Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at both of them?!

811 replies

teenagestress · 07/12/2022 20:13

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

  1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

  2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

OP posts:
mumontherun14 · 10/12/2022 12:53

@SnowlayRoundabout I don’t know if many of us would relish a bus journey home after playing a 90 minute football match in the cold and being cold, possibly wet,tired & hungry and having been promised a lift . I know the bus is no hardship at all but can imagine it’s a bit of a disappointment when it’s not what you had been offered earlier. Just trying to see it fro the daughters point of view as have a 16yr old daughter myself & a son who plays a lot of football matches. As I’ve said before the 15 text messages was an overreaction and I would not have been happy getting all that at work but I would have expected my DH to deal with it and to have waited as planned. Toddler I’m sure would have had a coat on to go in the car in the first place & would the DH not have had a phone to even entertain her for a bit with a video. To me it sounds like he didn’t fancy hanging around & it was easier for him to go home.

mumontherun14 · 10/12/2022 12:57

@SnowlayRoundabout sometimes they don’t have their phones as these are put away in lockers before they get changed . Sometimes a match can run late at last minute due to referee being late, opponents being late, floodlights not working etc when they are already out on the pitch. It’s happened to us many many times hence why I’m probably more sympathetic to it

phoenixrosehere · 10/12/2022 13:05

Miajk · 10/12/2022 11:53

Do you not think it's a bit different getting the bus on a weekend when you have lots of time Vs getting the bus (long journey if it's a 30 mins drive - I'd guess an hour?) after a day of school, and physical activity?

Then you still have to get home, eat, shower, prepare for tomorrow, probably study/do homework.

These are totally different circumstances. Maybe I've just been extremely lucky but both my friends and family would have never considered just leaving instead of waiting 45 minutes, and I wouldn't either.

Show quote history

But it wasn’t just 45 minutes though. You’re ignoring the drive back home which is also 30 minutes. Step dad would have driven 30 minutes to get there, wait 45 minutes and no one to say if it had actually finished at the time she said since it had already started late and then a 30 min drive back.

I’m saying she should have just taken the bus without complaint considering her parents have provided rides for things she has chosen to do. She had no control over the time change but neither did her stepdad who she also knew had her sibling and that her sibling is on a routine.

lYes, it is different circumstances but in both instances these are things OP’s daughter has chosen to do. She chose to be on the football team as she has chosen to go to the mall and been given permission in both instances.

SnowlayRoundabout · 10/12/2022 13:10

mumontherun14 · 10/12/2022 12:53

@SnowlayRoundabout I don’t know if many of us would relish a bus journey home after playing a 90 minute football match in the cold and being cold, possibly wet,tired & hungry and having been promised a lift . I know the bus is no hardship at all but can imagine it’s a bit of a disappointment when it’s not what you had been offered earlier. Just trying to see it fro the daughters point of view as have a 16yr old daughter myself & a son who plays a lot of football matches. As I’ve said before the 15 text messages was an overreaction and I would not have been happy getting all that at work but I would have expected my DH to deal with it and to have waited as planned. Toddler I’m sure would have had a coat on to go in the car in the first place & would the DH not have had a phone to even entertain her for a bit with a video. To me it sounds like he didn’t fancy hanging around & it was easier for him to go home.

And the chances are teenager could probably have got a lift if she had just let her parents know at a sensible time. Which is worse, slightly disappointing an inconsiderate 16 year old, or having to keep a tired toddler occupied in the cold for 45 minutes or more? As has been pointed out, the toddler ddn't have a warm hat or gloves, and your assumption that a tired toddler would have been entertained for 45+ minutes with a phone video isn't one I would make.

Wallstick · 10/12/2022 13:13

Why would I have replied to that poster in the same way I reply to you?

Because she was asking the same thing but you weren't understanding her. That's the only reason I posted. I have rtft. I do usually like to quote. However, 'see all' gave me 8 pages of just your posts, maybe a MN record. I'm not sifting through all those in order to quote verbatim to you. More than one pp was confused about the appointment and the end of the match. I paraphrased, you finally understood and made the clarification. That should be the end of it.

SnowlayRoundabout · 10/12/2022 13:13

mumontherun14 · 10/12/2022 12:57

@SnowlayRoundabout sometimes they don’t have their phones as these are put away in lockers before they get changed . Sometimes a match can run late at last minute due to referee being late, opponents being late, floodlights not working etc when they are already out on the pitch. It’s happened to us many many times hence why I’m probably more sympathetic to it

Her stepdad timed his journey to be there to collect her at the end of the match. She didn't text him till she was nearly there. She must have noticed that the match hadn't started at the originally planned time, and I find it incredibly difficult to believe that she wouldn't have been allowed access to a phone whilst they were waiting.

mumontherun14 · 10/12/2022 13:31

@SnowlayRoundabout my niece is 18omths & my nephew 4 and I look after them after school. I know well what grouchy toddlers especially at teatime can be like but I’d have had a go at entertains them. Popped to a shop & got some snacks as a one off. Just my own perspective. Many families I know take younger kids this age to watch these matches. Again appreciate the DH was unprepared and not everyone does things the same way.

