Page 2 | A Christmas Family one, of course!

60degreecycle · 2022-12-09T14:39:20+00:00

DH has invited his sister to stay over Christmas, we don't really get on, she's usually a bit absent, lives away and only sporadically in touch when she wants something, often money, has been very cold/rude with me at times which I've tried to let roll off my back to keep the peace, drinky, has been known to nip down the end of the garden to smoke a joint, but would otherwise be alone over Christmas and DH doesn't feel he can say no to her. Selfishly, a proper festive dampener on what was planned to be a first cosy quiet family one just the four of us with all other family having made other plans. I in turn decided to take my DDs (not DP's daughters) down South to my brothers so they can have some fun with two sets of cousins, and my mum and elderly aunt who will be there. A big jolly old fashioned Christmas. DDs happy with this arrangement, which I organised as they weren't filled with joy about hanging out at home with DH strange sister. DH is upset with me for bailing on him and leaving him with his sister, as he thinks they will have a shit time. I am inclined to agree, as it will basically involve watching her wordlessly motor through the drinks cabine. I'm a bit upset with him for agreeing to her sort of gatecrash our christmas and completely change the vibe for the DDs especially. I am upset not to be able to spend Christmas with DH but felt if I could save things for the kids I should do that? And now it's kind of done. Is either of us being unreasonable? Have I been selfish to bail? Or was he unreasonable to change our plans and invite his sister? Is this just how it goes with weird family that you don't really want to hang out with?!

OnTheBackOfMyFoot · 09/12/2022 16:04

It's not ideal but what you did seems to prioritise a nice Christmas for your DDs so I think it's the best option you had. DH unilaterally decided to have his sister and he's now the one paying the price for that.

TiddleyWink · 09/12/2022 16:07

Given he isn’t your DD’s dad, I think you’ve done the right thing. They should always come before a new partner and subjecting them to a shit Christmas to do a nice thing for your boyfriend would have been wrong. I would think differently if you were taking the kids away from their dad.

It sucks for your partner but he presumably can tell his sister your plans have changed and he’s going with you down south. Hard for her of course but he shouldn’t have invited her without agreeing with you. It’s an unfortunate situation and one that a lot of relationships wouldn’t get past easily so don’t be surprised if there is some lasting damage. You have (rightly) shown him your priorities are our daughters’ happiness over his easy life, but I wonder how he will react to that.

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 09/12/2022 16:08

It all depends. If he had discussed it with you before asking her then yes YABU but if he asked her before telling you then absolutely not unreasonable!

I never understood the whole family loyalty thing at Christmas. Why should you spend time with someone who either doesn’t like you or will ruin your day just because in whatever way they are family? Life’s too short

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 09/12/2022 16:10

And teens? They have no rights or expectations of a nice Christmas?

And DP? Did he really think everyone would be happy to at worst dilute his unhappy Christmas with his own sister, at best take her off his hands and conscience completely?

I don't get why the absolute insistence that OP is in the wrong for putting her nuclear family first whilst he is getting brownie points, for having involved her and her kids without discussing it.

StickyCricket · 09/12/2022 16:18

pigonalipstick · 09/12/2022 16:01

I think you've been awful. He has done a kind thing by inviting someone who was on their own, and you've used it to punish him. Yes of course he should have told you, but he wasn't doing anything mean or malicious, just trying to make sure his sister had someone to spend Christmas with by adding one person to your existing plans. In turn you've completely changed the plans by leaving him alone and taking your kids somewhere else. That's an awful way to treat a 'D'P no matter if they've upset you.

OP wasn’t doing anything mean or malicious, just trying to ensure her children have a lovely Christmas, rather than allowing them to be used as human support devices by her DP to dilute his own miserable Christmas.

That’s an awful way to treat your partner and their children, especially since he issued the invitation without even having the decency to consult with them first.

MillyMollyManky · 09/12/2022 16:19

Going against the majority here- he has been fairly unreasonable but you've been massively unreasonable. The plan was the four of you spending Christmas together. He spoiled that a bit by inviting a fifth person without consulting you but you and he were still going to be together. In response you've blown the whole thing up.

