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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cancel Christmas at MIL to keep toddler routine

435 replies

HallieM93 · 07/12/2022 23:43

I’m stressed about Christmas Day.

My 20 month old little boy stayed with my parents on Saturday for the night and was an absolute nightmare, he has learned to climb out his travel cot as he’s very tall for his age and only slept for 3 hours. He’s always struggled with new environments and routine changes, and never has been a good sleeper (we’re currently waiting for an autism assessment due to a number of factors with his development)

I felt so guilty on Sunday knowing he kept my mum up all night and that he couldn’t sleep, he was so tired when we picked him up he went to sleep at 9AM and slept until 12:30PM. I went back to work when he was very young at 5 months due to a fantastic opportunity but made the decision to return to being a SAHM in September due to the ongoing autism speculation and just wanting to spend more time with him. I made the decision on Sunday that I don’t want to change his routine or stay out overnight anymore because of this.

our plans were to go to the in-laws on Christmas Day and stay overnight but due to him being able to climb out the travel cot and far too young and excitable to sleep in the bed, I want to change our plans to just an afternoon visit (maybe for dinner?) between his afternoon nap and bedtime so as not to cause any more disruptions to his routine.

Aibu? I feel like my in-laws will be disappointed and my partner will likely sulk, but my main excitement for Christmas is to see my little boy happy and excited and I just think that overtiredness and overstimulation could ruin that for him. Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

OP posts:
FallingsHowIFeel · 08/12/2022 08:28

HallieM93 · 08/12/2022 06:05

@autienotnaughty @GoingtotheWinchester this is definitely part of the struggle as I don’t think my PIL really understand it and as we’re due to be waiting some time for the assessment to actually take place it’s very hard to communicate with people about how he copes with certain situations. It’s very isolating xx

Show quote history

I’m sure you’ve tried to explain to them. If people want to understand, they will. Some people just don’t want to get it as it affects their plans or their thoughts of what you having a child would be.

You know your son best, ignore them ignorant people.

FallingsHowIFeel · 08/12/2022 08:30

them = the

converseandjeans · 08/12/2022 08:31

YANBU & I think you're getting some opinionated responses on here.

I can't see why you need to stay overnight when it will knowingly result in neither you nor DS getting any sleep.

You know him best & it's really up to you to make the call. I think people saying to leave him to carry on until he drops aren't thinking what's best for him.

Just go for a visit & come home at bed time.

Jay2790 · 08/12/2022 08:32

waterrat · 08/12/2022 00:07

Hi. I have an autistic child and I completely understand you op. If people dont they are not properly understanding your situation

I have learnt to to say no to situations that will overwhelm my child. That is sometimes diffocult for other people to understand.

Speak to your in laws and explain that it will be miserable for you and your child if they are overwhelmed by the day and you are following his needs.

As the parent of a neurodiverse child you have a lifetimr ahead of people not understanding your childs needs so dont ever feel embarassed about putting them first

This. Ignore the ignorance on this thread and do what is right for your child, who is likely to be very dysregulated by the change in routine anyway.

I mean this kindly: the PP who suggested that your child will just crash out eventually unfortunately just doesn't have an understanding of autism.

GettingStuffed · 08/12/2022 08:34

I've stayed awake all night because a grandchild has not been able to sleep. It's not a problem when it's once in a blue moon.

The more he spends time away at night the easier it will become for all of you.

We expect children to be excited at Christmas so the vast majority will cut a child some slack.

Morph22010 · 08/12/2022 08:34

SHNBV · 08/12/2022 07:49

My daughters neurodivergent. The first time we went in holiday, which was around your child’s age, she hardly slept a wink. Not long after she started to sleep at relatives and she slept through the night. We also no longer have problems on holiday. One bad experience doesn’t mean he’s always going to struggle.

Havent you sleep out and had times we’re you were a sound sleeper and other times where you’ve towed and turned all night?

