Husband said no to surgery

[Tinselandfairydust]

I want my blepharoplasty doing in a few years and husband has point blank said no.

My face my decision or is his right to tell me I cant?

So unhappy with my tired eyes

Why don't you post a photo of one of your eyes - he might be worried you will look different.

I had heavy under eye bags and very heavy droopy top lids inherited from my father's side of the family. I had both top and bottom lids done a few years ago, and the difference was amazing. Before surgery you couldn't see my top lids due to the heavy flap of skin which hung over them, and the under eye bags just made me look tired.
Having the surgery was one of the best things I've done, It gave me a fresh appearance, and people started remarking how well I looked, without knowing I'd had surgery.
I paid for it myself, and when the time comes if need be I'll have it done again. You just need to find a good surgeon, I went to one of the many Spire hospital's and my surgeon also worked for the NHS at the time.

If you want this work done, and can fund it yourself it's your choice to make.

This isn't even surgery anymore, it's considered as procedure now. Very easy procedure. Do you guys put some pocket money aside for your own shopping etc.? Maybe you could fund it this way.

Why should she? It's not relevant to the discussion

Maybe he's happy ageing alongside you, and you deciding (which you have every right to do) to have surgery to tighten things up is making him look at himself and feel insecure.

It's all relative though.. what may cause him say a small bout of insecurity probably massively affects the OP's life..

I doubt that. I think he's probably looking at the person whom he loves and wondering why she wants to become a fake version of herself, when she looks lovely to him as she is. This is probably making him wonder who she actually is.

This is probably making him wonder who she actually is.
Having cosmetic surgery isn't a personality type, it's something you can do, maybe he has inaccurate preconceived ideas of a person who does this, which he is projecting onto her.

Possibly so. But if my partner were to start having cosmetic procedures, I would view him in a very different light. He wouldn't be the person with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life. Surely you love someone as they are, not a fake version of them? I would also wonder, if my partner decided to have a vanity treatment, if they were secretly looking at me and thinking of all the ways in which I am imperfect (i.e. ageing).

I would re-evaluate my relationship with someone so controlling they said I can't change something on my own body because they personally like it.
If you love someone as they are then that also means accepting them as a person with their own desires, that you might not personally share.
If I said I wanted to change one specific thing about my appearance and my partner said he liked it I would think that reassurance is nice and comes from a good place, if they then suggested that reassurance should be enough to make me change my mind or put my silly ideas away, then I would think they assume that my feelings about me should come from their approval and I'd put them straight that I am a whole person and I am allowed to like what I see in the mirror.
The OP doesn't have to never change something that she personally feels shit about because her partner may wonder if that means she looks at him differently, he should just ask her if he wonders that.

I suppose I just wonder about the sanity of people who go down the cosmetic enhancement route. If you're nice and friendly and make people laugh, nobody's going to care that your eyes or chin or whatever are droopy. Changing your appearance give you a fake form of confidence and I am afraid I'd think it insufferably vain and shallow if my partner were to do it.

I’m not sure you can question anyone else’s sanity and then proceed to crack out the twee shite that 1, no one reasonably believes, and 2, assumes that the reasons you’d get cosmetic surgery pertain to the opinions of onlookers. No, you can dislike an aspect of your appearance and correct it entirely for your own benefit.

Nothing fake about it either, given that the results are tangible.

Why wouldn't your husband want you to look much younger and want you to boost your confidence? I had this procedure done about 12 years ago and once it had healed I felt and looked fabulous.

Probably due to the cost? For me to take from shared money would depend on whether it is medically necessary or not. If it was genuinely hampering vision then I’d not object, if it wasn’t then I would.

Personally, I would agree a certain amount gets deposited into a separate account each for personal spends. That eliminates the whole "coming out of joint money" argument. Its also easier for us - if we go out with friends, then its our personal money that's spent, not money for bills.

My spouse and I went through this awhile ago - they wanted a much more invasive procedure for cosmetic and health benefits. I'm generally against optional procedures / surgery due to finances and risk, but in the end we agreed on it. There's a difference which took some getting used to, but they are much happier and have improved self-confidence.

I would say that this is down to you to make that decision but another perspective is that my daughter wants surgery on her nose, as everything will be great for her once she has done this. Thing is, I am pretty certain, she won't be happy with a nose job. She will then be unhappy with some aspect of her new nose, or want something else doing. I can't stop her once she has the money but it really concerns me as she has an unhealthy obsession with her looks. Do you think this could be a concern for your husband?

Is it possible that your DD is preoccupied with her looks because of her nose, rather than a vain thing?
My friends DD recently had a Rhinoplasty, she wanted it since she was about 15, her looks were always an issue for her, she left college, got a job and started saving for it but unfortunately she met someone who didn't want her to have it he was a bit persuasive in general not just with that, it wasn't a good relationship she ended up having a child with him and when they broke up last year she finally booked her much wanted nose job. She is so happy with it, now this guy tells anyone who will listen about it like it's a reflection on her parenting or her as a person that she has her priorities wrong. She just did what she should have always been able to do as an adult with autonomy. As far as I know she isn't picking holes in any other feature. Does your DD criticise any of her other features now?

Being deeply unhappy about something can create that preoccupation. It also doesn’t follow that fixing one thing leads to looking for other things to fix. Addiction to surgery is not some inevitability, any more than a glass of wine automatically leads to alcoholism. It’s perfectly possible to have a surgery, be completely happy with it, and move on with life without any desire to go under the knife again, having achieved your objective.

‘learning to live’ with something that makes you miserable isn’t inherently more noble than changing it if it’s within your power to do so. The former doesn’t win you any prizes.

You can choose to do whatever you want to your face. And he can choose to be with you if you end up looking like Droopy the Dog! Personally I find that unless you have an extremely skilled surgeon you can end up looking a right state. I'd be worried about looking surprised all the time after an eyebrow job! Saying that I have the face/eye skin of Boris Johnson after a bad night out so I probably need an intervention!

@whumpthereitis and @itwasntmetho ,i appreciate your comments and realise how I may sound and come across badly. My daughter does have a diagnosis of body dysmorphia and is very critical of other parts of her face. It feels like she is pinning future happiness on surgery when in fact what she considers a serious flaw in her nose, for example, I cannot see, nor can others.
I understand by having surgery for a "flaw" could make her happier but knowing her history and behaviour, I am not convinced. Of course if she chooses surgery on the future, we won't fall out over it. Good to have alternative opinions and to think about them though.

Your body, your choice, end of. You are NOT being unreasonable in asserting your right to bodily autonomy

A Blepharoplasty doesn't alter the position of the eyebrow, it trims back the excess skin which creates hooded eyelids and can look crepey. It reveals the lower lid again so that eyeshadow is visible again and mascara stops printing onto the top lid.

Hi OP. Just wanted to check in with you. I had my bleph procedure yesterday - I'd been waiting two months as I wanted to maximize my time off work to recover. I currently look like I'm "dead" according to my eldest daughter and it IS going to take a couple of weeks for the bruising to go - I bruise easily so no surprise there. But I can tell already that the hooded skin is GONE and in a few weeks I'll feel more confident about how I look. £2.5k - was it worth it? Every bloody penny.

Thanks again @Tinselandfairydust - optician referred me a year ago for surgery, and she also noticed an issue with my peripheral vision. I'm back for another appt in the new year.

@1980sfookup that's great you had your procedure done, and that you are happy with it. I've hated the feeling and appearance of my eyes for years! Clearly now it is affecting my peripheral vision, so much as I'm terrified, I really want it done now! Must push the optician to chase it up as I've been on the NHS waiting list for over a year.

Best wishes with your recovery.