Husband said no to surgery

[Tinselandfairydust]

I want my blepharoplasty doing in a few years and husband has point blank said no.

My face my decision or is his right to tell me I cant?

So unhappy with my tired eyes

I don't know if you are being unreasonable or not, but certainly when it comes to family money it is not just your decision. If you have it done, how much, as a proportion, of your savings would you be spending, and is there anything that you would not be doing as a result? This is something that would be just for you, and although that is absolutely fine, if it means that a car that needs replacing isn't or the cushion that you have for emergencies is gone, then that's not on.

OP, how much does it cost and can it be done under local instead of GA? There is a difference whether it is 2K or 8K and whether you need to take the risk of GA.Having had one done (lower), I feel it is completely worth it for me. I went from dreading catching my reflection in a window and cringing at how tired I look to being a non-issue. The results were very subtle but it freed my mind. I should have done it earlier. It was the only thing I was self-conscious about on a daily basis. I just wanted that one thing fixed. I did not become a cosmetic surgery .junkie and I am aging as it should be.

I think that without knowing details of OP's finances (which she understandably may not want to say) it's not possible to say if it's reasonable. Is this going to take 90% of their savings and it will take years to rebuild it? Or do they have loads of savings and this is a drop in the ocean?

Hi the cost is £2300 and will take around 45 mins I'm told. I'm having it done for purely cosmetic reasons (shock horror) but I did have a vision field test and my eyesight IS affected by the drooping lids a little.

I'm in the West Midlands so not sure how the cost compares to where you are.
Am I vain and shallow? Probably! But I'm doing this for ME. All the counseling in the world is not going to perk them eye lids up. My take is that if it was liposuction - I'd try to eat healthily and exercise before going under the knife - there's no alternative to this.

really easy quick procedure with great results. I wish I'd had mine done years before I did. go ahead and do it!

In other words, he's quite happy for your money to pay for things for the family, but not for yourself?

I'd hate to be in a position where I wanted to do something for myself to make myself feel better but my dh said no. Wouldn't happen. I'd take any health concerns he had on board but he doesn't get a say in how I spend my money. Op if this is a reflection of how you share finances then I think you have bigger issues.

@girlmom21 the procedure isn’t done under a GA, it’s normally performed with light sedation.

I get why your DH might have reservations.

The risks of something going wrong via general anaesthetic and him being a solo parent and widow....or it going horribly wrong and you looking like Simon Cowell.

Especially since you say you otherwise keep yourself 'natural looking', no fake eyelash, fake nails etc. Your DH might like the natural look, including your eye bags that come with aging.

There's also the differing values, he thinks it's superficial, you think it's important.

Ive had work done when much younger, and as I've matured it's made me realise it's not worth it. Sure it's nice to look good, but looking good shouldn't be the foundation on which feeling good is built. Working on your self esteem via therapy etc is key. Undoing societal pressures to look a certain way and knowing personality is key is essential.

Honestly, look into temporary measures eg fillers, serums, etc. Invest in therapy to address this. If you're still unhappy, get it done.

Your DH sounds like a financially controlling man. He is basically threatening you with poverty (relying solely on your low wage because you do the childcare)....if he can't dictate the way joint money is spent. King of the castle: Freedom project...look it up.

The fact he doesn't even want to discuss it is concerning. It's like he can't even be bothered to explain to you why he objects, as if you're not worth an explanation or discussion, as to why he disagrees. Again, red flag for an abusive man.

I bet he is controlling on other areas too.

I had my upper eyelids done 20 years ago for the same reasons as the OP. I was 42 and I would say that it is only now, at 62, that my eyelids are perhaps looking as they were pre-op.

It was one of the best choices I made and I was far more outgoing afterwards. A few years later I was asked to go on the Lorraine Kelly show to talk about it but I didn’t have the confidence for that!
I’ve not had any other procedures, I don’t do fillers or botox etc., in fact I’ve lived 13 years post op mastectomy without reconstruction.
For those who would never consider it fair enough but ;please don’t judge those who do by suggesting it will not be the answer to all their life’s problems - of course it’s not that - but it is a simple and effective way to resolve a very real and visible problem with long lasting results.

"Complications in blepharoplasty are uncommon and, when they occur, they are usually mild and transient, such as hematomas and chemosis. However, sometimes they can be severe, such as blindness, or they might require surgical correction."
9.5% of procedures don't go to plan apparently. Personally I wouldn't want to take that risk simply because I look weary, and I would be very sad if my DH decided to go ahead with similar.

Just wanted to say that there’s a lot of scaremongering about general anaesthesia here - it’s generally very very safe!

If I were your husband, I wouldn't be happy with the risk vs reward of this procedure. You could have complications that cause ongoing eye problems. Even irritation/dryness is a very aggravating and annoying symptom to live with every day. Menopause did that to me. I suppose unless he has form for being controlling or difficult, that he just would prefer you to be how you are as he doesn't see a big problem?

