To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

Well, this ‘debate’ is not going to help the OP or her DD is it? Her DD was pissed off as she had to get the bus home in the end, due to the times changing.
I don’t see the issue. Teen behaving like a teen. Step dad not wanting to wait 45 mins in a cold car or drive around wasting petrol or spending money in a cafe which might not be affordable for him… so he went back home. She caught the bus. The end.

OP is exhausted and fed up of having to be disturbed at work with a minor issue that her DH and DD could have dealt with.

Right but did her feelings actually get acknowledged?

It's as simple as "hey DD, these texts were really distracting. I'm sorry you weren't able to get a lift back home, I know that must have been disappointing, did you have to wait long?"

A little bit of empathy for her would have gone a long way - that's all we're trying to say. She's allowed to be disappointed and her feelings should be acknowledged. It's not just about you, the toddler, and your partner.

She is not saying everyone is incorrect, because lot's of people are agreeing that she is not BU. So it is hardly everyone is incorrect!

@Miajk

I've not posted any update on here about any subsequent conversations I had with her, so why would you assume there was no empathy conveyed within those? Again, you've made up your own narrative.

Again, how are you sure I haven't done these things since? I haven't posted about any subsequent conversations so I find it interesting that posters have the psychic ability to know how it's been handled since it happened.

I didn't make anything up I literally asked you:

Right but did her feelings actually get acknowledged?

But you're refusing to address this for some reason?

Also you:

She's allowed to be disappointed and her feelings should be acknowledged.

The use of the words "should be" implies OP didn't acknowledge her daughters feelings.

@Shemovesshemoves21

Thank you! It's a bit like gaslighting where you're sure you've read something and someone tries to then make it something else. Head is battered 🤣

No, "should have been" implies that, "should be" implies that in situations like these as a rule someone's feelings should be acknowledged.

Hence I asked if they had been, and not assumed they weren't.

Again, how are you sure I haven't done these things since? I haven't posted about any subsequent conversations so I find it interesting that posters have the psychic ability to know how it's been handled since it happened It's kind of telling what you take from perfectly balanced posts, not attacking you at all and how you respond to them. If you have done that, great! I'd have assumed you would have said that on the post to the people who have commented about this. Anyway OP, I'm out. You are clearly not interested in any other perspectives and are on the defensive, so hope you get it all resolved one way or another so you don't have any repeats.

It's not gaslighting, as I explained if we use the English language properly it's clear that I wasn't implying you haven't done this.

I also asked you a question you're refusing to answer and just being defensive again. How hard is it to reply and say you did in fact do this?

Can only think of one reason you're refusing to address it but go on.

@Miajk your making yourself like a prosecutor?

Here's another through maybe op is like actually this was a massive thing that didn't need to be a thing and isn't responding to your questioning because she recognises she's on mn and she has the right to not to add fuel to the fire.

You certainly were insinuating this, very passive aggressive.

You are not a judge!

Honestly, OP just ignore all the shit stirrers on here. Glad you and DD have sorted it, hopefully your DD has learnt a valuable lesson and has more consideration for her SD (and you) next time.

Calm down a bit maybe.

OP is accusing everyone of assuming and telling everyone who disagrees they are incorrect.

People are asking her questions instead of assuming, she refuses to answer.

And then commenters like you are kicking off for some reason, incapable of having a sensible conversation? OP posted on AIBU to ask for opinions. She doesn't need to respond but we don't need to agree either. You seem very unhinged and aggressive.

No I'm asking a question because OP has made it clear she doesn't appreciate people assuming anything.

But apparently, commenters are not allowed to assume or ask questions, just agree with OP and participate in an echo chamber.

What is the point of this thread or AIBU exactly then?

Well neither are you so why are you judging what I was saying? Do you think you are allowed to make judgements but other people aren't?

Not sure it's goady to ask if her DDs feelings were acknowledged.

OP made it clear she doesn't like people assuming, so I asked her a question - according to you thought I can't say anything unless I just agree with OP and move on?

I think you should seek therapy instead of sitting on Mumsnet as it's not normal to lash out like this. Are you okay?

Oh look, more PA comments at another poster!!

You're like MN bingo!

"are you okay" 😂

I know, right! 🤣🤣

I am pointing out for your own good, because I have no doubt this spills into your "real life", that your comments are PA and very judgemental.

Oh look, deflecting from the conversation and addressing my comment because we disagree, but not addressing the other very agressive unkind comment!

MN bingo X2!

Teenagers are very dramatic and use language like being abandoned all the time.
She might have felt abandoned, she wasn't abandoned. Actually growing up means realising your feelings aren't actually always the most important thing in everyone's mind. You are part of a family, community, society and sometimes you have to crack on on your own.
Basically sometimes things don't go your way, deal with it.