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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should have to look after her sick child?

341 replies

Crunchycooki · 07/12/2022 18:08

My friend asked if I could pick her child up from nursery as she’s working a long shift. I agreed. Got to the nursery today and they told me her mum dropped her off saying she is sick, so if they need to call they can call her. They tried calling all day and no answer from her even though I’ve spoken to her today.

Shes now at my house, very chesty, she’s been sick, she’s falling asleep and says her tummy hurts. I have a younger child and we have just gotten over a horrible week of illness. Mum doesn’t finish work until 9 tonight despite my texts to say she needs to pick her up as she’s not well she apparently can’t leave 😡

OP posts:
mam0918 · 08/12/2022 19:34

Emotionalsupportviper · 08/12/2022 19:24

Exactly - child can't have been dreadfully unwell or they wouldn't have allowed her in.

Show quote history

Kids can get sick fast.

I was in hospital for a week with strep, got the all clear and felt better and went back to school and had been back 3 daysfeeling fine. Then on the 4th day out of the blue at lunch projectile vomited, had a fit and had to be rushed back to hospital.

My mam also didn't answer her phone because I seemed fine that morning and had been cleared by a doctor 5 days earlier after having been treated so assumed I would be fine... I was not.

RecklessGoddess · 08/12/2022 19:37

Actually, there is no excuse for her doing that, there are laws in place for that kind of situation. I'm a lone parent, and I had to use this law against a boss, who was trying to tell me that I couldn't take time off for my sick child. Their boss agreed that it was true, when I went to him.

To think I should have to look after her sick child?
Chevybaby · 08/12/2022 19:44

I feel very sorry for everybody here. It’s a tough time for everybody right now but single parents have got it extra tough. I don’t think she did the right thing at all but when you’re desperate sometimes you’ve got to decide what is the best worst thing to do. If she loses her job and can’t pay for food or heating her daughter is going to suffer a lot more in the long run.

Sorry you’re taking the brunt of this though. Sounds like a horrible situation and I hope none of your family get sick.

rosemarysalter · 08/12/2022 19:49

Well done, you're a good mate and you did a good thing: my child has been at
School
Surrounded by illness but
She's been ok: you can't sheild kids
From winter illness

That poor mother. Im sure she wouldn't have done that if she wasn't desperate

Yes she can take time off legally but doesn't mean her employer has to pay her.

Of course you cant call social services or leave her at the nursery. What sane person would
Do that?

Mumto32022 · 08/12/2022 20:06

I think it’s very easy to judge someone when you don’t know the full story. Yes it’s not fair she was unwell and you didn’t know (I don’t agree with that). But when I’m in work (I am a midwife) I am not allowed my phone on me / cannot check it. Even if I did and I had an unwell child it would be very very difficult for me to leave work as staffing often does not allow. That’s just the way it is. If it’s an office job I guess it’s different but there’s many jobs including NhS jobs where staff would find it near enough impossible to leave mid shift.

YukoandHiro · 08/12/2022 20:13

Sorry you've been put in this situation. That poor little baby. I would think much less of this mum after that. I don't think I would continue the friendship.

threatmatrix · 08/12/2022 20:14

Crunchycooki · 07/12/2022 18:08

My friend asked if I could pick her child up from nursery as she’s working a long shift. I agreed. Got to the nursery today and they told me her mum dropped her off saying she is sick, so if they need to call they can call her. They tried calling all day and no answer from her even though I’ve spoken to her today.

Shes now at my house, very chesty, she’s been sick, she’s falling asleep and says her tummy hurts. I have a younger child and we have just gotten over a horrible week of illness. Mum doesn’t finish work until 9 tonight despite my texts to say she needs to pick her up as she’s not well she apparently can’t leave 😡

Yanbu, but this mother might be at her wits end and trying to keep her job. She shouldn’t of done what she did but this could be desperation.

CriticalAlert · 08/12/2022 20:21

The mother might be desperate that she'll lose her job, she's a single mother. Don't forget we're living in very tough times. I'd do my best for the kid, antibacterial everything, wait till mother gets back, and explain that you can't do this again.

Redead · 08/12/2022 20:23

Mumto32022 · 08/12/2022 20:06

I think it’s very easy to judge someone when you don’t know the full story. Yes it’s not fair she was unwell and you didn’t know (I don’t agree with that). But when I’m in work (I am a midwife) I am not allowed my phone on me / cannot check it. Even if I did and I had an unwell child it would be very very difficult for me to leave work as staffing often does not allow. That’s just the way it is. If it’s an office job I guess it’s different but there’s many jobs including NhS jobs where staff would find it near enough impossible to leave mid shift.

Yes exactly. What are you supposed to do? Tell a laboring women as she’s crowning “oh sorry my kids sick and I have to pick her up from daycare. Good luck?” 🤣

12Sims · 08/12/2022 20:24

@allboysherebutme

really… you must be on a wind up as that’s just absolute rubbish.

Janus · 08/12/2022 20:39

@Mumto32022 I totally understand your position but I also assume you have someone else the school would call? What if, for example, your child broke their arm at school, you must have a partner/mum/ someone who is your back up? This mum must have some other back up surely? I would never expect someone else to take over without expressly asking if they can manage, it’s too much to assume someone will just carry one with a poorly vomiting child until 9pm surely?

