Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cancel Christmas at MIL to keep toddler routine

435 replies

HallieM93 · 07/12/2022 23:43

I’m stressed about Christmas Day.

My 20 month old little boy stayed with my parents on Saturday for the night and was an absolute nightmare, he has learned to climb out his travel cot as he’s very tall for his age and only slept for 3 hours. He’s always struggled with new environments and routine changes, and never has been a good sleeper (we’re currently waiting for an autism assessment due to a number of factors with his development)

I felt so guilty on Sunday knowing he kept my mum up all night and that he couldn’t sleep, he was so tired when we picked him up he went to sleep at 9AM and slept until 12:30PM. I went back to work when he was very young at 5 months due to a fantastic opportunity but made the decision to return to being a SAHM in September due to the ongoing autism speculation and just wanting to spend more time with him. I made the decision on Sunday that I don’t want to change his routine or stay out overnight anymore because of this.

our plans were to go to the in-laws on Christmas Day and stay overnight but due to him being able to climb out the travel cot and far too young and excitable to sleep in the bed, I want to change our plans to just an afternoon visit (maybe for dinner?) between his afternoon nap and bedtime so as not to cause any more disruptions to his routine.

Aibu? I feel like my in-laws will be disappointed and my partner will likely sulk, but my main excitement for Christmas is to see my little boy happy and excited and I just think that overtiredness and overstimulation could ruin that for him. Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

OP posts:
Statusunknown · 08/12/2022 23:05

Yes.

Yes you are.

Its Christmas ffs. Are you really expecting a child to follow the normal nap time routine 🤣🤣🤣

Statusunknown · 08/12/2022 23:07

Also when did 20 month olds get autism assessments?

toomuchlaundry · 09/12/2022 00:01

Are you talking about anything you know about @Statusunknown

saraclara · 09/12/2022 00:06

Statusunknown · 08/12/2022 23:07

Also when did 20 month olds get autism assessments?

For some time, if they show significant delay in specific areas. With increased awareness and knowledge of autism, children are getting assessed earlier and earlier. It's a very good thing.

My DD's friend's son was around 15 months when he was first started being assessed. And he's been having specialist support from SALT etc since he was 18 months.

JFDIYOLO · 09/12/2022 00:40

YABU. Set out to everyone that you need help. And have Christmas with family and be assertive about asking for help. Your OH gets to do Christmas with his family, they see DGC, they see what life is like for you and that you are being honest when you say you need help.

TooBusyGazingAtStarss · 09/12/2022 01:07

christmastime11 · 08/12/2022 00:01

YANBU. I think most people who are saying you are don't have a toddler who's a bad sleeper and thrives from routine. It's easy to say it's just one day but ime it can throw off everything for a week or so. It's not like you're suggesting not going- I don't think it should be an issue.
It's easy for your DH and in laws to sulk- but they're not the stay at home parent who has to deal with the conveniences.

This. 100% agree.

TashAnonymous123 · 09/12/2022 05:26

Do what is best for you and your family. You should not feel like you have to do it just to please them, least they will still be getting a visit. Christmas arrangements can be too much at a young age regardless. My 7 month old has stayed at my in laws twice in a travel cot and both times has woke in the night for hours as in a new environment and just doesn’t feel worth going if we all have a disturbed night.
If you go and stay it might be expected every year so stand your ground now and do what you think you need to do to ensure you have a good time at Christmas.

MrsThimbles · 09/12/2022 05:27

toomuchlaundry · 08/12/2022 14:55

Not a very supportive DH then @Blueeyedgirl21

As I have stated above if I was the granny in this situation I would be bending over backwards to ensure my grandchild had a good Christmas and if that meant them not staying the night then so be it. And if it was my DH in this situation he would be going without a drink

It's not like they live hundreds of miles away and you can only see them once a year

I have a feeling that the family staying over for Christmas is now seen by the paternal grandparents as something that must happen because the DG stayed at the maternal grandparents recently. It’s a competition and a sign of things to come.

MrsThimbles · 09/12/2022 05:29

Statusunknown · 08/12/2022 23:07

Also when did 20 month olds get autism assessments?

There there dear, we’ve noticed you.

Flamingflames · 09/12/2022 05:39

I don’t officially have a neurodiverse child (but have my suspicions) but I had one that didn’t sleep when they were younger and sleeping over at people’s was horrendous. We did do it to keep everyone happy, although the hosts always looked shit the next day from being kept awake half the night and then woken at 5am! If you can handle the sulkiness then do what you want to do but if you would rather keep the peace then perhaps try and get through a night at in laws. I would put your foot down with DH and say he needs to look after him too. It’s so important that you learn to ask for support and that you can step back to have some time for yourself and that your son gets used to being looked after by dad. It will really benefit all of you ask he gets older.

stayathomer · 09/12/2022 05:53

As someone who lost out in a lot of moments over the years because I thought it would be easier to do things x way (and yes at the time we thought son had as as it’s in the family), I’d say talk to your dh and the in laws and plan with them. I used to get irritated with people using the word martyr on mn but my god I was one of them and then I’m pretty sure I’d use it against dh after, and he probably would have helped had he known! All routines go out the window at Christmas but with managing it won’t come close to the scenario your dm had, especially as you will all be ready for it. I missed friend’s weddings, family meet ups and Christmases until I saw the light and started talking to people more and letting them know we needed help (Ps I know it’s so difficult!!)

