Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A Christmas Family one, of course!

154 replies

60degreecycle · 09/12/2022 14:39

DH has invited his sister to stay over Christmas, we don't really get on, she's usually a bit absent, lives away and only sporadically in touch when she wants something, often money, has been very cold/rude with me at times which I've tried to let roll off my back to keep the peace, drinky, has been known to nip down the end of the garden to smoke a joint, but would otherwise be alone over Christmas and DH doesn't feel he can say no to her. Selfishly, a proper festive dampener on what was planned to be a first cosy quiet family one just the four of us with all other family having made other plans.

I in turn decided to take my DDs (not DP's daughters) down South to my brothers so they can have some fun with two sets of cousins, and my mum and elderly aunt who will be there. A big jolly old fashioned Christmas. DDs happy with this arrangement, which I organised as they weren't filled with joy about hanging out at home with DH strange sister.

DH is upset with me for bailing on him and leaving him with his sister, as he thinks they will have a shit time. I am inclined to agree, as it will basically involve watching her wordlessly motor through the drinks cabine. I'm a bit upset with him for agreeing to her sort of gatecrash our christmas and completely change the vibe for the DDs especially. I am upset not to be able to spend Christmas with DH but felt if I could save things for the kids I should do that? And now it's kind of done.

Is either of us being unreasonable? Have I been selfish to bail? Or was he unreasonable to change our plans and invite his sister? Is this just how it goes with weird family that you don't really want to hang out with?!

OP posts:
Original poster
60degreecycle · 09/12/2022 16:53

@MillyMollyManky we have discussed it, we have had some calm open chats about how he feels upset and he feels somewhat that I've turned my back on him. I've been honest and said that it didn't feel right to put the kids through it, had it just been me and him it would have been no problem, and I'm feeling a bit upset that we had a chance at a cosy time as a "family" in our own right and it's now not happening.

He doesn't feel it's possible for him to reverse the invite leaving her on her own, and I'm not willing to tell the kids that we are now staying home with her, when they're looking forward to a good time with the family.

If you can think of a solution I'm all ears, any suggestions welcome!

OP posts:
amonsteronthehill · 09/12/2022 16:58

You need to prioritise your children.

He's your partner, not your husband, and he invited his difficult, drinks-too-much sister who's not even nice to you to your home for Christmas without a second's thought for how that would affect your and your DCs' Christmas.

Tell him you understand why he chose to prioritise his sister, but you have to prioritise your own children here, and staying at home would be a misery for them and you, so you're not going to. He can ask his sister to change her plans and come another time so he can travel with you, or he can stay home with her. But you're out.

Muddywaters1 · 09/12/2022 17:05

OP - you've prioritised your children which is the right and only thing to do in this situation. Your partner has created a situation which only he can fix - what happens now is up to him. Why should your children suffer because of his weakness and horrid sister? They shouldn't.

44PumpLane · 09/12/2022 17:10

Honestly OP you've done the right thing!

AcrossthePond55 · 09/12/2022 17:11

He decided to invite his 'difficult' sister without consulting you, so you have the right to make your own plans to ensure your DC have a happy day. He made his bed all by himself, let him lie in it. I may be being suspicious, but how much of this 'fait accompli' is based on 'easier to ask for forgiveness than permission' , and could a bit of his disappointment be that he was counting on you to make his sister's visit easier on him because you'd be there to 'run interference' or share the burden?

Letthesunshineonin · 09/12/2022 17:14

He made his bed he has to lie in it. Perhaps in future he will discuss with you before making such rash(shit) decisions.

Hobbesmanc · 09/12/2022 17:20

Gosh it's a dilemma. I just think that your partner was trying to include his difficult sister and that as a family unit you could have made it work rather than abandoning him.

Did you need to give your kids a vote? How bad must he feel now. And presumably he's got to explain to his sister why you went. She's so awful that you couldn't stay.

You're giving her a difficult message anyway so couldn't you have had an honest conversation with her. Lay the ground rules, no spliffs. Easy on the booze, respect your home, make an effort with the children. She might chose not to come but it's worth a try

donttellmehesalive · 09/12/2022 17:21

I'm not sure about this one. I once invited my DBro because he's was newly single and sad about being alone at Xmas. I invited him despite knowing that DP didn't like him yet he sucked it up and we made it the best Xmas we could. I don't know how I'd have felt if DP had taken the kids away entirely and left me with DBro. I guess it feels like sulking op. He should have asked you but she's family and presumably he was trying to do the right thing.

Windtunnel · 09/12/2022 17:23

OP you asked for suggestions, apart from bringing her with you to your brothers home, what else is there? Could you maybe see your brother boxing day onwards, sort of "move" Christmas?
At first I thought your bro sounded unwelcoming. There are families who regularly host a lonely stranger for the day, as part of the Christamas spirit.
I'd like to say that personally i'd offer to host a sibling's partner's sibling rathet than have them be on their own, but being honest thats not necessarily true, I don't know your extended family dynamic and exactly how problematic she is. Poor woman sounds a nightmare.

If my DH did what you were doing I'd be pissed off, and know which way the cards lie.
Will he hold this against you in the long rerm? Who do you choose to prioritise for the sake of 1 day?
Could you get your bro and his family to come to you? Bring her but take her out for the meal?