Undaunted77 · 08/12/2022 20:46

icanwearwhatiwant · 07/12/2022 18:17

Whilst I do think this is a massive shame for you and for the child. I think some of the replies are a bit harsh towards the mum. She may well be desperate rather than a "bitch" maybe faced with disciplinary or losing her job over it? Some bosses are not at all sympathetic about this sort of thing.
Also, no dad? Has he been asked to come and get her at all?

This.

I can’t imagine what it must be like for sole breadwinner single parents with no family support, desperate to keep their jobs so they can keep their kids housed and fed. They face impossible situations and impossible choices all the time. Leave a child at nursery and with a friend for a day, or potentially lose your job? In that situation I would feel wracked with guilt and worry, but I can’t swear I wouldn’t do the same in that situation. I wish all of you jumping to call the mum a bitch, a dickhead etc would walk a mile in her shoes.

I read recently a terrible case about a mother in the US who had no childcare options, was in terrible financial straits and left her kids at home alone when she went to work, where they tragically died in a house fire caused by her landlord’s failure to maintain the electrics. In sentencing her to years in jail, the judge criticised her for failing to have built a “support network” to step in to look after her kids.

This thread is a prime example of just how hard it is to build a support network.

Thisisnotapipe · 08/12/2022 21:02

I’m absolutely disgusted by the judgemental, ignorant and outright unkind replies in this thread. You are awful people, who’ve unquestioningly swallowed all the dogma you’ve ever heard about single mothers. Or mothers in general. or shall we just say women? The zero fucks given for the lack of paternal input says everything. It honestly is pathetic.

CannibalQueen · 08/12/2022 21:26

What an incredibly mean thing to do to you. Rethink this friedship.

Mumto32022 · 08/12/2022 21:33

Yes they would call their father. I’m assuming she has emergency contacts at nursery. Most people would have to supply atleast two emergency contact numbers!

BustyLaRoux · 08/12/2022 21:46

Battyfumworts I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. I’m saying that people are very quick to judge. And the story in the US is an unfair basis to use as judgement on this woman. We don’t know why she didn’t answer her phone. Maybe, as she said, she didn’t receive any missed calls. Or maybe she was unable to have her phone on her. For someone to assume she’s out drinking with men is completely without foundation and says a lot about the individual who said it.

Battyfumworts · 08/12/2022 22:01

BustyLaRoux · 08/12/2022 21:46

Battyfumworts I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. I’m saying that people are very quick to judge. And the story in the US is an unfair basis to use as judgement on this woman. We don’t know why she didn’t answer her phone. Maybe, as she said, she didn’t receive any missed calls. Or maybe she was unable to have her phone on her. For someone to assume she’s out drinking with men is completely without foundation and says a lot about the individual who said it.

I’m not using it as a judgement on this woman, it was purely an example in answer to your question to the other poster. What kind of world are we living in where people make those assumptions (or whatever the question was). Well I’m pretty sure the US is in this world, and that’s the kind of world we are living in. Some people will jump to those conclusions and others won’t.

she could clearly txt OP so had access to her phone at some point. I generally try and give people the benefit of the doubt but this would ring alarm bells for me

BustyLaRoux · 08/12/2022 22:08

Well think what you will. I still think people have been utterly vile about this woman. People should be less quick to judge others. It says more about them than it does about this mother. This mother whom we know next to nothing about.

BustyLaRoux · 08/12/2022 22:11

Also, I didn’t say YOU were judging her. I said PEOPLE were judging her. And if the US woman or other stories like that were the basis of their judgement, then that’s completely unfair as there is no comparison.

Statusunknown · 08/12/2022 22:27

What's mum's job? And where is dad?

BobbyBobbyBobby · 08/12/2022 23:08

I would have called social services and let them collect the child and never speak to the so called friend again.

Stewball01 · 08/12/2022 23:57

Terrible what some mothers, or parents, do to their kids and bosses. I had a good one 48 years ago when my DS was at kindergarten and I got the call. My boss sent me home with instructions not to take him out in the rain but to call the doctor to come to me. It's a shame there aren't more bosses like him.
I don't live in England any more. I'm shocked at half the things I read here.

AlienSupaStar · 09/12/2022 04:21

Choppies · 07/12/2022 19:13

im sure if the daughter had ended up in hospital after an accident at nursery they would have at least left a voicemail for the mum to listen to or called her work. What she did isn’t great but it’s not worthy of calling her a bitch / neglectful / calling police / threatening with social services.

if I didn’t have a partner and an emergency babysitter to share the sick day pick ups with id have been fired from my clinical job long ago - not all just just let you walk out for a toddler with a temp.

@Choppies but what about OP’s children? What if they all catch the bug?

Such myopic thinking.

BustyLaRoux · 09/12/2022 07:13

Yes just call Social Care and blithely tell them there’s a poorly child needs collecting please! And of course they’ll just send someone along…. FFS!!!

CrazyLadie · 09/12/2022 13:21

Choppies · 07/12/2022 19:07

Maybe the mum is just desperate and hopes it’s just a regular toddler snotty nose. It must be hard for single parents trying to juggle 100% responsibilities for the childcare and the finances… if she’s a good friend try and cut her some slack if she’s struggling. She could have handled it better though

It sure is hard work for a single parent to handle everything on their own, I know I have struggled at times but I have NEVER ignored a call from nursery, school or anybody who was looking after him. Jobs are important but yer kids health is more important. Also in the UK there are laws covering parental leave