He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

@loislovesstewie I didn’t say that unless he parents exactly as I wish I step in 🤷🏻‍♀️
Dd can show challenging behaviour and Dh doesn’t have the calm and patience I have, I get it, it’s very difficult, he tries hard, but she can be a lot. To avoid shouting and losing temper, I take over for Dds sake. You think I want to do that? You think I don’t want a fucking break for once??

OP I am a single parent (donor conceived so literally just me) to two DC with SEND, and also a teacher. What I think would make all the difference to you is a good childminder. This is what you need because you can then teach 2-3 days a week either contracted or supply, and when you do go back to work you will need wrap around child care anyway (unless you plan never to go back?) This is what I did, I dropped my kids off at lovely cminder on the days I worked at 7.30 and picked them up at 6.30. while it's a long day it is nothing like daycare and much easier for children with additional needs to manage. Presumably your DH could drop off and pick up anyway so DDs hours wouldn't be as long as my kids were. I don't think it is reasonable for you not to work proper hours while you are struggling with bills. It's lovely being at home but she's four! Are you a bit scared of change maybe?

Yes, I name changed for another post and forgot

And how exactly does OP get them back on track with bills and how does she manage to save up for Christmas? When presumably she is working zero hours at the moment.

Is she sitting on savings that she dips into when needed but won't put in the communal pot?

Is she asking for help from family?

By save does she mean put aside money from husband's wages?

Something does not add up

She contributed more than him for years. Then had a big redundancy and savings. Whilst her child was young (after fertility issues) she chose to contribute by staying at home and saving on childcare (which lets be honest sometimes eats up entire wages of one person when they’re babies). Which is a valid choice many make (but get slaughtered on here for). The DH benefited from this by working without worrying about the housework/childcare or anything.

Why do we think SAHMs contribute nothing? How sad.

This is such an anti SAHM thread. And it’s awful the abuse the OP has got for taking a few years off to look after her child.

She has found a solution to make some good money and her DH is blocking it.

Absolutely amazing responses on this thread.

OP - I’m afraid to say YABU. As so many others have said, you could use your 30hrs of free childcare and work some
of that time. I find it hard to get past that, tbh.

The situation was clearly working in the past but with the rise of inflation and increases in bills, food shopping - everything really - it just isn't working now.

But he won't learn will he? Believe it or not I do have some sympathy for you. Both of my, now adult kids, have additional needs. I know it's hard to manage meltdowns, I know that it's hard if other carers don't have the same patience, I know that it's hard when you see your child confused and upset because they don't understand why others think they are odd, or strange, or the weird kid. I've been there. There's only so much that you can do, eventually your LO has to be with others who might think exactly that, you can't protect forever and the whole world won't make allowances. I know I'm not you, I know I dealt with my circumstances in a different way, I tried to get them to understand that there will be challenges and while they might never fit in they have to realize that the world does not revolve around them. I admit that I find you somewhat frustrating because it does seem that you won't try to do things in any other way than yours. If that is not the case then I apologise.

I honestly think for you own sanity you should leave this thread. It's making me angry, so I have no idea how it must be making you feel. Your child comes first, it sounds like you have a DH problem to be honest if he deals with your DD like that. I know kids with ADHD can be challenging, my daughter is 13 and to be honest it's worse now than it ever was when she was little. I don't know how much of that is my fault as I simply wasn't around as much as I should have been as I was a working single parent trying to juggle everything. I was constantly being called from work to collect her because of stomach issues which were due to anxiety. I was and still am worn out. If you can avoid this and take this time to get her the help she needs, support and be there for her, then do. Don't listen to sone people on this thread as they have no fucking clue.

It simply is the case! Read the whole OP, she was the higher earner prior to having DD, she contributed savings and her redundancy pay and they worked evenings and weekends tutoring when DD was a baby. She also manages the household finances to keep them on track. Her DH is just throwing his (old) toys out of the pram because he can't buy new ones whenever he wants.

