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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cancel Christmas at MIL to keep toddler routine

435 replies

HallieM93 · 07/12/2022 23:43

I’m stressed about Christmas Day.

My 20 month old little boy stayed with my parents on Saturday for the night and was an absolute nightmare, he has learned to climb out his travel cot as he’s very tall for his age and only slept for 3 hours. He’s always struggled with new environments and routine changes, and never has been a good sleeper (we’re currently waiting for an autism assessment due to a number of factors with his development)

I felt so guilty on Sunday knowing he kept my mum up all night and that he couldn’t sleep, he was so tired when we picked him up he went to sleep at 9AM and slept until 12:30PM. I went back to work when he was very young at 5 months due to a fantastic opportunity but made the decision to return to being a SAHM in September due to the ongoing autism speculation and just wanting to spend more time with him. I made the decision on Sunday that I don’t want to change his routine or stay out overnight anymore because of this.

our plans were to go to the in-laws on Christmas Day and stay overnight but due to him being able to climb out the travel cot and far too young and excitable to sleep in the bed, I want to change our plans to just an afternoon visit (maybe for dinner?) between his afternoon nap and bedtime so as not to cause any more disruptions to his routine.

Aibu? I feel like my in-laws will be disappointed and my partner will likely sulk, but my main excitement for Christmas is to see my little boy happy and excited and I just think that overtiredness and overstimulation could ruin that for him. Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

OP posts:
FallingsHowIFeel · 08/12/2022 09:10

I also just wanted to say, having an older autistic child that can now communicate quite how awful they feel when routine changes, how overstimulation feels and just everything that autism means for them, I would never put my child in a situation that wasn’t really necessary.

Just because your son can’t explain doesn’t mean others get to just ignore his discomfort because they want Christmas to be a certain way.

TheYummyPatler · 08/12/2022 09:13

I think your family should prioritise you learning to drive too. That way you won’t be dependent on your DH driving in this kind of situation instead (and he won’t feel he gets to veto things on the basis he wants to drink).

He can compromise on not drinking during the day at Christmas and returning home so there’s some chance of his DS sleeping. After all, you are spending the day with his family.

That is just parenthood. It’s not getting to do exactly what you want or what you’d have done previously.

Goldbar · 08/12/2022 09:13

It's all very well to say that young children should just learn to cope with disruption to their routine, but it's not much fun for the adults expected to deal with them and keep them in order so everyone else can have a nice, relaxing Christmas.

FallingsHowIFeel · 08/12/2022 09:14

TopSec · 08/12/2022 09:07

All children, when young, never settle as well in other folks houses, whether they are Grandparents, Aunts etc. You will be there this time so maybe he will sleep better. However, you have already said he's a bad sleeper so I can't see how it matters. Christmas is Christmas - routine goes out of the window for one day - if they want chocolate for breakfast, so be it. If they fill up on chocolate and don't eat their dinner, so be it. I could go on and on but please just try and relax. He will sleep when tired and eat when hungry. Its one day, its not going to affect him long term.

🙄

TheYummyPatler · 08/12/2022 09:18

TopSec · 08/12/2022 09:07

All children, when young, never settle as well in other folks houses, whether they are Grandparents, Aunts etc. You will be there this time so maybe he will sleep better. However, you have already said he's a bad sleeper so I can't see how it matters. Christmas is Christmas - routine goes out of the window for one day - if they want chocolate for breakfast, so be it. If they fill up on chocolate and don't eat their dinner, so be it. I could go on and on but please just try and relax. He will sleep when tired and eat when hungry. Its one day, its not going to affect him long term.

This child is very young and his additional
needs are significant enough that he’s already being assessed for autism and his mother has paused her career as a result.

It’s absolutely not an ‘all kids are like this’ situation.

How do you know he will eat when he’s hungry and sleep when he’s tired?

How do you know that he will be just fine out of routine if only his mother relaxes?

Parents of ND children are not being uptight in choosing to prioritise a routine that helps their child to cope with life.

girlmom21 · 08/12/2022 09:18

He will sleep when tired and eat when hungry.

