Fiancé comes to bed at 2.30am...

[AandEDoc]

I really need to find out if I'm being unreasonable. I'm assuming/hoping everyone has seen how horrific A&E departments are at the moment. I'm one of the A&E doctors who goes in and has to deal with what looks like a warzone and the psychology impact of just not being able to help people like we want to.
My fiancé came to bed at 02.35 last night and woke me up (I'm a light sleeper and he let our dog jump on me on the bed). I'd been asleep since 11pm, I had to wake up at 6am for my shift today. He came to bed so late because he was up playing computer games. He's 36 and works from home in IT and gets up around 9.30. I was incandescent with rage and couldn't get back to sleep.
We had this issue during Covid before he moved in. I ended up going home sick a few times because he'd come to bed late and I'd end up with less than two hours sleep.
We talked through it then but I still ended up medicating on Zopiclone to sleep more deeply.
I now have huge anxiety about not getting enough sleep and going into bed tired and making a mistake at work.
I'm now self-medicating with alcohol to get to sleep at night to get over this anxiety and I know it's not a solution and I hate it. I'm picking up more Zopiclone soon to try and break this cycle.
I've asked him to come to bed earlier or sleep upstairs but I know he's going to be defensive and say that it was the dog jumping on me, not him who woke me up.
Sorry this is so long... I'm tired.

Your sleep schedules are entirely incompatible. Either he needs to commit to putting measures in place to avoid waking you at 2:30am or your relationship cannot work.

Please stop using the alcohol. You'll need gradually more and more for the same effect and you'll be an alcoholic within months.

On my brief lunch break and wanted to say a sincere thanks to all the replies. I sent him a frank message before I started work and got an apology without an excuse. I've told him we need a proper solution to this and it's his responsibility to find it.
Thank you also for the alcohol concerns. I never mix the Zopiclone with alcohol. Unfortunately during dry January I found it impossible to fall asleep, I think I'm very used to the daily small nightcaps, which will definitely come under dependence for sleep, and will talk to my GP.
I really appreciate the replies as I don't feel like I'm being crazy or unreasonable. I hope this post can help someone else in a similar situation in the future x

Good to hear OP and yet….
he can now spend days , weeks ‘finding a solution’.

what is it YOUR solution OP?

Worth thinking also that whilst zopiclone and alcohol help knock you out, they negatively impact sleep quality so better to reduce both until not needed. He needs to not disturb you after 10pm, for your sake and patient wellbeing too.

Def needs to be seperate rooms the nights you are on dayshift. Hear you on the zopiclone though, had the best sleeps ever on that stuff, pity it's highly addictive!

Speaking from experience, it is really difficult if you are sleeping in the same bed and not going to bed around the same time. It's probably going to be exhausting for you both in the medium term. It's OK from time to time, but in general it's a big NO from me.

@AandEDoc as others have said, it's very difficult if you keep different hours like this. It won't get any better. Only worse.

I don't think this would be such a big deal if the roles were reversed, but as your partner's male he'll be annihilated by the bitter people of this forum.

It's normal for partners to have differing sleep patterns.

Maybe that would be the case if OP didn't work in a job where being sleep deprived was dangerous.

It's normal for partners who have different sleeping patterns to sleep in separate rooms, especially if they have jobs where it's literally life or death. I wouldn't want a sleep deprived A&E doctor looking after me.

Why do people insist on sleeping in the same room? You're on medication, suffering from anxiety and getting into difficulties at work and for what? Having a smelly bloke beside you hogging the covers?

Plenty of roles outside of medicine are potentially life threatening if done sleep deprived e.g. Lorry . But that doesn't make the approach anymore reasonable.

Separate rooms could work, but reprimanding him in order to force the adoption of a sleep cycle that suits her is equally selfish.

What worked for me years ago, when I first started living with partner, was to absolutely lose my shit. He had been out on a Friday night out, came back drunk and woke me up. It had happened a couple of times before, and I'd grumbled about it, but I was particularly tired that night and had to be up at 5.30am for work. I cried and told him I couldn't go on like this again, and he was really shocked and has never woke me up again. He always sleeps in the spare room now if he goes out and I've got to be up early.

@BabyOnBoard90

Did I say the only jobs that were dangerous to be sleep deprived were medicine? No. I also wouldn't want a sleep deprived lorry driver to smash into the back of my car on the dual carriage way.

Have you ever worked night shifts? Sleep deprivation can do funny things to you. It's not selfish to want to get a good night's sleep. It's actually quite selfish to continue to interrupt your partners sleep. If he sleeps in a seperate room he can stay up as late as be likes.

Separate rooms or a fold out bed/ futon downstairs. Whether it’s gaming, snoring or shift work we all need to be considerate of our partners. He is behaving like a knob, YANBU. Also you sound very stressed, not just the inconsiderate partner , maybe you need a break from work? The self medication and anxiety may not just be sleep deprivation?

Separate rooms. It’s a game changer, believe me.

He’s so inconsiderate and how is the man surviving going bed so late 😴

Yeah this still doesn't negate my point I'm afraid.

He's not a child that can just be ordered to bed.

If he goes to bed so late then can’t he sleep on the sofa if he know it’s an issue for you? I often can’t sleep until late and I’m no early bird, I used to sleep on the sofa. Now I have to be up at 6am for work…I still can’t sleep but I’m in bed earlier.

He’s behaving like one, waking her and letting the dog wake her.

That is the point, not forcing him into a different sleep pattern. His sleep pattern would be less of a problem anyway if he weren’t up until 2.30am, gaming.

He doesn’t understand your work schedule, the pressure you feel around work and sleep ie. He doesn’t respect you or care much about your needs.

You are self medicating with alcohol to try and deal with the additional anxiety his behaviour is causing you. You have previously had to medicate to be able to live with this man and carry on working.

You’re a doctor - you’re not stupid. You understand that this a massive problem here. You understand that your current behavior is a short step from alcoholism, or you wouldn’t be flagging it here.

I think you understand that this relationship is not one in which you can feel safe, nor one which will give you the support you need to buoy you up in your professional or your personal life.

So get out of it. Focus on keeping yourself healthy - AA if you need to.

Good luck.

I think your fiance' needs to find a different job, OP. One with more normal times. I think that's the solution.

Why are you marrying this man child? Gaming until 2.30? He’s not ready to even be an adult, much less a husband.

I seem to be in a minority here. What stood out for me most was your anxiety around sleep and the use of alcohol and medication.

I am a sound sleeper who falls asleep easily. My DH has had periods of insomnia during our marriage and it has been very difficult. It didn’t matter how quiet I was or what time I went to bed, he was just resentful that I could sleep and he couldn’t. And it was all he could think about, every aspect of our lives was focused on his sleep. At one stage he took sedative medication for a short period of time and that started the worst period of insomnia and anxiety that he’s ever had. What helped was him going to a sleep specialist, finding out there was nothing medically wrong with him, and learning techniques for what to do when he woke during the night. It has been a game changer. We still happily share a room, he just goes into the spare room on the (now rare) occasion that he can’t sleep.

He doesn't care about fellow humans needing emergency care, he doesn't care about the dog not sleeping at 2am and he surely doesn't care about you.
He needs a few years to grow into adulthood.

Separate rooms is all very well, but...

@KettrickenSmiled and @