Fiancé comes to bed at 2.30am...

[AandEDoc]

I really need to find out if I'm being unreasonable. I'm assuming/hoping everyone has seen how horrific A&E departments are at the moment. I'm one of the A&E doctors who goes in and has to deal with what looks like a warzone and the psychology impact of just not being able to help people like we want to.
My fiancé came to bed at 02.35 last night and woke me up (I'm a light sleeper and he let our dog jump on me on the bed). I'd been asleep since 11pm, I had to wake up at 6am for my shift today. He came to bed so late because he was up playing computer games. He's 36 and works from home in IT and gets up around 9.30. I was incandescent with rage and couldn't get back to sleep.
We had this issue during Covid before he moved in. I ended up going home sick a few times because he'd come to bed late and I'd end up with less than two hours sleep.
We talked through it then but I still ended up medicating on Zopiclone to sleep more deeply.
I now have huge anxiety about not getting enough sleep and going into bed tired and making a mistake at work.
I'm now self-medicating with alcohol to get to sleep at night to get over this anxiety and I know it's not a solution and I hate it. I'm picking up more Zopiclone soon to try and break this cycle.
I've asked him to come to bed earlier or sleep upstairs but I know he's going to be defensive and say that it was the dog jumping on me, not him who woke me up.
Sorry this is so long... I'm tired.

Agree that YANBU.
I would recommend Nytol instead of Zopiclone. It's just an antihistaminic which makes you drowsy. It means if you are awaken you feel so out of it you go straight back to sleep.
No dependancy and safe. I use it on and off when I go through bad patches of sleep.

@KettrickenSmiled
Funny how OP's drinking doesn't affect her partner one jot then innit.

I didn’t say anything about the impact if one behaviour on the others partner. What I said was His gaming and your drinking sound equally problematic. they both have poor coping mechanisms and needing to game or drink to relax enough to sleep isn’t great.

Exactly - but you omitted to quote the part where I pointed out that OP is taking responsibility for her problem, whereas her partner is refusing to address his, & is actively visiting its consequences on her.

Also - OP's coping mechanism has been 1 drink a night - so it's a potential problem, an indicator that she needs to find another solution in case alcohol tolerance does its usual thing & tips her into large-unit dependency.
She's doing just that - so I wouldn't call it an equivalent problem to being deliberately woken up every night.

^agree. You need sleep. I'd have been angry too. My partner also cannot make a mistake because it could quite simply kill someone. Your partner needs to be more considerate. If can't respect your basic needs, I'd consider a future without him.

Good grief ! you are a hospital Doctor FFS! Whats he like ? There should not even be a discussion.He is being very unreasonable indeed .Tell him you need separate rooms when working .Maybe rethink this RL if he is neagative about it .You need your sleep as a busy Doctor helping people

Exactly - but you omitted to quote the part where I pointed out that OP is taking responsibility for her problem, whereas her partner is refusing to address his, & is actively visiting its consequences on her I didn’t omit anything your post is there to be seen, I quoted the part of it I was addressing. You have absolutely no idea what the partner is doing beyond gaming too late for OP to get a good nights sleep. It’s incredibly common for software designers to game to switch off from work. It’s also incredibly common for Drs to turn to alcohol or worse to switch off from theirs. I would imagine limiting both behaviours and replacing them with better sleep routines and activities that allow them to unwind in less problematic ways would be a great idea. There doesn’t have to be a “good” guy and a “bad” guy there could just be two people who are struggling to find a good way.

There doesn’t have to be a “good” guy and a “bad” guy there could just be two people who are struggling to find a good way.

OK

So is someone who has known for over 3 years that his 2.30am noisy getting in to bed routine wakes his insomniac partner, but keeps doing it anyway despite having somewhere else to sleep, as frequently requested by his partner, a "good guy" or a "bad guy"?

No idea, I don’t know the guy but why can’t she sleep upstairs if she can’t cope with his schedule? Does he get woken up at crack of dawn every day? It’s nonsense they are adults with loads of ways of fixing this.

Alcohol disrupts sleep.

reduce caffeine (none after 12pm)
Try the two supplements in the photo and take Mg in the morning.

separate sleeping if you're up early.

OP, you are not being unreasonable - I’d be so angry! Is he considerate otherwise?

It’s not the same at all (I do NOT have to see and deal with all the terrible situations that you do) but I’m a nurse and do similar shifts - having to get up at 5am. I used to drink a glass of wine each night as a student so I would sleep as I was so worried I wouldn’t get to sleep, having never had a job before where I had to get up so early. But obviously I’d wake up feeling a bit crap because I’d had a glass of wine and was not fresh. I used to clock watch and try and work out how much sleep I’d get if “I go to sleep now…”

Since having kids and realising how little sleep I
can actually survive on I’ve stopped getting so hung up on that 🥴🙃

I know we offer this advice daily and it sounds very cliche and cheesy - but please try a good sleep hygiene routine. I did myself and it honestly works. Exercise on your days off (I walk loads and it really does help me sleep at night).

