To feel upset DH doesn't pay for me always

[Sleepysuzie]

I have known DH for 3 years, been married 2 years and we are expecting our first DC in February. DH made 4 times my salary when we met until he was made redundant in January this year. DH has been unemployed until 2 weeks ago and has now settled for a temp job (he was getting desperate not being able to find something which paid as much as previous job) where he now only makes 2.5 times as much as me.

DH has always paid for all bills, food, mortgage (it's his property from before we met), dinners out, holidays, basically anything involving the both of us etc. and I pay for my own clothes, going out with my own friends, gifts for my own family etc. When I go on mat leave, the agreement is I'll use his credit card and not my own savings/money as I only get SMP.

Ok, so fast forward to.. I have noticed that if we're out and I fancy say a packet of crisps or go past a cafe and want to grab a coffee AND he doesn't want anything, he will stand back and let me pay for myself and not even offer to pay for me. (If he also wants one, he will pay for the both of us). It's not so much that I want him to pay, rather that he sees us as so separate that he won't even offer. Like I feel it's only £2, and you could more than afford it. And, I have recently gone to see a private dermatologist for a mole on my arm which I have had some trouble with getting seen by the NHS. I may be able to get it reimbursed by work's private health scheme but it's unclear as I'm a new employee. So at the appointment when it came to paying (£150 for the test they did.. the remainder for the consultation I will get an email from the company with the final bill) he just stood back and let me pay. He didn't even offer. He always says it's his responsibility to look after me but I feel like if it's anything to do with me, he won't do it and if it's something that's for both of us or for future children, he will happily pay.

AIBU being upset that he won't offer to pay? It makes me feel like he doesn't care about my health (the private appointment) or my wants.. he just takes responsibility for my needs.

You should put everything in a shared joint account in my opinion, both salaries. That is what we have always done. Howeve, we both earn a similar amount (including me while I had our 4 children - it is possible outside of the SMP bits). Failing that, but your own coffee. It seems very entitled to moan about that while he is paying the mortgage and all bills. Plus he is probably stressed about money as until recently was unemployed.

It sounds like you have this ideal about how he should pay and provide for absolutely everything, in which case what's the point in you even earning? You definitely have more to lose from this arrangement than him, it sounds like he takes really good care of you. Maybe try looking at it as a bit of independence in paying your own medical bills and coffees etc. I'm thinking he would never say no to you if you did need some extra money for the medical bill or whatever. Does he look at it as his and your money, or one pot in separate accounts? That is more telling to me than how you specifically manage money.

This made me guffaw. 🤣🤣🤣

🤣🤣🤣🤣 this

on the off chance this isn't a troll thread:

-he pays for everything and your salary (whether 4x less or 2.5x less) is entirely disposable for you - basically pocket money. when you're 'only' on SMP you don't even have to spend that he'll let you have his credit card. You realise how buying yourself a coffee would fall under 'pocket money' right? How can you possibly think he is being stingy.

-separate point though - if he used to earn 4x more than you, and you both anticipate you having a slower career trajectory due to staying at home looking after kids (although it seems you're working not SAHM with the SMP comment) then you should have a broader discussion about finances. Each family is different but I'd argue it isn't necessarily healthy for him to have the house in his name, all bills paid by him, all his money stays in his account so all you see is your wage. Thats very inbalanced.

Is this a joke? You earn a salary don’t you, why don’t you use that money to pay for your own things?

What century are you living in??

Better still, have a joint bank account and share everything. But expecting your DH to foot the bill all the time? Grow up.

How old are you? The things you’re saying and the tone in which you’re saying them is really worrying. Are you really young?

She has a job.

Is this real then? I don't see how someone could be so grabby and entitled, yet blind to it.

I can’t imagine expecting someone else to pay for every little thing for me. I was brought up to be self sufficient and when I want something I pay for it myself. Do you really want to give all your power away like that and be completely beholden in every way to another person? Even my 90 year old grandmother didn’t behave like that and things were very different in her generation.

If this is a real post (which I'm struggling to believe), then you are extremely unreasonable for using your husband in the way that you are. If he is standing back and wanting you to pay then he is also feeling used.

Really, there was no need to bring Islam into it - in modern day Britain, with a cost of living crisis, "what's his is mine and what's mine is mine" doesn't work anymore. Islam also says not to spend frivolously, like on £300 cufflinks, so you can't have it both ways.

I'm the higher earner in our marriage, and we halve the bills, and pay for our own stuff. We both put an equal amount into our joint account, and bills and food come out of there. But I usually pay for extras if I want, and tend to spend mind on holidays, just cos I have more money and would rather spend it on my family than live a miserable life being petty about who's spending what.

This is my second marriage (his first) so my kids are mine and I tend to pay for their things myself, though hubby is happy to. And yes, I'm Muslim too.

Maybe you should offer to invest some of your money that you aren't paying bills or anything else with instead of expecting your husband to sort that as well.

The entitlement is astounding.

This is hilarious 😂

Also £2 for a fucking packet of crisps?!

Not gonna lie, I am gobsmacked at the amount of % saying YABU. It IS tight and mean for him to not get the stuff for you, and have you get your own and then pay for it yourself.

I also have to say though @Sleepysuzie separate finances within a marriage is a no-no IMO, because the man almost ALWAYS earns more. And yes I know a bunch of posters will come along soon saying 'I EARN FIVE TIMES MORE THAN MY HUSBAND' but in the REAL world, the VAST MAJORITY of women earn less than men.

This sucks, but he won't change. Did you not see he was as tight as a duck's arse before you married him? You did get married (and have a baby) rather quickly I have to say. Not really time to get to know someone well... Not helpful sorry, but you do have my sympathy. He won't change. Mean and tight-fisted people don't usually change. Not sure what you can do about it though.

Please - just because your OH is older and has been married before this does not mean that you need to just follow his lead.
yes, it is unreasonable to expect your OH to buy everything for you - you are not his child.
but do you want to ask for pocket money for the rest of your life?
if not you will need to have a chat about shared finances, or at least a contribution to a joint account that you have access to.
you sound very young and naive - you do not have to accept everything OH or religion says.

This is like something from the 1940s

Wow.you are spoilt and entitled and unless you change your attitude of me me me you are going to have a lot of life lessons to learn.
Take off your mirrored on the inside glasses and see the world for how it is.

Is this a reverses?

I just cant see how anyone could be this much of a shameless mooch.

Divorce isn't against Islam 😏 thankfully

LTB

I earn less but Im finacially far smarter so Im actually way better off than him on less than half the wage... I would be a bloody moron to let him waste my money too and add me to his debts.

Amount of money made means nothing if someone has zero money management skills.

Just look at all the posts on mumsnet of people who claime to make 80k a year for a family of 4 but insist they are completely broke and struggling to survive while me and many of my low income friends have survived with kids on £12-18k a year for decades. Financial stupidity is the problem not income.

My partner pays the mortgage and I pay the rent on our shared ownership house. He has more money than me as he has his pension and works 3 days a week. I work 5 but have a horse that I have to pay for so he appreciates I don't have a lot of money.

He always buys the Costa when we go shopping on a Saturday morning for the weekly shop. I sometimes offer but its kind of fallen into it being 'his thing' to pay for. I might ask him if he wants a steak bake from Greggs if I fancy one, but if I don't want one I wouldn't necessarily go in there and queue for him. That's not because I'm selfish, its just the way we roll.

What have I just read 😂

YABVVU

@mam0918 your absolutely right! It boils down to money management. Me and DS have been abroad twice this year and I've already booked and paid off next year's. I'm a single parent and NOT a high earner by any means.

I'm bloody organised though.