Fiancé comes to bed at 2.30am...

[AandEDoc]

I really need to find out if I'm being unreasonable. I'm assuming/hoping everyone has seen how horrific A&E departments are at the moment. I'm one of the A&E doctors who goes in and has to deal with what looks like a warzone and the psychology impact of just not being able to help people like we want to.
My fiancé came to bed at 02.35 last night and woke me up (I'm a light sleeper and he let our dog jump on me on the bed). I'd been asleep since 11pm, I had to wake up at 6am for my shift today. He came to bed so late because he was up playing computer games. He's 36 and works from home in IT and gets up around 9.30. I was incandescent with rage and couldn't get back to sleep.
We had this issue during Covid before he moved in. I ended up going home sick a few times because he'd come to bed late and I'd end up with less than two hours sleep.
We talked through it then but I still ended up medicating on Zopiclone to sleep more deeply.
I now have huge anxiety about not getting enough sleep and going into bed tired and making a mistake at work.
I'm now self-medicating with alcohol to get to sleep at night to get over this anxiety and I know it's not a solution and I hate it. I'm picking up more Zopiclone soon to try and break this cycle.
I've asked him to come to bed earlier or sleep upstairs but I know he's going to be defensive and say that it was the dog jumping on me, not him who woke me up.
Sorry this is so long... I'm tired.

Separate rooms, without a doubt. Or it'll end up with separate houses.

So do you really think it's ok to come in at 2.30am with the dog and wake her up?.

What do you suggest she does, suck it up?

Separate rooms! I hate the concept but if he is going to be an inconsiderate arse, he doesn't get to share your bed.

Or if that is not a possibility or you don't want it, then meet his selfishness head on. Get up at 5 am for your shift, radio blaring, lights on, sing in the shower, hairdryer on while you sit on the side of the bed.

I would seriously question if you want a man-child like this in your life long term. You are at the start of your relationship; he should be so in love he thinks to put you ahead of his own selfish needs. He hasn't taken on board the reality that a relationship is a partnership.

His gaming and your drinking sound equally problematic.

@AandEDoc Good to see your update & plan to see your GP.

Living as a couple is relatively new & both now at a point where the practical differences of your lifestyle & career paths show a sharp divide between you.

Were it just a matter of having a spare room for when you are on early shifts, this would be a quick fix.

But I am more concerned at his attitude that it’s OK for him (& the dog!) to wake someone in deep sleep, let alone account for your early start & the absolute need to be on top of your game as lives are at risk. There is a thoughtlessness about this, & writ large to me so I wonder about his attitudes & behaviours generally.

He may be great to date, but is he someone to share your home & life with?
Has he realised that you are self-medicating?
Where is his concern for your wellbeing?
Is he aware that you may need practical consideration & support, e.g. routines around eating, sleeping & relaxation, to function well at work?

BTW make sure that he’s awake at 06:00 😉.

My friend has a stair gate at the bottom to stop the dog going upstairs.
You should get one of those in man size to stop your fiancé coming upstairs.

Gotta love AIBU, the board where PP come to invent their own storyline because obviously the OP can't be believed to know more about her own life than they do.

Did you miss the bit where OP had already said he's refusing to sleep elsewhere, & regularly wakes her by getting into her bed after gaming @WhatLikeItsHard ?

Because I certainly missed the bit where OP ordered him to change his sleep cycle. All I could see was OP's partner deliberately breaking HER sleep.

She's done nothing more selfish than ask him that he doesn't keep waking her up.

& where has she issued any reprimands?

Well I'd get rid of the dog firstly

It doesn't need to negate your point @BabyOnBoard90 - because you haven't made a point - you've invented a fiction.

At no point has OP ordered him to bed.

She has asked that when he is finally ready to go to sleep, that he doesn't wake her. That he considers sleeping elsewhere in the house, or takes the trouble to get into her bed quietly & carefully.

As a doctor you should know that alcohol makes your sleep worse, espeically waking up a few hours after going to sleep and not being able to fall asleep again. I am not a doctor and know this (and don't drink much in the evenings as a result). So YABU to self medicate with alcohol when it makes your issue worse.

that said, if your DH stays up he should sleep on the sofa or spare room to avoid waking you when you have to be up early. Then he has a choice - go to sleep at a sensible time with you or sleep elsewhere. YANBU there.

Telling me I haven't got a point doesn't negate it either unfortunately.

I didn't say what she did, I said what she can't do.

He’s waking up an A & E doctor at 2.30am because he’s up all night gaming?! Genuinely incredulous at his selfishness. You shouldn’t need zopiclone to help you switch off from the anxiety of expecting be woken up. He’s being unreasonable to a ridiculous level. Have a rule. If he comes to bed after midnight, he sleeps on the sofa. You are not to be disturbed just because he’s too thoughtless to consider your needs in addition to his own. He gets 3.5 hours more time in bed than you. Would he like a taste of his own medicine, so that when he goes to bed at 2.35 you wake him at 6 and let the dog jump on him?

Oh god here's another one inventing stuff to suit their own narrative.

Please show us all where OP has tried to dictate he comes to bed early @rwalker ?

She has suggested he goes to bed earlier OR sleeps separately.
That's not dictating - that's a request, with an alternative provision.
Tell me what you think could possibly be unreasonable about that?

He's chosen to take up neither suggestion.
Which shows who's being unreasonable here.

