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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for my money back?

250 replies

CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 08:48

I lent my sister’s partner £500 for an engagement ring so it would go undetected (joint bank account) which he said he’d pay back after he popped the question.

that was a month ago and he hasn’t mentioned repayment once since they’ve been engaged. Truthfully, I’m not desperate for the money and i know Christmas is around the corner and things are tight for them. However I would like it back soon and was hoping he would be more proactive in trying to repay me.

I was happy to help but I feel I didn’t set clear enough boundaries as I was excited for my sister and I also assumed he would want to pay me back as soon as possible, and that assumption was wrong. I know if I owed someone a large amount of money I would at least want to explain when/how I will pay that person back.

AIBU asking for the money back? And how do I go about asking for it back without making this awkward? Or should I wait until after Christmas?

OP posts:
Ledwood85 · 08/12/2022 14:14

So it wasn't about the element of surprise, it was about the cashflow. Avoiding the payback makes sense now.

Good luck getting your £200 back, OP.

Sounds like your sister picked a winner there.

windmill26 · 08/12/2022 14:18

If work is slow surely the engagement could have been postponed considering that they already live together and they have kids? Personally I wouldn't have wanted my partner to ask the family for a loan for a ring. Saying that both my husband and I don't like debts or loans (especially from family!) we would be very uncomfortable and we would make sure to pay it back asap. Hopefully the second instalment will be in January as he said ...without you having to prompt him again.

cassiatwenty · 08/12/2022 14:22

Hey, I am just looking out for you -- I heard cyber crime happening at HSBC, so I want to make sure you got my account number all sorted for that engagement ring

(sorry i tried @🤔)

magma32 · 08/12/2022 14:23

Ok so he didn’t have the money. Personally I would find that really off putting, it’s a character flaw to me but everyone is different. I can understand loans and borrowing for many reasons but for an engagement ring no, he could’ve waited. I also wonder why he asked you and not a friend or family member. It’s like he’s taken advantage of the fact you’re her sister so you’d comply. I’d watch out for him OP wonder what his money management is like generally.

ILOVECHEESE79 · 08/12/2022 14:25

Contact him immediately with a repayment plan and your bank details.

DuchessDandelion · 08/12/2022 14:26

Yes he's been a CF but he's going to your BIL, don't create drama unnecessarily.

You've learned something about him that's good to know. Once he's paid you back, move on.

Willowswood · 08/12/2022 14:37

Ledwood85 · 08/12/2022 14:14

So it wasn't about the element of surprise, it was about the cashflow. Avoiding the payback makes sense now.

Good luck getting your £200 back, OP.

Sounds like your sister picked a winner there.

£200? It was £500!!

girlmom21 · 08/12/2022 14:41

@Willowswood and he's giving her £300 today

Willowswood · 08/12/2022 14:41

pairofrollerskates · 08/12/2022 10:57

Tell him not to worry about paying you back until after Christmas, so just to wait until his January wage is paid in.

He doesn't get a monthly 'wage', he's self employed.

LimeTwists · 08/12/2022 14:48

The agreement was that he’d borrow money purely so it wasn’t detectable by your sister. It’s perfectly assumable that he’d repay straight away. He’s now changed the agreement - without asking you - to a loan repayable when he decides he wants to repay it, which you’ve had to chase him for. This is the height of bad manners. You do need to call him out on this and say ‘you didn’t ask if I’d be able to manage without this money over Christmas. You’ve assumed it can be repaid when it suits you but that’s not what we agreed. Can you pay the full amount back - it was only meant to be a very quick loan.’

humblesims · 08/12/2022 14:56

He's going to drop the cash round tonight, should I say something
Yes, you say "congratulations. Thanks for the £300 and I'm going the need the remainder by (whenever - mid Jan?) as I have bills to pay"
And mean it. No apologies for asking etc etc. It's your money OP

longtompot · 08/12/2022 15:01

I'm glad you've got some coming back, but I was going to say he is the one who should be embarrassed and not you. I wonder if he has bottomed money from other family members and not paid it back?

