Husband said no to surgery

[Tinselandfairydust]

I want my blepharoplasty doing in a few years and husband has point blank said no.

My face my decision or is his right to tell me I cant?

So unhappy with my tired eyes

I would be. My ex wanted his nose done in the future, I thought it was a given that he would do it one day.
This addictive surgery thing is alien to me in my (very limited) experience of people who make alterations, I know two people who have had a rhinoplasty, one who has had a breast lift and a lady who had a lower face lift. I know no one who has had more than one cosmetic procedure.

@whumpthereitis I guess that's where I differ as I would be uncomfortable with my partner changing things. I find him very attractive on a physical level & I guess I would worry some of that would be lost if he was different. Guess that's selfish! 😆

My ex wanted his nose done in the future, I thought it was a given that he would do it one day.

So you didn't think he had a nice nose originally? I suppose if it's a "flaw" you also recognised it's different.

Would you try stopping him with the excuse of money though? Or just tell him that you were concerned about that and then stand back while he makes his choice?

He looked like Noel Gallagher!
I didn't think it was a flaw, I fancied him but I'm not that special that me being into him was enough to make him like it, he didn't like it, he spoke about it a lot.
TBH I hope he got it done in the end because I think it would have made him happy.

It's a couple of grand? I'd put it on an interest free credit card and pay it off monthly. That's what I did with cataract surgery same price

No problem whatsoever, he's not my possession.

I think it is ultimately up to you. I do know however my husband would not want me to have surgery as I think he would lose respect for me- would see it as narcissistic and that I was basically thick.
I appreciate that sounds brutal but I know that is how he would react. Would be a major turnoff.

@itwasntmetho money would be lower down on my list because we both work & have significant savings however money would definitely be a factor depending upon the cost.

And tbh if most of the savings were my money & I was the breadwinner I probably would be annoyed unless I also "treated" myself.

I think that's the crux of it. We only own ourselves.
It's probably shocking the idea of someone you've known for years wanting a cosmetic surgery, I think most people who have cosmetic surgery are not the 'types', most people probably are the one off procedure people just restoring the one area that they enjoyed having or fixing the one thing they always hated to not be thinking about it. It must be hard to get your head around your partner who you find attractive saying "but I don't like this" and realising that their own opinion of themselves equally important or more so than yours.

It borders on controlling though to block them, a couple of grand procedure in say three years time that will last about fifteen years is not being blocked because of finances, it's £55 a month put away for the next three years when the OP wants the procedure done. Saying no is an authority thing.

he's not my possession

Is there no room for nuance? Why would having reservations about the risks of surgery, the outcome & the financial implication mean I viewed my partner as my possession? I wouldn't like it if he took up base jumping either.

@itwasntmetho well i'm not into Noel but some people are!

How old are you OP? I think that might make a difference as perhaps he is worried that it is the start of something you will want to continue and it will never be enough. I know someone like that and it isn't making her happy. I'm in my mid 50s and my eyelids have become droopy over the last 5 years or so. I'd like to have them done but I'm apprehensive about unnecessary surgery. I would never have had them done much earlier.

And I cant lie that it would also very much depend on the surgery.

Eg penis enlargement, leg lengthening would be a hard no.

I don't really agree with the breadwinner sentiment when the partner earning less is doing so to fit in with the kids, it would never be okay to say "My kids, I'm the one available for them", so I don't know how it's okay to say "My money, I earn it. The bit you can spend is a conditional gift".

He sounds horrible! Basically completely not understanding. You facilitate his career and capacity to earn, by working around the dc and looking after them.

I would do it. My mother had one done and she was transformed in her confidence. Do it. He is mean and controlling. But get a very good surgeon.

This is how I feel about it. MNers are really quick to talk about The Ick - horrible phrase but round here it's seen as totally reasonable. Anyway, someone who actually thinks spending absurd sums of money on plastic surgery would absolutely give me The Ick. I couldn't respect them.

Someone made an analogy to middle-aged men blowing money on sports cars and it's definitely similar. The waste of money is obscene, the goal to pretend you're still young is absurd, the overall spectacle is cringe.

"Do whatever makes you happy hun" as if it's a new haircut diminishes how extreme cosmetic surgery is, too, in terms of expense and effect on your body. Gross how it's been so normalised, gross that it's being somehow framed as a "you go girl" kind of feminist issue.

I'm usually against cosmetic surgery for purely cosmetic reasons, but there are some things that might have other benefits too. It seems like this might be one of those things if it does improve peripheral vision etc.

I would never get botox, nose job, anything like that that would alter my face. But I wouldn't mind surgery to remove my varicose veins, partly because they're ugly and partly because they ache. I would also like laser eye surgery and lots of people get that because of vanity - so they don't have to wear glasses. Some people have surgery to correct overbites and other dental problems, again that's often for cosmetic reasons but it's usually seen as acceptable.

If there are health benefits that's different IMO. But it's all about the reasons you're getting it done, too.

I wear glasses, and I wouldn't have minded laser eye surgery when I was 20 because I hated how I looked in them. Now, I'm happy with how I look in them (and don't even bother with contacts any more), and the only reason I'd still have laser eye surgery is because glasses can be really inconvenient sometimes. And I still wouldn't do it because I think about all the other, more useful and more enjoyable things that the money would buy.

With things like botox there are just no potential health benefits, are there? It's just poison injected into your face. What a great use of money.

Your face, your decision.
Unless you are not earning.

It's not his decision but I totally get where he's coming from re joint finances. Mine and my husband's are seperate and even then it pisses me off when I'm buying kids clothes with mine and he's buying an apple watch! But he pays the gas/electric etc so not my business as long as that's all up to date just like if I want to blow mine on plants which I regularly do he can't complain. Split your finances now and start saving would be my advice but think very carefully about any surgery on your face, look at Courtney Cox and Simon Cowell, they look infinitely worse after!

I had it done for my 60th. Worth every penny. Your husband is being very unreasonable. Takes a good few weeks before you can go out without scaring people.

No-one gossips behind your back about your face as it is. I guarantee they will about the result of plastic surgery though. And it won’t be favourable.

Serious disfigurement gets fixed free on the NHS. Anything less - just don’t. It’s rarely an improvement, especially in the long run.

dolor · Yesterday 18:27
Your husband does not own you.

You can have whatever surgery you'd like.“

I think it depends who’s paying for it.