To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

Are you actually mad, or were you never a teenager or something?!

This wasn't a teen expressing her disappointment and upset that the promised lift didn't happen and she felt abandoned. This was a teen throwing a strop because now she had to get a bus and didn't want to.

There are times and places to ensure your are being 'nice' or 'kind' to the aggrieved person. When they're kicking off because of a situation of their own making is not the time.

If there's anyone here who'd NOT be annoyed if their teenager fired off FIFTEEN angry and over-dramatic messages to them over having to get a bus, when they were snowed under and stressed at work, I'd be amazed.

15 messages is ott but maybe she thought her mum might stick up for her since step dad renaged on the lift he promised and left her when he was pretty much already there

@Bintymcbintface

I thought he made the best call in the circumstances. I wasn't critical of his decision, it was his need to pull me into it that annoyed me. When he's the one providing childcare to the youngest and lifts for the eldest, It's his call to make as far as I'm concerned. But just don't pull me into it unnecessarily was my annoyance with him. Why would I support my daughter's viewpoint when I agreed with his decision as the parent in charge at that point in time? That's undermining, surely. I wouldn't appreciate him doing that to me, so I don't do it to him. He's a perfectly competent parent and stepparent.

And he didn't renege on the original agreement because the original agreement had changed by that point.

Agreed.

You'll note that my original AIBU was to ask whether I'm reasonable to be annoyed at them for dragging me into it. Not whether DH was reasonable to make the decision he made. I agreed with his decision in the circumstances, so that's not my question. It follows that if I agreed with his decision, I wouldn't "back" my DD. I felt she was wrong and should have just accepted getting the bus. The thing I felt was wrong on DH's part was calling me at work and making it my problem too.

Now this is where it can possibly get really tricky in a stepparent situation. A biological parent has assumed authority essentially by birthright, whereas a stepparent is only granted authority at the whim of the biological parent as well as the child. There is no inherent authority.

You can even see that playing out a bit on this thread right here by those suggesting you "took the side" of as if he is not a real parent.

From the way you have described things, it does seem as if you consider your husband to be a full and equal authority parent. Does your daughter also accept that generally? Does she ever use the fact that he is a stepparent as a tool to her advantage?

I think it's interesting that upthread you said you'd have found a way to entertain the toddler and waited to give your DD a lift as agreed, but at the same time you agree with your DH's decision to do the opposite.

I still wonder how much gear your DD had to carry to / on the bus, which might have contributed to her reaction.

Also wondering why she didn't contact him sooner - did she have access to her phone and just didn't bother / didn't think of it, or did she not have access to her phone earlier. Not that it matters, I guess. Just curious.

@WhitePhantom

The fact that I agree with his own autonomous and valid parenting decision when he's the one "on duty", doesn't negate the fact that I'd have probably done something different myself. The two things can coexist.

His choice was the right one for his own circumstances in that moment. He had toddler DD, he'd spent all day with her and knew how tired she was etc... it was absolutely his call to make. As it would have been mine if I'd been the one doing childcare duties that day. I wouldn't expect DH to micromanage and criticise my parenting choices when I'm looking after our DC (unless I'm doing something outrageously inappropriate of course!), and I do him the same courtesy. That's how our relationship works.

Yeah, that's a fair point.

His choice was the right one for his own circumstances in that moment. He had toddler DD, he'd spent all day with her and knew how tired she was etc... it was absolutely his call to make. As it would have been mine if I'd been the one doing childcare duties that day. I wouldn't expect DH to micromanage and criticise my parenting choices when I'm looking after our DC (unless I'm doing something outrageously inappropriate of course!), and I do him the same courtesy. That's how our relationship works.

How dare you be so incredibly reasonable and respectful of your partner? No wonder so many people are frothing with anger on this thread.

I think it's interesting that upthread you said you'd have found a way to entertain the toddler and waited to give your DD a lift as agreed, but at the same time you agree with your DH's decision to do the opposite.

I know this was directed at the OP, but for myself, there are plenty of times where my wife has done things very differently to how I would have done them, yet I completely agree with her decision to do it her way. She'd say the same. We can do things differently and still agree with each other. Still back each other up.

