AIBU to cancel Christmas at MIL to keep toddler routine

[HallieM93]

I’m stressed about Christmas Day.

My 20 month old little boy stayed with my parents on Saturday for the night and was an absolute nightmare, he has learned to climb out his travel cot as he’s very tall for his age and only slept for 3 hours. He’s always struggled with new environments and routine changes, and never has been a good sleeper (we’re currently waiting for an autism assessment due to a number of factors with his development)

I felt so guilty on Sunday knowing he kept my mum up all night and that he couldn’t sleep, he was so tired when we picked him up he went to sleep at 9AM and slept until 12:30PM. I went back to work when he was very young at 5 months due to a fantastic opportunity but made the decision to return to being a SAHM in September due to the ongoing autism speculation and just wanting to spend more time with him. I made the decision on Sunday that I don’t want to change his routine or stay out overnight anymore because of this.

our plans were to go to the in-laws on Christmas Day and stay overnight but due to him being able to climb out the travel cot and far too young and excitable to sleep in the bed, I want to change our plans to just an afternoon visit (maybe for dinner?) between his afternoon nap and bedtime so as not to cause any more disruptions to his routine.

Aibu? I feel like my in-laws will be disappointed and my partner will likely sulk, but my main excitement for Christmas is to see my little boy happy and excited and I just think that overtiredness and overstimulation could ruin that for him. Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

But you are sacrificing your own happiness just so he can have a drink. It sounds like a really stressful situation for everyone involved just so he can have a few drinks. I really think the easiest solution here would be he either waits until you get home or drops you off early, his needs shouldnt trump everyone else's (I use the term "needs" very loosely there).

Did the OP say she didn’t want to spend time with family?

Did I say she didn't? No thought not.

You spouted nonsense about her cancelling the event and preached about xmas being a time for family. She is not cancelling the event and she is seeing family. So what was your point?

I can understand OP not wanting to stay over but she is saying she only wants to go for a short time in the afternoon between his nap and bedtime. That's not spending Xmas day with family.

I think you should go as planned but leave in the evening and take him home to bed.

I actually can’t quite comprehend why people are saying you’re being unreasonable, you’re not. Battling your child to sleep isn’t going to be enjoyable for you or him so why would you want that on Christmas Day? You’ll still be there, just not staying. YANBU at all.

Do you have reading and comprehension difficulties? Or do you just like to play make believe and make up scenarios to suit your your own agenda?

YANBU. My oldest was the same. Diagnosed with ASD at 8. We tried to do overnight stays but it was miserable as she wouldn’t sleep and we were all exhausted. We pushed through with the GPs as they are 5 hours away but stopped doing Christmas there after a couple of miserable attempts were I was at my wits end trying to manage an overtired child with no help from the 3 other adults in the house. I lost some friends who I could no longer visit with DC as I couldn’t get her to sleep. I felt like a shit parent through those early years.

Our DD is now 15 and managed her first school trip abroad last week. No sleep at all on the first night but she coped. Unless you have had a child like this it is hard to believe how long they can fight sleep for. The more tired they get the more hyper they get. They will not ‘just fall asleep when they get tired’. You can definitely try to work on both child and you getting used to being away and out if routine but Christmas is not the best time.

You sound so reasonable OP.

I'm sorry things are so hard.

My 4 children all thrived on routine and it made my life easier, so that was EXACTLY what we we did.

We didn't stay over with any family for years.

They never said a word.
Why would they?

As parents it was OUR choice to make, and as I was primary carer for our children it was ME who dealt with the consequences of most sleepless nights.

If possible I think being dropped home would be best and everyone gets to have a nice evening.

I am glad to read he is supportive and you can return to work with ease.

Your little boy needs you well and his needs trumps everyone.

Trying to please other people is very wearing and often futile.

Prioritising yourself as primary carer and your boy, is in your son's best interests.

Wishing you well.

Haven’t commented yet but very much thought yanbu OP.

He has additional needs, and his routine is clearly very important. In those circumstances I would make it just a day visit. It’s not worth it just for the overnight aspect of things.

I really think DP wanting to drink is a non issue. Surely drinking is not so important as to be a factor - wanting to see family I get it, but having to drink at such a cost to a child and to the OP, I don’t get.

OP, your thread has really struck a chord with me. My eldest is 8 now and has only recently been diagnosed with Autism. I knew something wasn't right from early on, but of course everyone reassured me she was fine and I didn't trust my instincts...Anyway, the point is that when I think back to her early childhood what really sticks out is how much energy I expended bending over backwards trying to get her to adapt to situations and environments that didn't work for her in order to please others or not rock the boat, and how much more stressful that made parenting for me. I thought I was a rubbish Mum because other kids seemed to just adapt and mine didn't. So I would 'handle' things like overnights with family at Christmas, not letting on how hard it was, and no one saw the 2-3 day fallout afterwards! I was making life so much more difficult for myself than it needed to be, for the convenience of other adults.

