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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should have to look after her sick child?

341 replies

Crunchycooki · 07/12/2022 18:08

My friend asked if I could pick her child up from nursery as she’s working a long shift. I agreed. Got to the nursery today and they told me her mum dropped her off saying she is sick, so if they need to call they can call her. They tried calling all day and no answer from her even though I’ve spoken to her today.

Shes now at my house, very chesty, she’s been sick, she’s falling asleep and says her tummy hurts. I have a younger child and we have just gotten over a horrible week of illness. Mum doesn’t finish work until 9 tonight despite my texts to say she needs to pick her up as she’s not well she apparently can’t leave 😡

OP posts:
GUARDIAN1 · 08/12/2022 18:14

YANBU. As someone who was a single working mum for many years, I know how difficult it can be to take time off work with little ones, but if I knew my child was unwell I would never have had someone else pick them up. It’s very bad the school were unable to contact her. What if it wasn't about sickness, but she'd had a serious accident or something? I would be having very stern words with the mum.

T1Dmama · 08/12/2022 18:17

What a bloody nerve!
I would be texting her saying she needs to collect her child asap as you don’t want your baby catching the bug!
I’d be furious and I’d never agree to collect the child ever again… what a pi55 taker.

Dreamwhisper · 08/12/2022 18:18

BustyLaRoux · 08/12/2022 18:06

Battyfumworts that story is indeed awful. I’m not sure the relevance though. On the one hand there is a mother in the US who may or may not have murdered her own child. This thread is about a desperate mother taking her sick child to nursery and not being contactable, relying on the goodwill of a friend and perhaps not appreciating the position she put her friend in. Probably right now feeling quite guilty she had to work to make ends meet and wasn’t there for her poorly child. This woman has been called a bitch, a liar, neglectful, not capable of parenting and probably not even at work but out with “some man”. I am talking about what kind of world we live in where people judge this poor woman to be all of those heinous things. It is nothing like the story you reference. And if people’s reaction is to say she deserves it because they once read a story in the news about a single mother and she turned out to be a murderer (maybe) that’s some leap. That’s like me saying I once read about a baker who poisoned her neighbour so I’ll just judge all the other bakers I ever encounter and say they’re all dishonest and all likely to be plotting to poison people. It’s utterly ridiculous.

I do agree with that in fairness. I am somewhat privileged in that I don't really have to worry about this, so I think it's a little unfair of me to have judged so harshly.

That being said, being uncontactable from the nursery still feels really irresponsible. Though I suppose the mum trusted that her child was in a safe environment and felt trapped in an impossible position. It's freezing, it's just before Christmas, she probably cannot afford to lose a shift due to sickness.

Terrible position to be in 😔

ButterCrackers · 08/12/2022 18:21

ivykaty44 · 08/12/2022 18:12

That doesn't excuse the fact that however unfair it is that she is in this position, the mother has acted really irresponsibly.

the op is a responsible adult caring for the child, not an ideal situation but not irresponsible as the child is safe

It’s irresponsible because the op and her kids and family could get sick from the child. This could mean that she and partner miss work and don’t get paid. Their kids miss school, childminder fees having to be paid no matter what, the tiredness that lasts from looking after sick kids. The possible time off work could put them in a difficult position as well as dealing with sickness and any lasting effects from this. The friends child is safe and the friend too as she can do her job or whatever she was doing whilst the op was looking after her kid. She didn’t tell the op that her child was sick and that’s also irresponsible.

Mumkins42 · 08/12/2022 18:22

I feel for you and would feel the same about not wanting to catch anything. It might feel extreme but I'd wear a mask. I have health issues so have to be careful.

I have sympathy for the mum. Some people are in such a dire situation ( thanks Government -especially Tories) that this is their reality. I know many people so desperate that they'd take their little one to nursery. I've done it in the past.

It's not your responsibility though.- and I see how you feel taken advantage of. Can you take the hit this time, keep yourself and kids as well away as you can ( of possible). Get the I pad and blanket out. I wouldn't agree to help again in this situation tbh. I feel immensely for the mum but it has put you in a predicament and that's not ok.

SomersetS · 08/12/2022 18:26

Blimey that's completely unreasonable and unfair on you and your children, not to mention that poor child. If that child had been at school rather than nursery they would have been furious at failing to reach her. I would be texting very strong words and having similarly strong words when she finally arrives but you have no choice in the meantime.

ivykaty44 · 08/12/2022 18:27

ButterCrackers its selfish, not irresponsible and yes the op could get sick. That doesn't mean everyone should shout about the single mother as the child has two parents

ivykaty44 · 08/12/2022 18:30

Social services are there to help and really should be called as this mother could well do with some support - doubtful as to how much support could be offered but it should be concidered

ButterCrackers · 08/12/2022 18:34

ivykaty44 · 08/12/2022 18:27

ButterCrackers its selfish, not irresponsible and yes the op could get sick. That doesn't mean everyone should shout about the single mother as the child has two parents

It’s both irresponsible and selfish.
Unfortunately not all biological dads are actual dads in that they don’t give a toss about their kid/s. A father cares about his biological kids and the kids in his family situation - step kids, partners kids, whatever the situation is. That’s a father. The mother could see on getting child support increased or getting support at all. Some men are losers who don’t care about their children. He should look after his child or ensure care, if he lives/works at distance, but he isn’t as far as said here.

