He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

Only mums want to look after their children? Never dads? Interesting. Why is that? Or does providing for a child financially as well as physically and emotionally only matter if you have a penis?

God this thread is full of embarrassingly stupid people. OP - You aren't one of them! Be grateful for that!

😆 you and op seem to be in the minority.

‘You're an angry nutjob’

Is rude name-calling your debating strategy? Cringe.

If you read the whole thread;
They don't have enough money coming in to meet bills.
The OP is cross because her husband has a couple of days off and doesn't get paid. Or won't do overtime.
We have no idea what work he does, or whether his 9-5 involves having to commute so his day is longer, or what sort of work he does , which might make a difference.
The LO seems to have anything she wants to the detriment of the family.
If the husband tries to care for the child and doesn't do it exactly as the OP wants she takes over, so he can't learn how to do things as it seems to be one way or the highway.
Worrying about money seriously affects a relationship, it doesn't matter what happened in the past, today there seem to be issues. It's causing tension between them.
I do know about children with different needs, and it is hard ,but LO will have to go to school, although at one point the OP said she had considered homeschooling.
The post is really lots of reasons/excuses why the OP can't do things.
Being a SAHM is fine if both agree and can afford it, but from reading the whole thread it seems that is not the case.
If anyone can magic some money up without the OP working let us know because I'm sure we would all want to know.
There has to be a compromise to prevent more problems, but that doesn't seem to be happening, that might mean leaving the husband to work out how to parent , but there are other options,just not what the OP wants.

It sounds to me like you’re doing your best for your daughter and your husband doesn’t want to be a proper father. I know what it’s like when i get a day off and my kids are at school/childcare. I have a huge to do list that involves nothing for myself! That must be doubly hard when you only have a few hours to get errands done. If I were you I would do what’s best for you and your daughter and he will just have to help out more and be a dad !

TBH it doesn't sound like you're working as a team, neither of you are listening to eachother.
If you werent together, he would have to work all day, pay all of his bills, do his own cooking and cleaning, and chances are, you'd be forced to look for work 30 hours a week by the job centre, or face always being behind on bills, and your child not necessarily having the things in reach that she has now.

It's within both of your interests to understand that you need compromise or effectively both be worse off.

I think your DH is being a real tw*t. He is working to support his family, tell him to grow up. Yes he is entitled to leave and a break too, you can’t criticize that but equally you have work options and you should just take them. Basically he wants to behave like a child and doesn’t want to have to do any parenting when he is off…..tough, he can suck it up. Put your foot down!

He doesn’t ‘have’ to suck it up at all. If this is how a relationship works for some of you, I can see divorce lawyers in your future.

Don't waste you breath, the ignorance and lack of empathy on this thread is off the scale.

YABU. you can’t get by in life with not working if your household requires more income. And as you are sometimes late on bills then it clearly does. You can’t expect him to work full time so you can live comfortably whilst he’s clearly miserable.

your daughter should get her 30 free hours?

They don’t have enough money to pay their bills. Regardless of all the stuff about DH wanting leisure time or whatever…their outgoings are higher than their incomings. That’s the reality.

OP herself has said she would love to work and is willing to - just in ways that suit her. Why are the people on this thread who are saying she should work being derided as “work obsessed mums” or “SAHM haters”? You make no fucking sense. Do you just live in cloud cuckoo land? They need more money coming in - is that not obvious?

I was a SAHM for six years so I certainly understand the desire. It also became increasingly clear when we were paying bills with credit cards that this was not a viable set up to continue. So I started working and now work full time in a senior role. I said up thread that my 3 children are NT but that’s not strictly true - my youngest is being assessed for selective mutism. She has not spoken all through Reception and not yet so far in Y1. So I see it from both sides.

Whilst I have my doubts OP does actually want to work, despite what she says (because she could just go and bloody do it), what’s worse is the venom and nonsense being directed at people on this thread pointing out the very very obvious: they need more money and OP is capable and has the potential to do that.

I think you should get a job while DD is at nursery but not necessarily teaching . I think you should at least earn up to the tax threshold .Probably not full time .

YANBU. Do the sums and show him; unless you have free wraparound childcare your wages will be swallowed up by childcare costs. Far easier to go back to work once DD is at school full-time. I’ve never not worked; i went back to work after 10 months with both of my DDs; 3 days, 4 days and full time. But i have the luxury of a mother that couldn’t wait to retire and look after her grandkids. Not only have i never had childcare costs; i’ve also never had the stress of finding and working around wraparound care A 9-5 Mon-Fri job is not ‘working your arse off’ btw; what a joke. He should try living in my husband’s shoes.

@Redebs how is it shaming? It’s the truth! I think most of us would love the luxury of being a SAHM! I feel guilty every day that I can’t be. I missed out on so many firsts because I HAD to go back to work!! So it IS a privilege to have been able to have had that time. The OP and other SAHM mums are very lucky! Yes it is hard work, but what about those of us who work a full day/week and have to parent evenings and weekends on top too the work doesn’t stop on top of that!! Yes we chose to have kids and work, not bemoaning that but BOTH can be done

Have you thought of child minding or something else you can do from home? maybe tutor in school holidays at least your husband won't have to babysit then if it's such an issue for him. I see both your sides it's finding a compromise , hope you manage to sort something

I'm with you OP.

It sounds like your DH isn't very ambitious.
You have always been the main breadwinner while doing all the domestic chores and he's been able to coast not having to do much.

He's snippy now because he will have to step up and do something.

What has your DH done all these years to earn more?

Interesting how so many men are incapable of doing both.

But she isn't working at present! It doesn't matter what the situation was 10 or 20 years ago, today they are struggling. And I find it amazing that people are asking why the husband isn't more ambitious! Do we still rely on men then and do nothing?

OP said the GP had referred her for an ADHD assessment, if a doctor has done that at 4, it's definitely something significant and the pre-school would have had to say something too. OP has opted to go private to get the assessment done sooner, but she has been referred by a GP.

Currently reading a book called scattered minds written by a doctor who has adhd and has 3 children with it, I'd read that before you make your decision on going back to work. If your daughter does have adhd then I'd say she's your priority, not your husband, I have a 24 dd and wish I'd have read this book when she was 4, could of possibly led to very different outcomes, all the best for you and your dd.

You have missed the point about OP saying that when they get behind on bills it is HER that gets them back on track and that they couldn't pay the electricity bill because her DH took 2 days of extra leave unpaid. She also said that she was the higher earner before having DD and that she had redundancy money and savings and worked part time when DD was a baby. Sounds very much to me like DH is crap with money and misses being a kept man, spending all his earnings on himself!

I'm shocked at all the comments becuase it's not fair for him to come home after work and look after his kid!!!!!!!
But it's OK for you to go to work all day, then look after your child, then do all the house work and cooking! But not for him?!

Get a job in the evenings and if he doesn't like it then he can pay for a babysitter! Absolute joke!

I totally understand wanting to be at home with your child. She will be at school in September. Maybe wait until till then.

Crazy isn't it. Like so many men still rely on women to do the lions share of the child care and cook and clean, but now they do that as well as working and seemingly in OP's case navigating the care for a ND child. The OP has given a viable option to earn money and to be there for a child who needs extra attention than NT children don't, but her DH doesn't like that option as he would have to taken on more childcare responsibilities in his "free time". I guess if the OP was working, taking care of the house and available to deal with the challenges of looking after their child it would suit him better.

Please read the whole thread, the OP admits that unless her husband parents exactly as she wishes then she steps in and prevents him doing anything.