To be annoyed at both of them?!

[teenagestress]

I'll try to be as objective as possible but I'm still really annoyed about the stress this has caused me unnecessarily. I've NC for this.

Sorry it's long!

Basically, DD (16) had a football match after school today. I work a 10 hour day on a Wednesday, not leaving work until 6pm. DH (DD's step dad) doesn't work Wednesdays as he looks after our toddler on this day. DH agreed with DD this morning (I overheard the conversation as I was getting ready to leave for work) that he would collect DD after her match. He asked her what time it finished, she said 5pm. DD could easily get the bus, by the way, but she doesn't like to as it's 30 mins away. So DH agreed to collect her, but I heard him say "it might be just a little after 5 as I'll be giving toddler her tea". DD said ok, fine.

Fast forward to 5pm. I get a call at work when I'm buried in stuff to do, from DH. He says he was almost at the school to collect her (we live 30 mins away so he'd set off at 4.30 for her as per their agreement), when he received a text saying "match is finishing later now, can you get me at 5.45 instead". Bearing in mind DH has toddler in the back of the car, and this change of plan meant he then would have had to sit for 45 mins at the school trying to keep toddler happy, entertained and warm, while he waited for DD, then another 30 mins to get home after that. Toddler's bath time is 6pm so that would have been pushed back too, etc. He replies that he can't do this and she will need to now get the bus home in light of this change of plan, as he needs to get toddler home and bathed etc for bed. Also that it's not reasonable to expect him to sit with toddler in the car for that length of time.

DD becomes really upset, saying she's not getting the bus home because she doesn't want to, why can't he just wait for her. Etc.

I tell DH I'll call her and tell her she needs to get the bus. She is 10 mins walk from a bus stop where she is, and it's well lit and busy area etc.

DH turns round and drives home. I call DD (bearing in mind I'm at my desk with work to do and could have really done without being pulled into it all), and tell her she will have to get the bus. She starts crying saying it's unfair and why can't step dad just collect her as planned. I say because the plan was 5pm and that's now almost an hour later, and that's not convenient for toddler. She says it's not her fault the time changed, I say I understand it's not her fault, however you could very easily get the bus since it wouldn't be fair on stepdad or toddler to sit and wait almost an hour. I then say I have to go as I have work to finish.

She then sends me 15 texts in the space of 30 minutes, saying "it's not fair", "I'm stranded now", "why can't he just come and get me", etc. I had to take my phone off my desk out of view as it was so distracting and I had work to finish.

Eventually she got the bus, and we arrived home roughly the same time. But I'm sat here fuming with the both of them because:

1. why did DH even need to drag me into this? Could be not just have dealt with it himself and told her to get the bus, instead of calling me at work to resolve it?

2. why is DD so unable, at 16 years of age, to walk 10 mins to a bus stop ... and why does she feel the need to bombard me with texts as if this is somehow now my problem to solve from my desk at work?

Disclaimer: I'm exhausted and burnt out in general, and had a long day at work, so maybe that's clouding my judgement.

But AIBU to be annoyed at the bloody both of them right now?

Your expectations of him are pretty low, aren’t they? 45 minutes playing with your own child. Like that’s hard? He could even have stuck his phone on for them 🤷🏻‍♀️

@strawberryandcreams

You said "I also remember this, my mum etc...."
Your phrasing - "this" - links it to my example.
As you well know.

And no, I didn't "play the work card" ffs. I was at work so 🤷‍♀️

Defensive? Possibly. Burnt out to fuck with life and hanging by a thread? Definitely.

I get that but ultimately she's a child who is taking part in a sporting event - she wasn't down the park with her mates moving the goalposts (pardon the pun) about pick up time. I imagine her upset also came from the frustration about the loss of control over the situation (and probably being cold and wanting to just get into a warm car!).

It's a tricky one and they shouldn't have involved you at all but I'd be side eyeing any adult that didn't just roll their eyes, pick her up (and yes, inconvenience themselves) and then maybe have the conversation next time that she message him when they know what time kick off will be so he can make sure neither are waiting around.

Your DH can't sit in a car idling for an hour - his engine would have to be off which is totally freezing and not good for a toddler and him to be sat in unnecessarily!

I assumed reading your OP that he rang you to tell you so that he could turn around and continue driving home rather than having to park up to start texting your DD for some reason, rather than trying to get you involved unnecessarily.

