He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

Quite right @LaLuz7 even the way op said in an early post 'he only works mon-fri 9-5 taking holiday when he can.... the nerve of him!

The bottom line is that the family is struggling to pay basic bills.

That means they need to bring in more money.
I would say that being able to feed DD and put a roof over her head is prioritising her. In an ideal world, OP might like not to work and be able to focus all her time on her child with possible ADHD (no, I didn't miss it) but paying for basics is more important. It's not selfish of DH to point this out.

It may not be ideal, but it might be necessary. Several people on this thread who have children with SEN have posted about how difficult it is to have to work around their child's needs, but that sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.

That got my blood boiling. The sheer nerve and entitlement and double standards...

OP looking after a 4 year old and tending to a 3 person household is gruelling 24/7 work (and not something working mothers do everyday on top of a 40 hours work week).

But husband's job is "only" full time, he's not ambitious enough, he wants more money to spend on "boy toys" and overall he's the priviledged one who has it easy by comparison.

Have i got that right?

What paralel universe have I been teleported into?

That is as you are at home all day, I did most things like this on MAT leave as my husband was out at work all day. Now we both work full time on compressed hours so we each get an extra day with our son and our son is 16 months old.

We share all the roles equally more or less (and yes I've had to put my foot down on this as DH got used to me doing everything). I have no experience of having a child with ADHD so can't comment, but they are going to be starting school in less than a year so them being away from you is going to happen soon anyway.

Besides, you will now qualify for 30 hours free childcare so you will have much reduced (if any) childcare costs. Going back to work part time will be a massive help. HOWEVER, you have to make sure that the household roles and time for yourselves are split accordingly if you start working again.

I think saying that when your daughter has her childcare in the mornings is your only time to get jobs done is a little rich as the rest of us still have to cook, clean, work and care for our children without an empty house.

I disagree and have sympathy with OP. I had one child in later life and was also originally a teacher. If it turns out to be one child that’s irreplaceable time. Teaching work is enormously exhausting and in the last 4 years has become harder with ever increasing unpaid hours. Dd possibly needs extra support. DH needs to understand that finances are affected in this situation but it’s temporary. They were presumably keen to have a child I don’t see why they can’t do their bit one evening a week.

I think saying that when your daughter has her childcare in the mornings is your only time to get jobs done is a little rich as the rest of us still have to cook, clean, work and care for our children without an empty house And as you yourself said you have no experience at all of what it's like to have a four year old with ADHD. So without knowing the reality of OP's day-to-day challenges with her DD you probably shouldn't be saying "it's a bit rich" and how the rest of us do x,y and z. Your situation isn't comparable to OP's as you don't have an ND child. I do and I still wouldn't judge anyone else or assume their situation is the same as mine, as every ND child is different and comes with different challenges. The one thing I can tell you though is it's fucking exhausting and definitely easier to get things done when they're not there.

I’d be annoyed at you. Being the sole financial provider is difficult and a lot of stress on him. Four is very old for you to still be at home.

Sorry but you're being very unreasonable. Most of us have to work and so do you, it seems. It's not the 50s, the kids of lives we lead now need 2 wages. It's not fair for him to do all the working and have no money for himself. You say evening works around your child, but it doesn't. Working in the day whilst she can play at nursery does, and then you can share the household jobs. No wonder your partner is fed up and gets moaned at for having 2 days off!

But the previous point was about them falling behind on essentials. Why are his treats more important than his daughter's wellbeing?

Sit-down and draw up a rota of household jobs and childminder/nursery fees or cleaning fees and discuss it properly. He needs to understand that you won't do everything, he has to do his fair share too if you work. Your 4 year old will be going to school in September and I know this sounds harsh but they will have to get used to it, you're not exactly going to rush to collect them early from school, you could start early and finish for school pick up maybe.

@LaLuz7

@randomfriends

cos treats contribute to a persons wellbeing
and his wellbeing is every bit as important as his daughters

My four year old is severely autistic, and it IS in her best interests to be using her 30 hours of free childcare as she then has access to help through the school support system, and they can work on their additional needs and provide the correct support needed to help her. Your four year old is not better off being at home, it's just convenient for you not to work

Yes if your child is sick you take time off, like all working parents do but they rarely ever send them home at that age. If you both worked full time, you would both be sharing the other responsibilities of housework etc because like most working families, you have to otherwise it doesn't get done.

You need to communicate better together to understand the others needs

He's a parent, his daughter's wellbeing should be his priority.

Your point being...?

She doesn't say that he currently buys stuff for himself. She is assuming that he wants her to bring in some income so that he can buy "boy toys". Which is simply an assumption, not the absolute truth.

What is more likely is that he wants some pressure off. To have some savings for safety, to not carry 100% of the weight of financial responsibility on his shoulders, to not pinch every penny, to not be one emergency expense away from debt, to have a semblance of disposable income for himself, to make his job seem worthwhile.

And it is absolutely entirely 100% alright to want to have some disposable income to yourself at the end of the month if you work full time. It's soulsucking to invest 40 h a week yet barely to make ends meet and never afford any treats. It's human to feel that way.

You can try to demonise him all you want, it doesn’t make you right.

Do you work by any chance?

And that's only whatever the DM wants, he gets no say? Will the dd not be for full time school in August? Surely her going to nursery just now for a few more hours to help access support would be beneficial?

What use will any of that be if her partner gets ill or cannot work??
OP needs to get a job, and her partner needs to accept that he needs to step up At parenting. But OP needs to let him, this crap of he can't manage DD the way I can is BS, how will he ever do it if OP is always doing it!

most couples work with more than one child. You are being unreasonable expecting your H to carry all the financial burden.

@randomfriends

u don’t stop being a person though just cos you become a parent
him wanting a bit of disposable income at the end of the month is totally normal

That sometimes you have a make sacrifices, even when you work.

I know I'm walking right into this, but no, I don't work at the moment, I'm a SAHM. I study part time and do voluntary work one day a week. I have 3 ND children and I know what it's like to be at home with them and what it's like to have one who doesn't cope well with pre-school. My youngest has just started school and my eldest is currently being homeschooled.

The main difference for me is that, despite working up to 40 hours pw, my DH is a very involved dad and has no problem with looking after his own children. He even does it to facilitate me doing hobbies and unpaid work, so there's no way he'd be arsey about doing it so that I could earn us some decent cash!

Why should DD "want for nothing" and your poor DH does? Where's the balance? 🤷‍♀️

And something that an awful lot of parents with ND children forgo. You aren't going to change my mind on this, children come first, as someone who was raised by a selfish mother, that's my primary value.

DH doesn't want to sacrifice and OP doesn't get to make the choice for him. Easy as that.

@randomfriends

this

But he's allowed to make it for her apparently. Like I said, misogynistic BS.