Have you considered this is more about your need for control during a stressful time rather than your sons needs?

The trouble is Christmas isn’t really the ideal time to try again with all the added pressures thst go with Christmas anyway

DottyLittleRainbow · 08/12/2022 08:35

Ah the classic “get the husband to parent his child” mumsnet response, as if this will magically mean that the OP’s son isn’t Autistic anymore.

I hear you OP and think it’s the right call. You will set a firm precedent here of protecting his routine/general well-being and perhaps if your in laws don’t understand your concerns regarding his behaviour/Autism yet, they soon will if you are clear about protecting his needs.

Other posters may not understand if they don’t have a child who is Autistic. Don’t take it personally.

SillySausage81 · 08/12/2022 08:40

YANBU AT ALL and I'm actually shocked so many people think you are.

It's not even like you won't see MIL, you'll still see her Christmas day.

Toddler won't remember how happy he was at xmas. The rest of your family will.

An unhappy toddler has the capacity to make everyone else in the household unhappy... not least the parents! Why make yourself miserable unnecessarily? And if you, your child and your DH are all miserable then it won't be much fun for the ILs either.

Yes yabu. It's one day.

One day that's supposed to be fun and happy. If you know it's going to be miserable for all concerned then literally what is the point?

Sirzy · 08/12/2022 08:40

Morph22010 · 08/12/2022 08:34

The trouble is Christmas isn’t really the ideal time to try again with all the added pressures thst go with Christmas anyway

Show quote history

Exactly.

the changes at Christmas can be hard enough as it is so anything you can do to decrease pressure (on child and parents!) is good.

i think often we have an idealised vision of what Christmas should look like but it doesn’t matter what it looks like as long as people are happy.

gogohmm · 08/12/2022 08:44

Yabu, it's one day, routine doesn't matter at Christmas.

We ditched cots by 16 months due to my little climbers, both of them could scale the side by 15/16 months

biscuitbadger · 08/12/2022 08:45

I really don’t mind doing all the running around and taking care of him

I have a pre-teen with ASD. We are still learning when to grit our teeth and get on with it, and when to say no to things - it's so hard isn't it.

My main advice reading your comments such as the one above is please look after yourself. Having a kid with additional needs is physically and mentally exhausting and while it changes as they grow up, it doesn't just stop.

You can totally love them and enjoy them and think they're wonderful and recognise that it's bloody hard work and you need enough sleep / time to yourself / time with friends etc to stay sane yourself.

It's not just about what your toddler can cope with, it's what you can cope with. It's ok to set boundaries purely around what you - as a woman and valuable person in your own right - want and need.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas whatever you decide to do!

**
**

MzHz · 08/12/2022 08:49

Just go over in the morning and come home after dinner

explain to your in-laws what happened at your parents and that you don’t want to disturb everyone at Christmas. that it’ll be lovely to do in a year or so when he’s a bit better in handling change, but you won’t stay over this year

literally nobody is going to want a sleepless night or to see him upset. It’s only 40mins.

BogRollBOGOF · 08/12/2022 08:54

Better to have a managable day out and a 40 minute drive than a long night and days of the aftermath for the hell of it.

If it's a multi-hour journey and overnight is the only viable option for seeing family, that's a different matter, but why make life harder than it needs to be for everyone in order to tick someone else's box.

I've just pissed DM off because I'm not involving my autistic child in a pre-Christmas retail park hell situation. Her whole plan has meltdown written all over it. She doesn't cope with his meltdowns. The public don't appreciate overloaded 12yos in busy places, and I'm not putting him in that situation unnecessarily. When parenting a child with autism, you have to put their needs first (as in a best-fit package of what works for them and you) because no one else will do that for them.
Usually when autism comes up on the radar of professionals for this age, it is.
DS wasn't diagnosed until later, but there were traits that young and I was starting to build the paper trail that eventually led to diagnosis years later.