I think your DD was a bit rude with her bombarding texts, at 16 she should understand that plans change and that means she needs to be a bit flexible too! It's not just the 45+ minute wait, it's the half an hour back and half an hour to the practice, nearly 2 hours sat in a car for the younger DC which is a hell of a long time when there's other options!

@Testina

No my expectations of him are not low. He plays with her all day at home on his day off with her. I just personally didn't think 45 mins in a car with her was reasonable trying to keep her entertained and happy etc.

How hard is it to keep a toddler entertained in a car for 45 mins. And to add keep toddler warm? Has you car heating broken. Really sounds like he couldn’t be bothered and you just expect her to get on with things. He could have even been supportive and watched her activity.

@monsteronahill

I think you get where I'm coming from.

No he couldn't have watched the match as he had other pre booked commitments today.

If I were your dd next time I’d know not to text and give the heads up it may run late then he would be there anyway

I've done exactly that weekly for years. It's really not that hard.

And I'd argue offering to collect her in the first place as per the original plan, so she didn't have to get the bus, was him being "supportive"

It was 45 minutes as a one off. I've got a friend who has a different dad to her siblings and she's never forgot that she came second to the "full blood".

I wouldn't have left my 16 year old on a December night for the sake of 45 minutes as a one off but you know your situation best.

How hard is it to keep a toddler entertained in a car for 45 mins.

Depends on a number of factors including the toddler themselves, I'd guess.

Your DH sounds awful tbh. I can’t believe he drove home and left a (tired and sweaty I assume) teenager to get the bus home alone in the dark when it’s this cold, just so he wouldn’t have to inconvenience himself by entertaining his own child for 45 mins. If the drive was 30 mins I’m guessing it’s a pretty long bus ride, your poor DD!

As a one off. It's really not. Things like this are what can damage relationships. Including the siblings.

@YaWeeFurryBastard

He's really not awful. Really, truly not. For a start, he was the one who offered originally to collect her so she didn't have to get the bus. An awful person wouldn't do that I'm guessing.

Team DD here too, I'm afraid.

I'd have been hurt and upset in her shoes

I just cannot fathom driving 30 mins and refusing to stay and wait for 45, and drive the 30 mins back without your DD.

So the toddler had one hour in the car for absolutely no reason.

And your DD got the bus home in the cold and the dark.

And all her mum wants to do is talk about how tired she is. Aren't we all in the cold December months, juggling Christmas, work and kids. Plus the other stuff that all families have to go through.

Sounds like your DH is the problem tbh. I wonder if he will do the same in a few years when his child wants picking up at night

Got to say I’m completely with you, OP. It’s annoying for her that the match time changed, but why didn’t she message earlier? It must have started late and she didn’t consider that this meant she’d be 45 mins later than planned. If there’s a good easy bus home then that seems a good compromise.

Totally understandable to be disappointed and cross that she’s not getting a lift - but absolutely outrageous to be bombarding you with messages at work, crying down the phone. I’d be v angry if my teen did that.

If there were no other options then yes, your DH would have had to wait, but he’d not have agreed to pick her up at that time and - depending on the toddler - it can be pretty hellish keeping them entertained for ages and might throw off bedtime, sleep etc.

I can see why, as the step parent, when faced with an utterly outraged and furious teen, you might redirect to the parent. Have a word for next time with both him and her. But poor you as well. Eugh.

Fucking hell OP !!! Do I feel your pain...

I can remember being HANDCUFFED to someone in custody when my DH (their step dad was in this exact situation....

I lost my shit and told them to imagine me dead 😳... what would they do ?.

Really makes me angry ... man at work.. ( sacrosanct.. not available... woman at work... still expected to manage home...)

the drive was 30 mins I’m guessing it’s a pretty long bus ride, your poor DD

Poor neglected DD. Funny that she can manage this god awful 30 minute (oh the horror) bus ride perfectly well when she wants to meet her mates in town on a weekend....

Yes!! This!! This is why I was so angry. I wouldn't dream of calling DH at work for something like this, I'd just fecking problem solve it! 😤

I'm confused by some of these replies being concerned that the dd is getting the message that the toddler is more important. Frankly, they are. They need an adult for teatime, bedtime. Getting the bus is no big deal.

What when it’s daylight, she’s dressed for the weather and she’s not tired and sweaty after football? Jesus Christ, you don’t sound very considerate to be honest and that’s putting it politely.

Fuck me.