ODFOD

Not quite the same situation and nowhere near has serious (I'm not an a and e doctor), but my DH often works into the early hours of the morning - at least its not gaming that would fill me with rage also - but we have ended up sleeping separately for quite a few nights a week.
I am a light sleeper and also need more sleep to function.
You shouldn't be having to resort to medication or alcohol just because he is so inconsiderate. If he wants to stay up playing games like a teenager, especially when you have such an important job, he needs to sleep on the sofa!

Funny how OP's drinking doesn't affect her partner one jot then innit.
Whereas his gaming - & selfishness about where he chooses to sleep after gaming - it wrecking OP's sleep & life.

Thats because because one drink a night isn't problematic, so long as it doesn't escalate.
OP's partner has refused to make any changes to HIS problematic behaviour.
Unlike him, OP is taking responsibility for herself -
I think I'm very used to the daily small nightcaps, which will definitely come under dependence for sleep, and will talk to my GP.

Still think she's the problem, & not the guy who's ignoring her needs @Itisbetter?

Melatonin capsules sorted insomnia for me, OP, and with valium I can stay awake for 4 days on the trot. Don't know if it's used in the UK but Atarax is suite good too. Was so stressed at one point I was taking 6/day and driving, still very stressed.

All of this.

Did he move in ahead of lockdown so that you could bubble & maintain the relationship OP?

Time to take a long, cool look at what he actually brings to your life.

Does he pay his way? Share half all costs, do half the chores, half the shopping & cooking, half the mental load?

Or is he what I suspect he is - a manchild who's landed on his feet in your home?

Before you started dating him - did you sleep a lot better?
Because I suspect a lot of this is the constant daily/nightly stress of knowing you are going to get woken, the anger of knowing he won't listen to you or make changes, & a lot of unacknowledged sadness that this is maybe not the man for you after all. That would be bound to fuck up the sleep of someone who's already managing shift/sleep patterns.

And I'm with the PP upthread who noted that you had a big talk about this before he even moved in - he pretended to 'understand' but changed nothing.
So instead of him making a simple change to where he sleeps, you started self-medding with zopiclone.
After he moved in, he still refused to change his ways, & you ended up self-medding with alcohol.
What will you use to self-medicate when he STILL refuses to sleep elsewhere on his late gaming nights? Valium? Opiates?

Because something tells me this man will 'forget' or tell you 'not to make a fuss', or find someone to blame. If it's not the dog, it's going to be you - he'll be telling you you're unreasonable & "too sensitive" next.

Now you have asked him to come up with a plan (like he hasn't know of YOUR simple plan, for 3 fucking years already). You seem to believe that he will do so this time -
I sent him a frank message before I started work and got an apology without an excuse.
What will happen if you find out that - yet again - he will mouth some words but not change his actions?
You seem relieved that he didn't make an excuse. (You had expected one - eg he'd blame the dog) Like that is a huge step forward. Can you see how low a bar that is to have? It's the least any partner should expect from another!

He is a selfish twat - I hope you work it out, but consider if in the longer term, you would want to have children with a Gamer.

Telling me I haven't got a point doesn't negate it either unfortunately.
It doesn't need to - your point was immaterial whether somebody said so or not.

I didn't say what she did, I said what she can't do.
OK, she can't fly to the moon on a broomstick either. But you didn't say that - you said He's not a child that can just be ordered to bed. - implying that OP had done so.

Plus - you are clearly not discussing in good faith, but motivated by being a contrarian who wants to take the man's side to score points -
I don't think this would be such a big deal if the roles were reversed, but as your partner's male he'll be annihilated by the bitter people of this forum.
so I imagine OP & PP are according your posts the value they deserve.

This is the same kind of thing my husband does, stays up until 2/3 am, absorbed in chat lines/but says he’s working, comes noisily to bed. Have told him repeatedly to sleep earlier. Causing anxiety all day, refusing to create another room to sleep. Uses spare room as office. OP you should tell him to move out as it won’t get better.

It’s common for early bedders to be prioritised over night owls but you both work and are both entitled to go to bed / sleep when you want to.

Happily, you have a spare room…problem solved, surely.

You can’t expect your partner to live his life around your sleep patterns and he can’t expect you to live without proper sleep. Comments about him being a selfish arse etc are not ok.

You can’t expect your partner to live his life around your sleep patterns and he can’t expect you to live without proper sleep. Comments about him being a selfish arse etc are not ok.

How so @spaghettimaretti ?

OP has never expected him to live around her sleep patterns.
In fact she's been so careful not to, she's resorted to self-medicating instead of exploding at him to stop fucking waking her up.

She has asked him repeatedly to go to bed separately when he's been gaming into the small hours. He keeps saying he will. but doesn't change his behaviour one jot.

Of course he's a selfish arse. He is disturbing her sleep, when he could easily not, by sleeping separately instead of waking her. How on earth can you not see how selfish that is?

Happily, you have a spare room…problem solved, surely.

Let's hope so, but the spare sleeping space isn't a mystery that's been withheld from him. He's known about it for 3 years, OP has asked him to use it, yet lo & behold, he prefers to let the dog jump on her at 2:35am ...

To be so uncaring of your partner's sleep that even when you see them sinking because of sleep deprivation, taking zopiclone & alcohol to cope with it, you STILL refuse to make that one small change to help them out ... that's not a one-off error of judgement. It's a power move - a territorial dominance display.

No it's not.

The real issue is that the OP is so stressed they are on te brink of sliding into alcoholism.

When you need to drink and medicate to sleep cos of your job, you have bigger problems than your DP on the xbox all night.