To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

You flounced ages ago, but you're still here, you must gain some benefit from being so heated for so long. You couldn't manage to stay out of drama on the day and you couldn't manage to stay out of it for less than an hour with a bunch of strangers online

Also. With regard to this bollocks.

I'm allowed to "step away" from my own thread for 5 minutes, or 5 fucking years. You don't get to dictate what length of break I deem fit from engaging with my own thread about my own life. Incidentally, how exactly does this thread about a stranger's life affect you personally, @Wallstick ? 🤔

Christ this thread is a shit show.

I just want to say that at 16 my children's commitments were their own. The default was they sorted themselves out (this wasn't decades ago one is still in their teens) and lifts etc were a bonus or specifically prearrange.

Now my kids are similar ages so we didn't have to navigate a big age gap like OP... but I have a similar age gap with my sibling and growing up I understood that in the above scenario my sibling not having to sit in a car and have their routine ruined would have priority over me getting a lift. Not because I was loved less but because I had once been 5 and those things were prioritised for me. I still whined and moaned, of course, because I was a teen. Again it's slightly different as me and much younger sibling shared both parents so that element wasn't there. Overall though OP is correct to be annoyed at them all.

She doesn't know what sort of appointment it is and has assumed it is work related.*

You're right, and didn't know this..... Because did not read the full thread !!!! (Bangs head yet again off the wall).

This was clarified. The info was there to be read. She couldn't be arsed. Then you jumped to her defence. Now you're tying yourself up in knots to prove you're right to defend someone who couldn't be arsed to read the facts first before they posted.

Embarrassing.

Christ this thread is a shit show.

🤣🤣🤣

45 mins was really not a long time to have to wait, yes a pain but we all have had to do it, that’s life. I wouldn’t want my DD getting a bus in the dark and cold when I was in a position to pick her up, your DH was being mean and inflexible. As to involving you, the joys of being a mum I am afraid.

It wasn't in the dark. Well lit city area. And if the cold was so dreadful, presumably she wouldn't have been playing football outside. What on earth is wrong with a 16 year old taking a bus journey?

When I was 16 I did a one hour plus commute to school every day, including either a 10 minute walk to a bus stop or a 30 walk to an underground station. Naturally that involved travelling in the cold and dark. Literally hundreds of thousands of teenagers do something similar, and survive. I really tremble for the children of some Mumsnetters, that cotton wool must be suffocating.

Right.

It’s dark and cold. It’s late-fall in the UK, pretty much everywhere is by 5 pm, not a new thing and they would have already been playing as the sunset.

The DD should have been a priority. The DD has been a priority for likely a decade including when she was the same age as her sibling yet one-off day where she has to take the bus resorts into dramatics.

I also doubt that she called right away when she found out the time the game was likely to end. Secondary gets out of school between 3pm-3:30 depending where you are , so wouldn’t she had learned after school when she headed over that things had changed or even mentioned before school ended when she saw her teammates. If it’s a school game, wouldn’t it even have been announced for students who planned to attend the game?

Glad the whole thing is sorted though despite some poster making out the DD has been traumatised by a one -off and all teenagers are dramatic.

As to involving you, the joys of being a mum I am afraid

Sorry but I find this a little patronising. I know what being a mum entails, I've been doing this gig for over 16 years now.

I still don't think it was at all necessary to involve me - my DH is a perfectly competent parent and stepparent. Dragging me into in my last (very busy) hour of work at the end of a 10 hour day was absolutely not warranted, just because "I'm a mum".

Also. Do we ever hear anyone say "joys of being a Dad I'm afraid" 🤷‍♀️ nope. Do I call him at work with my parenting dilemmas? No. If it was an emergency or if either of the DC were unwell and I needed him, yes I'd call. But to call him and say "DD is being a pain in the arse so now I'm changing my plan and doing x instead of y". How ridiculous. What would be the point of that? What's he going to do about it at work? I don't need to authorise every parenting decision and it weighs me down mentally to have me do this. It's why so many mums burn out and funnily enough, dads not so much.

So no, it's not the joys of being a mum. When my children are with their other competent parent and I am working, he should resolve any minor issues like that himself as far as I'm concerned. Just like I do, multiple times a week.

@teenagestress tbh I think your getting a lot of slack for two things.

You didn't automatically leave your DH (a step parent aka the meanest people on earth) because your teenager had a strop.

And you committed the second mn cardinal sin of having a child with that step parent and mentioned that child had needs.

People dislike sp but also anyone that defends them. Esp on this board.

I'm a mum btw too - before anyone lynches me

@hourbyhour101

That makes sense. Imagine living your life with that level of bitterness and resentment towards others' situations. Must be exhausting.

So clearly your issue should be with your H who i am assuming is an grown man?

He should have sorted the issue without him, then your daughter having to call you.