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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A Christmas Family one, of course!

154 replies

60degreecycle · 09/12/2022 14:39

DH has invited his sister to stay over Christmas, we don't really get on, she's usually a bit absent, lives away and only sporadically in touch when she wants something, often money, has been very cold/rude with me at times which I've tried to let roll off my back to keep the peace, drinky, has been known to nip down the end of the garden to smoke a joint, but would otherwise be alone over Christmas and DH doesn't feel he can say no to her. Selfishly, a proper festive dampener on what was planned to be a first cosy quiet family one just the four of us with all other family having made other plans.

I in turn decided to take my DDs (not DP's daughters) down South to my brothers so they can have some fun with two sets of cousins, and my mum and elderly aunt who will be there. A big jolly old fashioned Christmas. DDs happy with this arrangement, which I organised as they weren't filled with joy about hanging out at home with DH strange sister.

DH is upset with me for bailing on him and leaving him with his sister, as he thinks they will have a shit time. I am inclined to agree, as it will basically involve watching her wordlessly motor through the drinks cabine. I'm a bit upset with him for agreeing to her sort of gatecrash our christmas and completely change the vibe for the DDs especially. I am upset not to be able to spend Christmas with DH but felt if I could save things for the kids I should do that? And now it's kind of done.

Is either of us being unreasonable? Have I been selfish to bail? Or was he unreasonable to change our plans and invite his sister? Is this just how it goes with weird family that you don't really want to hang out with?!

OP posts:
EL8888 · 09/12/2022 23:29

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/12/2022 14:49

I am mightly impressed by your decisive action. Nothing ruins Christmas like a drinker. He can hardly complain when he imposed his sister on you all.

Yep. Good on you for being decisive. Sister sounds like a pain. Discussing who attends at Christmas is only good manners surely?!

FredWinnie · 10/12/2022 00:12

@frazzledasarock
It’s interesting how men are all galant and generous with extending the hospitality which their wives/partners are then expected to cater for. Whilst they do no entertaining of any sort, avoid their toxic relatives and lap up the praise for being such caring relatives and having their toxic unbearable relatives in their house so their partners can dance attendance and skivvy to everyone.

This times a hundred!
OP you're being a strong role model for your dds. You're setting boundaries and letting them know they don't have to sacrifice their holidays for someone who won't appreciate it (ie the sister)

Cornishclio · 10/12/2022 00:24

As his sister seems to be very unpleasant to others and a bit selfish I am not sure why he invited her or said yes to her in the first place. I don't really feel sorry for horrible people being left on their own as their actions in the past have usually driven most of us who aren't doormats away. If they are alone it is their own fault.

So I would say you are perfectly justified in going to your brothers so at least you and your DDs can have a nice time. I do feel sorry for your DP but see no reason why all four of you should be miserable.

Thereisnolight · 10/12/2022 00:30

Blueberrywitch · 09/12/2022 15:48

I think you’re being unreasonable I’m afraid. Christmas is about giving back and including people, your DP is being kind to a lonely family member and you’ve left him in the lurch.

Agree.

KateBalesCardi · 10/12/2022 00:59

I imagine he thought Christmas with his DS would be bearable with you and DD's there to provide a buffer and now he's facing her undiluted company it doesn't seem such a good idea! I have little sympathy for him I'm afraid, he shouldn't have agreed without speaking to you first and it's only right he suffers the consequences of that. Although, you said she has threatened to come before and not turned up, is that likely to happen again? Could DP come to you at DB's if it does or would he be stuck at home on his own?

XanaduKira · 10/12/2022 01:04

StopFeckingFaffing · 09/12/2022 16:24

Since he is your DP rather than DH and not the father of your DC then I can understand why you have prioritised what you believe is best for your DC

It does send him a fairly clear message about your priorities but I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing

This!

I think you've absolutely done the right thing Op. Well done for putting your DCs happiness first. Enjoy your Christmas with your family.

ChocolateBauble · 10/12/2022 01:32

My tolerance for arses who tend to spoil things has got much lower as I’ve got older. So I think you have done the right thing. If she’s a heavy drinker that would have been horrible for your DDs to put up with at Christmas. Your DH has made his choice and you have made yours. Neither of you are unreasonable, he might be foolish with his choice though.

Allsnotwell · 10/12/2022 07:01

Sorry my partner hates you so much she has left the house". Wowsers. Not something I could do to the man I love but it's done now

So you wouldn’t tear someone like that but you would allow yourself to be treated badly - hardly praise worthy -

I would’ve done the same (DH or DP not sure that marriage Would’ve made any different)

emptythelitterbox · 10/12/2022 07:34

frazzledasarock · 09/12/2022 23:18

It’s interesting how men are all galant and generous with extending the hospitality which their wives/partners are then expected to cater for. Whilst they do no entertaining of any sort, avoid their toxic relatives and lap up the praise for being such caring relatives and having their toxic unbearable relatives in their house so their partners can dance attendance and skivvy to everyone.

sod that.

hope your have a lovely Christmas OP. Maybe next year your partner will discuss guest invites with you.

Totally agree.
They know what they're doing and expect their wife/partner to put up with it.

I bet he doesn't do it again next Christmas.