OP, I think there might be other ways to work on your confidence that don't involve expensive surgery. It's all very well to think that you'll suddenly feel super-confident and attractive once you've had this surgery - but what if you don't? On the whole, any kind of cosmetic surgery isn't going to solve a lack of confidence. My guess is that you look absolutely fine just as you are, and your husband thinks so too. He might fear that you would somehow become a 'different person' if you have this surgery (that's one thing I'd fear if my partner were proposing to have any kind of surgery).

Moreover, most of us will end up having some kind of surgery which we don't want. Surgery is invasive and there can be complications. Even if there aren't, there's always a recovery period which limits what you can and can't do, and causes a degree of pain/discomfort. Why inflict it on yourself when you don't have to?

I completely disagree that your husband is controlling. Why should the money that he has largely earned be spent on a completely unnecessary procedure? If the OP desperately needed an operation and was going to have to wait for 18 months with pain on the NHS or get it done tomorrow privately and her husband was saying no, that would be problematic. If I were the main breadwinner and my partner were proposing to spend the money that I had earned for our family on having his eyebags lifted, I'd be saying no bloody way.

I'm 38 and my eyelids are getting increasingly hooded, it's really ageing me and I'd like this done in the future, for myself and my confidence. I don't do fake anything although I did have my teeth straightened a couple of years ago. My husband would be happy for me to have it done because he wants me to be happy, we haven't got loads of money either I'd like to point out. I work in an operating theatre and have seen this op done numerous times under local anaesthetic.

OP I think your DH sounds like HE is the unreasonable one.

How are your financials? Do you have enough in savings that you getting it would mean you struggled if your boiler broke down or you needed work doing on your house at some point in the next year?

There's alot of surgery scaremongering on this thread like if it goes wrong you'll look like celebrities who've had facelifts and filler and implants all from this one procedure which I think is silly, if you go ahead with it somehow make sure you read realself reviews of surgeons (check the lowest rated reviews on a doctor first and use fb groups to ask about a specific surgeon) and the chances of it going wrong are quite low.

If loving yourself was as easy as just accepting how a feature looked, everyone would be happy with themselves, but it doesn't work like that. If this is really bothering you and your self esteem I would say go for it regardless of your DH. Women's self esteem as a collective is not your responsibility, you shouldn't accept how something looks that you don't like just because people say that surgery preys on women's insecurities. If you didn't like your body you could lose weight, if you didn't like how your skin looked, you could use makeup, things like drooping eyelids are hard to mask without surgery. I've had a rhinoplasty and jaw surgery paid for by my husband and have no regrets, also didn't become hooked on plastic surgery after I fixed the things that were bothering me. Stay away from under eye fillers as an alternative, you don't want to add extra weight (filler) in an area that's sagging and giving you trouble.

Some people find vanity based body modification like plastic surgery really grotesque and the thought of actually part funding it is too much to ask. There is a moral aspect to plastic surgery, it’s not just about looks.

I bet their hair shirts itch

@Tinselandfairydust you will find your peripheral vision will improve post surgery. Which is especially important if you drive

i think you’ve got bigger problems than your eyelids, OP. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who thinks they’re entitled to BAN me from doing anything. I can understand him objecting to paying for it but to say that you can’t save YOUR OWN MONEY to have it done. Does he think he’s the boss of your life? Tell him to fuck off.

FWIW I’ve just had a cosmetic operation much bigger than this, it’s changed my life for the better and the difference in my confidence is off the scale. My husband fully supported my decision and there was never an element of ‘asking permission’. I work full time and paid from my own private savings.

My granny advised all of us to keep a separate savings account after marriage.

The ignorance around this issue is staggering.

I have the same problem with drooping eyelids @Tinselandfairydust and I hate them! My eyes always feel dry and sore, and I look as if I have no eyes, especially in photos - to the extent that I now put my glasses on for a photo, whereas years ago I'd have taken them off. My rather-too-forthright auntie recently informed me that I look better with my glasses on than with them off - and she's right!

I'd never thought of any sort of procedure, just thought I'd have to live with it. I've never had Botox, fillers, any sort of cosmetic procedure, and I have no wish to either. My lips have also got very thin as I've aged but that's too bad.

However, last year my optician suggested, and indeed recommended I have surgery, and has referred me on the NHS. I wasn't sure whether to agree because the idea of any sort of surgery on my eyelids freaks me out, but I opted for the referral on the basis that I could still chicken out. I've been waiting for over a year now so far. I think if I ever get to the top of the list, I'd have it done.

It's not some sort of vanity project, and I am 60 in a few months - I am 100% not trying to turn back the clock! I don't care that I don't have perky tits and I don't want higher cheekbones!! I'd just like to have my eyes back please!

Your DH has no right to say a point blank 'no' without so much as a discussion! Find out a bit more about costs etc. and book an appt with an ophthalmologist and seek advice as you might be eligible for referral on the NHS depending on how bad your eyelids are.