearable because most nights my husband gets home to do dinner and bedtime, and then often works from home in the evening when the kids are asleep.

jamoncrumpets · 09/12/2022 17:58

This isn't a being a mum problem. It's a DH problem.

You have to be assertive in telling your DH what you expect from him, because he's currently relishing in the grey area where he claim ignorance.

So you say 'You will do the night wakes on x, y, z days. On your day off you get up with the kids and do breakfast every other week. Two nights a week you come home and have dinner/bedtime with the kids'

Once he's been confronted by the shit he should be doing he will only have two options, say no and look like a shithead, or try to help more. But you're going to have to push him to that because right now he is coasting.

I would also go to the GP about your mood and look into medication and talking therapies. CBT is a bit rubbish, but you might benefit from having an offload to someone once a week.

jamoncrumpets · 09/12/2022 17:59

Also go easy on yourself OP. It IS really, really hard.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 09/12/2022 18:00

Your husband is the problem here.

Original poster
snowballon · 09/12/2022 18:02

jamoncrumpets · 09/12/2022 17:58

This isn't a being a mum problem. It's a DH problem.

You have to be assertive in telling your DH what you expect from him, because he's currently relishing in the grey area where he claim ignorance.

So you say 'You will do the night wakes on x, y, z days. On your day off you get up with the kids and do breakfast every other week. Two nights a week you come home and have dinner/bedtime with the kids'

Once he's been confronted by the shit he should be doing he will only have two options, say no and look like a shithead, or try to help more. But you're going to have to push him to that because right now he is coasting.

I would also go to the GP about your mood and look into medication and talking therapies. CBT is a bit rubbish, but you might benefit from having an offload to someone once a week.

Sorry to just pick up on the last point - your other suggestions are also good, thank you for taking the time to write.

Regarding CBT and offloading - that's the issue I have with it. They don't let you do that anymore. I've had CBT previously, many years ago and was able to offload a bit. The last couple of times I've done it more recently, they don't let you offload much anymore.

OP posts:
Farmageddon · 09/12/2022 18:03

You have a DH problem. He needs to step up and have more time with the kids, doesn't matter if he finds it boring. You need proper time off and to know you can rely on him - it sounds like he is using work and doing odd jobs as an excuse not to spend time with his children. What an arse.

This is the type of stuff that kills marriages, honestly the resentment will eat you up. You need to be clear with him that unless he changes your relationship may be irrevocably damaged.

What was he like with your first child? Did he help at all? I hate to ask but did he actually want kids, like was he excited about it?

jamoncrumpets · 09/12/2022 18:03

I know OP, CBT isn't an offloading type therapy. You need a counsellor, someone to tell all your shit to.

jamoncrumpets · 09/12/2022 18:04

DucklingDaisy · 09/12/2022 17:55

What would be the consequence if he worked shorter hours? Is he saying his business would go under, that he'd just take home a bit less? Could you manage? Is it possible he's working longer than necessary because he prefers being out to being home? Has he always worked this many hours?

I've got kids similar ages to you and it's bearable because most nights my husband gets home to do dinner and bedtime, and then often works from home in the evening when the kids are asleep.

I agree with this too, this is what kills marriages. Then you separate and he gets his overnight once a fortnight, which works out great for his lazy arse.

America12 · 09/12/2022 18:06

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 09/12/2022 17:44

Did you think having kids would be easy. Everybody feels like this when their kids are young. It's bloody hard work you are not alone. You are the mum of course it falls to you mostly it get easier as they get older.

Why should she do everything though ? The kids have two parents.

SkankingWombat · 09/12/2022 18:09

Is he actually working/commuting all those hours? I ask because I have a trade, and the number of self-employed men I have worked with other the years who go home via the pub for a couple of hours to avoid having to do the bedtime routine is depressing. There are also another type who insist on travelling many miles for work despite there being loads locally. They claim it earns them a better day rate, but this is negligible once extra fuel and commuting time is added. I rarely work more than 20mins away (and I'm semi-rural).