Banjoman · 10/12/2022 14:21

mumontherun14 · 10/12/2022 13:31

@SnowlayRoundabout my niece is 18omths & my nephew 4 and I look after them after school. I know well what grouchy toddlers especially at teatime can be like but I’d have had a go at entertains them. Popped to a shop & got some snacks as a one off. Just my own perspective. Many families I know take younger kids this age to watch these matches. Again appreciate the DH was unprepared and not everyone does things the same way.

How do you deal with your teen having tantrums? Do you allow them to get away with those?

mumontherun14 · 10/12/2022 14:34

@Banjoman absolutely not. Grounded & phone taken off them. Depending on severity. I don’t think I’ve ever had 15 angry messages but as I’ve said before I wouldn’t have been happy about that as sounds like an overreaction.

teenagestress · 10/12/2022 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
teenagestress · 10/12/2022 16:08

And if you don't want to sift through at least an OP's posts, you can't then expect to contribute to a thread in any meaningful way, as you'll have no idea what's gone before. It's the real life equivalent of walking into a room hours into a conversation between 50 or so people and going "here's what I think!", without seeking out any prior context. You'd probably be way off the mark if you did that, and you've basically done the equivalent here if you can't be arsed to read anything already discussed.🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Wallstick · 10/12/2022 16:36

I have read the full thread, I've told you I've rtft 🙄

Original poster
teenagestress · 10/12/2022 16:50

@Wallstick

I quote your post from 09:17 today:

In whalesong's defence it is weird that this (paraphrased, I'm not looking it all up) interaction happened:

You didn't check. And the upshot of that is, you got it wrong.

Then you post a snarky comment about me being the one who "finally understood".

Right-o.

OP posts:
Vanderpump · 10/12/2022 18:38

It's a wee reminder to the 16 year old that the world doesn't revolve around her and she is responsible for her actions, her choice was t notify the game was late or decide that she couldn't play and accept the lift home

Murdoch1949 · 10/12/2022 19:14

Daughter is more in the wrong than stepdad. He was doing her a favour and juggling baby at same time. SD's timings changed and dad couldn't accommodate. Entertaining a toddler at that time of day could be difficult so I understand him wanting to get home. She'd hop a bus if it suited her.

Wallstick · 10/12/2022 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ApiratesaysYarrr · 10/12/2022 23:05

teenagestress · 07/12/2022 20:13

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

  1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

  2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

TBH, even if your husband acts in a parental role, if there is a big dispute like this between them (the actual issue wasn't that big, but from the flurry of calls it was creating a load of drama), it would seem to make most sense to get the biological parent involved to have the final say.

hourbyhour101 · 10/12/2022 23:07

@Wallstick I can't believe I'm having to say this again on this thread but for the love of god please can you stop.

I'm not sure what your previous post is trying to achieve but it's certainly not offering anything beneficial to op or the thread.

saraclara · 10/12/2022 23:19

@ApiratesaysYarrr , why did you quote the whole (very long) OP? We're all anwering the same one, so it doesn't add anything to your post, and it clutters up the thread

SnowlayRoundabout · 11/12/2022 00:39

hourbyhour101 · 10/12/2022 23:07

@Wallstick I can't believe I'm having to say this again on this thread but for the love of god please can you stop.

I'm not sure what your previous post is trying to achieve but it's certainly not offering anything beneficial to op or the thread.

This. That post must have taken you a hell of a long time for precisely zero purpose.

Original poster
teenagestress · 11/12/2022 07:07

@Wallstick

I love drama? I'm overly invested in my own thread about my own life? 🤣

Whereas you are going to significant lengths to tie yourself up in knots to be involved in a stranger's life situation over the Internet, instead of just holding your hands up and going "yeah ok, I linked together 3 quotes that never fitted together in the first place and made it sound very different to what it actually was".

The irony of your post accusing me of being invested in drama 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
teenagestress · 11/12/2022 07:07

And even other posters think this is odd. Yet you still go on..... and on.....

OP posts:
Banjoman · 11/12/2022 07:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What total incoherent twaddle!

susiesuelou · 11/12/2022 07:12

^Here whalesong is obviously referring to the appointment that's irrelevant but also conflicted with the match in some way. She doesn't know what sort of appointment it is and has assumed it is work related.

Had that poster been bothered to read correctly they'd have seen my clarification at 18:44 on Thursday, in which I said it was a medical appointment. Nowhere have I mentioned my DH being at work on the day in question. Nowhere.

Whalesong seems to have the same comprehension difficulties and propensity to invent their own narrative as you do, @Wallstick

Original poster
teenagestress · 11/12/2022 07:16

susiesuelou · 11/12/2022 07:12

^Here whalesong is obviously referring to the appointment that's irrelevant but also conflicted with the match in some way. She doesn't know what sort of appointment it is and has assumed it is work related.

Had that poster been bothered to read correctly they'd have seen my clarification at 18:44 on Thursday, in which I said it was a medical appointment. Nowhere have I mentioned my DH being at work on the day in question. Nowhere.

Whalesong seems to have the same comprehension difficulties and propensity to invent their own narrative as you do, @Wallstick

NC fail!

This is my post @Wallstick

You seem hellbent on somehow discrediting me? It's utterly, utterly bizarre. Confused

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread