To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

DD should have messaged SD at the start of the match not half time, then he wouldn't have had to wait for 45 minutes .... consideration for others is a tough life lesson when your cold and waiting at a bus stop.

I'm really surprised that so many people think it's a huge hardship for a 16 year old to walk 10 minutes and catch a bus. Yes it was dark but it gets dark at 4pm throughout winter. Do 16 year olds need to be chauffeured around every day from 4pm when there's perfectly adequate public transport options? When I was 16 I was travelling all over the place on my own - getting trains, buses, coaches all over the UK, walking home from after school activities in the dark. Is it really so shocking that a 16 year old walk 10 minutes in the dark? I fear this generation is being wrapped up in cotton wool! Do they have no independence?

In whalesong's defence it is weird that this (paraphrased, I'm not looking it all up) interaction happened:

OP: DH looked after baby all day, said he might be late because of baby tea time and had to get baby back for baby's bath routine
PP: as a one off DH and baby could have watched the end of the match, baby might have liked it
OP: DH couldn't watch the match because he had an appointment
PP: how does he have an appointment and baby bath routine?
OP: that's not what I said, his appointment isn't relevant, don't gaslight me.

@Wallstick

The appointment was before the match kick off not afterwards. It was the reason he had no intention of being there for the original kick off time, which would have been 3/3.30 ish given the plan for a 5pm finish. Thus, it was my reply to a pp who asked "why didn't he just watch the entire match and show some support?" Answer: he couldn't due to the appointment that overlapped with the kick off time.

Are we understanding yet?

Any more for anymore with their attempts to pick holes? Tbh it's getting a bit boring repeating myself and this is really, really basic comprehension, too. All it requires is reading. 🤷‍♀️

So @Wallstick

That interaction you describe, which you have inaccurately paraphrased, in fact did not happen at all. Hth.

No it doesn't help. It was suggested he and baby could watch the end of the match. I'm not picking holes, I just see you're having difficulty understanding whalesong's questions.

PP: as a one off DH and baby could have watched the end of the match, baby might have liked it
OP: DH couldn't watch the match because he had an appointment

Here, @wallstick, you conflate two different interactions that happened on this thread.

It was indeed suggested that DH should have stayed as he was almost at the school, wrapped baby up and remained there 5-5,45 to watch the end of the match. To which I responded it would have been difficult for him to keep baby occupied and I didn't feel it fair as it was last minute change of plan so he wasn't prepared, ie no hat / gloves etc.

It was separately suggested by another pp that DH was being unsupportive by not just being there for the entire match, from start to finish, as opposed to just collecting DD at 5pm. To which I responded that he couldn't have done this due to his prior appointment, which overlapped with what was the original kick off time, ie 3/3.30pm.

So you are pairing together two quotes here that did not go together.

And, finally: the point about "his appointment isn't relevant" was yet another separate interaction with an entirely different pp, who suggested I had drip fed about the appointment and why wasn't it in my OP. To which I responded, well, it wasn't relevant to be included in my OP because it was a later response to a separate query about why he wasn't there for the duration of the game (see above for that query!).

So in actual fact, what you have done is pair together three quotes, that were part of separate discussions with different pps, about different things, and fabricated your own narrative about this "interaction" which you have "paraphrased" (aka invented completely🙄).

Fascinating.

And tbc it has been suggested he watch the match a few different ways, but has been answered only with he had an appointment he was never going to watch it. Yes, from kick off. Nothing to do with when he would have arrived. I understand pps confusion about this.

My recent post a should clarify it for you.

There were two separate queries. One about staying for the end of the match, and one about being there for the duration.

My responses to each query were different. You've conflated them.

*He was never going to watch it FROM THE START due to an appointment.
*
He was always going to pick up at 5pm.

Then, he wasn't prepared to stay til 6pm for different reasons, unrelated entirely to his appointment and related entirely to the toddler

I'm sure whalesong would have appreciated those replies when she asked.

TLDR:

It's only confusing if you don't bother to RTFT - including the separate interactions with different pps about different things - before you comment. 😀

@Wallstick

Why would I have replied to that poster in the same way I reply to you? You paired together quotes from different conversations and made it sound as though it was all one conversation. I corrected you. So my reply is for you, as the person who pieces together that work of fiction.

