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Original poster

Fiancé comes to bed at 2.30am...

157 replies

AandEDoc · 08/12/2022 07:41

I really need to find out if I'm being unreasonable. I'm assuming/hoping everyone has seen how horrific A&E departments are at the moment. I'm one of the A&E doctors who goes in and has to deal with what looks like a warzone and the psychology impact of just not being able to help people like we want to.
My fiancé came to bed at 02.35 last night and woke me up (I'm a light sleeper and he let our dog jump on me on the bed). I'd been asleep since 11pm, I had to wake up at 6am for my shift today. He came to bed so late because he was up playing computer games. He's 36 and works from home in IT and gets up around 9.30. I was incandescent with rage and couldn't get back to sleep.
We had this issue during Covid before he moved in. I ended up going home sick a few times because he'd come to bed late and I'd end up with less than two hours sleep.
We talked through it then but I still ended up medicating on Zopiclone to sleep more deeply.
I now have huge anxiety about not getting enough sleep and going into bed tired and making a mistake at work.
I'm now self-medicating with alcohol to get to sleep at night to get over this anxiety and I know it's not a solution and I hate it. I'm picking up more Zopiclone soon to try and break this cycle.
I've asked him to come to bed earlier or sleep upstairs but I know he's going to be defensive and say that it was the dog jumping on me, not him who woke me up.
Sorry this is so long... I'm tired.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 09/12/2022 05:38

OMG I don't know what happened to the rest of my post??!!!

Long story short: don't have children with this man...

Flamingflames · 09/12/2022 05:45

your partner is an arse. you need to speak to him and tell him how bad you feel and it sounds like you need mental health support to. Look after yourself. You do such an amazing job of looking after others but you must prioritise yourself right now. 💐

Zuve · 09/12/2022 05:48

I feel for you

HerkyBaby · 09/12/2022 05:53

OP Al Doctors are quite rightfully precious about sleep.
Your fiancé is making you ill and you are having to medicate because of it. What would you be telling a patient?
His gaming addiction is more important than you and your needs.
please don’t waste any more of your valuable time dealing with him- he’s not worth putting your career on the line for and that’s precisely what you are doing by drinking and taking Zopiclone.

HoppingPavlova · 09/12/2022 06:04

I’m quite confused actually. Was a veteran of A&E for decades and given your description that you are basically incompatible with lack of sleep, I can’t understand how you even got through initial training? That’s got nothing to do with a partner waking you up, it’s just the training role. I generally didn’t get as much sleep as you need at the end before I jumped (‘old age’ being incompatible with this line of work), it certainly can’t be an issue for the first few decades! I know registrars these days expect the world but it seems like you are very much lacking in expectation/reality in this area.

Also, show me an A&E consultant who doesn’t self-medicate with alcohol and I’ll show you a unicorn😂. The trick is staying just on the right side of the line though. If you can’t manage that you need to leave.

EmmaAgain22 · 09/12/2022 06:14

OP he sounds really inconsiderate, I wouldn't be able to live with that.

sidebar - as an insomniac, I'd love some Zopiclone but GPs don't seem to give it anymore.

katepilar · 09/12/2022 06:34

I know that feeling. Its very overwhelming. He is being an idiot in my view.

iloveeverykindofcat · 09/12/2022 06:38

GPs don't seem to give it anymore.

It's dangerous as hell for some people. I know someone who got seriously addicted and was definitely impaired, even though they couldn't see it themselves. No judgement to the OP I know you're doing your best, but if I knew my doctor was on Zopliclone, I'd be nervous.

rwalker · 09/12/2022 06:49

What both of you do is irrelevant it’s about respecting each other’s sleep patterns

Your up early so go to bed early he’s up late so goes to bed late nether of you are being unreasonable
you are being unreasonable trying to dictate he comes to bed early to suit you that isn’t a suitable solution to the problem
you need to sleep separately that’s the only solution fair on both of you
personally I think it’s beyond grim having the dog in there with it’s bare hoop on your bedding . That aside the dog needs to be downstairs it’s not going to understand your up at 6 and needs to be quiet.

olympicsrock · 09/12/2022 06:50

I’m a doctor who doesn’t sleep well too. DH and I have an unwritten rule that if you come to bed late or want to get up early and might disturb the other then you sleep in the spare room. Works for us.
Why are you with an inconsiderate manchild?
Sorry that you mental health is suffering at the moment

cherriegarcia · 09/12/2022 06:52

Very sorry to hear that an A&E doctor is self medicating with alcohol :(

Have you tried earplugs, OP? Some people can't sleep in them but I find them brilliant when my partner is restless or has to get up early/ come to bed late.

I think also though your mindset toward this isn't helping you. When my partner comes in late, it sometimes disturbs me, but I get back to sleep.

