Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A Christmas Family one, of course!

154 replies

60degreecycle · 09/12/2022 14:39

DH has invited his sister to stay over Christmas, we don't really get on, she's usually a bit absent, lives away and only sporadically in touch when she wants something, often money, has been very cold/rude with me at times which I've tried to let roll off my back to keep the peace, drinky, has been known to nip down the end of the garden to smoke a joint, but would otherwise be alone over Christmas and DH doesn't feel he can say no to her. Selfishly, a proper festive dampener on what was planned to be a first cosy quiet family one just the four of us with all other family having made other plans.

I in turn decided to take my DDs (not DP's daughters) down South to my brothers so they can have some fun with two sets of cousins, and my mum and elderly aunt who will be there. A big jolly old fashioned Christmas. DDs happy with this arrangement, which I organised as they weren't filled with joy about hanging out at home with DH strange sister.

DH is upset with me for bailing on him and leaving him with his sister, as he thinks they will have a shit time. I am inclined to agree, as it will basically involve watching her wordlessly motor through the drinks cabine. I'm a bit upset with him for agreeing to her sort of gatecrash our christmas and completely change the vibe for the DDs especially. I am upset not to be able to spend Christmas with DH but felt if I could save things for the kids I should do that? And now it's kind of done.

Is either of us being unreasonable? Have I been selfish to bail? Or was he unreasonable to change our plans and invite his sister? Is this just how it goes with weird family that you don't really want to hang out with?!

OP posts:
Original poster
60degreecycle · 09/12/2022 14:44

Sorry, I'm new to this and realise I got my DP and DH mixed up, we are not married, it's the same person!

OP posts:
Sartre · 09/12/2022 14:45

My SIL is similar to yours. We’ve seen her all of twice in four years, she’s never met our youngest DC. She’s selfish, smokes a lot of pot and only tends to contact anyone if she needs money. She’s also loud, obnoxious and just the opposite of us. There’s no way I’d ever want her over for Christmas, it would totally spoil it.

You have done the right thing, you don’t want to destroy your DC’s Christmas and frankly, your DH should have consulted you first so it’s his own fault.

Hoppinggreen · 09/12/2022 14:48

He invited her so he can spend Christmas with her

StickyCricket · 09/12/2022 14:48

He should never have invited his sister without talking it through with you first.

Go and enjoy your Christmas with your family, and hopefully he’ll learn a lesson for next year.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/12/2022 14:49

I am mightly impressed by your decisive action. Nothing ruins Christmas like a drinker. He can hardly complain when he imposed his sister on you all.

AdventuringAway · 09/12/2022 14:52

I think both of you are being unreasonable. He shouldn’t have invited his sister without consulting you, but making plans to go away over Christmas without him was a bit rubbish too.

healthadvice123 · 09/12/2022 14:55

Both really he shouldn't of invited without asking but you have then ditched him and taken the kids ( are they both yours )
Surely a compromise could of been had

Original poster
60degreecycle · 09/12/2022 14:56

Thanks for your input, I was expecting a barrage of wicked wife insults! I'm feeling really guilty, but this perspective is helpful thankyou!

@AdventuringAway I agree, it feels like we have both made a choice we aren't happy with but did what we felt best and have to live with it... such an emotionally loaded time of the year.

OP posts:
SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 09/12/2022 14:56

Well tough. Had he done the grown up thing and discussed this with you he might not be in this pickle. But he didn't.

Good move going to your family. That'll larn 'im!

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 09/12/2022 14:58

AdventuringAway · 09/12/2022 14:52

I think both of you are being unreasonable. He shouldn’t have invited his sister without consulting you, but making plans to go away over Christmas without him was a bit rubbish too.

Get out of town!

He's having Christmas with his sibling, the same as OP.

Are OP and her kids supposed to have a miserable time with someone they aren't even related to?

Original poster
60degreecycle · 09/12/2022 15:06

@healthadvice123 A compromise would have been great, but what would that be? Any ideas welcome. I can't invite her to my brothers, and inflict her on their Christmas, although I would absolutely love for DP to be with us and he gets on with all of my family really well, and also deserves to have a nice time.

Due to flights/public transport she's staying for several days, I thought I could at least rescue the main event for the kids?

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 09/12/2022 15:09

He made his Christmas bed without consulting you and now he has to lie in it!
Your Xmas will be so much more fun!

DelurkingLawyer · 09/12/2022 15:15

He should not have made a unilateral decision to invite her. YANBU for being annoyed about that.

