Husband said no to surgery

[Tinselandfairydust]

I want my blepharoplasty doing in a few years and husband has point blank said no.

My face my decision or is his right to tell me I cant?

So unhappy with my tired eyes

If it's joint money he certainly does get to say no.

If OP uses her own money entirely he doesn't get to, but he does get to be disappointed in her choices.

We have a discretionary fund each, same amount each. If you were to save up for it over time, I don't see how he can complain.

I expect he thinks it’ll boost her confidence for just as long as it takes her lack of self confidence to kick back in again - and then she’ll be hankering after something else.

I dont really spend much on me just the house and kids.
The money I get next year is not from earnings but he still says no, so me working more would still be seen as our money like anything we earn always has.

I would not be happy with his attitude. Your feelings about your appearance, and the fact your eyes feel 'heavy' are just as important as any other emotional concerns, depression for example. If you are coming into a bit of money, use that and to hell with him. FWIW, I'm considering it too. Had Graves disease which can make the eyes bulge. Only in my case, one widened rather than bulged while the other is aging normally with hooding. It looks odd to me, even if DH says he doesn't notice it. We're a team but I am still an individual and my needs are still important so even if my dh was against it, I'd do it if it felt right for me.

I actually manage the finances but I'm not one to spend on myself and we communicate about what we do buy.

Is it definitely surgery that you want for your eyes? Could tear trough fillers be a cheaper, less invasive solution?

Paper over her lack of confidence, you mean.

If the goal is to boost self-confidence, the aim should be to get to a point where you're so happy and secure with your looks that you don't need to spend stupid money on a surgical solution.

The way the cosmetic surgery industry preys on people's insecurities and cons them into thinking an expensive surgical procedure is the only fix... is truly disgusting.

It may well be based on how you talk about your insecurities and plastic surgery or how much of your time is occupied by this - do you watch shows etc.

I too wouldn't be keen on my husband wanting to spend my money on ab implants because he is insecure about how his stomach looks etc.

I am pretty anti plastic surgery myself and would be very disappointed if my husband was all about the altering his face and body to meet some influencer norm for how men or women should look or not age.

YANBU

However, it is a lot of money and if he’s earning the most then I can see why he’d not want to spending so much on something that he probably doesn’t see an issue with.

I’d wait until the DCs start school and then get a FT job so you can start saving for it yourself.

If he wanted to spend the same amount of money on a motorbike or large tattoo, how would you feel?

Would you think it’s his money so he can do what he wants or would you feel it’s too much money to spend on something that he doesn’t need?

I'd not be happy with DH wanting to spend joint money on cosmetic surgery and he wouldn't be happy with me doing it either.

Your DH sounds like he's being an arse in the way he's objecting, but I don't think anyone in a relationship should be able to spend large amounts of joint money without agreement from their partner.

@spuddel thank you and I hope your procedure makes you feel amazing X

My kids are at school and I work between drop off and pick up but he earns much more.
I get your point on him buying material things and this is the way he has put it across to me also.

Out of curiosity, if you said you'd been looking at new sofas and found one you liked, what would he say?

@RewildingAmbridge

u would be entitled to feel that way but he is entitled to go ahead anyway seeing as it’s his body

@musingsinmidlife no I dont watch shows about surgery, I'm not bothered for much of the procedures I see its just my eyes feeling heavy and tired and that's the only part of my face I am deeply unhappy with

How do the two of you manage money op?

Many people do the following - all money in joint pot, pay everything out for house/kids/work/savings/pensions - remainder split absolutely equally in to both parties accounts to do as they will with.

Could you install that, completely fair, system now and save your 'remainder' up?

My DH has always earned FAR more than me, but we've always shared everything equally, as we are a family. If one of us wanted to spend a significant amount on something we would have to discuss it. I wouldn't be happy if, for example, he wanted to spend loads on a tv or video game system. But perhaps as PP have suggested, you both could agree to allocate a certain amount of money to each of you each month, then you could save that up for your surgery. Or, if you want to spend say £2k, then he has £2k to spend on whatever he wants.
However the main problem I see here is how quickly he suggests each of you keeping your own earnings - knowing full damn well that you earn less, and that you work around him and the kids. That attitude is a problem.

@girlmom21 we have actually being looking and he is fine, hes fine when I'm constantly buying for the kids or when I get a hair trim once every 6 months x

@gannett so effectively they are not sharing money because he is telling her what she can and cannot spend it on! She also earns far less due to children etc so he is essentially blackmailing her knowing she can't fund it without him. He sounds like a controlling tosser tbh!

Oh wind your neck in.

My DH and I have our own ‘spending money’ which we can save. All our income is paid into our joint account, and bills / savings come out of that. We have direct debits set up to pay an equal set amount into our own personal accounts. This is used to buy anything personal such as clothes, hobbies etc. If I wanted to blow it all on designer handbags and shoes he’d have no say in it.
Why don’t you do the same so that you can start saving up for your cosmetic surgery?

A minor cosmetic procedure to boost your confidence and he gets to dictate because he's the higher earner because your working around the kids..... Fuck that!

It’s your face not his, but he’d be right to be concerned about it going wrong.

If it’s purely about money then you need to agree an equivalent purchase for him that is the only fair outcome. He is being out of order saying your finances will split over it - but when he is calm he should admit to that and admit that he just thinks it’s a waste of money.

This is nonsense. Sharing money doesn't mean you don't have a budget or discussion about spending and that both people agree with large expenses. Sharing money doesn't mean it is all OPs to spend however she wants on herself.