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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband said no to surgery

255 replies

Tinselandfairydust · 07/12/2022 18:24

I want my blepharoplasty doing in a few years and husband has point blank said no.

My face my decision or is his right to tell me I cant?

So unhappy with my tired eyes

OP posts:
username8888 · 07/12/2022 18:46

What are the costs you've been quoted. I was told about £1-2K. My DH had it done on the NHS as his eyes were hooded. Would separate finances suit you or is he the much higher earner?

username8888 · 07/12/2022 18:47

He is also being very selfish and not understanding of you and your feelings of confidence.

TheOriginalEmu · 07/12/2022 18:47

YellowTreeHouse · 07/12/2022 18:34

YABU. I wouldn’t be happy with DH having cosmetic surgery and I certainly wouldn’t allow it to come out of joint money.

So I see his point about separating finances if you’re insistent.

Why? If it’s something making your partner unhappy why would you not want him to feel good about himself?

girlmom21 · 07/12/2022 18:47

If you don't want it done for a few years, what are the chances of your earnings increasing to be similar to his in that time?

Soothsayer1 · 07/12/2022 18:47

it is something that would increase my confidence
thats why he's trying to gaslight you into thinking you have to obey him, he doesnt want you confident, he wants you downtrodden & obedient

Quveas · 07/12/2022 18:48

Mojoj · 07/12/2022 18:39

Then he'll be doing you a favour. Can never understand why couples pool their earnings. It just leads to one of them thinking they can dictate to the other how they spend their own money. Get the op, let him have a strop and hey presto, your earnings will be your own again.

Show quote history

And if the OP earns a lot less than him, hey presto, she may find that it's not that much fun being able to spend her own money the way she wants.

OP like others here I'd think long and hard about cosmetic surgery. But I also get how you feel. Can you think about some alternatives since this isn't immediate. I love eye masks and under eye gel pads. They make me feel great. There's also infrared eye machines. These things all cost very little. Why not try alternatives. Because surgery is expensive and carries risks, even if it works. And it may not, as others have said, turn out how you hope.

Original poster
Tinselandfairydust · 07/12/2022 18:50

He earns much more than me I work around the kids and his hours

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 07/12/2022 18:50

username8888 · 07/12/2022 18:47

He is also being very selfish and not understanding of you and your feelings of confidence.

he understands very well and he knows it would get in the way of him having complete control...he's king of his castle and she has to obey him

Soothsayer1 · 07/12/2022 18:52

Tinselandfairydust · 07/12/2022 18:50

He earns much more than me I work around the kids and his hours

he has all the power and he's using it
I would do it anyway and leave the git

Original poster
Tinselandfairydust · 07/12/2022 18:54

He has not considered it at all and point blank said no, mentioned going and buying material things for himself of the same value and how would I feel about that.

OP posts:
LocalHobo · 07/12/2022 18:55

I wouldn't be happy with DH having cosmetic surgery as every surgical procedure carries risks. This is understandable if there is a medical need. I wouldn't expect him to risk his health for his appearance

Exactly this. If something unexpectedly goes wrong your DH will be left with sole responsibility for the DC.

girlmom21 · 07/12/2022 18:55

Tinselandfairydust · 07/12/2022 18:50

He earns much more than me I work around the kids and his hours

Then tell him the only reason he earns so much more than you is because you accommodate him so if he wants to play it that way you'll have to work more and he'll have to do more childcare and earn less.

LeilaDarling · 07/12/2022 18:56

Bhleroplasty has fantastic results, it’s a day case and I can see why you want it. You don’t need his permission and get your finances separate now.

Original poster
Tinselandfairydust · 07/12/2022 18:56

He hasnt mentioned the implications just the finance and me getting addicted to surgery. I get what you are saying though and would never rush in to it so I do appreciate your comment

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 07/12/2022 18:57

I would not be happy if DH was spending money from our joint account on unnecessary surgery

Summerhillsquare · 07/12/2022 18:58

I bet he's spent what he likes on his interests over the years.

SammySawdust · 07/12/2022 18:58

Dear god. I can't imagine being in a relationship like this. Be your own person for heaven's sake. How can you bear to be told what you can or cannot do?

theedgeofalorry · 07/12/2022 18:58

Tinselandfairydust · 07/12/2022 18:36

Thank you for your replies, I've only gone and posted two threads about this, thought I had deleted the other....

how did you think you’d deleted the other one when there’s no option to delete threads Confused

gannett · 07/12/2022 18:58

It's really weird to me that MN is so pro-cosmetic surgery. Not only would I not allow a partner to spend joint money on it, I'd be massively disappointed in them if they chose to spend their own money on it. Choosing to spend that amount on something so superficial and potentially dangerous, above all the useful or even enjoyable things it could be spent on... it would show me that we didn't have the same values after all.

YABU. Learn to love your aging body and face as it actually is. Cosmetic surgery is not going to fix your fundamental insecurity about your looks.

Original poster
Tinselandfairydust · 07/12/2022 18:59

There was a delete button on something and I thought it was the other post, cant navigate this site

OP posts:
bloodyplanes · 07/12/2022 18:59

Someone thinking that they can point blank tell me no about having cosmetic surgery on MY body would piss me off no end and make me even more determined to do it! He's not your parent, he can have an opinion but he doesn't get to decide and most certainly doesn't get to just say no!

Testina · 07/12/2022 18:59

Tinselandfairydust · 07/12/2022 18:50

He earns much more than me I work around the kids and his hours

Didn’t see that coming…

girlmom21 · 07/12/2022 19:00

Hoppinggreen · 07/12/2022 18:57

I would not be happy if DH was spending money from our joint account on unnecessary surgery

Is it unnecessary if it'll boost her self-confidence?

LunaTheCat · 07/12/2022 19:00

It’s so hard. Just because you earn less doesn’t mean that you are not an equitable contributor.
Can you do a night job.. night fill at supermarket for a night a week and separate account to pay for it?
How is he if you want to buy new clothes? Go to a hairdresser? Is he otherwise controlling with finances.

Testina · 07/12/2022 19:01

I wouldn’t spend my money on my husband having unnecessary surgery. I would however happily spend twice the amount on counselling for him, if he wanted that to address his lack of confidence.