Tell us you don't know anything about toddlers with additional needs without telling us you don't know anything about toddlers with additional needs.

starfishmummy · 08/12/2022 09:19

If they're just 40 minutes away I don't understand why you would be staying anyway. I'd just go home - will he sleep in the car on the way home so you can leave just before bedtime?

Tbh I'd also be concerned that he's climbing out of his travel cot, which is generally considered time to stop using one.

HappinesDependsOnYou · 08/12/2022 09:23

I don't think yabu. Why make your Xmas miserable? You do what's right for your child and not what everyone else wants

Dinoteeth · 08/12/2022 09:24

If its only 40mins away, I'd go home. Partly because Christmas day is such a busy day people round and the days leading up to it are busy too that it's nice just to get up and chill 😎

TBH you might want to re-think Christmas for future years have people at you house so you aren't handing your LO new toys and then expecting them to leave them to go to Grannies.

endofthelinefinally · 08/12/2022 09:26

If your DP is desperate to drink, surely he could take you home early and go back to his parents for the evening and stay there overnight himself.
I think you are going to have to prioritise learning to drive. Given the fact that you are not married, you are also going to have to figure out how not to be financially dependent on a man who is clearly very selfish.
I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

Idrinkandiknowthings1 · 08/12/2022 09:27

OP, my baby is the same, she’s a very routine baby, won’t nap in her pram or car (she’s 15m) but isn’t at the climbing out of travel cot stage but I do feel your pain. People suggesting napping when he’s exhausted etc have flexible babies! Mine would scream bloody murder for hours before falling asleep if she wasn’t in her cot. I just say no to things to stay in her routine as it’s you who has to deal with a grumpy toddler when they are overtired and overwhelmed.

i would be inclined to do as you suggest, yes they may be disappointed but it isn’t forever it will be like this! Many more Christmasses where he will be up all day and not stressing out.

Notanotherone6 · 08/12/2022 09:31

Of course you're being unreasonable and overly precious. If you don't want to go to your in-laws then tell them it's because of your feelings, don't use your kid as an excuse.

Dinoteeth · 08/12/2022 09:32

Op something else to remember 20 mths they don't really get Santa, next year he might get Santa brings toys. But really it's the following year almost 4 before he'll really understand it.

Original poster
HallieM93 · 08/12/2022 09:34

endofthelinefinally · 08/12/2022 09:26

If your DP is desperate to drink, surely he could take you home early and go back to his parents for the evening and stay there overnight himself.
I think you are going to have to prioritise learning to drive. Given the fact that you are not married, you are also going to have to figure out how not to be financially dependent on a man who is clearly very selfish.
I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

Thank you all for your advice and support, not so thankful to the nasty comments but those were to be expected I suppose.

I so just want everyone to have a Good Christmas and to not upset anyone, but I am struggling navigating this journey when we are in situations where he is overstimulated or overtired and has a melt down - it made me feel like an awful mum before autism was brought up - I worried people would think I couldn’t cope or settle him if we needed to leave anywhere early, so I am still learning.

I am going to text my MIL today and ask if her removing all breakables from the bedroom will be an option and ask if she won’t mind the disruption in the night - if she’s happy with that I will purchase the bed guard and go with the intention to stay.

please rest assured my partner is supportive and I can pick up my career again anytime as I have a great network, I just feel bad asking him not to drink because I can’t drive at the moment.

I think I’m just trying to please too many people perhaps… but the other option will be that he could drop us off at home and go back for the evening if needs be as I don’t mind that at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
HallieM93 · 08/12/2022 09:35

Notanotherone6 · 08/12/2022 09:31

Of course you're being unreasonable and overly precious. If you don't want to go to your in-laws then tell them it's because of your feelings, don't use your kid as an excuse.

I’m not sure if you read the post or any of the thread or just the title…

OP posts:
ChubbyMorticia · 08/12/2022 09:39

YANBU. I will sincerely never understand those who find it reasonable for a child to be miserable so adults can get what they want. Because it is the child that pays the price of being exhausted and miserable.