MandyMotherOfBrian · 08/12/2022 15:07

I would be giving your parents a heads up so they do not get stung

Definitely, even if you don’t want your sister to know, do tell your parents for their sake.

MandyMotherOfBrian · 08/12/2022 15:11

Also, you mention in your OP that you’re ‘not desperate’ for the money. I’m betting, especially given his attitude to repayment and the casual way he’s decided not giving it all back in one go, that he knows this and has inured a sense of entitlement to your money as he feels you’ve got more money than him and so why shouldn’t he have it. I’ve unfortunately lent money to someone like this before. Never got back the money.

Remagirl · 08/12/2022 15:21

He sounds cheap. Not someone I'd want to be engaged to. Your sister is going to be so embarrassed if this comes out 🙁

Coffeetree · 08/12/2022 15:24

humblesims · 08/12/2022 14:56

He's going to drop the cash round tonight, should I say something
Yes, you say "congratulations. Thanks for the £300 and I'm going the need the remainder by (whenever - mid Jan?) as I have bills to pay"
And mean it. No apologies for asking etc etc. It's your money OP

Yes except don't say "remainder", say '£200'.

thenewduchessoflapland · 08/12/2022 15:28

Can he actually afford to give it back in one go?;could it actually have been a ruse because he couldn't afford it?

I reckon hell A.Ignore you B.Ask if he can pay after Christmas C.Ask to it back in instalments

thenewduchessoflapland · 08/12/2022 15:33

thenewduchessoflapland · 08/12/2022 15:28

Can he actually afford to give it back in one go?;could it actually have been a ruse because he couldn't afford it?

I reckon hell A.Ignore you B.Ask if he can pay after Christmas C.Ask to it back in instalments

I've just seen your update;the CF is only paying you back 60% of the money right now but expects you to wait until after Christmas for the rest?

So if he had to pay for the ring it looks like your sister would have got a much cheaper one.

It begs the question;if they can't really afford £500 for a ring how are they going to afford a wedding?

pinkyredrose · 08/12/2022 15:33

Tell him you've gone thru your finances and you'll need the whole £500 back as was previously agreed.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 08/12/2022 16:46

I really hope he sticks to his word
Anyone else would wait to propose when they can afford a ring.
Surely your sister will notice the money going out of the account to pay you anyway!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 08/12/2022 16:50

Hope he does turn up with the cash tonight

Gemcat1 · 08/12/2022 16:53

This is the problem in helping people who are close to you, the difficulty in mentioning money. If you are going to be family then you don't want resentment between you. Just say that you are delighted that he is joining the family and how happy he has made your family. Then ask if he has decided how he is going to repay you. If you are happy to take repayments then tell him. If you are happy to wait until after Xmas then please say.

BonnesVacances · 08/12/2022 17:02

Gosh! What if you needed all of it before Christmas yourself?

SirGawain · 08/12/2022 17:17

CanStopWillStop · 08/12/2022 09:04

My sis doesn’t know, and I’d like to keep it that way tbh as I don’t want to spoil the magic of it all or taint things. If she found out I’d have the money back today, but she would be fuming that he borrowed it and didn’t pay it back. She’s a very proud person. But this scenario is making me question his character tbh. If he’s struggling I’d understand and happily give him time to pay back but it’s like he’s completely forgotten? Never mentioned the money since.

Not your problem if he's struggling. If he can't afford it he should not be buying £500 engagement rings with someone else's money.

Cakeorchocolate · 08/12/2022 17:24

I would have just done a casual message

"Oh I realised I didn't give you my bank details to pay the money back for the engagement ring.

Account details.

Please let me know when you've done it so I can confirm I've received it. Thanks."

Then no excuse for not doing it and not doing it all at once. Therefore no awkwardly waiting or asking for the rest.

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