He says I have to get back to work

[Tellmewhenthegoodstuffstarts]

Have worked all my life and often earned more than Dh, until we had Dd, 4, later in life. After maternity I decided to stay at home with Dd, we’ve always had enough to get by on his one wage, although nothing really much left over for treats for ourselves etc (I’m not bothered at all)
Dd has everything she needs and more..clubs, activities, days out, clothes, books, toys if needed and has a wonderful life.
She’s just started pre school part time a few mornings per week and is currently awaiting assessment for possible adhd
We sometimes fall behind with bill payments, but I’m always able to get us back on track, we get by and Dd wants got nothing.
I’m a teacher by trade but never want to return to teaching full time as I was before Dd, I’m willing to do any other work at all, as long as it can fit around Dd.
Ive been asked many times to do private tutoring in the evenings and weekends and babysitting at night, I’ve done this in the past but Dh doesn’t think it’s fair to be at work all day and then look after Dd in the evenings and at weekends,
These are the only times I’m able to fit with around Dd at present.
Dh has been complaining and getting angry that he *Works his arse off but has nothing extra to show for it. He works only Mom-Fri-9-5 hrs, has holidays and takes days off when he can, preferring to be off than earning money that day, two days wishing the last two weeks, when we desperately need extra money for Xmas.
Ive managed to save back and get all Dds presents aside from her main big one and have put aside money for the Christmas food shop etc. We’ve just had an electricity bill come in (which could’ve been paid by the two days he took off, if he’d worked)
He’s gone mad saying he’s sick of working so hard and still struggling and that I need to get a job, he’s basically put all the blame on me. I’ve said to him I can make a good amount of money working some evenings and weekends but that he complains, I’ve said how can I easily find work within the hours of 9.30-11.30, three days per week. I’m willing to work and want the extra money myself, how can the blame be put on me when I’m giving him options that he refuses?
I want to keep Dd part time at pre school for now as she’s already struggling and feeling overwhelmed with just those hours as can be seen by her behaviour. I want to stay with her the rest of the time in the day and make sure she’s not over stressed but then can go to work when he’s home.
Sick of this all being my fault somehow, is it?

? She said they can afford it.

@LaDamaDeElche

this! They can’t afford it.
simple.
why the anger at that?

@ChristmasJoysuckers

well they can’t can they cos they sometimes fall behind on bills and don’t have any money left to spend on themselves

By managing the family finances, earning money does not equal financial responsibility. It adds up completely when you're the one doing it.

this! They can’t afford it. simple. why the anger at that? Read my next post for your answer.

I didn't have any money to spend on myself for years, DH and I didn't bother with bday presents or Xmas....
I'm not sure when you have DC who would be better with more time at home that spending on oneself is a good excuse to work.

The bill could have been paid but her DH chose not to work . He has decided she can't work either,how she wants to.
It sounds mind bogglingly selfish to me and I feel very lucky that DH and I have always put the DC first and foremost. He never ever put any pressure on me to work even though he was carrying a load through the cc.
When he was made redundant and I was back at work albeit earning less, I said I was happy to support us for as long as he needed and for him to have a good break off work.
But we are very well versed in sourcing what we need for free, yellow label food stickers, charity shops...car boots. Both are physically low maintenance, cut out own hair and so on.
Reduced everything or money off.
We also take students in a few times a year when we can.
Now we both work of course things feel immeasurably easier.
But we are glad we made those early sacrifices and it's all gone so quickly, I could be working for another 40 year's.

There are plenty of families, especially at the moment, where both partners are earning and they still can't afford things for themselves. Nevermind the OP, the privilege of half the PPs on this thread is ridiculous.

Nah, the double standards and cherry picking are astonishing here Says the poster who literally doesn't acknowledge the ADHD or, correct me if I'm wrong - it's been a long thread - but also said OP doesn't know if DD has ADHD as she hasn't been assessed. If that wasn't you, apologies. It's clear you don't have children/grandchildren with this condition or you would be taking this information into account when you post, but you aren't, you're treating OP as if she can't be arsed to work, which just simply isn't the case. Many children, girls especially, mask ADHD, and don't get sent for assessment until they're older, some not until high school, so there have to be some pretty clear behavioural problems and developmental differences to get this assessment at that age. Perhaps put yourself in OPs shoes or if that's beyond your realms of empathy, swap ADHD for physical disability, and think if you may have commented differently. This is why people with ND children should not post under these topics as they're getting responses from people who have no idea what their day to day lives are like.