OnlyFannys · 08/12/2022 08:57

I would just go for the afternoon and go home. It sounds like all of his worry and stress is so your partner can have a drink on xmas day, why cant he just wait until you get home (and I say that as someone who would love a drink on xmas day but every year I have to spend the day driving). It does sound like his needs are being prioritised over yours and your childs.

NiceParkingSpotRitaThanksJanet · 08/12/2022 08:59

I can't believe the vote! Definitely not unreasonable. I have a 14 month old who doesn't sleep and can easily go into overtired meltdown mode. Why would you put him and yourself through that when there is an easy solution which still involves seeing your MIL on Christmas day?!

QueenLagertha · 08/12/2022 09:01

I am completely baffled as to why it makes such a difference whether or not you stay over when it's only a 40 minute journey. We live the same distance from in laws and never stay over. Surely one of you won't be drinking anyway OP if your son is so unsettled.

billy1966 · 08/12/2022 09:03

Absolutely go for the day and return to keep the routine OP.

Particularly as it will be YOU who will be left to bear the brunt of the disruption.

Your partner being a sulker is a BIG concern though.

How juvenile.

You also giving up your career too?.

I hope you haven't made yourself very vulnerable with a sulking partner.

NiceParkingSpotRitaThanksJanet · 08/12/2022 09:03

Ah I just read they only live 40 mins away so the staying over is so your partner can drink as you don't drive? Fuck that. Does he value getting pissed over his sons welfare?

QueenLagertha · 08/12/2022 09:03

Sorry I just read your last post that you don't drive and partner wants to drink. Your partner is being a selfish dickhead.

endofthelinefinally · 08/12/2022 09:05

40 minutes is nothing. I would just go home at bed time. No way would I go through a miserable night when it isn't necessary. You can go back for lunch the next day.

TheYummyPatler · 08/12/2022 09:06

I think people have mostly responded to the keeping the routine but, but it’s a different kettle of fish when it’s a young child being assessed for autism. That doesn’t happen without good cause.

it’s a 40 minute drive. There’s no need to stay.

Maybe compromise a bit on timings. The day is going to be wildly out of routine for him anyway, so just accept that nap time at the ILs will be a shit show (one his father can facilitate). But return home for bedtime so you can get some sleep.

Your DH doesn’t get to have fun drinking with his family while you do all the work. That wouldn’t be ok in any circumstances. It’s even less ok with a child with SN.

RandomBanto · 08/12/2022 09:06

UWhatNow · 07/12/2022 23:52

“Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!”

So don’t be a martyr by assigning yourself that role. Tell DH if he wants to stay over then he’s got to play his part in settling junior. I never understand why women make rods for their own backs…

This 100%!! Either you just go for the day (not just the afternoon) or if partner wants to stay over he can deal with his son!

endofthelinefinally · 08/12/2022 09:07

NiceParkingSpotRitaThanksJanet · 08/12/2022 09:03

Ah I just read they only live 40 mins away so the staying over is so your partner can drink as you don't drive? Fuck that. Does he value getting pissed over his sons welfare?

Oh. This is not good.

TopSec · 08/12/2022 09:07

All children, when young, never settle as well in other folks houses, whether they are Grandparents, Aunts etc. You will be there this time so maybe he will sleep better. However, you have already said he's a bad sleeper so I can't see how it matters. Christmas is Christmas - routine goes out of the window for one day - if they want chocolate for breakfast, so be it. If they fill up on chocolate and don't eat their dinner, so be it. I could go on and on but please just try and relax. He will sleep when tired and eat when hungry. Its one day, its not going to affect him long term.

Yousee · 08/12/2022 09:09

I absolutely love that, to some posters, the 20 month old child must cope with the disruption to his routine and his and OP's Christmas being ruined all because his father - a grown man! - can't possibly be expected to change his routine of having a drink on Christmas Day.
What goes on in some peoples minds?