A Christmas Family one, of course!

[60degreecycle]

DH has invited his sister to stay over Christmas, we don't really get on, she's usually a bit absent, lives away and only sporadically in touch when she wants something, often money, has been very cold/rude with me at times which I've tried to let roll off my back to keep the peace, drinky, has been known to nip down the end of the garden to smoke a joint, but would otherwise be alone over Christmas and DH doesn't feel he can say no to her. Selfishly, a proper festive dampener on what was planned to be a first cosy quiet family one just the four of us with all other family having made other plans.

I in turn decided to take my DDs (not DP's daughters) down South to my brothers so they can have some fun with two sets of cousins, and my mum and elderly aunt who will be there. A big jolly old fashioned Christmas. DDs happy with this arrangement, which I organised as they weren't filled with joy about hanging out at home with DH strange sister.

DH is upset with me for bailing on him and leaving him with his sister, as he thinks they will have a shit time. I am inclined to agree, as it will basically involve watching her wordlessly motor through the drinks cabine. I'm a bit upset with him for agreeing to her sort of gatecrash our christmas and completely change the vibe for the DDs especially. I am upset not to be able to spend Christmas with DH but felt if I could save things for the kids I should do that? And now it's kind of done.

Is either of us being unreasonable? Have I been selfish to bail? Or was he unreasonable to change our plans and invite his sister? Is this just how it goes with weird family that you don't really want to hang out with?!

OP, you don’t owe anyone else happiness except your children whilst they are dependant on you. In this situation you’ve done the right thing. DP will learn not to make unilateral decisions and you will have a lovely Christmas - more importantly so will the DC.

I thought you were unreasonable at first because I hadn’t read your op properly. But not, you’ve put your kids first and they will have a lovely Christmas. I think you’ve done the right thing. I feel sorry for your dh as he felt guilty about his sister, but I think it’s right to put your kids first.

Well it sounds like you have had some calm discussions about the situation and hopefully this won't happen again. I think its good that you followed through on his suggestion of taking the kids away, him making that suggestion and not meaning it is manipulative (I don't think deliberately!) and he has learned that a) Partners living in the same house should run plans by each other before agreeing and b) You are going to put your kids first always, as it should be.

It's shitty all round but like you said, you had a choice between the kids and the adults and you chose the kids.

He didn't run it by you, he just told you. Expecting you to just suck it up, he chose his sisters feelings over yours. No one was perfect. No one was awful.

Where's his parents in all this? Aren't they an option for sister, with or without your partner?

Perhaps there is no one else

Or perhaps no one else will tolerate her?

I think you’re being unreasonable I’m afraid. Christmas is about giving back and including people, your DP is being kind to a lonely family member and you’ve left him in the lurch.

He's not in the lurch-he's spending Christmas with the person that he invited.

Perhaps the SIL could think about being kind rather than rude to Op & not being a pisshead in someone else's house?

Maybe there's a reason she's lonely?

Exactly.
So much me me me and this is a perfect example.

Hmmm, having seen your update where he says he felt he didn't have any choice, I had a feeling it might be something like that.

DH and I had a thought/ hope that his brother and his family (young baby) would come to stay for a couple of nights before or after Christmas, which they are welcome to do, but go to (DH and DB's) parents, an hour away, for Christmas eve and day. They want to stay over with us and join Christmas dinner though. For a few reasons, I'm not very happy to do this, and we are supposed to be going out for lunch (not easy to change). They have now said 'Oh, it's ok, we can just stay at your house and cook our own lunch'. They have also made the point that with Covid, there have been several Christmases spent when we haven't been together.

I'm really unhappy with the 'we'll stay and do our own lunch' variation they proposed but I do see the point about the 2020-22 period, and that they are disappointed the invitation isn't actually for Christmas and feels a bit second-fiddle to them. So we are wondering whether we will end up in a similar situation to OP where DH sees his family, probably with our DD, and I spend lunch with my parents. Not what we hoped for but it's also 2 weeks away now, so difficult to make major changes without a bigger upset somewhere.

If my mother was rude to my DH on a regular basis AND was prone to getting drunk or high at our house and behaving obnoxiously or disrespectfully to my DH I'd say my DH had every right to take himself off elsewhere. Why should his day be spoilt because I was putting my mother above him? But if this were the case, my mother wouldn't be invited in the first place because I have no tolerance for drunkenness and obnoxious behaviour, from anyone. And yes, I do have experience with alcoholic relatives.

My problem relative would be my problem. In which case I would go by myself to my 'problem' mother's house for a few hours on Xmas Day.

Agree with this.

OP - your dp did something generous and kind. You really punished him for it.

He should have discussed before obviously but wow!

The funny thing is, that this is not at all me me me. If I'd have gone down the ME route I'd have stayed at home with my girls and the man I love very much as we planned, and not gone anywhere.

The me, me, me option certainly wouldn't involve sitting on the motorway for hours in Christmas traffic. It wouldn't involve packing everything into the car and sleeping on a sofa for a couple of nights after a manically busy time at work, in the brief time I get off for a Christmas break.

However, sharing a cheeseboard with your children and someone with several drug habits really knocks the festive shine off things, not sure if you've ever had the pleasure? If that makes me appalling then so be it.