I replied appropriately to the other poster, too, and pointed out where they had also misunderstood - they claimed I had said DH needed to be at the office. So I focussed on that in my reply to them.

In whalesong's defence it is weird that this (paraphrased, I'm not looking it all up) interaction happened:

Sorry but this makes me laugh.

It's weird that this interaction which I can't be arsed to check for factual accuracy happened .....

Proceeds to quote something completely made up because, well, they didn't look it up and check for accuracy.

🤣

@Wallstick

My advice would be, if you're going to jump to the defence of another poster who has misunderstood and not read correctly, at least appraise yourself of the facts first, so that for the love of god at least one of you has read them 🤣

Same and over a one-off at that! The situation has already been sorted and her DD is taking the bus to something she enjoys yet couldn’t simply do that on her way home from I would guess a sport she chose to do one time.

It's not about independence though.

It's not hardship to catch a bus, but it's not hardship to wait 45 mins after you already made the journey somewhere, in a warm car.

If I agreed to give someone a lift and the time changed due to no fault of their own, I'd wait. Doesn't matter if it's my child or a friend. It's the nice thing to do. A toddler can wait 45 mins for bath time, especially as a one off.

This might be news to you but some parents actually like doing things for their kids and don't act like once their kid is 16 they might as well leave them to it.

Do you not think it's a bit different getting the bus on a weekend when you have lots of time Vs getting the bus (long journey if it's a 30 mins drive - I'd guess an hour?) after a day of school, and physical activity?

Then you still have to get home, eat, shower, prepare for tomorrow, probably study/do homework.

These are totally different circumstances. Maybe I've just been extremely lucky but both my friends and family would have never considered just leaving instead of waiting 45 minutes, and I wouldn't either.

This might be news to you but some parents actually like doing things for their kids and don't act like once their kid is 16 they might as well leave them to it.

Which, if it were true of me, would be pretty shit. But it's not. I do plenty for my DD, including things that aren't necessarily convenient for me or other members of the family. In return I occasionally expect flexibility from her, too. That's what this was.

@teenagestress no matter how you reply at least half the posters on here don’t agree with you. Myself included. I would have handled it differently. I think you are letting DH off lightly as he could have worked out a better plan without involving you and I’d have been more sympathetic to DD as I’ve said before . There’s a difference between supporting a big kid & mollycoddling. You obviously don’t think you were being unreasonable and many agree & that’s your completely valid opinion but many others think & approach things differently and that’s our also valid opinion. By asking the question on a forum like this your always going to get a mixed response. I hope you have chatted things through & are all on good terms now as you do sound a bit frazzled as is completely understandable at the end of a working day when you are far away & get these calls when you can’t actually do anything. My teens & DH do it to me all the time & it is highly annoying at that moment in time x

OP's already said the bus journey is 30 minutes.

Most children have two parents working and therefore routinely get home by public transport in these circumstances. How do you imagine they cope?

It's not about delaying the toddler's bath, it's about waiting around with the toddler whenshe's tired, not dressed for cold weather and doesn't have any toys, books etc with her because they weren't expecting to wait. It may not be the 16 year old's fault the match was postponed, but she must have been able to let her stepfather know earlier.

If OP's DH didn't like doing things with his kids, he wouldn't have agreed to the lift in the first place, would he? Nor all the previous times when he's gone out of his way to collect the teenager and give her lifts.

@SnowlayRoundabout that’s probably been planned & agreed n the morning though so all are aware of the plans. Not offered a lift then it been cancelled because of a late running match the daughter had no control over.

I'm glad you were in a warm place by then, but the post I was responding to was about your DP who was in a warm place giving your toddler a bath (although other posts said he needed to be elsewhere for work). While your DD was having to make her way home in the cold, after previously being told she had a lift home.

"Make her way home in the cold"?

You mean, have a brisk walk to the bus stop, possibly (or possibly not) followed by a few minutes' wait, followed by a 30 minute journey on a warm bus? You're deliberately exaggerating, aren't you? Maybe the experience will help her to remember to let people know earlier when plans change?

OP was stressed out still working near the end of a 10 hour day, and still had to get herself home. Something tells me that being warm may not really have been compensation for that.

But she did have control over when she let her lift know, particularly as she must have realised he was going to have to bring the toddler with him at a time when she would be tired.