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Original poster

Fiancé comes to bed at 2.30am...

157 replies

AandEDoc · 08/12/2022 07:41

I really need to find out if I'm being unreasonable. I'm assuming/hoping everyone has seen how horrific A&E departments are at the moment. I'm one of the A&E doctors who goes in and has to deal with what looks like a warzone and the psychology impact of just not being able to help people like we want to.
My fiancé came to bed at 02.35 last night and woke me up (I'm a light sleeper and he let our dog jump on me on the bed). I'd been asleep since 11pm, I had to wake up at 6am for my shift today. He came to bed so late because he was up playing computer games. He's 36 and works from home in IT and gets up around 9.30. I was incandescent with rage and couldn't get back to sleep.
We had this issue during Covid before he moved in. I ended up going home sick a few times because he'd come to bed late and I'd end up with less than two hours sleep.
We talked through it then but I still ended up medicating on Zopiclone to sleep more deeply.
I now have huge anxiety about not getting enough sleep and going into bed tired and making a mistake at work.
I'm now self-medicating with alcohol to get to sleep at night to get over this anxiety and I know it's not a solution and I hate it. I'm picking up more Zopiclone soon to try and break this cycle.
I've asked him to come to bed earlier or sleep upstairs but I know he's going to be defensive and say that it was the dog jumping on me, not him who woke me up.
Sorry this is so long... I'm tired.

OP posts:
stopbeeping · 08/12/2022 08:36

Dump him he sounds pathetic lazy and immature

Then you won't need to medicate with booze for sleep or feel forced into zopiclone

Have you got wax ear plugs ? Get some from boots they are the only thing that actually block out the noises

But dump him

allthelittlelights · 08/12/2022 08:41

Not sharing a bedroom used to be the norm. In my opinion it should be again. I will not share, I used to end up grinding my teeth and stressed out from the various noises/movement/snoring.

Summerfun54321 · 08/12/2022 08:41

Me and DH are like this. Every single other aspect of our marriage is great. But he’s a light sleeper, I’m not. He likes to go to bed early, I don’t. I move around a lot in my sleep and in bed and it wakes him up….

DH used to try and dictate when and how I slept (go to bed at * time and be still) and it was HORRIBLE. I felt a building sense of tension before bedtime and like I was treading on eggshells trying not to disturb him. The solution isn’t for one of you to dictate to the other how they should and shouldn’t sleep, the solution is to sleep in separate beds when one of you needs a precious nights sleep. MN will have you believe it’s the end of a marriage when couples sleep in different beds but taking the tension away from sleep time has improved everything.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 08/12/2022 08:42

So, from here, it sounds as though rather than face his lack of regard head on you are wrecking your own health, playing stupid games with sleepers and alcohol, to manage what should be really simple: he stops acting like a child and has some care for your needs.

Is this the kind of man you really want to spend the rest of your life with?

You said you have discussed it before and he 'understood'. Well he didn't care enough to act on that understanding for long, did he?

You could have that conversation again.. an again... and again if you want. Or you could spend a little bit of time and care on yourself and seriously work through what the relationship actually does for you!

From here the answer is obvious: put him out, he's a selfish arse! But I suspect you aren't awake enough to assess him that clearly - yet!

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 08/12/2022 08:43

Oh, like @Summerfun54321 I too do not share a bed with DH. Haven't for most of our 35 year marriage.

He now snores like a stuck pig in his room and I get to sleep in mine! It works fine.

Herejustforthisone · 08/12/2022 08:49

He’s utterly selfish and he does not care about you. He knew you’d be woken, you’ve spoken about this before. He knows you self medicate. He still doesn’t give a shit. He’s a disgrace. He needs to move back out. And to grow up.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 08/12/2022 08:49

I echo @SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth completely. You’ve already had this conversation-he is a grown up. How many times do you want to have it? If you don’t consider yourself, no one else will-your partner clearly doesn’t. I would have to say that you think you’re incompatible and you’d like him to move out.🤷‍♀️

Summerfun54321 · 08/12/2022 08:54

Have you considered the reason he avoids going to bed is your anxiety around sleep? Can you honestly say that if he goes to bed when you tell him to that this anxiety will instantly stop?

sunflowerandivy · 08/12/2022 08:55

I work front line nhs and me and my husband have separate beds for this reason. Your partner sounds like a selfish A hole

Zanatdy · 08/12/2022 09:10

kingtamponthefurred · 08/12/2022 08:08

Dogs should not be allowed upstairs.

