AIBU to cancel Christmas at MIL to keep toddler routine

[HallieM93]

I’m stressed about Christmas Day.

My 20 month old little boy stayed with my parents on Saturday for the night and was an absolute nightmare, he has learned to climb out his travel cot as he’s very tall for his age and only slept for 3 hours. He’s always struggled with new environments and routine changes, and never has been a good sleeper (we’re currently waiting for an autism assessment due to a number of factors with his development)

I felt so guilty on Sunday knowing he kept my mum up all night and that he couldn’t sleep, he was so tired when we picked him up he went to sleep at 9AM and slept until 12:30PM. I went back to work when he was very young at 5 months due to a fantastic opportunity but made the decision to return to being a SAHM in September due to the ongoing autism speculation and just wanting to spend more time with him. I made the decision on Sunday that I don’t want to change his routine or stay out overnight anymore because of this.

our plans were to go to the in-laws on Christmas Day and stay overnight but due to him being able to climb out the travel cot and far too young and excitable to sleep in the bed, I want to change our plans to just an afternoon visit (maybe for dinner?) between his afternoon nap and bedtime so as not to cause any more disruptions to his routine.

Aibu? I feel like my in-laws will be disappointed and my partner will likely sulk, but my main excitement for Christmas is to see my little boy happy and excited and I just think that overtiredness and overstimulation could ruin that for him. Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

Thank you all 😀 I’ve texted MIL asking if she’s happy to move breakables out of the bedroom and let her know we could all be in for a rough night if he won’t settle but that I don’t mind the lack of sleep myself, if she’s happy to do this I’ll get the bed guard ordered and problem solved, (for the day lol)

Why are you ignoring everyone suggesting you just stay for the day which would be the kindest thing for your DC? It’s not like you are miles away from. I assume you also won’t be spending much time with them in the evening as will be trying to settle your DS.

I would like to think if I was the granny in this situation I would be saying to you to spend the night at home if it will upset your DS’s routine. I would hate to be the reason that my DS would be unsettled

We found that ours be of ours wouldn't settle in the travel cot, she told us later it was too claustrophobic. She's on the spectrum. We bought one of those blowup beds that has a sleeping bag attached. If you could get one with a character he likes on it it may help

Sounds like you have a good plan, OP. I hope he manages better than you think. Letting MIL know that she might have a broken night means that she can't complain (not saying she would, but it's always best to warn people), and she might have an idea herself, or be open to you going back once she realises that there's a downside to you staying over.

I think you (and family) do have to adapt Christmas Day when there are little ones involved because it is no fun dealing with over-stimulated babies and toddlers. We have found it much easier doing Christmas Day at our house and working to a routine that suits the children. One of mine doesn’t sleep if she’s over-tired. She goes completely manic and climbs the walls before screaming and crying. She’s been like that since she was a baby. The other one copes much better staying up later.

When they were smaller, we’d often pay the price for a weekend away and being out of routine. But, that price was worth being with family etc. You are lucky to only be 40 mins away so you can find a compromise that will work going forwards.

@toomuchlaundry she’s not ignoring it she’s said that she isn’t driving at the moment (assuming medical thing?) and her dp wants to drink with his parents so he won’t be able to drive them back

Not a very supportive DH then @Blueeyedgirl21

As I have stated above if I was the granny in this situation I would be bending over backwards to ensure my grandchild had a good Christmas and if that meant them not staying the night then so be it. And if it was my DH in this situation he would be going without a drink

It's not like they live hundreds of miles away and you can only see them once a year

That's awful, did you ever say anything to H,@Beamur ?

I really don’t mind doing all the running around and taking care of him, I won’t be drinking anyway so if I could drive it wouldn’t be a problem.

Why don't you mind, OP? Why not make DH do his fair share?

I have autism but I wasn't diagnosed until last year. It will be so helpful for you and him to know so early on in is life. If you thinking will be too much for him please don't put him through it.

I just don’t think it should be a competition, we’re fortunate that we have the financial means for me to be a SAHM thanks to DH working hard. As I mentioned, I can’t drive so I do feel bad that would mean he couldn’t have a drink with his family on Christmas Day as we won’t be doing the rounds again for a while and we spent last year with my family.

