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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for my money back?

250 replies

CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 08:48

I lent my sister’s partner £500 for an engagement ring so it would go undetected (joint bank account) which he said he’d pay back after he popped the question.

that was a month ago and he hasn’t mentioned repayment once since they’ve been engaged. Truthfully, I’m not desperate for the money and i know Christmas is around the corner and things are tight for them. However I would like it back soon and was hoping he would be more proactive in trying to repay me.

I was happy to help but I feel I didn’t set clear enough boundaries as I was excited for my sister and I also assumed he would want to pay me back as soon as possible, and that assumption was wrong. I know if I owed someone a large amount of money I would at least want to explain when/how I will pay that person back.

AIBU asking for the money back? And how do I go about asking for it back without making this awkward? Or should I wait until after Christmas?

OP posts:
Original poster
CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 19:22

Oh my god. Can’t believe I’m actually writing this… he’s just text to say he’s not coming tonight as something’s come up, can he drop it at the weekend.

Im actually very annoyed now. My CF detector is clearly broken, some of you predicted this would happen. I’m so disappointed in him. And maybe before I though he might just be scatty but he’s showing zero urgency now. Wtf.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 08/12/2022 19:27

Just text back and say "No. I need the money now. Here's my bank details. Transfer it over immediately please, or I'll ask my sister to do so out of your joint account."

Hoppinggreen · 08/12/2022 19:27

CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 19:22

Oh my god. Can’t believe I’m actually writing this… he’s just text to say he’s not coming tonight as something’s come up, can he drop it at the weekend.

Im actually very annoyed now. My CF detector is clearly broken, some of you predicted this would happen. I’m so disappointed in him. And maybe before I though he might just be scatty but he’s showing zero urgency now. Wtf.

You bought your sisters engagement ring
Hes an absolute Dick

Aprilx · 08/12/2022 19:35

CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 19:22

Oh my god. Can’t believe I’m actually writing this… he’s just text to say he’s not coming tonight as something’s come up, can he drop it at the weekend.

Im actually very annoyed now. My CF detector is clearly broken, some of you predicted this would happen. I’m so disappointed in him. And maybe before I though he might just be scatty but he’s showing zero urgency now. Wtf.

I am honestly not that surprised. I would have said tell your sister, but she has already had children with this waste of space so It feels too late anyway. I think I would still tell her and if I were her I would want to know.

Ringading123 · 08/12/2022 19:40

Say no you need to transfer now, I helped you when you needed it and I need the money for Xmas. Either transfer or I'll pop round to yours and get.

Original poster
CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 19:48

I’m still massively in shock. I know this might be an obvious CF from an outsider viewpoint but I’ve known him years and thought highly of him, and NEVER would have expected this from him. I’m not responding tonight as I don’t trust what I’d say, and despite everything I do want to keep the relationship as positive as possible for everyone’s sake. But he’s really gone down in my estimation, I’m hoping there is another explanation other than being a CF because I will be saying something to my sister otherwise.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/12/2022 20:00

He’s just text to say he’s not coming tonight as something’s come up, can he drop it at the weekend

Of course he has - and at the weekend there may well be another excuse, then another and another

Personally I liked the PP's suggestion to tell him to transfer the money now or you'll ask your sister to do it

1dontunderstand · 08/12/2022 20:05

Did you say that the weekend is okay?

billy1966 · 08/12/2022 20:09

OP, whatever you decide, do not protect your sister from the truth.

He has borrowed money that he is trying to avoid repaying.

He hopes to embarrass you into silence.

Really low.

Tell your parents for sure.

Your sister is living with a very false view of him coming into Christmas.

She deserves to know the truth.

Coffeetree · 08/12/2022 20:10

Yikes, gloves are off now.

Text back and say sorry no, you need it tonight and if he can't come then you'll ask your sister to transfer from their account.

Sprouttreesareamazing · 08/12/2022 20:16

Your dsis needs to be told before she is planning an expensive wedding that he won't be coughing up for.. Bet he expects his ils to pay.

Whyareblokesonhere · 08/12/2022 20:26

Sorry to ask but does he stand to gain from being married? I.e. yours sisters deposit, house in your sister name only at the moment??

Lovageandrose · 08/12/2022 20:28

Was £500 the total cost of the ring and he’s contributed nothing? He sounds like a deadbeat. Hate to say it but I doubt your going to see this money again

herbaltea21 · 08/12/2022 20:31

I think they best way to deal with this is sensitivity. You don't have to go in all guns blazing. Just send a message and say "hi *, sorry to subs to ask but I just wondered when you might be able to pay the money back for the ring?" And see what he says. If he doesn't reply or is cagey about it then that's the time to put your foot down!
Hope you're ok. I HATE situations like this!!