Agehdidbfkgjsgwgzbzk · 08/12/2022 18:38

What a horrible awful person the nursery should report to social services as that’s classed as neglect how does your friend know the nursery wasn’t ringing because they had to ring an ambulance for her dd

T1Dmama · 08/12/2022 18:39

Crunchycooki · 07/12/2022 19:21

I wouldn’t call social services or anything like that. She doesn’t have any family around her and she’s alone with her kids, I understand the pressure she’s under. If I didn’t have kids I would probably be more lax. However if my child gets this, then I have to take days off work and it’s not fair

And there in is the issue.. just because she’s a working single mum, she shouldn’t be risking your child’s health and forcing you to then in turn have to take time off work and loose wages. Utterly selfish

PeachyPeachTrees · 08/12/2022 18:44

No way nursey didn't call. She's lying to your face. That's on top of letting her sick child suffer and possibly infect your family and cause you a lot of worry.
I wouldn't look after her kid again after that. When you have as little support as she apparently has, you bend over backwards to be kind to supportive friends not act like this.

Yayhelen · 08/12/2022 18:46

Just a note to say what a nice supportive friend you sound like OP x

glad you managed to explain your perspective but also glad you have been so pragmatic - sounds like Mum needs the support.

fingers crossed you all stay healthy x

BustyLaRoux · 08/12/2022 18:48

ivykaty44 social care are not there “to help”. You can’t just call up and say “I know of this mum with a job and a young child and once I know of she went to work and didn’t answer her phone and the child was unwell at nursery and I think she might be struggling a bit.”

Mummytobaby · 08/12/2022 18:48

shocked how unkind people have been on here! Perhaps you have never had a job where they make your life difficult for repeated absences or not been a single parent. Cut her some slack unless you know her side.

Gingernan · 08/12/2022 18:48

I'm so sorry for your situation,the poor child and you and your little one too. Naughty of your friend but parents can be in a terrible bind with work, not letting people down etc. And employers aren't always sympathetic and put pressure on.
Of course the child must come first but she probably was hoping it would be ok...

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/12/2022 18:49

What sort of nursery accepts sick children?

SeeYouNextTLol · 08/12/2022 18:51

I can’t believe the horrible posts towards this single mum trying to provide for her child. It is a very sad situation and there was no need for those vitriol comments.

SeeYouNextTLol · 08/12/2022 18:52

Mummytobaby · 08/12/2022 18:48

shocked how unkind people have been on here! Perhaps you have never had a job where they make your life difficult for repeated absences or not been a single parent. Cut her some slack unless you know her side.

Exactly

Battyfumworts · 08/12/2022 19:07

BustyLaRoux · 08/12/2022 18:06

Battyfumworts that story is indeed awful. I’m not sure the relevance though. On the one hand there is a mother in the US who may or may not have murdered her own child. This thread is about a desperate mother taking her sick child to nursery and not being contactable, relying on the goodwill of a friend and perhaps not appreciating the position she put her friend in. Probably right now feeling quite guilty she had to work to make ends meet and wasn’t there for her poorly child. This woman has been called a bitch, a liar, neglectful, not capable of parenting and probably not even at work but out with “some man”. I am talking about what kind of world we live in where people judge this poor woman to be all of those heinous things. It is nothing like the story you reference. And if people’s reaction is to say she deserves it because they once read a story in the news about a single mother and she turned out to be a murderer (maybe) that’s some leap. That’s like me saying I once read about a baker who poisoned her neighbour so I’ll just judge all the other bakers I ever encounter and say they’re all dishonest and all likely to be plotting to poison people. It’s utterly ridiculous.

The relevance is that these things do happen and that is why some people make these assumptions. I doubt they would make those assumptions if it never happened. In that particular case she was out partying and seeing men when she left her child and said she was working. It was purely an example relating to your above response to another poster.

Unfortunately I have come across numerous people who think it’s ok to leave young kids alone, it’s not as uncommon as people might think.

Now I don’t agree with the name calling but I do think her actions were dishonest, irresponsible and neglectful. Who on earth ignores nursery calls when they know their child is sick. Her actions certainly don’t appear to be those of someone who feels guilt.

Rhodesiawassuper1972 · 08/12/2022 19:08

I think the mother of the sick girl has been unfair to everyone, and I feel bad for you, your family and also the little girl. The little girl needs to be with her mother and see a doctor right now! Had I been in your position, that is what I would have done - phoned and left a message, sent a text and a WhatsApp (and taken screenshots to be on the safe side!)

However, we don't know whether the mother actually had very little choice. Some work places are very unkind to working parents and if she is a single parent then the battle for this 'work-life balance' has just been lost.

I think some of the comments on here are completely out of order. I'm sure we can all make our point without resorting to gutter language.

AllyArty · 08/12/2022 19:12

Firstly i hope the little one is ok and that none of your family pick up whatever she has. Her mum is a single parent, it is tough situation, nobody will disagree with that. But bringing the LO to nursery and the nursery taking her - dunno which I'm more surprised about tbh. And maybe she has a job that doesn't allow her to use her phone. She must have a toilet break or a lunch break, so she must have been able to look at her phone at some point. Maybe she is desperate to keep the job, maybe she is on a warning but not to level with you, and not to return the nursery's calls - words fail me.

Emotionalsupportviper · 08/12/2022 19:24

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/12/2022 18:49

What sort of nursery accepts sick children?

Exactly - child can't have been dreadfully unwell or they wouldn't have allowed her in.

mam0918 · 08/12/2022 19:30

Wow bad parent and shitty friend... Im sure on her grave it will read 'great employee' though.

Who puts their boss above their sick child, only someone with their priorities completely backwards.

Missingpop · 08/12/2022 19:34

I’ve read your posts & I hope she realises how fortunate she is to have such a good friend; it’s scary when it’s someone else’s child & they’re ill; she’s been unfair but hopefully she’s learnt she needs to be more considerate, I hope your babies don’t pick whatever it is up x