Husband said no to surgery

[Tinselandfairydust]

I want my blepharoplasty doing in a few years and husband has point blank said no.

My face my decision or is his right to tell me I cant?

So unhappy with my tired eyes

What the heck? It's your face, and if it makes you feel better about yourself and there are minimal risks, you should have it.
Get your own bank account, something my mother always taught me (she was held to ransom by a man over money too).

@thepenismightier
His breadwinner status and large take home pay is facilitated by her domestic, childcare and unpaid duties. If he were a single parent, having to pay a nanny, cook, cleaner etc...his pay probably wouldn't go as far.
It's interesting how you see his pay as his money, therefore he gets the final say. Rather than his joint contribution to the family unit (which in his case is monetary, in her case it's her time, availability and childcare/household duties). Therefore should be a joint discussion, with a joint plan of action to tackle the problem.

I suggested he is controlling because he doesn't even want to talk about it. He's not bothered to even explain his objections to her. Also, his threat to cut her off financially knowing full well she would struggle on her part time wage if she doesn't do as he says.

You have actually made my night!! My peripheral vision is affected and I am only just now joining the dots!! I'm less confident with night driving, and I sometimes find myself reading words on a page that just aren't there - and I've wondered whether it's all connected!! Thank you!

Yes, I paid with my own savings. The part where I typed ”I work full time and paid from my own private savings” cleared that up, did it not?

If my DH was deeply unhappy about a part of his body and the issue could be resolved with surgery I would not hesitate to support him in his choice. I really can’t see how that’s a controversial view?

I've booked mine for next year with a surgeon highly recommended for £2k.
I'm thinking you are going about it in a similar way to me, researching the possibility in no whimsical hurry.
I was just turned 40 when I first started looking into this procedure, I made my decision and started putting money away and meeting surgeons just before my 41st birthday, I've chosen a surgeon (with a long wait list) and the procedure wont be carried out until one month before my 43rd birthday.

That's a three year wait and organisation with two years of saving up and a £2k procedure. Luckily I'm single so I can have this in perspective as a minor procedure that's my choice to make.

Some people spend more on their teeth than my operation costs.

The forms and consultations are really thorough, if I had unrealistic expectations of the procedure results then that would have been picked up on.
I have been asked for my expectations, how I think my life would change after the procedure, how many times a day I check my appearance and for how long, how much the issue makes me feel less confident in different circs.

The surgeon I spoke to spelled it out what the procedure does not do (crows feet, eyebrow position etc). In you position I would split the spending money anyway because you have a long time to save up and with your husbands attitude I don't think it would matter how much the procedure costs, I think he has seen money as a way to stop you from doing something that he doesn't want you to.

I'd rather save up and keep some autonomy or it's kind of like living with your parents that someone can veto you on something that doesn't effect them because "not under my roof" or in this case "not with my money".

Why the fuck do you need to ‘learn to accept’ something if it’s in your power to change it? Why is it somehow more virtuous than doing something to change it for your own happiness? Sounds pious and miserable tbh, and makes being shallow an infinitely more attractive option.

Yes, the results of cosmetic surgery can indeed make you happy. It’s not always about some deep insecurity that only ‘self love’ can solve.

he doesn’t get to just shut you down like he has. Fuck that. If it’s not about money and is solely because he doesn’t like it, he’s got no grounds to dictate to you. It’s not about him.

My ex husband was like this, since we’ve split I’m flabbergasted I let him even utter a decision on my own body.

Ah that makes sense @Hoppinggreen

If your husband said he feels insecure and needs a sports car to boost his self confidence would you really be controlling, nasty wives to say no to spending the family savings on it for him, especially if you earn most of it? Would the comments be how dare you not give him whatever he needs to boost his confidence and that your money is his money and he can spend it as he wishes and that if this makes him feel better than what kind of awful spouse are you to want your husband to be insecure when he has told you what can fix that.

I doubt many would just say of course dear, if that is what you feel you need to be more confident and it would make you feel better about yourself, then of course we can spend the savings on that. I would never stand in your way of anything that you feel you want to boost your confidence.

Book an optician appointment explaining this.

And you're welcome 👍

It's not in the same ball park though, you couldn't get a second hand Corsa for the price of this procedure.
It's more like telling your husband he can't have his teeth fixed because veneers are vain and he could learn to like the chipped yellow ones because he can still eat with them.

Don’t be ridiculous, this is nowhere near the same thing OR the same level of expenditure.

But actually, if my husband wanted a new car AND we could afford it then why would that be a problem?

This surgery isn't done under general.

Well now you are changing the argument. If you read comments above, they say it is that she has a right to do whatever she needs to increase her confience and that he is controlling if he says no to anything that would make her feel better. People are not arguing up to a certain dollar amount. Read the comments about how if she wants it to feel better about herself, then he has no right to stand in her way. Money has barely entered the conversation until now.

If you have droopy eyelids please make sure you are checked for myasthenia gravis first.
Quite a few people in my myasthenia groups paid for surgery before discovering that actually there was an underlying cause.

Also, I have to say, I have made peace with my funny eyes (droopy kids) and that feels far more liberating (and was free). I was ever very vain though. And I want to age naturally not fight it.

But it's not a cosmetic procedure in that it worsens causing complications.

I was staggered when varicose veins were suddenly listed as a cosmetic procedure. My SIL had them and they're debilitating.

If my husband wants something that makes him feel good, and we can afford it, then he’s absolutely free to get it. Same goes for me.

@Tinselandfairydust my optometrist actually measures my eyelid sag and she has mentioned that at some point it may become necessary to do surgery.
make sure he knows it's a genuine issue which can interfere with your field of vision and although he may only be aware of it being done for cosmetic purposes it is also done for medical reasons. Same for a breast lift or even a face peel.

If I was in this situation I can totally see my dh being unhappy, advising against etc. he would see it as a waste of money and the argument about possibly then wanting more surgery, would be valid.

bur I just can’t imagine him shutting down the conversation completely.

our money is agreed but there is a general acknowledgment that sometimes we spend money on things for ourselves- and we’ll discuss it but never “ask permission” as such- and he is by far the bigger breadwinner. A big thing like this would be discussed and he wouldn’t be happy but no way would he just shut down the entire conversation. If it was important to me he’d ultimately get over it.

I had an awful problem with my teeth. Antibiotics in childhood. They were striped and weak. I was earning enough to have implants, crowns and a bridge over three years. He moaned what a waste of money. This year a tooth of his broke finally. Guess who's having two implants now. He can't face dentures.

It's maintenance, teeth, eyes, whatever needs fixing if you can do it.

I think it's a tough one. it's you face & choice but I wouldn't be happy with DH using our money & risking looking different.

It's really weird to me that MN is so pro-cosmetic surgery.

and how it's framed around making yourself more confident & if some disagrees they want to keep you down. Weird

is everyone here ok with their partner having cosmetic surgery then?

DH earns more than me & we share money but both of us would discuss something 1k & up with each other.

I am, sure. He doesn’t need my permission any more than I need his 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not ‘framing’ getting cosmetic surgery as anything, as that suggests it’s something I need to justify. If it’s something i’m motivated enough to want to do, that I can afford, then I’ll do it. I don’t believe ‘learning to live’ with something you dislike is somehow more worthwhile than changing it. I’ve never been one for abnegation.