Things I’ve found that help me sleep are; guided relaxation techniques/medication (can find loads on Google or the app Balance is free for a year to all Samsung and iPhone users just now), a good bedtime routine (even just a camomile tea, do your skincare routine, reading a book), write down anything that’s bothering you to try and get it out your head. Try not to look at your phone.

Also, is it possible you could speak with someone about your anxiety? Either your GP or a counsellor? Healthcare professionals are often reluctant to speak to someone about anxiety as they feel they should be able to manage it themselves or “know” what to do.

Hope you work things out soon 🥰 x

My page keeps reloading so posted the helpful but first. He's being inconsiderate, and either he doesn’t understand the pressure you’re under or he doesn’t care. Drinking disrupts sleep massively, as does cortisol (stress) and caffeine (most nhs staff I know live on coffee).

Hopefully this incident will be the one where you take charge and look at practical solutions, instead of being passive. I know that’s hard when you have been feeling this way but you really do need to. If there’s no spare room, he can sleep downstairs and come up to bed when you go to work, for instance.

If he’s unwilling to change, you need to pop on your big girl pants and make some hard decisions.

Brilliant advice

I'm really concerned for you OP. I work in the health care sector and over the years have lost a few good friends (nurses and Doctors) who have suffered greatly with anxiety. Anxiety makes everything 100 times worse and if not treated properly leads to the unimaginable. I feel you need to seek help from occupational health. I really hope you are not self medicating, I know this is very common now with stress of working in this kind of areas. Get help please, it's not worth loosing your job or yourself to.

This and your subsequent posts reveal you to be an utter bellend. Male/female has no bearing on this matter or peoples response to it. A woman mindlessly waking up her male partner who was up early for work would also be handed her arse on a plate.

That poster is truly bitter and also very anti-semitic.

@AandEDoc I was the same, mixing alcohol and Zopiclone (drug of the gods!), drank for decades to “deal with” insomnia. Like you, it was worsened by my ex-husband staying up all night drinking and online gambling… that’s another story!

Anyway, have lived alone for a long time now but was still in the same stupid cycle, and have decided to sort myself out. I haven’t drunk for over 3 weeks. The first couple of weeks were a bit grim sleep-wise, but I seem to have turned a corner and now I’m dropping off quicker and sleep is so deep it’s like I’m dead! I haven’t slept like this in 30 years.

If I ever live with anyone again, it’ll be separate beds in separate rooms from the off and I don’t care if that sounds selfish and/or weird. My sanity, well-being and sobriety are more important. Yours should be a priority too, otherwise you’re setting yourself up for years of psychological and physical suffering.

Hope you can sort this out 🙂

Arghhhh!

Send him back to his mother where he belongs!

Obv not that simple but you have to lay down law and as a minimum insist he sleeps elsewhere.

In my own experience gamers are the most inconsiderate people on this planet. Those who like to do it through the night especially. I should know, I live with one.
It won't get any better unless you do something about it.

You need support at work as well as at home.
My hospital has a peer support network for junior doctors which is vital in the current times. Please investigate what help is available to you as the stress / shift patterns of the job won’t be helping your sleep pattern either

My DH does this but creeps to bed so I’ve no idea. However I don’t have to be up early & the dog stays downstairs! You need to talk to him, hope you find a resolution as he’s being an arse!

You’re a doctor, you don’t need Joe Public (or another doctor) to tell you that you shouldn’t be medicating yourself to sleep. Get rid of your disrespectful partner.

He's being inconsiderate but it sounds like you need to be signed off for a bit.

This guy is a selfish shitbag. I’m a student nurse on ED and I can’t imagine how I’d manage without proper sleep. Honestly what kind of total dweeb is gaming until 2.30 at age 36?? You can do better.

Insults only highlight your inability to make a coherent and compelling point.

And yes there would clearly be a difference on a female finished forum.

Supercilious cliches only highlight how disagreeable you are @BabyOnBoard90

Not sure how you are going to justify labelling@OhPeggySue's post as incoherent, when her writing is as clear as a lake & as plain as a pikestaff.

Making unsubstantiated claims in the passive voice doesn't lend them any more credibility, btw - HTH.

Also ... there would clearly be a difference on a female finished forum.
What does this even mean? What were you saying about being coherent again?
😂