MN tends to be very black and white- he did something wrong and so all bets are off, do whatever you like with no consultation or consideration of his feelings. I'm not sure that's a very healthy approach to relationships and I'm not surprised he's upset. This person is after all your partner whom you presumably love? A better approach might have been to explain how you feel and work out a way to still have a good Christmas together, even if that meant un-inviting the sister at least for part of it.

Not sure what to suggest as presumably everyone is now expecting you at your brother's. Bit of a shit show all round.

CarefreeMe · 09/12/2022 16:21

YABU

It’s one thing to invite someone over to join in with your Christmas.

But to go to a complete different house than your DH is way worse.

I wonder if you had invited your mum round and so your DH decided to go to someone else’s house instead, if he too would be getting as much support as you.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 09/12/2022 16:21

MillyMollyManky · 09/12/2022 16:19

Going against the majority here- he has been fairly unreasonable but you've been massively unreasonable. The plan was the four of you spending Christmas together. He spoiled that a bit by inviting a fifth person without consulting you but you and he were still going to be together. In response you've blown the whole thing up.

MN tends to be very black and white- he did something wrong and so all bets are off, do whatever you like with no consultation or consideration of his feelings. I'm not sure that's a very healthy approach to relationships and I'm not surprised he's upset. This person is after all your partner whom you presumably love? A better approach might have been to explain how you feel and work out a way to still have a good Christmas together, even if that meant un-inviting the sister at least for part of it.

Not sure what to suggest as presumably everyone is now expecting you at your brother's. Bit of a shit show all round.

This

magicalorange · 09/12/2022 16:22

Blueberrywitch · 09/12/2022 15:48

I think you’re being unreasonable I’m afraid. Christmas is about giving back and including people, your DP is being kind to a lonely family member and you’ve left him in the lurch.

Inviting a badly behaved drinker at the expense of young children?

That's the kind of giving back you mean?

StopFeckingFaffing · 09/12/2022 16:24

Since he is your DP rather than DH and not the father of your DC then I can understand why you have prioritised what you believe is best for your DC

It does send him a fairly clear message about your priorities but I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing

Crumpleton · 09/12/2022 16:24

It all depends. If he had discussed it with you before asking her then yes YABU but if he asked her before telling you then absolutely not unreasonable!

He may well have discussed it and OP poster expressed a preference in not wanting her to join them....but he still invited her.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 09/12/2022 16:25

If my husband did this to me, i woildcfind it pretty hard to forgive tbh

Original poster

60degreecycle · 09/12/2022 16:25

Thanks all. Just to clear up a couple of questions, DP is not the girls dad, but have a great relationship with him and he's a partner of several years. We were all looking forward to a quiet one together. Past years she's done her own thing, threatened to come a couple of times but not arrived, and when she did turned up empty handed with a sleep deficit and a very different body clock to the rest of the house.

He didn't check with me first, just said that she had asked and he had responded with a yes as he couldnt enoy himself knowing she was on her own if he had said no, knew that it wouldn't be a popular move and we should maybe head down to my Brothers as that would be the best time for me and the kids. I'm not sure he thought I'd actually do it though, as there are some hurt feelings going on, which I completely understand. His motive was good, he didn't want her to be alone.

I don't want to invite her to my brothers, it would be as welcome as a fart in a lift. I would be on edge all day waiting for her to offend someone, and hoping for her not to swear/get too pissed/tell inappropriate stories in front of the kids/keep disappearing down the end of the garden for a joint or whatever else.

OP posts:

Natty13 · 09/12/2022 16:27

MillyMollyManky · 09/12/2022 16:19

Going against the majority here- he has been fairly unreasonable but you've been massively unreasonable. The plan was the four of you spending Christmas together. He spoiled that a bit by inviting a fifth person without consulting you but you and he were still going to be together. In response you've blown the whole thing up.

MN tends to be very black and white- he did something wrong and so all bets are off, do whatever you like with no consultation or consideration of his feelings. I'm not sure that's a very healthy approach to relationships and I'm not surprised he's upset. This person is after all your partner whom you presumably love? A better approach might have been to explain how you feel and work out a way to still have a good Christmas together, even if that meant un-inviting the sister at least for part of it.

Not sure what to suggest as presumably everyone is now expecting you at your brother's. Bit of a shit show all round.

