To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

Shame you haven't been pointing out other crappy things said. I doubt your intentions are good as I think you'd call out other mean spirited comments too.

I wonder why you don't? And also... Who's assuming and being PA and judgemental now?

Ok. I am going to leave her now, your past situations are clearly clouding your judgement. You need to stop thinking that your experiences are everyone's.

Get therapy, never mind advising others too.

Honestly, you will never be happy, if you cannot move on.

*here

It's not me that struggles to have a sensible conversation or gets triggered when someone asks a question or disagrees with OP.

I'm also not a hypocrite like you - being judgy and PA but calling people out on it (?).

I think you're just upset that I didn't get wound up, but I'm sure you'll get over it.

For Christ's sake, give it a rest

😂

Can only think of one reason you're refusing to address it but go on.

@Miajk

What like.... being in a meeting? And also not wanting to get into even more of the ins and outs of my life with a stranger online just because they demand answers from me?

There's your reasons.

Not that I owe or anyone any more of an explanation, but yes, her feelings were acknowledged, as were mine, and yes our relationship is perfectly intact. She realises now how she can handle such situations differently in future. So we are all good.

Cheers for your concern though.

Agreed.

You don't owe anyone anything but that's a pretty big part of the picture and you posted on AIBU to ask for opinions.

Glad you had a resolution and that you took your DDs feelings into account - not everyone would and I think many comments were just trying to highlight that it's important to do so.

This thread is batshit. It should be preserved for posterity, frankly. It's the perfect example of MNers making up their own stories around a perfectly clear situation and making a fantasy megathread out of them.

@Miajk asking a question is one thing, repeatedly asking the same question over and over and saying if op doesn't respond it means something nefarious about her or people can draw judgements from her not answer your question* is odd.*

If a op doesn't want to answer, she doesn't have to answer as she doesn't owe anyone anything.

You mean asking it once and reiterating it once is "over and over again?

If someone has the time to respond to everything but not address one specific thing then yeah it makes you wonder why.

What's the point of having AIBU really if some comments said clearly they think OP is BU & DD has a point, but any comment disagreeing (even very respectful ones) is responded to with: you're projecting, OP owes you nothing, you're making things up. I think what's odd is the total denial that some people might just have a different opinion.

Yes for sure kids should be taught that the world doesn’t revolve around them. But it isn’t as black and white as that. A toddler naturally takes up a lot more time and attention, I’m sure the 16 year old naturally has had a lot of lessons in not having the world revolve around her just by a baby coming along just as she became a teenager.

its difficult for older children to not feel less important, then add the fact that she is the step child. It’s very easy for her to end up feeling less loved and less important. Which ultimately will impact her relationship with her younger sibling in the long run.

This occasion was such a simple opportunity for her to be shown that she is important. Dad was already there. He shouldn’t even have considered driving home. He can be a bit annoyed but waiting half hour for his older child to make her happy and ensure she’ll get home safe? Really as a parent it’s not a big deal, especially as HE WAS ALREADY THERE.

also. There was zero need for him to contact mum. He knew he was being out of order. That’s why he messaged mum. So mum could back him up and take the burden of choice off him.

lastly. a toddler is also not too young to learn that the world doesn't evolve around them.

You think that's appropriate communication from a child who is 2 years from adulthood?

Take a look at some of the adults around here, and your question is answered.

a toddler is also not too young to learn that the world doesn't evolve around them.

I massively disagree. A 1.5 year old has neither the emotional regulation ability nor the cognitive reasoning ability to grasp this concept. They wouldn't even understand "just one minute please". At 2.5/3? Maybe. But she's literally a baby. So her needs demand more hands on engagement and instant responding, as she doesn't understand anything else.

Nah I disagree with this, you cannot possibly tend to a baby / toddler’s needs immediately. My children understood “wait one minute / moment / I’ll be with you in a second” from a young age. Of course, it doesn’t always work and sometimes they’re hanging off your leg but it’s certainly not an impossible concept to grasp

@ShirleyPhallus

From a cognitive developmental point of view, it's not possible for a 1 year old to actually understand what "what a moment" means. Nor is it possible for them to understand "we now have to wait 45 min for your sister so let's find a fun game to play". Etc. A year or so older, possibly. She's a baby and you can't explain things to her in that way. She knows specific words and recognises and names objects, but she doesn't have the cognitive ability to understand anything more complex.

*wait a moment

Of course there are times when there's no choice if you can't physically attend to them straight away, so they might need to wait, but that doesn't mean they understand why or that you intend to meet their needs imminently etc.

@Miajk

you're projecting, "OP owes you nothing", you're making things up.

Odd that you would say I'm making things up because the only thing I said to you above is in brackets. The rest is you. Ironically

I never mentioned projecting... or said you were making things up.

I said that because this thread has gotten to a massive size, (logically) thinking the op would answer your questions specifically and drawing a conclusion of her "avoiding" your questions more about your own thought process on the whole thing and isn't how the internet works... Which is interesting.

Needless to say I think everything in this thread isn't showing humanity at its best light.

The literal thread is about two humans who made a little thing bigger and ironically that's what this thread has turned into. Calling op Cnut and suggesting that she doesn't communicate with her Dd and there's some underlying massive thing is a over step iMO.

But alas mn give mind disagrees and that's ok.

But this area aibu isn't a place where people are owed answers to a question. Op included.

Lots of 16 year old’s (and kids much younger) don’t have a parent with a car to collect them or their parents work late and can’t for that reason so they have to use buses, cycle or walk to get around. A car isn’t a human right, it’s actually a privilege so it could be a massive learning curve for her really. Maybe next year she can learn to drive if you can afford it so she can ferry herself to football.

I think DH was right and I also don’t think you needed to be dragged into it although I understand why your DD did because kids always do this sort of thing.

Maybe next year she can learn to drive if you can afford it so she can ferry herself to football.

This is the plan!

Saying teenagers are prone to overreacting isn't having low expectations, it's just being realistic. 🙄

Lots of 16 year old’s (and kids much younger) don’t have a parent with a car to collect them or their parents work late and can’t for that reason so they have to use buses, cycle or walk to get around. A car isn’t a human right, it’s actually a privilege so it could be a massive learning curve for her really.

I wish more people understood this. Also, will add that many parents can’t afford to get their teenagers a car or is there a relative that can simply give or loan them one so those teens understand that they have to make due other ways without a car if they want to do after school activities.

OP, I would stop even replying to the ridiculous comments on this thread. One of my favorites being the baby has to learn the 'world doesn't revolve around them,' but apparently it does revolve around the 16 yr old.

Some news story came up on my news feed the other day that a survey of young people revealed 1 in 4 young people don't ever intend to get a job, based on this thread I can see why. You live in a city it's perfectly normal for secondary kids to get the bus all year round!

Trust yourself that you are making the right decisions to raise an independent, responsible and self aware daughter.