You need to start expecting more from him. He needs to do more when he's home, and on his day off he needs to fully take over childcare so you can do the household jobs. I know this is swapping one chore for another for you, but what you need (partly!) is a mental break from the children. When my DCs were little, DH would try to be helpful and pickup more slack around the house. I very bluntly told him that actually what I needed was space from DCs, him to do bedtime, whilst I washed up/did absolutely anything else that needed doing that wasn't snotty, screaming, or clinging to me.

GelPens1 · 09/12/2022 18:11

Why does your DH work 6am-9pm? He needs to find a job that’s more family friendly. He’s not supporting you so no wonder you’re so overwhelmed. He’s not doing enough for the family.

SkankingWombat · 09/12/2022 18:13

snowballon · 09/12/2022 17:43

I think it does. Sorry to say, in most cases it does. It's always our problem. I also let his moods get to me. So say on his day off ( I always let him sleep in ). He then comes down and has coffee etc, takes his time. If I then ask him to do something, he always needs to shower and get dressed etc. I feel bad to tell him that I'm having a shower and getting changed and leave him with the kids, because by the time I get back- he'll look annoyed and can't wait to pass the baby back for example. Because his job is so intense etc.

Show quote history

You need to stop feeling guilty. Your 'job' is so intense you're randomly bursting into tears - has his pushed him to these levels yet?

icegoose · 09/12/2022 18:20

CBT is used to assess how realistic your thoughts and fears are.
The thought that your life is bloody hard is totally realistic because it is.
You are raising two dc with no help from your DP at all as far as I can see.
So I get why CBT isn't helping that much and use CBT as a therapeutic tool quite a bit.

ChuckleGoOn · 09/12/2022 18:41

All of this 'tell H that he's doing X Y and Z' is all very well and good if you have a husband who'd listen and do as you say. That, to me, doesn't sound like OPs husband. He sounds like a twat who'd tell her to jog on if she insisted he did anything.

You can't MAKE him help you OP. You can't TELL him and FORCE him to do anything. But you can take from this that you've married a selfish arsehole and do whatever you think needs to be done about that.

My husband works long hours. He often works 6 days a week, he is self employed. He gets up at 4am to leave the house for 5 so he can be home before our children go to bed. He just got home this evening after an incredibly stressful week and sent me upstairs to run a bath for myself because I too have been stressed looking after an ill DC all week, he's now downstairs watching Disney princess films and dealing with the kids all after a long day at work. Yes I do most things for DC but when my husband is here (and he tries to be here as much as he can which is important) he helps and that means something! The fact yours doesn't, even after you've been crying to him (!!) Tells me everything I need to know about the man.

theonlygirl · 09/12/2022 18:42

You say he's self employed, but what does he do? If he's in a trade I get leaving at 6 but not getting back at 9pm. Keeping those hours he is basically avoiding all parenting. Those hours are only worth it if you can afford to outsource a lot of the drudgery but that doesn't help with the relentlessness of looking after small kids. Especially when everyone is sick. It's bloody hard, no wonder you are at your wits end. x

Hayliebells · 09/12/2022 19:03

Does your DH really really need to work those sorts of hours? That’s a lot of time to be solo parenting, you’re practically a single parent to two young children, with little support, it’s no surprise you’re finding it hard. If your DH really needs to work those hours, tell him he’s going to need to pay for more childcare and other domestic help. Outsource everything you can, cleaning, gardening, ironing etc. Put the kids in the childminder more often, preferably for whole days when the childminder does all their meals. If your DH doesn’t want to pay for that, he can find a job that’s more family friendly so he can pull his weight instead. When you go back to work, a nanny may be better than a nursery/childminder, you don’t need to do drop off pick ups then. It shouldn’t all fall to you, especially when you’re back at work, so if you’re DH can’t help out personally, he can pay for help instead.

jtaeapa · 09/12/2022 19:06

Get youtube workouts and do them in your house

Get the dc into nursery for more hours

flowerycurtain · 09/12/2022 19:06

H jeez that sounds hard. My mum was married to a farmer who regularly worked 70-80 hours per week. I remember her having horrendous migraines which meant she had to take to her bed for two days and a night. It was always two full days and one night that you couldn't even turn the light on in her room. Dad had to look after us. Happened twice a year with alarming regularity.

