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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A Christmas Family one, of course!

154 replies

60degreecycle · 09/12/2022 14:39

DH has invited his sister to stay over Christmas, we don't really get on, she's usually a bit absent, lives away and only sporadically in touch when she wants something, often money, has been very cold/rude with me at times which I've tried to let roll off my back to keep the peace, drinky, has been known to nip down the end of the garden to smoke a joint, but would otherwise be alone over Christmas and DH doesn't feel he can say no to her. Selfishly, a proper festive dampener on what was planned to be a first cosy quiet family one just the four of us with all other family having made other plans.

I in turn decided to take my DDs (not DP's daughters) down South to my brothers so they can have some fun with two sets of cousins, and my mum and elderly aunt who will be there. A big jolly old fashioned Christmas. DDs happy with this arrangement, which I organised as they weren't filled with joy about hanging out at home with DH strange sister.

DH is upset with me for bailing on him and leaving him with his sister, as he thinks they will have a shit time. I am inclined to agree, as it will basically involve watching her wordlessly motor through the drinks cabine. I'm a bit upset with him for agreeing to her sort of gatecrash our christmas and completely change the vibe for the DDs especially. I am upset not to be able to spend Christmas with DH but felt if I could save things for the kids I should do that? And now it's kind of done.

Is either of us being unreasonable? Have I been selfish to bail? Or was he unreasonable to change our plans and invite his sister? Is this just how it goes with weird family that you don't really want to hang out with?!

OP posts:

roarfeckingroarr · 10/12/2022 09:05

I think it would be unreasonable if they were his kids too but as they're not, I think you've done very well.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 10/12/2022 09:06

YANBU. I would have done the same. Why should you all stay home and suffer because he invited his rude sister. Enjoy your Christmas OP with your DC and your family and leave them to it.

IamnotSethRogan · 10/12/2022 09:10

I cannot believe people think you're being reasonable. It doesnt sound like he particularly wants his sister there but is a nice person and didn't want to leave her alone. Obviously it's not ideal. I can't believe you're leaving at Christmas because of this. I think it's pretty appalling actually.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 10/12/2022 09:20

Your DP was VERY unreasonable for inviting his (not very nice by the sounds of it) sister to stay over Christmas without discussing it with you. Due to his actions you have made your own plans with your family so you and your DC can have a lovely Christmas which is totally reasonable. I would have done exactly the same, he chose this so he'll have to put up with it. No need to feel guilty, hopefully next time he'll realise you need to discuss things as a couple before making decisions like this. I hope you and you DC have a wonderful Christmas with your family 🎄

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 10/12/2022 09:28

Well it's done now for this year isn't it?
At least he will remember the importance of agreement for next year.

CourtneeLuv · 10/12/2022 09:28

IamnotSethRogan · 10/12/2022 09:10

Why should everyone else suffer?he wants to be nice, he can entertain and suffer it.

roarfeckingroarr · 10/12/2022 09:29

You're definitely NBU. I might be a tad biased as have a SIL I wouldn't want to spend Christmas with too.

Cheeseandhoney · 10/12/2022 09:35

People on here just love it when a man gets treated terribly. If the genders were reversed it would be all ltb.

for me neither of you have behaved well and your communication is awful. I fully understand why he could not say no to his sister and didn’t want to leave her alone at Xmas .

But you mentioned two things which saw people baying with joy that you stuck it to him. She drinks and he’s male.

Crazycrazylady · 10/12/2022 09:43

I'm married to my dh because he is exactly the type of person who couldn't leave his sister all alone at Xmas. I definitely wouldn't punish him by hightailing it out of there and leaving him on Xmas day .. I'd still rather be with him on Christmas along with crazy sis than without him at all.

roarfeckingroarr · 10/12/2022 09:49

@Crazycrazylady the OP said she would stay if it wasn't for her kids, but would you put your kids through a crap Christmas with an unpredictable, heavy drinking stranger?

PhoenixReincarnated · 10/12/2022 09:51

Cheeseandhoney · 10/12/2022 09:35

People on here just love it when a man gets treated terribly. If the genders were reversed it would be all ltb.

for me neither of you have behaved well and your communication is awful. I fully understand why he could not say no to his sister and didn’t want to leave her alone at Xmas .

But you mentioned two things which saw people baying with joy that you stuck it to him. She drinks and he’s male.

A man hasn't been treated terribly. On the contrary he behaved terribly (disrespectfully) by inviting his sister without first consulting the op.

He invited his sister, knowing what she's like, knowing it would ruin the op's and her dds' Christmas and basically presented it as a fait accompli. Then to make himself seem less like the bad guy he offered for the op to take her dds to her family. Now he's shocked that the op has (rightly) prioritised her dds, taken him up on his offer and arranged to go to her family.

He's complaining that he'll have a shit Christmas but was happy to inflict the same on the OP and her dds without even having the respect to consult her.