Original poster
HallieM93 · 09/12/2022 07:16

Statusunknown · 08/12/2022 23:07

Also when did 20 month olds get autism assessments?

I put this thread up for genuine advice which there has been some great and supportive tips and comments, and I have ignored so many stupid comments about this as I’m genuinely so shocked that there are other MOTHERS out there that would even comment on the suspected autism part of the thread in a negative way or questioning. It’s hard enough being a mother, and if you go onto a forum to ask for advice it’s because you genuinely want it, it’s not an opening for random people to question something so sensitive. Grow up.

OP posts:
Nodancingshoes · 09/12/2022 07:25

I get your worry but, honestly, YABU. I wouldn't battle for hours for the nap, just let him stay up and fall asleep on the sofa or in bed with you. It's just one night. Neither of mine were good sleepers but were much much better when we were out and about or at other people's houses where the routine didnt need to be stuck to. If he is a nightmare at least there are 3 other adults to help you with him!

MrsLavs · 09/12/2022 11:04

waterrat · 08/12/2022 00:07

Hi. I have an autistic child and I completely understand you op. If people dont they are not properly understanding your situation

I have learnt to to say no to situations that will overwhelm my child. That is sometimes diffocult for other people to understand.

Speak to your in laws and explain that it will be miserable for you and your child if they are overwhelmed by the day and you are following his needs.

As the parent of a neurodiverse child you have a lifetimr ahead of people not understanding your childs needs so dont ever feel embarassed about putting them first

Exactly this - for all those saying it'll be fine, as an ND parent, please...please stop. I'm sure some of you have ND children yourself or "know someone who is" 🙄but if you've met one child with additional needs, you've only met one child with additional needs.

Alice786 · 09/12/2022 11:18

I think you have to do what you feel is best for you and your child as you are the one who has to deal with it, don't feel bad about it, he is your priority, also 40 minutes is not too far to drive back home. On another note if he can climb out of the cot it's probably safer to change to a low toddler bed with sidebars so he doesn't fall out when trying to climb out, slowly he will adjust to the change. Xx

Lcb123 · 09/12/2022 11:21

YABU-surely if he struggles with being away, best to do it more often so he can get used to it.

Starlight86 · 09/12/2022 11:31

OP its hard isnt it, we have 3 young children and we used to do year about at out parents for dinner then year about for the night time.

It meant kids were rushing to open their presents and then we were out the door all day and night.

3 years ago we decided to host it in ours and have never looked back, yes it means i have 20 people on xmas day but I absolutely love it, the kids are so much happier and we have an amazing day, there is something to be said about getting into your own bed after a busy manic day.

I know this year the plans are made, but next year have it in yours, invite who you want to come and i honestly know you will feel much more happier and relaxed as will your son x

banananas1978 · 09/12/2022 11:35

Cosleep on the same bed

ns87 · 09/12/2022 11:39

Could you have Christmas at yours?

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 09/12/2022 11:41

@HallieM93 He will help out for sure but as I am with my son all day, every day- he naturally settles better with me anyway.

I would suggest you get DS used to his dad settling him. My DS is also waiting for assessment at 9 years old - he won't go to sleep on his own, will only go to sleep if I'm there and bedtime can take up to 4 hours - from 8pm-midnight. I have no evening, no hobbies, barely get time to read a book. I really wish we'd maintained DH taking him up alternate nights.

Morph22010 · 09/12/2022 12:55

Lcb123 · 09/12/2022 11:21

YABU-surely if he struggles with being away, best to do it more often so he can get used to it.

And Christmas with all the extra added pressure is a good time to start ?

Tessabelle74 · 09/12/2022 17:52

No way will you get an autism diagnosis at 20 months. Sleep issues are common as they get older due to brain development. I think you should go for Christmas, it's not realistic to live your life around a child's routine

EatAllDay · 09/12/2022 17:54

It’s one day. Suck it up

Insertcreativenamehere · 09/12/2022 17:57

You are being completely unreasonable!!

angela99999 · 09/12/2022 17:59

Why don't you simply talk to your in-laws about it and tell them what happened? They may prefer to see you and put up with a bad night. Or they may prefer to come and see you another time.
Sorry, haven't read all the posts, but could you just visit?