I do have this approach in my relationships: if you railroad me/don't treat me like a team mate/do things deliberately you know will have negative consequences for me then yes, all bets are off. I dont do it to people i love and don't tolerate it being done to me. Guess what? I'm neither a miserable martyr nor a lonely, friendless spinster. People in my life don't do things that take the piss out of me and I don't take the piss out of them, and we are a happy. Hopefully my daughter is growing up to be the same.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2022 16:27

Good for you! Interesting how people

Original poster

60degreecycle · 09/12/2022 16:29

@MillyMollyManky I did heavy hint that maybe she might be uninvited as we had plans, but that was not an option apparently. They are expecting us at my brothers but would be totally fine if we decided to stay put, they're very low drama.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2022 16:31

Good for you! People on here are usually all for Christmas being about children. I think Christmas is for everyone but you’re definitely doing the right thing by your DDs and he’s only worried about having a shit Christmas with his sister now you and DDs won’t be there to absorb some of her behaviour for him.

If he’s going to make selfish unilateral decisions about Christmas you get to do the same. Ignore his moaning and have a fabulous time! Maybe he’ll be more considerate and collaborative next time. If not at least you know how to motivate his selfishness.

MichelleScarn · 09/12/2022 16:33

When did MN become the doormatty, #bekind, doesn't matter if you/your kids have a shitty time, you need to do what other people want and put them first or you are just DREADFUL! ?
@60degreecycle you've done the right thing, if the dsis is as unpleasant and self centred as she's sounds it's on her that she's on her own at Christmas!

ImAvingOops · 09/12/2022 16:35

This is a mess entirely of his own making.
No one has a right to unilaterally invite people to stay over Christmas without even having a discussion with their partner whose house and Christmas it is too. The exception being their own children (assuming they are actual children)!

You have shown him the same level of consideration that he has shown you.

But your relationship is going to run into difficulties if both of you keep making choices without any consideration of the other - you are meant to be a unit, sharing a home and a life.

Original poster

60degreecycle · 09/12/2022 16:35

@CarefreeMe I do see your point, and I'm feeling really regretful that we have got ourselves into this position. However, if he had kids and my mother was a wayward bordeline alcoholic loner, although I'd be pretty devastated we wouldnt' be spending the day as we had planned, I'd be fully accepting of him taking them elsewhere for a family Christmas rather than expect them to deal with her.

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forrestgreen · 09/12/2022 16:36

I'd say he was U as he said yes knowing it would completely change Xmas for the worse. Then annoyed you're leaving him to it.
If he thought she'd be ok, he wouldn't be peeved he'll be shouldering the burden alone, he thought you'd soften the edges for him.

Nah, your priority is your children. His is his sister.

Original poster

60degreecycle · 09/12/2022 16:41

I think neither of our motivations were selfish. He wanted to make sure she wouldn't be alone, I wanted to make sure that the girls have a drama free time without an atmosphere driven by an adult they don't really know being out of step with the rest of us, which wouldn't be possible if we had just stayed put. I ran it past the kids and gave them the two options and they were definite they wanted to go to their uncles.

OP posts:

diddl · 09/12/2022 16:41

If he thinks that he'll have a shit time with her-why did he think that it would be better with you there?

Spread the misery?🙄

MillyMollyManky · 09/12/2022 16:43

60degreecycle · 09/12/2022 16:29

@MillyMollyManky I did heavy hint that maybe she might be uninvited as we had plans, but that was not an option apparently. They are expecting us at my brothers but would be totally fine if we decided to stay put, they're very low drama.

Stop hinting, start talking. Why not just say everything to him as clearly as you have said it here and try to work out a solution between you? Yes, he was in the wrong to invite her without checking, maybe he can uninvite her. Or perhaps there’s some other solution. Without discussing it openly, you won’t know.

Peashoots · 09/12/2022 16:49

I voted YANBU, as that’s what I’m leaning toward with the info provided. However, it depends. Was there any discussion with him about you going to your parents? Or about how unhappy you’d be to spend it with her?
ultimately your kids are your priority, he isn’t their dad so you’re not depriving a father of a christmas with his kids. So I think you’ve done the right thing. Although it’s a shitty position to be in and I feel for both you and your partner.