*then, not they

Yes WAS is past tense. 4 years later circumstances have CHANGED. Her DH cannot afford it NOW.

If your falling behind on bills what would you do????

I still don’t understand why she just doesn’t go ahead and find work during those hours? How exactly is her DH blocking her other than saying he doesn’t want her to?

I honestly cannot comprehend this thread. @Forleasenavidad has said in a previous post that she is willing to work. So what are we all arguing about?

@Forleasenavidad he's not actually blocking you. You have full agency to go and work during those hours. Your DH needs to learn how to parent DD with the patience she needs. How else will he ever learn if he doesn’t ever have to?

Her DD is four. She doesn't need to be taught that the world doesn't revolve around her, she needs to be given the support she needs until she goes to school in September. Once DD starts getting the help she needs for her ADHD THEN the OP will be able to start, with the help of medical professionals, to help her find the strategies she needs to navigate and cope with what going to be a much more challenging life than NT children have. At the moment OP needs to be with her, cope the next she can and avoid burnout, as she has many challenging years ahead.

They can’t afford this set up any longer. Why is it making you angry for that to be pointed out? It’s not as if they are rolling in money and DH has said he wants her to contribute financially. In that situation I’d be fully behind OP to stay at home. But it’s not financially viable for her to stay at home anymore - that’s not vitriol against SAHMs to say that. It’s common sense.

GorgeousLadyofWrestling* And she's given him a viable solution where she can contribute, make decent money (tutoring is around £35 per hour) and still be there for her child. He doesn't like that solution as he'll have to care for their child in his "free time". Your point is?

Exactly what I’ve been saying multiple times - that she should go ahead and do exactly that?

I’m questioning the rhetoric on this thread that he’s blocking her doing that. He’s not. All he’s said he is he doesn’t want her to do that. It’s the obvious solution so she should do exactly that. Read my posts up thread - I’ve said this many times.

They can’t afford this set up any longer. Why is it making you angry for that to be pointed out? It’s not as if they are rolling in money and DH has said he wants her to contribute financially. In that situation I’d be fully behind OP to stay at home. But it’s not financially viable for her to stay at home anymore - that’s not vitriol against SAHMs to say that. It’s common sense What's making me angry btw, is the plethora of comments not even taking the ADHD into account and the complete lack of understanding or empathy about what it is to have a young child with ADHD and the extra help and support they need. If it was the child with a physical disability the comments would be completely different. THAT'S what's making me angry.

GorgeousLadyofWrestling He has be be on board with this though. OP has already said he doesn't deal with their daughter well and gets angry and shouts. If he's forced into a situation which he doesn't want, this will only get worse. They both need to be on the same page as there is a child who has challenging behaviour who needs to be cared for.

Op so what's best for your dd.
In the blink of an eye she will be going to uni or moving out.
It goes so incredibly fast you won't regret it.

I think this is a common problem and probably only one that can be solved if you at least give part time work a trial. Presumably it would be easy to do that if you're a teacher. I think many SAHP are worried their partners won't step up if they go back to work but he might actually step up if he has to.

My dh totally changed with regard to pick up and drop offs and taking time off when DD’s were sick. The house was admittedly not as clean and tidy (and there were a few arguments about that) but he slowly got better. A friend, whose DH has always hassled her work, changed his tune once she did go back and he saw the reality of how much extra work he needed to do with the house and children (he had previously done FA). He actually begged her to stop and she stayed at home after that for several years without complaint from him.

It's probably not best for her if the parents are in debt and arguing though.

He's already NOT on board with her not working at all. That's OK? But suddenly for her to actually work some hours she needs his blessing and for him to be on board?

Nah, the double standards and cherry picking are astonishing here

She’ll regret it if they can’t afford to eat or heat their home. That definitely wouldn’t be good for the DD. The OP should at least start some tutoring while the DH takes over for an hour or two some evenings. I do think the child should at least try going to preschool for longer time. What do the preschool say about that?

It's probably not going to be best for her to be shuttles between two houses when DH inevitably has enough and divorces OP...