Your child NEEDS his sleep. Your in-laws WANT Christmas as they like it. Needs trump wants, period.

colouringindoors · 08/12/2022 09:40

YANBU op.

My dd is autistic and staying away anywhere has always been hugely difficult. I'd stay at MIL as long as you and ds are happy to and then come home for bed - leave dh there if that's easier.

Finaldestitution · 08/12/2022 09:41

I’ve got one like this , he’s a lot older but still a pain to settle . My plan on this day with a 40 minute drive would be to stay until DS’s bedtime. Let DH have a few drinks , you drive . Then bring DS home , settle in his own bed , then you sit up with a bottle of wine and enjoy a film and he does the early morning shift. Also if the weather is dry , wrap up and take the boy to the park for a bit in the afternoon don’t keep him indoors all day with a bunch of adults that’s guaranteed to give you a shitty evening.

endofthelinefinally · 08/12/2022 09:49

Finaldestitution · 08/12/2022 09:41

I’ve got one like this , he’s a lot older but still a pain to settle . My plan on this day with a 40 minute drive would be to stay until DS’s bedtime. Let DH have a few drinks , you drive . Then bring DS home , settle in his own bed , then you sit up with a bottle of wine and enjoy a film and he does the early morning shift. Also if the weather is dry , wrap up and take the boy to the park for a bit in the afternoon don’t keep him indoors all day with a bunch of adults that’s guaranteed to give you a shitty evening.

OP doesn't drive.

Dinoteeth · 08/12/2022 09:54

Op another option,
Go to MILs with the plan that you are all staying, but DH isn't allowed to drink until LO is settled in bed.

If he settles great, fantastic, party on Crack open the beer but if he doesn't you have the option to bail out, bung him in a sleep suit and go home!

And that might just be the best compromise see how it goes on the day.

Crunchingleaf · 08/12/2022 09:54

I think your updated plan is sensible OP. See how you go and make the call as the situation unfolds.
The toddler years were tough with my autistic DS. However, I never got hung up on routine the way many parents of ASD kids do. My rationale was that change and disruption to routine is absolutely inevitable in life.
Whatever happens with your DS it will be a journey of highs and lows and at times relentless. You will succeed and fail trying to find ways to help him. Try not to judge yourself too harshly. All any of us can do is our best.

browneyes35 · 08/12/2022 09:59

Surely the difference is that you'll be with your son rather than him staying with his grandparents? That will make a huge difference. Don't cancel the event. Christmas is a time for family and your MIL won't be around forever.

aSofaNearYou · 08/12/2022 10:02

GettingStuffed · 08/12/2022 08:34

I've stayed awake all night because a grandchild has not been able to sleep. It's not a problem when it's once in a blue moon.

The more he spends time away at night the easier it will become for all of you.

We expect children to be excited at Christmas so the vast majority will cut a child some slack.

It is when you don't get to hand the child back at the end and just have to continue running on fumes while the child repeats the behaviour for weeks because they don't understand why they were allowed to do it on Christmas and not the rest of the time

ryantubridysthumb · 08/12/2022 10:07

Remove anything dangerous from the bedroom. Put lots of teddies and soft pillows on the floor. Leave the side of the cot down so there's no danger of him hurting himself. Stairgate up on the door of the room. Only go up if he's crying. Otherwise leave him pottering. He'll crash when he's tired.

SpicyFoodRocks · 08/12/2022 10:14

Some people are incredibly stupid.

I have zero experience of a child with autism, diagnosed or not. But I know enough to understand the importance of routine and the issues with overstimulation and sleep.

Why is it essential they brush their teeth, put their pyjamas on and sleep there? Come on. They could leave late at night and return in the morning and it would be no different.

Routines sometimes have to be broken. But is this visit worth it? Something like a funeral, yes. But not this. Not this year. Maybe next. The child and his mother need to enjoy Xmas and not just perform for the in-laws.

I was a bit of a precious mum over routine first time round. This situation is different.

OP if nothing else, this is some practice for the challenges and nastiness that parents of ASD kids seem to experience due to the stupidity of others.

And perhaps even worse, there is the ‘my kid is autistic and I coped, so you should too’ 🙄