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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to cancel Christmas at MIL to keep toddler routine

435 replies

HallieM93 · 07/12/2022 23:43

I’m stressed about Christmas Day.

My 20 month old little boy stayed with my parents on Saturday for the night and was an absolute nightmare, he has learned to climb out his travel cot as he’s very tall for his age and only slept for 3 hours. He’s always struggled with new environments and routine changes, and never has been a good sleeper (we’re currently waiting for an autism assessment due to a number of factors with his development)

I felt so guilty on Sunday knowing he kept my mum up all night and that he couldn’t sleep, he was so tired when we picked him up he went to sleep at 9AM and slept until 12:30PM. I went back to work when he was very young at 5 months due to a fantastic opportunity but made the decision to return to being a SAHM in September due to the ongoing autism speculation and just wanting to spend more time with him. I made the decision on Sunday that I don’t want to change his routine or stay out overnight anymore because of this.

our plans were to go to the in-laws on Christmas Day and stay overnight but due to him being able to climb out the travel cot and far too young and excitable to sleep in the bed, I want to change our plans to just an afternoon visit (maybe for dinner?) between his afternoon nap and bedtime so as not to cause any more disruptions to his routine.

Aibu? I feel like my in-laws will be disappointed and my partner will likely sulk, but my main excitement for Christmas is to see my little boy happy and excited and I just think that overtiredness and overstimulation could ruin that for him. Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

OP posts:

DNBU · 08/12/2022 07:09

Hi OP, I think an afternoon/dinner visit is absolutely fine in your situation. YANBU.

piedbeauty · 08/12/2022 07:18

Yanbu. The hard floor and breakables alone are causes for concern!

You know your child best. Do what's best for them.

And your h should be doing his fair share too.

restorativejustice · 08/12/2022 07:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Singularly nasty and unhelpful comment.

OP, there are some good suggestions here. My DS is autistic, although diagnosed a lot later than 20 months we made a lot of adjustments for him from a young age. I'd imagine if you're there that will make some difference and co-sleeping will help. If you can prepare him in advance that would be good - show him where you will be sleeping and chat about it.

Your saying you will be doing all the work gave me pause for thought - I think you need to discuss the strategy with your DH about making sure your DS is comfortable and doesn't get overstimulated and upset. Even if you'll be settling him, he needs to know what it takes to plan and settle your DS and work with you as a team about it. If your DS is ND your DH needs to be fully on board and able to be an equal parent. I know that sometimes people become so focussed on the child that they forget to include the other parent, or the other parent can feel like they don't fully understand how to handle a ND child - I'm speaking from experience here where I probably honed in on my DS so much that my DH was a bit excluded. All fine now, but best for you both to become experts if possible.

MytummydontjigglejiggleItfolds · 08/12/2022 07:25

Could you dismantle the cot he has at home and take it with you? More familiar and solves the issue of climbing out/causing havoc

Or pick up a second hand one to keep at in laws - explain it will be needed for him to stay over and I'm sure they'd be happy to keep it?

WonderingWanda · 08/12/2022 07:25

I think it's fine if you still plan to go. Just spend the day there and leave in the evening, take toddlera pj's and bath him etc vefore getting in the car. That way if he falls asleep on the way home you can just lift him into bed.

If he can climb out the travel cot can he not climb out of his normal cot? Mine could climb quite fast and we took the sides off the cot and put a stair gate at their door. Took about a week for them to actually go to sleep in the cot rather than on the floor somewhere. Same when we swapped to a proper big bed and got rid of the stair gate it's quite normal for toddlers and small children to not want to stay in bed. It could be worth training him to sleep without his cot sides before Christmas, then you can just take the mattress or an inflatable bed when you go to stay with the inlaws.

MytummydontjigglejiggleItfolds · 08/12/2022 07:25

Could you dismantle the cot he has at home and take it with you? More familiar and solves the issue of climbing out/causing havoc

Or pick up a second hand one to keep at in laws - explain it will be needed for him to stay over and I'm sure they'd be happy to keep it?

ladyvimes · 08/12/2022 07:26

I think a lot of people don’t realise how difficult changes in routine can be for a child with ASD. I think you need to put you and your child first and do whatever is best for them. Just go for the afternoon and then come home or alternatively have them to you.

12345mummy · 08/12/2022 07:30

YANBU. Routines have always come first for us as it keeps everyone (mainly kids) happy and settled esp in the following days. If it’s 40mins away, just come home. Not everyone understands but stand your ground.

zizza · 08/12/2022 07:31

As I see it, the solution really is very simple..... You go for the day and your partner doesn't drink alcohol. His choice - don't see parents on Christmas day or don't drink.

SMrs · 08/12/2022 07:34

YANBU as a mummy to two little
Boys who have always struggled with sleep, I feel your pain. My littlest is just turned three and still napping but can go without now but we've had Xmas dinner at our home each year for this very reason. A tired and grumpy toddler that won't sleep will ruin everyone's day so I would prioritise his routine if you think it will be disrupted. And next year plan to stay home x

Shinyandnew1 · 08/12/2022 07:36

my partner will likely sulk
on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

You saying these things make me wonder how supportive your partner is being!

I would sit down with him and say that based on what he was like, you’re worried about how he will settle at MiL on Christmas night. What do you think he will say?

Flowerfairy101 · 08/12/2022 07:39

I have a non sleeper who is horrific staying anywhere but home. She once got up for the day at 1am staying at my mums. For this reason I won't stay anywhere over Christmas because it'll be hell for me and my partner, none of us will sleep and she'll likely disturb any family we stay with. I don't think YABU, you aren't suggesting to cancel just not do the bit that causes you serious inconvenience and makes Christmas shit for you.

luxxlisbon · 08/12/2022 07:42

What happens at home? I’ve only ever used travel cots that were at least as high as normal cot bars if not higher.