Beyond that I have some sympathy for him because plenty of people have a relative they don’t like much, but still love and wouldn’t want to be alone at Christmas.

It’s hard to say what a fair compromise this year would be without knowing how you and he have dealt with it in the past. Has he always had her over? Has he always invited her without discussing it? When she comes does he mooch off and leave you to do all the cooking and entertaining? Has she had alternatives in past years (I know you said she would have nowhere else but is that for this year only)?

To me it boils down to whether your DP is offloading the responsibility for his sis onto you year after year to make his life easier (in which case he can jog on), or whether it’s a case of “please I am asking you to support me in my family obligations this year I am super grateful”.

pizzaHeart · 09/12/2022 15:25

I think you both are unreasonable for not discussing things however I think you are more unreasonable then him as she’s his sister what did you expect from him? She is his family too.

It’s only one visitor, I’m sure she was manageable between the two of you. And her visit wouldn’t change Xmas 100% for you and kids but your decision 100% changed his.

pizzaHeart · 09/12/2022 15:26

And also yes to all that @DelurkingLawyer said

MRSDoos · 09/12/2022 15:29

She sounds like a right pain…

So he didn’t discuss this with you first? He is definitely being unreasonable

I think you are also being unreasonable to make plans to take DC to family without him too

I know you said you didn’t want to do this but maybe you could ask if she could come to your brothers and spend Christmas all together

Staggersaurus · 09/12/2022 15:38

You are both being a bit unreasonable but I do understand why you made your decision as it sounds far nicer for your children (and you) than staying at home.

However, I’d be a bit worried in the more longer term that you and your DP aren’t doing things in each others best interests. It all sounds a bit clashy and tit for tat.

Rosebel · 09/12/2022 15:38

He think he'll have a shit Christmas if his sister is there? Well he shouldn't have invited her then, especially without discussing it with you.
I don't blame you for going to your brothers for Christmas. If he doesn't like it, tough

Awoooga · 09/12/2022 15:40

I really like my fiancés sister, but I would be annoyed if he invited her to stay for several days without asking me first, thus changing plans/expectations that were already in place. YANBU.

greenhousegal · 09/12/2022 15:42

It looks like she will be staying a while, so I think you will see her before she leaves. That's fine. DP did not run things by you did he? That is essential at this time of year. He will get over it, and if he has a shit time with her, he won't be asking her again!

Christmas is for kids. End of, if they're happy, you are happy. The adults will survive. Will all be forgotten about soon enough when ordinary life resumes. I refuse to let Christmas stress me out one little bit. Gone beyond all that now. No kids though so I suppose that can explain my approach.

takealettermsjones · 09/12/2022 15:45

It's a tricky one. He was hugely unreasonable for inviting her without discussing it with you first, but I also think you were unreasonable for making plans without discussing with him.

Does he know how much you and the kids dislike her? This might have come as a bit of a surprise to him if you've gritted your teeth and tried to get along in the past.

Out of interest how long have you been together? I think this is relevant because it would be fairly normal for relatively new couples to spend Christmas with respective families, but less so as the years go on.

I do feel for him when he says he will have a shit time - I don't think that's the same as him intentionally inflicting a shit time on you and the kids. There is a world of difference between the dynamics of a family of four inviting an extra person, and a Christmas spent with just one person you don't see very much.

AdventuringAway · 09/12/2022 15:48

It’s a shame that unhappy emotionally loaded choices are so common around Christmas! Perhaps seek to agree what’s done is done and suggest that you set a weekend soon after to be a special not-Christmas for you together (at home with kids or away without if that’s feasible). And communicate a bit better next year!

Blueberrywitch · 09/12/2022 15:48

I think you’re being unreasonable I’m afraid. Christmas is about giving back and including people, your DP is being kind to a lonely family member and you’ve left him in the lurch.

Crumpleton · 09/12/2022 15:52

If your DH can't be communicating with you pre invite of his DS this is what can happen.

Hopefully this will make him remember that he has a DW and family before making these kind of decisions infuture.

pigonalipstick · 09/12/2022 16:01

I think you've been awful. He has done a kind thing by inviting someone who was on their own, and you've used it to punish him. Yes of course he should have told you, but he wasn't doing anything mean or malicious, just trying to make sure his sister had someone to spend Christmas with by adding one person to your existing plans. In turn you've completely changed the plans by leaving him alone and taking your kids somewhere else. That's an awful way to treat a 'D'P no matter if they've upset you.