To think I should have to look after her sick child?

[Crunchycooki]

My friend asked if I could pick her child up from nursery as she’s working a long shift. I agreed. Got to the nursery today and they told me her mum dropped her off saying she is sick, so if they need to call they can call her. They tried calling all day and no answer from her even though I’ve spoken to her today.

Shes now at my house, very chesty, she’s been sick, she’s falling asleep and says her tummy hurts. I have a younger child and we have just gotten over a horrible week of illness. Mum doesn’t finish work until 9 tonight despite my texts to say she needs to pick her up as she’s not well she apparently can’t leave 😡

I think everyone is being so horrible to this woman. You don't know the ins and outs of this story.

I feel really sad reading this. For the woman and for her daughter. She must be desperate to resort to this. Who wouldn't want to look after their sick child ? I can't imagine this has been a great day for her.

OP, you're the only one who knows her and can judge whether she actually just doesn't care or is absolutely desperate. I would find some compassion for her and ask her how she is when she picks up her DD. Let her know kindly that you would have preferred to know her DD was sick and are worried your kids will now get sick too. But tell her nicely and don't be mean about.

If she asks you to look after DD again, ask her before you agree whether she is sick.

The world is full of horrible, judgemental people. Don't be one of them. Find it in yourself to rise above and see the bigger picture. Your family situation sounds much more stable- she sounds completely alone. It's nearly Christmas. She needs a friend I think.

I really don't understand how a mum can do this, no matter how desperate she may be. If I get a call from the nursery while I'm at work, I will answer it no matter what. I've been in a meeting with some of the company directors before and had to excuse myself to take the call, because my child will always come first. I've left work loads of times to go collect my child, all parents do. I understand she may be under pressure at work, but this just isn't right.

If her child is so sick that she needs to be taken home, then she hasn't just put her friend's kids at risk, but also all the kids in the nursery too.

Of course don't call social services or anything like that, but also make it clear to your friend that this wasn't acceptable and you won't be picking her child up again. She has taken advantage of you, and I feel very sorry for the little girl. She clearly needed medication and because you aren't her parent and couldn't get in touch with her mum, you couldn't make the decision to give her it, which is completely right.

Well said.

What an absolute shit show. What if her kid had been hit by a bus.

Send her an invoice for the price of a nursery session. She's used you.

No problem. I’ve experienced this situation from the point of view of a childcare helper when it created problems for me but I helped at cost to myself because I thought it was a work situation. No problem for helping out for social events but it needs saying. As in kid sick then the parent looks after it and cancels going out with new partner. When I read it here I thought of course it might be this.

That's a nasty and unfounded assumption.

OP has stated that she's alone and struggling, with her children and to make ends meet, no doubt.

No need to tart her with this sort of spiteful, judgemental brush!

So, you think you're the only personal besides OP's friend who has ever experienced this and therefore you can speak from misplaced authority to others when you actually haven't a clue of their occupations or experiences?

I've no idea how you figured that from my response but you are very, very wrong. I haven't read anything quite as daft or clueless as your posts in a very long time.

I'd be surprised if the nursery hasn't raised a concern themselves. It will have been noted on the child's record.

Ofsted would expect them to report a parent who did not respond to a call to collect a sick child. It can build up a bigger picture of neglect.

As for Op, you should be livid about this. Another parent has deliberately put your own child and family at risk of a very nasty bug. We see this kind of selfishness in Early Years all the time. They know exactly what they're doing.

Agree.

I'm sure the poor woman was desperate to do what she did - and I'll bet she's been desperately worried about her child all day.

Thank you for caring for this little one OP - it wasn't easy for you, I know, especially since your own child has been so ill recently, but it was the right, good and kind thing to do.

There are some heartless people on this thread. I'm glad you aren't one of them.

It might have been hard and she might have been desperate but you do not ask someone for a favour without giving the vital detail that said child is ill.

I'll bet she's been desperately worried about her child all day.

Why not return the call to nursery then?
If I was desperately worried about my young child the absolute minimum I'd do would be to communicate with the person who's care she was in.

You sound like a door mat. You are being taking for granted and lied to straight to your face.

I’d advise you stop helping her full stop and let her family, the father or even herself (change job, shifts etc) sort out future childcare.

If you keep on helping though, after this, you really can’t be complaining anymore when you get shafted in some way again.

I agree with this, too - but as the poster I quoted said - sh may not be thinking clearly.

I'm surprised that the nursery don't insist on a second emergency number, even if it's only the employer's number in case ringing mum's number gets no response. Suppose it had been more serious...

Ahh @Crunchycooki you've done a good thing. I think your friend was desperate and, as pp said, probably wasn’t thinking clearly. She knew she could depend on you, that you would look after her daughter well. It’s so, so hard to work and keep a roof over your child’s head if you have absolutely no family and the father has fucked off.

Tbh it's difficult to get past the nursery taking in a sick child.

Can't understand why they would do that.

In theory parents are meant to benefit from 5 days paid leave for breakdown of childcare (eg, child sick, nursery won't take them). In practice, that only applies if you have a sympathetic employer. Depending on what they catch, kids could burn through 5 days in one incident (chicken pox, flu) and you'd be left with nothing for the rest of the year to deal with anything else.

The speculation about the mum here being a nurse though sounds unlikely to me - the NHS does give paid leave for situations like this.

This.

You sound like a lovely friend OP, I hope no one in your family catches the bug. YANBU in any way to be angry and hurt by this. You're the one that knows this mother, you're the one that knows if this behaviour fits with her past behaviour, if it tallies that she's a user who doesn't GAF about you or her DD or if it's not typical and it's a sign she's struggling.

Maybe she is a bad mum , a user who doesn't GAF about her DD or the OP or maybe she's burnt out and not thinking straight and made a mistake. OP is the only one in a position to know if this is typical behaviour for her friend or a massive departure from who she is that means she's struggling. Messing up doesn't make her a bitch or a negligent parent. This is so far from ideal, but at every moment her DD was in the care of capable adults, she was safe, she was cared for.

@Crunchycooki I think you've done a good thing here for a poorly baby and a stressed friend. Hopefully she reciprocates your kindness, but the world is a better place when people do things like this for each other.

To posters saying stressed mum needs a better support network. I imagine she considers OP part of her support network? If there is no dad, no family, paid childcare won't have the sick baby, who else is she supposed to lean on? There is literally only the kindness of friends at that point. And OP has been very kind. It's a good thing.

To add to my previous comment, there’s nothing wrong with being assertive with your friend and raising this with her - you are perfectly within your rights to tell her kindly but directly that you’re very disappointed and although you’re happy to help you don’t appreciate her having been dishonest with you.

A desperate mother who needs care for their child is one thing, but not answering her phone to the friend she duped into doing her the favour is inexcusable.

She might not have been that ill in the morning. Kids go from bouncing off the walls to really off back to bouncing off the walls again in minutes. If nurseries (and parents) kept kids off for every sniffle we'd all be being dismissed from work. Mine goes in if she's reasonably able to function and if she doesn't have a fever/d and v/another recognised infectious disease for which the government advises isolation. That said if I'm sending my child in a bit poorly I'll always tell her teachers this and reassure them that they can call me to collect her any time and then I'll have my phone on me and be prepared to follow up on this.

I might be forgiving of the woman's actions if she had just really inconvenienced me. I wouldn't be going back for more if she had out my own kid's health at risk like that. She might be desperate, she's certainly a user.

OP was!