A Christmas Family one, of course!

[60degreecycle]

DH has invited his sister to stay over Christmas, we don't really get on, she's usually a bit absent, lives away and only sporadically in touch when she wants something, often money, has been very cold/rude with me at times which I've tried to let roll off my back to keep the peace, drinky, has been known to nip down the end of the garden to smoke a joint, but would otherwise be alone over Christmas and DH doesn't feel he can say no to her. Selfishly, a proper festive dampener on what was planned to be a first cosy quiet family one just the four of us with all other family having made other plans.

I in turn decided to take my DDs (not DP's daughters) down South to my brothers so they can have some fun with two sets of cousins, and my mum and elderly aunt who will be there. A big jolly old fashioned Christmas. DDs happy with this arrangement, which I organised as they weren't filled with joy about hanging out at home with DH strange sister.

DH is upset with me for bailing on him and leaving him with his sister, as he thinks they will have a shit time. I am inclined to agree, as it will basically involve watching her wordlessly motor through the drinks cabine. I'm a bit upset with him for agreeing to her sort of gatecrash our christmas and completely change the vibe for the DDs especially. I am upset not to be able to spend Christmas with DH but felt if I could save things for the kids I should do that? And now it's kind of done.

Is either of us being unreasonable? Have I been selfish to bail? Or was he unreasonable to change our plans and invite his sister? Is this just how it goes with weird family that you don't really want to hang out with?!

Her DP was not being kind. He was expecting OP and her children to put up and shut up while their Christmas was ruined by his relative just so he could feel noble while OP did all the heavy lifting, no doubt.

Bravo OP. You've done the right thing by your kids.

No evidence from OP’s posts that she was expected to do the “heavy lifting” (whatever that means).

I think you've both acted unreasonably by making plans without consulting each other. However, I can see how you both ended up here, and it wasn't by trying to hurt each other, it was by trying to do the best for other people.

Is SIL just an unpleasant drinker, or is she actually an alcoholic? People throw the alcoholic word around her, but there's a difference between someone who likes a drink (and can be reasoned with) and someone who is an alcoholic. It's miserable being around an alcoholic, it really is, and if she's truly an alcoholic, I understand the desire to protect your children from that.

If that is the case, maybe the compromise is DH does the heavy lifting with his sister this Christmas, and you both (but mainly him) try to get her to seek help over the next 12 months, with a view to working towards a year where she has her drink problem under control and you both think it's safe for her to be around your kids at such an emotional time of year?

As you and DH are a team, you both need to support each other. However, as your are the mother of your children, sometimes you have to put them first, and as SIL's sibling, sometimes he has to do more for her than you're prepared to do. The key thing is you and DH keep talking and emotionally supporting supporting each other, even if you have to have slightly different family priorities sometimes.