I think out of loyalty to my DP I'd stay and suck it up, go to bros after Christmas.

Windtunnel · 09/12/2022 17:30

Sorry OP I hadn't seen it was him who suggested you go to your brothers!
That changes it a bit....

jellybeanteaparty · 09/12/2022 17:34

How far is your brothers? Can you do Christmas morning at home with DH (presents and lovely breakfast) and then go to your brothers?

MichelleScarn · 09/12/2022 17:38

Maybe the 'difficult' sister could be less difficult, antagonist, smoking, drinking etc and people wouldn't have to move their Christmas plans to avoid her? Why should op apologise for not wanting to spend time with and ruin her kids Christmas by spending it with someone so unpleasant?

MrsMiddleMother · 09/12/2022 17:38

Yanbu and no suggestions needed! Dp stays home with his sister and you and dd's go have a nice Christmas with your family. He'll soon learn not to invite her again

ColdHandsHotHead · 09/12/2022 17:45

I think your OH is in the wrong here. If she had just been difficult, that's one thing, but she drinks too much AND smokes dope? I wouldn't want someone like that in the house and I'm an adult, let alone with children about. Your OH obviously thought he'd invite her and you'd carry a good chunk of the burden, and now he's realised you're not going to entertain this woman.

Dittosaw · 09/12/2022 17:47

OP, you do you.

I have a “game face” for events like this- I do a fair amount of events through work.

About 3 hours of not offensive chat on basically every subject except religion or politics, which I never need because I take a huge interest in them, and jolly them along with cheerful retorts, positivity and never let the conversation lapse. It’s an acquired skill.

However the sister does sound like a tough nut to crack.

For obnoxious people I still do the above but keep a little tally of

bitchy remarks
times they ignore/blank/ change the subject
barbed comments
boasting
over drinking/ smoking
one upping etc.

playing full house keeps me amused

certain relatives haven’t liked me since I was seven and won’t ever change. I could win a Nobel prize and they would find a reason to criticise and blame me. I find it funny and give them no personal info at all. Others are lovely and attend the same events

1FootInTheRave · 09/12/2022 17:53

Your husband was the arse hole here imo.

Why should others put up with his sister and her shit behaviour.

Id be raging with him tbh.

Original poster
60degreecycle · 09/12/2022 21:51

A mixed bag of answers, thanks for all of your replies.

I don't think there's much to be done, doesn't seem to be any going back so we will have to go forward out out the other side. Hopefully lessons have been learned for next year by both of us!

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 09/12/2022 22:21

So ur dp is upset as he will have a rubbish Xmas now. But he was happy when all of you were having a rubbish Xmas .

I'm impressed op, unfortunately women (especially me) can tend to be people pleasers so would put up and secretly seethe. Good for you for advocating for your kids.

ChristmasJoysuckers · 09/12/2022 22:23

Does he acknowledge she's hard work!

Does he say he will help out.

Are they both yours? Or your dd with someone else?

Put the DC first.
Inviting hard relatives is ok if it's aknowleldged and dealt with as a unit.

SeenAndNot · 09/12/2022 22:25

No way would I be exposing my kids to a binge drinking drug taker any day of the year let alone Christmas. Stick to your guns.

poefaced · 09/12/2022 22:31

No one who is cold and rude to you should be allowed in your own home.

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/12/2022 22:37

I think you've done absolutely the right thing because you have to put your children first. One thing is for certain, he won't do the same thing next year. I think one thing you will probably find is that he will get fed up of her and come up to you over Christmas.

If I were you, I would pack any of your valuables into a suitcase and leave them at a friend's house. I wouldn't trust his sister at all.

MinnieGirl · 09/12/2022 22:45

MichelleScarn · 09/12/2022 17:38

Maybe the 'difficult' sister could be less difficult, antagonist, smoking, drinking etc and people wouldn't have to move their Christmas plans to avoid her? Why should op apologise for not wanting to spend time with and ruin her kids Christmas by spending it with someone so unpleasant?

This is the basic issue isn’t it….
His sister is difficult… and they don’t want to be around her so why the hell did DP invite her for Christmas? Knowing what she’s like and that it would ruin your Christmas?
I don’t get this she will be in her own business… she will be on her own the rest of the year… that is her choice.

I think you could agree to come back a bit earlier and have a day with her, but you need to make it clear to DP that any invitations in future have to be agreed by both of you before the invite goes out…
She’s not a nice person and you don’t want her at Christmas, and if she invites herself you have plans.

marvellousmaple · 09/12/2022 22:45

Geez. That is going to be one awkward xmas for your DP and his sister. " Sorry my partner hates you so much she has left the house". Wowsers. Not something I could do to the man I love but it's done now. Definitely talk and sort something early next time. I feel a bit sorry for sister. Drinking, occasional dope smoking people are often not the worst people in the world .

frazzledasarock · 09/12/2022 23:18

It’s interesting how men are all galant and generous with extending the hospitality which their wives/partners are then expected to cater for. Whilst they do no entertaining of any sort, avoid their toxic relatives and lap up the praise for being such caring relatives and having their toxic unbearable relatives in their house so their partners can dance attendance and skivvy to everyone.

sod that.

hope your have a lovely Christmas OP. Maybe next year your partner will discuss guest invites with you.