Now I'm a mum married to a farmer I don't think my Mum ever had a migraine. It was just the only way she could get him to look after us and not work (although he did, we just went with him) and have a break.

Zanatdy · 09/12/2022 19:08

Instead of a full day doing jobs your DH needs to help with the kids. Sadly most of the time the DC do end up becoming a mother problem. I went back to work after mine, I couldn’t cope being a SAHM, respect to anyone who does but I’d have cracked without adult company and some time again as me, not just DC’s mum. Can you afford to put the DC into some more regular childcare when they are better? To give you a bit more of a break if your DH has to work such long hours

Hayliebells · 09/12/2022 19:08

Oh yes and if he won’t do that, divorce him. Honestly. I have a friend who had a DH like yours, she was a different person after the divorce, had more time to herself than she’d ever had married to him and was practically glowing with relief.

Original poster
snowballon · 09/12/2022 19:09

ChuckleGoOn · 09/12/2022 18:41

All of this 'tell H that he's doing X Y and Z' is all very well and good if you have a husband who'd listen and do as you say. That, to me, doesn't sound like OPs husband. He sounds like a twat who'd tell her to jog on if she insisted he did anything.

You can't MAKE him help you OP. You can't TELL him and FORCE him to do anything. But you can take from this that you've married a selfish arsehole and do whatever you think needs to be done about that.

My husband works long hours. He often works 6 days a week, he is self employed. He gets up at 4am to leave the house for 5 so he can be home before our children go to bed. He just got home this evening after an incredibly stressful week and sent me upstairs to run a bath for myself because I too have been stressed looking after an ill DC all week, he's now downstairs watching Disney princess films and dealing with the kids all after a long day at work. Yes I do most things for DC but when my husband is here (and he tries to be here as much as he can which is important) he helps and that means something! The fact yours doesn't, even after you've been crying to him (!!) Tells me everything I need to know about the man.

It's not that he says jog on/. It's more that he's so grumpy and unhappy about doing it, that it really affects me. Then he starts complaining about how shit his life is and how he never has down time either and how everything is so terrible. Which just pulls me down even more. So I try to avoid leaving him with the kids too much. I guess I feel bad for him for his schedule and I guess I probably internalise that I'm just the mum and have to deal with it, which is wrong. But I think that he thinks that too. I suspect a lot of women think that too. They acknowledge it's hard for me, but essentially they're like - well your husband works all the time, he can't do any more. Deal with it.

OP posts:
Hayliebells · 09/12/2022 19:10

Why does he NEED to work all the time, what does he do? If he’s so miserable, why does he do it?

ChuckleGoOn · 09/12/2022 19:13

They acknowledge it's hard for me, but essentially they're like - well your husband works all the time, he can't do any more. Deal with it

But he CAN do more.

You've not really answered why he's working all hours? What is he doing that requires him working 6am-9pm, 6 days a week with absolutely no compromise?

Even if he has to work that many hours, he could still help you during his day off. He is a parent, he doesn't get to just have a day every week doing what he wants to do. That day he is off should be split between the two of you so you BOTH get some time to yourself.

Him being in a mood when you ask him to do something is emotional manipulation imo. It's basically the same thing as telling you to jog on. He will know that his mood affects you and what you want to ask from him. He will be doing it in the hope it stops you from asking for his help again.

Cailleachian · 09/12/2022 19:14

A 90h workweek is insane, and I can see why he is stressed.

What about hiring a cleaner + part time nanny/mothers help?

Or him reducing his hours to 3 days a week and you go back to work part time and juggle the childcare between you

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