Bywayofanupdate · 10/12/2022 07:38

He was BU inviting his sister before speaking with you but surely you could put up with her for a couple of days? I wouldn't split my family up over christmas

herbaltea21 · 10/12/2022 07:52

AdventuringAway · 09/12/2022 14:52

I think both of you are being unreasonable. He shouldn’t have invited his sister without consulting you, but making plans to go away over Christmas without him was a bit rubbish too.

I agree with this his.
It's sad that otherwise his sister would be alone o Christmas. Whilst this isn't your responsibility as such, she is family and leaving one on their own at Xmas is just really rubbish and sad.
I'm not excusing her drinking or smoking, I understand that you don't want that round you. But just remember how much of a privalige it is to wake up with family.
I think rearranging your Xmas with your family is just going to cause problems in the long run. I think you should've sat down and talked about what you were going to do instead of just doing it.
Sorry OP I think I'm siding with yabu.

sandgrown · 10/12/2022 07:57

All the people saying OP is u reasonable have obviously never spent Christmas with a heavy drinker . They ruin the lunch and the rest of the day with obnoxious comments and rude behaviour and you are walking on eggshells . If the sister is staying a while OP will still spend some time with her but this way her children get to enjoy Christmas Day . Some years ago we were invited to close friend’s house for Christmas Dinner . They were great hosts and we always had a good time . Ex was drinking on Christmas Eve and decided last minute he wasn’t coming . He was incensed I wouldn’t stay home with him even though I couldn’t have conjured up a Christmas Dinner at such short notice . Myself and DS went and had a lovely day . He whinged about how he had beans on toast on Christmas Day . It was the end of the relationship.

gogohmm · 10/12/2022 08:09

Both of you are unreasonable! Him for inviting the sister with

CourtneeLuv · 10/12/2022 08:09

Why cant she go to someone else?

gogohmm · 10/12/2022 08:10

Oops

Him for inviting the sister without consultation and you for subsequently going to your family knowing you have a guest

RobinRobinMouse · 10/12/2022 08:12

I think you are both being unreasonable. You need to decide if you are going to live and act as a family unit, which means both making decisions together. Tit for tat helps no one.

CBG34 · 10/12/2022 08:14

StickyCricket · 09/12/2022 14:48

He should never have invited his sister without talking it through with you first.

Go and enjoy your Christmas with your family, and hopefully he’ll learn a lesson for next year.

Completely agree! I think the problem is he made a decision that affected you and the rest of the family without involving you.

This for me is the main problem, he should've discussed with you first before inviting her. You have a say in your Christmas Day too and I think you making alternative plans shows real gumption. He'll definitely think twice next time..!

amylou8 · 10/12/2022 08:19

Good for you! He invited her, he can put up with her. Have a lovely Christmas.

Ragwort · 10/12/2022 08:22

You have made the right choice ... there is far too much emotion around Christmas... I have (very happily) spent Christmas apart from my DH and DS for various reasons - although we did clearly discuss it first - we had a 'celebration' on a different day and everyone was happy.

diddl · 10/12/2022 08:23

Op doesn't want to spend Christmas day with a drinker who is rude to her.

Fair play.

What's the big deal about Christmas Day alone anyway?

cleanfreak12345 · 10/12/2022 08:38

You DH invited her so he can spend some quality time with her then lol

I think you're doing the right thing. Don't let her ruin your Christmas. Maybe next time you can have a joint discussion before him inviting her without asking you?

My IL's have a rude, ignorant brother attend some years and when he arrives the atmosphere changes instantly. They only allow him to come as his/their mother is attending. He's painfully arrogant and standoffish

MichelleScarn · 10/12/2022 08:44

frazzledasarock · 09/12/2022 23:18

It’s interesting how men are all galant and generous with extending the hospitality which their wives/partners are then expected to cater for. Whilst they do no entertaining of any sort, avoid their toxic relatives and lap up the praise for being such caring relatives and having their toxic unbearable relatives in their house so their partners can dance attendance and skivvy to everyone.

sod that.

hope your have a lovely Christmas OP. Maybe next year your partner will discuss guest invites with you.

A thousand times this! Interesting so many posts saying op has made the changes that'll upset things and has been the one to spoil Christmas for the poor sister, when all of this has been instigated by the DP, and central character who causes the issues the Dsis!

ZenNudist · 10/12/2022 08:49

Actually you've both done the right thing. He's looking out for his own family. That's a good thing. He sounds like a good egg.

You meanwhile are looking out for yours.

Well done for not inflicting your boyfriends alcoholic sister snoking pot in your garden on your dd.

You aren't married. They aren't his dc. I get you feel bad for him but that's it. Maybe he will think twice next year. Though I'm not sure he can leave her alone on Christmas. Is she just an unpleasant person or is she a danger to herself?

Cas112 · 10/12/2022 08:52

CarefreeMe · 09/12/2022 16:21

YABU

It’s one thing to invite someone over to join in with your Christmas.

But to go to a complete different house than your DH is way worse.

I wonder if you had invited your mum round and so your DH decided to go to someone else’s house instead, if he too would be getting as much support as you.

This

SuperCamp · 10/12/2022 09:01

Why didn’t you all, Dp included, decide to go to your brothers in the first place ?

Did DP consult you before asking his sister? Did you let it be known that you wouldn’t stay at home if he did?

Generally, the communication in your relationship seems lacking.

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