And yes, there are many selfless people who open up their homes on Christmas day to lonely strangers, or alcoholics with dubious personal hygiene, but I have to hold my hands up and say that I'm not one of them, and you're a better person than me if you do.

I'm absolutely open to constructive suggestions about how I could have handled it better, but telling me I have punished DP isn't really helpful, when that's not at all what is going on here. The motivation is to give the girls a decent calm cosy Christmas, at the first opportunity we have had for several years.

If he told me that "X has asked if she can head here for Christmas and I have said yes" and on examination there was no way this decision was going to be reversed, what should I have done?

We had already geared the kids up for a cosy one just the four of us at home, but the addition of his sister really does make everyone uncomfortable and puts everyone on eggshells and he and I know that me and the girls are best off elsewhere. This doesn't stop both of us being hurt at what's happened and those of you who have said we won't let this happen again, you're right, it's defintely been a learning curve, for me, at least, although I'm not sure what I'd do differently if I could reverse time?

Those advocating for DP’s sister obviously never had their special time ruined by drunken ,selfish,rude person

“Awww but it’s Christmaaas and she’s faaamily”

I have low tolerance towards people treating me like shit, doesn’t matter if they are related or not.

OP’s done one right thing presented with the choice feisted on her by “D”P and removed herself and DC from the situation.

Have a peaceful,merry Christmas OP.

It’s pretty clear from his reaction that he expected that his share of the effort of hosting her began and ended with inviting her - he was expecting you to do the lion’s share of the work, and he is now miffed that he has to entertain his relative, whom he invited, by himself! Poor diddums.

YANBU in the slightest, @60degreecycle - and I hope you and your dds have a wonderful Christmas.

I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it now. And actually there was no good outcome once the sister made her request. For this year, I think it’s done now.

HOWEVER, if this were me, I’d be leaving DP with no doubt that his sister is responsible for all this. Not him (he did a kind thing for her), not me (my DC are my priority), but her. He needs to make it clear that her lifestyle choices have negatively impacted him and also you, who wanted to spend Christmas with her partner. He needs to tell her that by her drinking and smoking and non-family-friendly behaviour which she doesn’t adjust when she’s hosted by a family, she’s broken you up for the holidays. I’m sure there will be an occasion when it’s just the two of them on Christmas Day. This wouldn’t be with a view to guilt trip her necessarily, but so that she appreciates that if he declines to have her over next year, she will know why - and also have the option of choosing to modify her behaviour if she promises to, just so that she can have Christmas with her brother.

It’s all give and take. Absolutely everyone is giving and taking here, except DP’s sister who is only taking.

It's pretty clear from the OP's posts that this isn't the case at all. The issue is with the sisters presence.

@Suemademedoit I think she does try and modify her behaviour from full blown adult mode but it still really sticks out like a sore thumb and makes the kids uncomfortable.

If it was just me and DH I would suck it up, absolutely, and have done many times.

@Itsabitnotcold their parents aren't an option, they're out of the picture this year, but one will usually either have her at theirs or join in at ours and temper things. This year it just fell that everyone on both sides had plans and we had a few days where the DDs were with me, usually it's some kind of shared arrangement with their father, which they don't love.
DP has another sister but she's emigrated so not involved really.

OP, I think you’re getting some conflicting responses because in your first post you say “has been known to nip down the end of the garden to smoke a joint” whereas later you’re saying “several drug habits”. Initially she was “drinky” now you’re implying she’s an alcoholic with a personal hygiene problem. It’s not clear whether she drinks a bit more than you and once smoked a joint outside or whether she’s Leaving Las Vegas meets Trainspotting. He should have spoken to you first of course either way.

Re your question- if neither of you will compromise, there’s nothing to be done. It seems a shame.

@MillyMollyManky fair point, I think I was trying not to go full character assasination on her initially 😂It's not a case of one too many baileys and falling asleep in front of the fire though. I'm pretty open minded about peoples life choices. I don't really have any axe to grind with her, her behaviours are absolutely hers and nothing to do with me unless they land in my house in front of my kids at Christmas!

She's got addictions to weed, alcohol, and cocaine on and off, and chainsmokes. This is all to the detriment of her family and romantic relationships, her friendships, certainly her health and I predict before too long her work.

It's a bit of a mess for sure!

@Ormally It's the time of year when people can take over your home without you wanting them to most wonderful time of the year though!

her behaviours are absolutely hers and nothing to do with me unless they land in my house in front of my kids at Christmas!

Absolutely 100% agree and will add....
Or say time of the year.

any

Maybe you've ended up with the best solution then, albeit not by the best route. Sounds like she's quite poorly so perhaps your DP is doing the right thing spending Christmas with her, especially if she doesn't have anyone else. Also sounds like she's maybe not the right person to be spending Christmas with your DC. Can you do something nice with your partner and kids for New Year instead?

Your dp suggested that you go to your brothers but he didn't think you'd actually go. Instead he expected you to suck up the consequences of his largesse. It doesn't matter how 'good' he is generally at Christmas wrt pulling his weight - that should be a given and it's sad that in so many families it isn't!
I hope that in the many discussions you've had with him, you've pointed out that unilaterally inviting a difficult guest to stay is not on and not to be repeated. And that he chose to put that difficult guest above your agreed plans, which you were looking forward to.