Says who? Surely it’s up to individual owners. My dog goes anywhere in his home - he just wants to be with me

Daftapath · 08/12/2022 09:16

Is he this inconsiderate and selfish in other ways too?

Mirabai · 08/12/2022 09:20

What is an intelligent woman like you doing with a selfish, immature gamer twat who wakes her in the night? Whose behaviour makes her have to medicate with alcohol and prescription drugs just to get by? He’s like a self-absorbed teen. What would he be like when you have kids if he’s this selfish now?

Do you think this is the best you can do? Imagine if you had a clever, consider partner who understood the demands of your job and had respect for you?
Another doctor for example?

You don’t need separate rooms you need separate lives.

Hilly17 · 08/12/2022 09:24

Mirabai · 08/12/2022 09:20

What is an intelligent woman like you doing with a selfish, immature gamer twat who wakes her in the night? Whose behaviour makes her have to medicate with alcohol and prescription drugs just to get by? He’s like a self-absorbed teen. What would he be like when you have kids if he’s this selfish now?

Do you think this is the best you can do? Imagine if you had a clever, consider partner who understood the demands of your job and had respect for you?
Another doctor for example?

You don’t need separate rooms you need separate lives.

This

Womanofcustard · 08/12/2022 09:30

Can you imagine this situation round the other way? A&E doctor (male) is having his sleep disturbed by his (female) partner staying up late playing computer games? Would this scenario ever happen?

ACynicalDad · 08/12/2022 09:34

You are going to marry a selfish, overgrown child.

Frabbits · 08/12/2022 09:42

People are entitled to stay up after their partner to persue hobbies. I see the "what a child he plays videogames" posters are out in force....

The issue is, of course, is the inconsideration of disturbing someone when they come to bed. Either the guy needs to absolutely tiptoe into bed if he can manage or needs to sleep in a seperate room.

Soakitup37 · 08/12/2022 09:43

Wake him up at the crack of dawn or just an hour after he’s gone to bed. Let the dog do it. Deny it was you it was the dog. Do it repeatedly until he understands how jarring and unsettling it is to have this happen.

Fourwallsclosingin · 08/12/2022 10:20

I'd seriously consider if you want to stay with him. Firstly, get a separate room. Also imagine what your future might look like, it doesn't sound that great already if you need to self medicate and he doesn't seem to particularly care that he is the cause of this.
My partner was like this which I thought wasn't such a big deal. I liked seeing in too, but then his sleep ins got later and later. 12y and a baby later, it is starting to cause huge problems. Basically being in different time zones makes life really, really hard when you're trying to juggle everything. I spend most weekends alone because he's still in bed. By the time he is awake and ready, half the day is gone. I also get woken up because he's walking around when I'm trying to sleep. It's starting to create huge problems as this dynamic affects everything else.

Iknowhim · 08/12/2022 10:28

This isn't in any way ok. Whether he's actually an arsehole or just had a stupid selfish blind spot for this, only you can decide.

At the very least, if he doesn't come to bed with you when you're working the next day then he sleeps elsewhere.

Franklyfrost · 08/12/2022 11:07

Separate rooms. And do all the sleep hygiene stuff.

And I know this is a big ask but staying optimistic when you’re woken up. Believe you might get back to sleep. If you can’t sleep after a while then get up, do something relaxing (reading, sewing, whatever) and try again. I’m a terrible sleeper, nothing helps me sleep and so the only thing to do is not to make it worse with despair, rage or catastrophising. I feel your pain. Alcohol will get you to sleep but the quality of that sleep will be poor, maybe that can help motivate you to cut down. If you want to use drugs and have access to them, I’d go for melatonin long term rather than short term (and addictive) fixes.