He will help out for sure but as I am with my son all day, every day- he naturally settles better with me anyway.

the whole point in the thread was to get advice on what to do as I’m trying to juggle everyone’s wants and needs for the day and I have come away with some great tips , DH won’t drink until later in the evening, MIL has said she will move anything breakable and I will buy a bed guard to stop him rolling out when he does eventually sleep. My ground rules are that we will be heading over after his lunch time nap so he is well rested for the day and I will be taking lots of familiar items from home like his sensory lights and that DH just has a few drinks so he can jump in to support if I need a break.

it is only one day as people have mentioned and it’s mainly my mum guilt when he’s overstimulated and overtired that would prevent me from staying, not that I can’t cope with the hard work. If it goes badly the whole house will know about it that’s for sure and we won’t have to have any push back when setting boundaries later down the line xx

Op make this the last year your taking lo out the house on Christmas day. Next year stay home invite parents to you.

How often does DH see his parents bearing in mind they don't live that far away? 40 minutes is the equivalent of DS's college commute or our work commute. Do they come and see you?

Surely it is nothing to do with mum guilt but actual parenting to try and put him in situations where he won't be upset or overstimulated. It's nothing about the workload on you, and on a non-work day that load should be split fairly between parents. You seem to think you have to do everything. Will you be drinking?

I don't know. I do wonder what happens when not everything is so child-centred, which will happen sooner or later.

I know children who will just fall asleep anywhere and sleep through almost anything, and others for whom the slightest creak of an unfamiliar floorboard has them awake and howling for hours. Autistic and NT included in both groups btw.

They don’t come to visit often as they don’t like the drive x

Christmas full stop is over stimulating. I think you need to change your view of the situation and rather than see it as an issue see it as an opportunity, think of the number of hands you could have to help you deal with any situations.

Equally if you don’t want to change his routine then ask everyone to come to yours for Christmas instead.

40 mins!! Definitely go there and don't stay!
Who can relax knowing you will be up all night unable to contain him??

@Dinoteeth that’s the plan for sure xx

@toomuchlaundry no I won’t be drinking, which is fine as next year will be our year at home and he will be nearly 3 then and we can make our own traditions and have people visit us and life will be much easier that way 😂

Change your plans, the grown ups can get on with coping. And don't spend another moment feeliguilty about your mum missing few hours of sleep, it was your son that was unsettled and over tired away from home.

@jux I would be working on a gradual building up programme. So if DS struggled to cope with being in a different house, over stimulated by Christmas and struggled to sleep in another house/bed, I wouldn't be doing all 3 things at once to start with as you are setting them up to fail. So get them used to visiting grandparents, so hopefully the next thing to get used to is Christmas. Then work on sleeping there, so fingers crossed he would start to be happy to sleep there with parents, and then start working on possible sleepovers without mum and dad. But it would be a gradual process. And with these grandparents not living that far away it is easier to do things in chunks. If they lived 5 hours away, it would be more tricky

Another autistic parent here and couldn't put it better.
Do what is right for your child first and foremost. I am sure your in-laws will understand once you have explained your reasons.

You are definitely nor being unreasonable. As a mother of 2 autistic children I know how much routine is very much needed even as a toddler. It's not like it just throws them out for that day it lasts days sometimes a week or more. My son was throwing himself over the top of his cot at 11.5mths so had to put him in a toddler bed as the falls could of seriously injured him. At other people's houses the bedrooms were toddler proofed. If your toddler is anything like my autistic 2yr old she puts everything in her mouth too eldest wasn't like that lol. They're so different. I would explain the reasons and until our son was diagnosed my hubby used to kick off thinking I was babying him etc but once the psychologist and speech and language theerapists wrote their reports he understood more and he's a stickler for their routine more than I am x

I’ve been in this situation with my twin babies. It’s not nice.

you can still go and have a nice time but come home when you need to. Not nice when everyone else is relaxing and you’re left to it.

Its your Christmas too!

Try and get the best of both. Maybe let toddler have a longer nap earlier so you have more of your afternoon with the in laws?