Willowswood · 08/12/2022 20:31

CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 19:22

Oh my god. Can’t believe I’m actually writing this… he’s just text to say he’s not coming tonight as something’s come up, can he drop it at the weekend.

Im actually very annoyed now. My CF detector is clearly broken, some of you predicted this would happen. I’m so disappointed in him. And maybe before I though he might just be scatty but he’s showing zero urgency now. Wtf.

You should have replied saying sorry but no, he needs to drop the money to you tonight, as you need it.

MinnieGirl · 08/12/2022 20:37

MadMadMadamMim · 08/12/2022 19:27

Just text back and say "No. I need the money now. Here's my bank details. Transfer it over immediately please, or I'll ask my sister to do so out of your joint account."

This.
Make it quite clear that if the whole amount isn’t with you within an hour you are talking to your sister….

Although to be honest, I would tell her anyway. Maybe not now, as long and you get the money, but she needs to know that he tried to scam you.

Starseeking · 08/12/2022 20:44

You need to tell him to send you the whole lot now, not in dribs and drabs, otherwise you'll be asking your sister to transfer it from the joint account.

Peashoots · 08/12/2022 21:16

Yep, he’s taking the piss isn’t he. I’d be telling him I wanted full payment now or he’ll your sister. I know you didn’t want to spoil her engagement, but you aren’t spoiling it, op- he is.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 08/12/2022 21:20

"No I'm not willing to wait till the weekend. I want full payment tomorrow, here are my bank details. I lent you the money in good faith you'd repay me back after you purposed, if you couldn't afford the £500 you should of been honest."

ButterCrackers · 08/12/2022 21:24

He pays you back right away no excuses or you sell the ring and get your cash back. Has he told your sister that you paid 500 for the ring? He sounds like he’s not to be trusted. I’d say to tell her so that she’s warned he borrows off of others to finance more than he can afford.

rosemarysalter · 08/12/2022 21:35

Why does he need to come round? Surely you dont want it in cash!!'

FinallyHere · 08/12/2022 21:44

Is your question really "AIBU for asking for the £500 I lent my sister's fiancé so he could buy a ring without it showing up on his bank account, not that he has popped the question and there can be no purpose to secrecy anymore"

Just ask him. Say you noticed it's not back in your account so please would he do the transfer now.

Why would you not? The longer you leave it, the more awkward it gets. Assume it's just an oversight and ask him.

XanaduKira · 08/12/2022 22:01

Lovageandrose · 08/12/2022 20:28

Was £500 the total cost of the ring and he’s contributed nothing? He sounds like a deadbeat. Hate to say it but I doubt your going to see this money again

Sadly I think this is true, unless your sister pays you back. This is rotten. No good deed goes unpunished Sad

Mamma2017 · 08/12/2022 22:02

Sorry OP but it was clear as crystal to me he wasn’t going to come round with the money. CF is a very polite term. Iv seen this type many times, he’s manipulating you and your good nature. To the previous posters saying things like “ooh he’s going to be in the family, don’t make it awkward” and “ don’t spoil things” HE and only he has made it awkward and embarrassing. I’m blown away by your naivety! this is EXACTLY what this individual is using against OP- he KNOWS she’d HATE to bring this up as it’d make her feel so awkward and she wouldn’t want to “ruin things” or feel embarrassed. He’s ask her specifically as he knows this about her kind and unassuming personality OP don’t shoulder the embarrassment and awkwardness that HE should be feeling and don’t be manipulated any further. I’m afraid it will be as it has been from the start- he has ZERO intention of raising this and no intention of paying you this back- his actions so far have told u this. He will continue to pull the wool and gaslight and fob you off with things like “I’ll pay you when…” and “Iv just got to sort an issue first” and “I wasn’t paid properly this month” and “something expensive came up promise I’ll pay you this date” and so on. He doesn’t think in a million years you’ll tell your sister so I’d immediately tell him you are going to tell her. And don’t be surprised if he turns nasty on you when you do and lies to your sister that you’re the bad guy here as you’ve “ruined the engagement magic” or some crap like that. Sorry OP, you’re a good person but Iv seen this a trillion, million times. Be firm, you can still be polite but assertive say I need it for my Christmas shopping please bring it all tomorrow or I’ll have to ask sis for it back. Then tell your sister if u don’t get it on that day. Put a stop to this. She deserves to know this important truth about his character. Keep us posted x

butterfliedtwo · 08/12/2022 22:05

Whyareblokesonhere · 08/12/2022 20:26

Sorry to ask but does he stand to gain from being married? I.e. yours sisters deposit, house in your sister name only at the moment??

That's a good question.

This doesn't bode well. What a shitty situation.

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