A sleeping bag should make it harder for him to climb too.

Blocked · 08/12/2022 07:46

Like fuck would I be staying over at in laws so everybody can day drink in a house with a 1 year old in it

toomuchlaundry · 08/12/2022 07:46

How supportive is your DH if he won’t agree to not drink on Christmas Day? What happens if your little boy really can’t cope and your DH has been drinking what would you do?

Surely at this stage of your DS’s development and potential diagnosis you take baby steps, so you go to your in-laws which is a break in his routine, he has all the sensory overload that is Christmas, but you don’t add in staying over to add to even more changes in his routine.

It’s not like they live so far away you won’t be seeing them for months. And if they don’t really understand about his possible diagnosis and can’t imagine they will be very understanding if they have a screaming toddler in their house all night

saraclara · 08/12/2022 07:47

Morph22010 · 08/12/2022 03:20

Are your children all autistic as well?

Show quote history

I've already answered this. One is

HeadNorth · 08/12/2022 07:48

To me it is obvious your DH should forgo a drink and you should just visit for the day. xmas is about more than alcohol and he can always have a glass of wine when he gets home and you have both settled your wee boy. I can't believe his wife and child have to be massively inconvenienced because he can't skip the booze for a few hours.

SHNBV · 08/12/2022 07:49

My daughters neurodivergent. The first time we went in holiday, which was around your child’s age, she hardly slept a wink. Not long after she started to sleep at relatives and she slept through the night. We also no longer have problems on holiday. One bad experience doesn’t mean he’s always going to struggle.

Havent you sleep out and had times we’re you were a sound sleeper and other times where you’ve towed and turned all night?

Have you considered this is more about your need for control during a stressful time rather than your sons needs?

toomuchlaundry · 08/12/2022 07:54

@SHNBV isn’t there a saying once you have met one child with autism you have met one child with autism. What works for your child might not work for OP’s

Geneticsbunny · 08/12/2022 07:55

I have a disabled child who is also neurodiverse. Do what is best for your family and by that i mean you, your partner and your son. However we have alway used the , "we will try it and can always cut it short and come home" approach and I am certain that my son is more able to cope with changes as a result. Obviously I would never put him under due stress and if he isn't coping we we will immediately change to something we know he can manage better. If you want to be able to take him to stay at you parents overnight in the future, every time you take him now, even if he isn't sleeping over, will make the situation more familiar and less stressful for him. Children with additional needs can need to do something new a lot more times that nt kids before they get used to it.

If you never do things because you don't want to have an unbroken night, you will end up not being able to go on holidays, or stay with your mum and dad and probably lots of other stuff. If at the moment your stress levels are too high, do not do it (your wellbeing should always be the most important thing) but make sure you go after Christmas and stay over instead. Don't cancel it completely.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 08/12/2022 07:57

It might be worth having a trial run using some of the ideas on here before Christmas op.......and I'm really sad to see such ignorant comments about Autism in young children, my own Ds was that obvious too. I knew he had Autism from a very early age, he also had the development delays that can run alongside that and we had his diagnosis not long after he turned 2. This was under the NHS almost 20 years ago.

Like all children, children who have Autism are all different, some are showing signs from a few months old.......happily my little baby who was so traumatised and distressed by the world around him from birth, the stimming, self harming whirlwind who got such an early diagnosis is now a lovely young man. He will need care for the rest of his life but he learned how to speak aged 5, he makes me a cup of tea most mornings and made progress I never thought possible. This is all down to early intervention, being on the ball and getting him onto the right path to successfully manage his Autism from such an early age.

But no, we wouldn't have been able to manage an overnight stay at that age. In fact I wouldn't have put my ds through it......hell even birthday parties would be a show our face and leave affair (( he now loves parties )) but it paid off. Yes the early days were hard work and it was crap feeling like we were missing out but it was also crucial in supporting our sons needs until he was ready and had the tools to understand and cope with changes.

Funkyblues101 · 08/12/2022 07:58

I'd tell them what you WANT to do, tell all of them whilst you are together. When/if they whinge, state that you are willing to go to them overnight but will NOT deal with naps/bedtimes, you will instead enjoy a lovely relaxed day with wine. Then on the day you absolutely stick to it. Zone out and relax.

Mamma5464 · 08/12/2022 08:16

Parent to autistic child too. I'm finding it gets harder as they get older. It's fine to say no. You do not have to just suck it up and get on with it just because it's Christmas. Do what's best for your kid and you. Teach your kid to prioritise his own needs and he doesn't have to bend to others because "it's one day, because it's Christmas". Your DH and ILs may be disappointed but you're already spending time a reasonable amount of them, that should be enough.

Hellybelly84 · 08/12/2022 08:22

YANBU Young kids needs come first. End of. You are still seeing them and the majority of my friends who live near family only see them in the day (dont stay over). Explain to them honestly how it was at your parents, explain its making you stressed and you would prefer him not to be an over tired, nightmare for them. Im sure they will understand and if they dont, tough! Its your Christmas and your child.

Needaholidaypronto · 08/12/2022 08:27

loopyloutoo · 07/12/2022 23:49

YABU - It's one day. Get on with it.

This. It’s not all about a toddler, sometimes family (all of it) needs considered, get your DH to step up and help, it’s his parents after all. YABU.

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