You sound very irritable with your partner and I think that irritation is contributing to you not getting back to sleep, as well as just being disturbed. So I'm wondering how's your relationship generally because it sounds like it might all be a bit tense and difficult to relax, especially with the added pressure of working in A&E. Perhaps this lifestyle isn't working out and you need to look at what might be changed to reduce the pressure?

bumpytrumpy · 09/12/2022 06:53

iloveeverykindofcat · 09/12/2022 06:38

GPs don't seem to give it anymore.

It's dangerous as hell for some people. I know someone who got seriously addicted and was definitely impaired, even though they couldn't see it themselves. No judgement to the OP I know you're doing your best, but if I knew my doctor was on Zopliclone, I'd be nervous.

Most of your doctors are on this, alcohol crutch , or worse

cantley · 09/12/2022 06:56
  1. Separate rooms, permanently. You can't make a night owl go to bed early.
  2. I'd be thinking hard about how this is going to work for you long term, especially if you want a family.
ChrisTrepidation · 09/12/2022 06:59

Honestly? I'd end the relationship over this.

He's a grown man in his 30s who comes to bed insanely late because he's been up playing video games. WTF?

He doesn't care about you getting enough rest to be able to do your exceptionally demanding and important job safely. This won't get better. If you have a child he'll still come to bed at stupid o'clock clock and the resentment will kill you. I know because I've been there with my ex husband.

Leave him and find a man who actually likes to keep the sleeping routine of an adult not a 16 year old.

Jennybeans401 · 09/12/2022 06:59

My ex was like this, it wasn't just the gaming because his selfishness extended to everything. I also found out he was on porn at night too, he'd come to bed and wake me up with freezing cold hands on my stomach so I couldn't go back to sleep.

Bestcatmum · 09/12/2022 06:59

Please don't marry a man who stays up all night playing computer games especially at his age. He won't take any responsibility or be a good father. It's an obsession.

Jennybeans401 · 09/12/2022 07:00

@ChrisTrepidation yes, I think it smacks of immaturity when grown men are gaming addicts!

ChrisTrepidation · 09/12/2022 07:01

@cantley It would work with op going to bed early in her room with the baby while her partner gets loads of hours to himself that she never gets.

Then she'll rightly end up even angrier and more burnt out at the unfairness of it.

ChrisTrepidation · 09/12/2022 07:04

@Jennybeans401 I immediately next any man who is into gaming now. Unless its the most casual of interests then I wont even go there!

My ex would be on his ps5 the second the door shut behind me and our baby. It made me feel like he had just been waiting all evening for us to go away so he could get down to his gaming. I'll never forget how small he made me feel.

iloveeverykindofcat · 09/12/2022 07:04

@bumpytrumpy I hope not. Perhaps I'm too naive.

ChrisTrepidation · 09/12/2022 07:05

@Bestcatmum THIS!!! The gaming always comes first and they think you're unreasonable for objecting.

Thedoglovesmemore · 09/12/2022 07:07

He was selfish and should sleep in a spare room if you have one.

but that aside you need to refer yourself tk practitioner help NOW. Medicating with Z drugs and/of alcohol is potentially very dangerous for you and your patients. If you did make an error and this was to come out that you were working whilst unwell it would not count in your favour.
see you GP and get some proper sick leave and refer yourself urgently for support.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 09/12/2022 07:45

I’d think this is part and parcel of sharing a bed with somebody who follows a different sleep and work routine to you. If you’re getting up at 6am presumably this disturbs him even though he doesn’t need to get up til later. He’s not being unreasonable to go to bed at the time which suits him and his work schedule any more than you are unreasonable to get up at the early time which suits you. It is not his fault you’re a light sleeper, if anything that’s your fault for self-medicating with alcohol and taking sleeping tablets which reduce sleep quality. Rather than blaming him for your inability to sleep you need to sort the real problem which is your dependance on alcohol, it can’t be easy for him to be engaged to an alcoholic which is what it sounds like you are.

In the meantime whilst you work on your alcohol dependency it sounds like separate bedrooms/ taking it in turns to sleep elsewhere would be the obvious solution. If he won’t sleep upstairs maybe you can, which I think is reasonable considering you are the one drinking alcohol before bed and therefore taking something which will negatively impact your sleep.

OwwwMuuuum · 09/12/2022 07:48

Why don’t you sleep upstairs/in a separate room with earplugs? You can help yourself, you know. The world doesn’t owe you a favour just because you have a worthy job.

MimosasInFrance · 09/12/2022 07:54

Hi OP, a friend of mine had CBT for insomnia recently and found it to be extremely effective. It's worth looking into a longer term solution as I'm sure you know Zopiclone can cause dependency (fellow insomnia and occasional Zopiclone user here, I know how distressing it can be). Hope you find something that works for you.