You just sound tired and fed up with it all, it's exhausting when you are the one that needs to think for everyone

I thought he was going home to give the toddler a bath, not back into a cold office. Who was going to look after the toddler then?
Between his medical appointment and having to go back into the office I'm surprised he offered to give her a lift in the first place TBH. No wonder he couldn't wait for her at all. But in my experience these matches rarely finish on time so unless you're able to factor that in you need to make a different plan from the start. In this case I'd have told the 16-year-old from the beginning that unfortunately she'd have to make her own way as Mum was working and Stepdad had several important appointments. Then the toddler could have been taken straight to whomever was going to look after her for the rest of the evening, and Stepdad could have got to his other appointments with a lot less stress.
A 16-year-old is perfectly able to catch a bus a reasonable distance away. Mine does this most days - including additional trips for extra-curricular activities unless we're available for lifts. But if I was on that tight a schedule that I couldn't wait for 45 minutes having already driven there for 30 minutes (plus the 30 minutes back) then I certainly wouldn't give her false hope and expose the toddler (and myself) to an unnecessary hour in the car.

@Whalesong , your comprehension is severely lacking.

Try reading OP's posts again. And also the paragraph you just quoted.

I still think OP shouldn't be that annoyed with DD. DD talked to DH, DH called OP and OP called DD with bad news. DD didn't set out to bother OP with this, so as far as the aibu about being dragged into it then yabu. DD didn't drag OP into it she tried to handle the situation correctly and got nowhere. DD shot the messenger, sure. But my anger would be with DH asking me to be the messenger. All the defending of his choice and he did the right thing for him. Yeah it's the right choice for him because he made it and let someone else clear up the mess of it. Next time make DH suffer the consequences of his choice instead, he might have chosen something else.

Not sure whose comprehension is severely lacking here...
Someone pointed out that the DD would be going home in the cold while the Stepdad was home in the warmth. OP replied that he wouldn't be as he'd be in a freezing cold office. I'm only reading what she's posting.
Not invested one way or the other. But the story seems to change as she's being challenged. Drip feed about medical appointments etc. And now a freezing cold office and a migraine, that were never mentioned in the OP.

This. I feel really sad for your DD. Yes, she shouldn't have bombarded you with texts but I can only imagine she felt incredibly disappointed and rejected. I'm really surprised your DH didn't stick around. Presumably he had warm stuff in the car (or he should in this weather in case of breakdowns etc) and could have managed 45 mins for the sake of your eldest.

I do think they should have dealt with jt without dragging you in though, and I get why you feel so upset and defensive.

No, they're not more important. More labour intensive to care for perhaps and more demanding of immediate attention. That's why gestures like sticking around to pick up DD are so important

@Whalesong

It was ME who was in an office miles away.

A pp said:

All while you/your husband is warm and snug at home... That says alot about you..

I was responding to where I was, given the pp said "you/your husband" (ie including me) were "warm and snug at home". I was pointing out I was anything but. The story hasn't changed. I said clearly in my OP that I was at work until 6pm. I was clearly reiterating that.

The appointment was not a "drip feed". It wasn't in my OP because it wasn't relevant at that stage. It was a response to a pp later asking me "would it have killed DH to stay and watch the full match to support your DD?". I responded with the reason as to why that was never on the table in the first place as a plan. Why would I have needed to include that in my OP? It wasn't connected to my original post.

My story hasn't changed at all. Please do feel free to provide evidence of that with my conflicting posts? You'll note no conflicts if you read correctly.

Indeed it is!

This comment right here is the basis of my entire stress with the situation!

I'm glad you were in a warm place by then, but the post I was responding to was about your DP who was in a warm place giving your toddler a bath (although other posts said he needed to be elsewhere for work). While your DD was having to make her way home in the cold, after previously being told she had a lift home.

@Whalesong for the love of god please please give it a rest.

Please 🙄

@Whalesong

*I'm glad you were in a warm place by then
*
What? Genuinely, what are you on about?

but the post I was responding to was about your DP who was in a warm place giving your toddler a bath

Again, what? He was in a car with an overtired bored toddler, having turned around to drive the 30 mins home.

although other posts said he needed to be elsewhere for work

And once again, what?
Literally nowhere - nowhere - have I said my DH needed to be "elsewhere for work". Absolutely nowhere. I am in fact SO confident this is gaslighting bullshit, that I will bet my house on it.

Please do keep trying desperately to trip me up or discredit my story. You won't be able to because it's utterly true and it's consistent.