If I could turn back the clock then (aside from seeking an assessment earlier, obviously) I wouldn't put myself or her in those situations. I would learn to say "sorry, that won't work for DD" and explain why, if they don't get it too bad!

So, in your shoes when she was 20 months old I probably would have agreed to the overnight, yes. But 8 years down the road and with the benefit of hindsight, don't make the mistakes I made. It is perfectly fine to just go for the day. It won't kill your DH to wait until you get home that evening to have a drink, he needs to put your child first, and it's fine to say "yes, I understand most children will just crash eventually and sleep later to make up for it but mine isn't one of those children!" and if people didn't like it, so be it!

One thing I've learned from 13 years of parenting - don't be a Christmas martyr.

This with bells on!!

YANBU to want to stay home to keep to routine but when visiting family it will always throw the routine out the window.
I'm visiting family for 5 days, my DC slew will probably be an absolute nightmare because she's so used to sleeping next to me but will have a travel cot. It's going to be a long few days but will be worth it because she'll be seeing family that she only sees a few times a year.
It's one night and your partner will need to do his fair share so it's not all on you.

But OP's in laws only live 40 minutes away. Presumably they see each other frequently. A 40 minute drive is nothing.

How often do you see the in-laws @HallieM93

You are being silly.

It's 40 mins away. Just don't stay overnight

As the mother of 4 adult children I'd say the trouble with trying to please everyone is that you generally end up pleasing no one. Might just be me but that's my experience.

I don't think you've said what your partner thinks, I think you two need to agree a plan and other people have to accept it and work round it.

Hope it goes well.

Yep, and that OP needs to put up with being stressed and miserable on Christmas Day, so that her husband can have a drink.

Manage expectations with your ILs that if it gets too much for LO you will just bail out to avoid spoiling everyones day as he is not even 2.

Plan to come home for early evening, put LO to bed and crack open a bottle of mulled wine. By that time you will be ready for peace and quiet.

I cant believe the number of people on here who would support an overtired/exhausted child ruining Christmas day rather than just go home and stick close to their routine. I dont have autistic children but know exactly what its like when a child is over tired or getting ill and we’ve been at the grandparents. The whole day is wiped out dealing with them so why would anyone want to make Xmas day like that if they almost certainly know its going to happen? The OP knows her child better than anyone.

Theres 365 days in the year so ofcourse they could perhaps do some trial runs staying over another time when nothing else is going on the next day, but why knowingly ruin Xmas day for everyone?

Could you go up early in the day have lunch etc with them and head back having the afternoon nap in the car (if that’s possible). That way you get as much time as possible with your in laws on Christmas Day but then are home for bed etc.

Recommend that you get DH on board with this now if he won’t then you say ok but it’s over to you to get little one to sleep etc.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable - my in-laws are a similar distance away and since kids they don’t expect us to stay over night (they value their sleep and know the kids can be disruptive).

40 minutes??? surely you don't need to stay over if they're 40 mins away? go for the day, and just come home at bedtime?

Why do you need to stay, simply because your DH wants a drink or because they have something planned in the evening?

Sorry - just seen this about the driving.

Don't feel bad, your partner could offer not to drink so you all get to see his family on Christmas day - your problem is you are trying to keep everyone happy and you're going to tie yourself in knots and have a rubbish stressy Christmas yourself. Speak to your partner and ask him to stay sober so you can just come home when your son is ready for bed - even if he goes back and spends Christmas night having a few drinks with his family? there is a workaround, it just means your partner will have to make a few compromises too.

I find it sad that a father can't go without alcohol in order to save a lot of stress and distress for their partner and child. It isn't a big ask. He could easily drop you and DS home in time for bedtime and go back to his DPs.
When ours were little and we visited grandparents 1.5 hours away I used to bath them at GPs after their supper, get them into PJs, wrap them up warm, drive home and put them straight into bed.

No. Little one comes first. Mine have always thrived under good nap and overnight sleep routines - and toddler meltdowns are far more likely when they don't know what to expect next because routine has suddenly gone and they don't understand why. In fact we made it clear we won't travel with ours on Christmas day, primarily because we want an enjoyable day and them to be home with their new toys from us. We see family on day trips on the following days - usually they come here so we keep naptimes in kids own beds. Recently we've had a few bisits out with a late time getting home (near or at bedtime) and its been stressful for kids and us.
Ask any child psychologist or behaviour expert and they'll tell you behaviour is always worse on special days because the routine shifts/there's more chocolate/lots of other people around/etc. Add in potential neurodivergence (when generally those children thrive on more routine, not less), and for me personally it would be a very easy choice to be a day only visit, or grandparents come to us that day or boxing day.

Make the decision that's right for you and DS. And it's not your problem if 'we did whatever and the kids had to fit round it' is thrown at you. Some kids are remarkably easy going and sleep anywhere (including baby me). Some aren't and don't (including my own kids).