He doesn’t have to be on board with it. He has to just parent.

First it was DH didn’t want her to. Then it was DH can’t look after DD as well as she can.

It can’t be both ways. she has said she wants to work but it seems like she’s doing a fair amount of blocking the obvious solution as well.

Going against the grain here I am entirely on the OPs side. I hope you can get the best help for your daughter.

I'd go to work, but my DH works from home with flexible hours and has no issue with looking after his own children because he's always been an involved parent.

He doesn’t have to be on board with it. He has to just parent Agreed that he needs to just parent. Getting angry and shouting at an NT
four year old isn't parenting though. It sounds like the OP is in a pretty stressful situation. I would imagine her mental health isn't great either with everything she has on her plate.

I didn’t say that unless he parents exactly as I wish I step in 🤷🏻‍♀️
Dd can show challenging behaviour and Dh doesn’t have the calm and patience I have, I get it, it’s very difficult, he tries hard, but she can be a lot. To avoid shouting and losing temper, I take over for Dds sake. You think I want to do that? You think I don’t want a fucking break for once??

Your wasting your time trying to explain OP. Many posters on this thread have zero concept of dealing with challenging behaviour from a SEN child. They have never experienced keeping everything calm because the reason your child is acting out is because they are massively stressed by something. They have never had to do this while also on inside being worn out and frustrated with how relentless things can be. If the other parent can’t keep the head then it makes everything worse. It’s very difficult to keep calm but your DH is an adult so should be able to control his emotions.

The problem isn't that people disagree with the OP, the problem is that people are bloody awful while doing it. When someone asks for advice - it isn't an invitation to tell them how useless you think they are. Who gets off on that? Who is so up their own arse that they think their way is the only right way and anyone who defers from that is an idiot? I don't know anyone that self absorbed and arrogant in real life.

And the silly little laughing face? What's all that about? Do you think I'm going to get upset because you think I'm funny? I'm not.

Anyone who wants to consider using mumsnet for advice should think again.

CrunchingLeaf Agree with everything you say.

Then DH needs to learn how to parent her. But how will that ever happen if he’s not in a position to do so?

It’s also a massive drip feed from the original “he won’t let me work those hours” rhetoric.

My third DC is selectively mute. Before the diagnosis it was hugely challenging and we would both be frustrated with her and the resulting meltdowns. We’ve both been driven to anger before because of the stress. We since learnt how to parent her effectively - both of us. If only ever one of us stepped up, it would be terrible. We both needed to learn how to parent her. That’s what needs to happen with OP and her DH.

@RandomPerson42

yeah but they don’t have to live like that if they use some of the free childcare hours and op works
no one would choose to live like that if they had the choice

@ChristmasJoysuckers

“But we are very well versed in sourcing what we need for free, yellow label food stickers, charity shops...car boots. Both are physically low maintenance, cut out own hair and so on.
Reduced everything or money off.

We also take students in a few times a year when we can.”

If you want to live like that, that’s fine
but lots of people wouldn’t, lots wouldn’t want to cut their own hair for example
and it doesn’t make them selfish or worse parents

They are falling behind because her DH is spending money on needless crap and taking unpaid days off for no reason.

Most of us don’t “want” to work. Most of us “have” to work. Sounds like you do too.

The problem is that people saw 'SAHM' and barely bothered to read the rest of the post.

@RandomPerson42

just cos it’s not money on bills or food or other essentials doesn’t mean it’s needless crap! If you only spent money on essentials and no treats for yourself you’d get fed up pretty soon. If there was no choice in that then fine but they could have a better standard of living if op worked a bit

Yup.

And need applause for the tiniesy bit of parenting, which they are doing "to help you" ...

Where has OP said that he wastes money on useless crap? Nowhere, you're making shit up.

Meanwhile it's OP who choose to prioritise clubs/activities/days out for DD instead of paying the bills. Those are not essentials, those are also whims.

Presumably he takes days off for his mental health. You know, like human beings do instead of being work robots.

How hypocritical can you be to shame the husband for taking the odd day off, when OP has taken 4 YEARS off?