SleeplessInEngland · 08/12/2022 11:15

Womanofcustard · 08/12/2022 09:30

Can you imagine this situation round the other way? A&E doctor (male) is having his sleep disturbed by his (female) partner staying up late playing computer games? Would this scenario ever happen?

I mean if you're asking whether female gamers exist, obviously they do. Whether as high proportion of them would be as awful as this partner... probably not. But then I'd hope most men wouldn't be either.

Always4Brenner · 08/12/2022 11:20

This won’t get any better my ex was a night owl for years I never slept properly now I’m away from him I’m sleeping well unless as of last night pain kept me awake arthritis.

KettrickenSmiled · 08/12/2022 11:28

Summerfun54321 · 08/12/2022 08:54

Have you considered the reason he avoids going to bed is your anxiety around sleep? Can you honestly say that if he goes to bed when you tell him to that this anxiety will instantly stop?

Eh?

OP doesn't want to tell him when to go to bed.
She just doesn't want him climbing into hers so carelessly at 2.30am.

CockingASnook · 08/12/2022 11:29

Separate rooms and cut out the alcohol. Sorry if stating the obvious. Nothing is more precious than sleep, especially in a demanding role.

KettrickenSmiled · 08/12/2022 11:46

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 08/12/2022 08:42

So, from here, it sounds as though rather than face his lack of regard head on you are wrecking your own health, playing stupid games with sleepers and alcohol, to manage what should be really simple: he stops acting like a child and has some care for your needs.

Is this the kind of man you really want to spend the rest of your life with?

You said you have discussed it before and he 'understood'. Well he didn't care enough to act on that understanding for long, did he?

You could have that conversation again.. an again... and again if you want. Or you could spend a little bit of time and care on yourself and seriously work through what the relationship actually does for you!

From here the answer is obvious: put him out, he's a selfish arse! But I suspect you aren't awake enough to assess him that clearly - yet!

Samphire has this spot on OP.

The most concerning part - apart from you needing to ask if YOU are the unreasonable one - is this:

I've asked him to come to bed earlier or sleep upstairs but I know he's going to be defensive and say that it was the dog jumping on me, not him who woke me up.

You have not spoken up because you have already anticipated that his response will be to dismiss, minimise, & lay blame elsewhere.

He's moved into your home, & doesn't even have the courtesy to treat it like mutually shared territory. He thinks nothing of waking you, because he cares more about his own selfishness than your sleep patterns. He feels his entitlement to gaming & 'inevitably' waking you up is more important than your sleep, health & happiness.
He must know you are struggling - anybody decent would OFFER to sleep on the couch/spare room if you have one. But he insists on waking you. And refuses to be accountable for it.

What other ways does he demonstrate this selfishness to you OP?
Because - forgive me - here you are - an intelligent, capable, resourceful A&E doc, reduced to wondering if it's ok to challenge her fiance about his habits. So I can't help but wonder how long he has been dismissive, minimising, & unaccountable around you, & what part that has played in grinding you down to the point where you are wary of challenging him.

It's exhausting to constantly have to struggle to get heard. To be treated decently. When you reach the point that you have to keep explaining to a partner what basic levels of kindness & consideration are - you are flogging a dead horse. Couple that with the PTSD-levels of constant A&E stresses staff are handling, top up with sleep deprivation & ... well - you're the doc. You know how perilously close humans skate to the line between coping & breakdown.

So you need to put yourself first. You can't help anyone until you have helped yourself. Do you feel able to challenge his defensiveness strongly enough to finally get heard? Or would that only end up in a blazing row, more blame, maybe some stonewalling or a nice dose of DARVO? That's how selfish people tend to respond to being challenged. So don't do it until you've managed to catch up on some sleep & do some thinking - in fact, don't do it at all if you don't want to! - but at least his response would give you information. You could then use that information to decide if it's worth your while continuing cohabitation with him.

Please ensure your contraception is watertight. Apologies for how patronising that sounds. But you can imagine how he'd be around ensuring equal shares of sleep, with a baby in the mix, yeah?