OP YANBU. Maybe your dp will think twice next time before he pulls this stunt. His sister doesn't seem to like you much so she'll probably won't be bothered that you're not there.

MichelleScarn · 10/12/2022 09:51

@Cheeseandhoney but the dsis doesn't 'just drink' which makes it sound like op us a puritanical pearl clutcher due to a glass of wine, she's a heavy drinker, who dissappear to smoke cannabis, is cold and rude to OP, behaves inappropriately around the kids with her language and 'tales', is not someone who's generally in contact with the family unless she wants money.
The dp also acknowledged to OP that dsis coming would make it awful! Why on earth would op put her kids through a Christmas like that?!

SuperCamp · 10/12/2022 09:56

OP, is there any way you can make an alternative Christmas with your DH between Christmas and NY? Could he come and join you at your brother’s after his sister leaves, or you meet up for a couple of days in a cosy cottage on the way home?

Stompythedinosaur · 10/12/2022 09:57

He clearly should have discussed it with you, but dropping him over Christmas is a crappy thing to do.

isitginoclock · 10/12/2022 09:59

So let's get this straight. DP invited his sister without telling you. You wanted a jolly lovely family Xmas and didn't want her to ruin the vibe. So you sorted yourself out a lovely jolly Xmas like you wanted in the first place, the one that he ruined without asking you. And now he has to deal with it? Definitely not unreasonable. Please move over to the Christmas Mumsnet board and sort out all the problems there immediately as you seem to have a knack for it.

caringcarer · 10/12/2022 10:08

He should have discussed inviting his sister with you, but chose to make unilateral decision. You chose to salvage a decent Xmas for your children. He is left with sister. Next year he might remember and not issue invites for house guests without discussing with you first. He has brought this on himself. Well done for salvaging a decent Xmas for kids. He will learn kids come first at Xmas.

frazzledasarock · 10/12/2022 10:24

So what would happen if a vile alcoholic sibling with a penchant for smoking weed end up having Christmas alone?

OP and her DC have been driven from their home at Christmas.

OP has absolutely done the right thing in protecting her children and thinking of their needs above that of a dysfunctional adult who has chosen her own path.

and no way on earth would this be a thread by a man ever, no man has ever organised all of Christmas and cooked and cleaned and done all the presents only to have his female partner invite a vile guest last minute who she expects her male partner to feed, water and entertain whilst she disappears around the house getting all the glory of inviting her feckless relative and doing absolutely nothing else.

WhatNoRaisins · 10/12/2022 10:25

It's less a case of who is unreasonable and more concerning that you don't seem to communicate or try to make decisions together. That's not ideal if you're supposed to be in a commited relationship.

Original poster

60degreecycle · 10/12/2022 13:04

Thanks for your replies, I'm still not sure there's a right answer. We are both gutted, he feels he had no choice, I feel like I did have a choice and I chose the kids feelings over the adults.

They've had few weird Christmases since the divorce with a lot of back and forward travel, and split days.

This year we had a chance for an undisrupted family one, and I guess I feel quite protective of that. I can see how that appears selfish, absolutely.

The distance is too far to split the day, my brother lives several hours drive away.

To those suggestions of tit for tat behaviour and me looking to punish DP, that isn't my intention but I can seehow it may look like that.

We have talked about it lots, we are both quite independent and strong minded, but communication isn't usually an issue, which is why I'm a bit flummoxed with this situation.

He does the Christmas food shop, it's been in his ocado basket for weeks and I just have to nip in at the end and add what I want, he does the lions share of the cooking on the day and is a better present buyer than me, for anyone that was worried about him taking the piss in general. We are day to day really good, but this has just taken us really off piste!

OP posts:

StickyCricket · 10/12/2022 13:09

I would mentally write this one off this year - as in, he'll just have to accept it and make the best of it, and you will go and give your children a lovely time with their family. You've made the decision to put your children first this year and I personally think that was the right one.

There was a breakdown in communication this year and so it is what it is. Lessons learned all round for next time.

maddy68 · 10/12/2022 13:18

You are both acting like children. So you are having a "family" Christmas without their dad because you don't like his sister?

Of course he should invite her if she is alone

He should have spoken to you first obviously.

But you are being a nob

roarfeckingroarr · 10/12/2022 13:20

@maddy68 read the thread. The partner is not the father.

Iwanttoslowdown · 10/12/2022 13:28

Well done OP - this is you putting ur children rather than his sister first so no wonder it’s going to rile him. He’s going to be thinking of how he’s put your children first etc and how unfair it is on him but keep doing what ur doing. It will be his reaction after Christmas that tells you everything. You have to put your children first and he’s not got to test your position.

XanaduKira · 10/12/2022 13:31

I don't think you've been selfish at all @60degreecycle , you've put your children first and that's how it should be.

Original poster

60degreecycle · 10/12/2022 13:34

Hey @maddy68 he's not the girls dad, he's my partner of several years, but yes, it's possible I'm a nob.

OP posts:

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