Fiancé comes to bed at 2.30am...

[AandEDoc]

I really need to find out if I'm being unreasonable. I'm assuming/hoping everyone has seen how horrific A&E departments are at the moment. I'm one of the A&E doctors who goes in and has to deal with what looks like a warzone and the psychology impact of just not being able to help people like we want to.
My fiancé came to bed at 02.35 last night and woke me up (I'm a light sleeper and he let our dog jump on me on the bed). I'd been asleep since 11pm, I had to wake up at 6am for my shift today. He came to bed so late because he was up playing computer games. He's 36 and works from home in IT and gets up around 9.30. I was incandescent with rage and couldn't get back to sleep.
We had this issue during Covid before he moved in. I ended up going home sick a few times because he'd come to bed late and I'd end up with less than two hours sleep.
We talked through it then but I still ended up medicating on Zopiclone to sleep more deeply.
I now have huge anxiety about not getting enough sleep and going into bed tired and making a mistake at work.
I'm now self-medicating with alcohol to get to sleep at night to get over this anxiety and I know it's not a solution and I hate it. I'm picking up more Zopiclone soon to try and break this cycle.
I've asked him to come to bed earlier or sleep upstairs but I know he's going to be defensive and say that it was the dog jumping on me, not him who woke me up.
Sorry this is so long... I'm tired.

*psychological impact. Sorry.

You need separate rooms, or even better, separate homes.
This isn’t going to get better.

Separate rooms for when he's not coming to bed at the same time as you! It's damaging your health.

This would drive me mad. He is so inconsiderate...that's the real problem here

I agree with PP that you need separate sleeping arrangements!

You aren't being unreasonable to be annoyed at being woken up (but reading your post it seems there's lots of anxiety built up which would make me more annoyed too!) but also if he wants to be up until 2.30am because he starts work later that's not unreasonable either. You just need an agreement that he either sleeps on the sofa when he does that and keeps the dog downstairs, or he goes to a spare room with the dog etc.

I felt instantly angry on your behalf reading this.

If course he should understand that your sleep needs prioritising and if you’ve got 2 bedrooms he can stay out of yours on work nights to do this.

As for saying it was the dog’s fault- what a childish thing to say.

This.

You are not being unreasonable.
Hes behaving like an unintelligent inconsiderate, selfish knob.
Id hate to have a Dr attending to me who has your issues to deal with. It’s scary that you are self medicating. That sounds like a very slippery slope.
It seems drastic to suggest leaving him but in the long term how is his selfishness going to pan out in other aspects of your coupling, babies etc?
You have some serious thinking to do & need some serious conversations with him. Is there another room & bed for him if he comes to bed that late?
I really feel for you. I’d hate it, shift(s) or no shifts. God love us, right now the world needs doctors; doctors on the ball, not dopey ones suffering from sleep deprivation.
You are defo not being unreasonable and thank you for everything you do when you are on shift. ❤️

I echo separate rooms. Neither of you are unreasonable ,you can't ask him to have a bedtime just so you don't get woken up. But equally, you shouldn't have to worry about being woken up.

You say you ask him to sleep upstairs, so there is another bed available? I'd plan that one if you sleep there the nights he's up later than you. That's what we do when I'm up at half 5 for work and my husband is on a later shift.

Gamers never change. This won't get better. I'd tell him if it doesn't stop he needs to move out. He is still acting like a child.

Yeah, separate rooms. You can't dictate another adult's bedtime, but he shouldn't wake you up.

If he’s that late he sleeps on the sofa.
of course you’ll wake him when you get up to, you know go to work, but hey, he can get back to sleep right?
he certainly expects you to be able to at 2.35am.

your rage, you directed it at him or were you silently seething?

It sounds like you are completely incompatible sleep wise. Seperate rooms or leave him.

Dogs should not be allowed upstairs.

I’m in the reverse of your situation - I’m working from home, my DH works as an airline pilot so often up at 4am and it’s not really a job you want to be going in to work really tired. We sleep in the same bed but I’ve perfected a get into bed without waking him up routine, more often than not I can sneak in without him stirring.

I think there’s two things 1) practical sleeping arrangements - can you have separate beds for when you’re on early shift? Or a king size bed would help if you don’t already have one. But the bigger issue is 2) he doesn’t understand or respect your need for sleep. It’s obvious that you’re in a stressful and highly responsible role, plus you’ve struggled with sleep in the past. He seems really inconsiderate and lacking in understanding and empathy. I wouldn’t ever crash into bed and allow the dog to jump on my partner, even if they didn’t have to get up early to do a really pressurised job!

I think you’re not compatible tbh. He’s not being unreasonable as such but his lifestyle is totally impacting on yours in a negative way. You sound very driven and conscientious and he…. doesn’t.

I would just draw a line and move on.

he doesn’t understand or respect your need for sleep

I think this is the case for most good sleepers. No empathy for light sleepers.

He is definitely being unreasonable and that’s not fair to you.

but I’m a bit concerned for you anyway… if you’re using zopiclone +/- alcohol to get to sleep and you’re struggling with anxiety it sounds like you might be not very well at the moment from a psychological perspective - not surprising because as you say A+E is a horrific war zone liable to burn anyone out and if you can’t sleep that’s even worse - but you do need to look after yourself. Think about whether you need some time off sick and maybe consider contacting your GP or practitioner health to discuss further.

Some Gamers, I think you mean. My DH has a PS5 and enjoys gaming as part of a balanced array of interests & social activities.

He often plays a couple of hours after I've gone to bed (he only plays when I'm out, in bed or occupied doing something else), the difference is if I said 'I've got a busy day tomorrow and an early start, please don't disturb me' then he'd sleep on the couch.

Neither OP nor her partner are unreasonable in having different bedtimes (would you feel differently if she'd said he was reading, or watching BBC4 documentaries until 2am?) but her partner is being unreasonable in not accommodating her need to sleep undisturbed, over his want to share the bed.

I had one of those. He's an ex now.

Dont ruin your health because of his selfishness.

If he refuses to come to bed at a reasonable hour, he and the dog can sleep in another room.

This is what I'd tell him and then lock your door.

@Virginiaplain I’m the person that would sleep anywhere and goes to sleep in a few seconds. My DH struggles a lot more - partly because of shift work - but it’s not much for me to try and be considerate, keep quiet if I’m up later than him and try not to wake him up. Sleep is so important - it’s horrible when you don’t sleep enough!

My husband works shift work and sometimes gets in from work at 3am. Couple that with him being a terrible snorer at times and it leaves me exhausted.

I spoke to him about it and now he goes in to the spare bedroom and we both get a good nights sleep.

If a spare bedroom is an option for you that’s great but I think the bigger issue is the fact that he is not understanding of your actual needs. He sounds extremely selfish OP.

What a selfish arse. He’s be sleeping on the sofa or preferably in his own house if he did that to me.

You are better off before he moved in. Time for him to move out again. There is nothing worse than not being able to sleep and worried about coping at work the next day.

Not really the issue here.

OP, is there the option of separate bedrooms? The fact he’s done this more than once or twice is worrying: he’s not listening to you. And not noticing his fiancé is in such a bad way you’re self-medicating with booze and needing tablets to sleep. What’s he like aside from this issue? Impossible to know based on this snapshot but is he generally caring, attentive, generous? Or is the bigger picture just like the sleep: selfish, self-absorbed, deflects and minimises?