To feel upset DH doesn't pay for me always

[Sleepysuzie]

I have known DH for 3 years, been married 2 years and we are expecting our first DC in February. DH made 4 times my salary when we met until he was made redundant in January this year. DH has been unemployed until 2 weeks ago and has now settled for a temp job (he was getting desperate not being able to find something which paid as much as previous job) where he now only makes 2.5 times as much as me.

DH has always paid for all bills, food, mortgage (it's his property from before we met), dinners out, holidays, basically anything involving the both of us etc. and I pay for my own clothes, going out with my own friends, gifts for my own family etc. When I go on mat leave, the agreement is I'll use his credit card and not my own savings/money as I only get SMP.

Ok, so fast forward to.. I have noticed that if we're out and I fancy say a packet of crisps or go past a cafe and want to grab a coffee AND he doesn't want anything, he will stand back and let me pay for myself and not even offer to pay for me. (If he also wants one, he will pay for the both of us). It's not so much that I want him to pay, rather that he sees us as so separate that he won't even offer. Like I feel it's only £2, and you could more than afford it. And, I have recently gone to see a private dermatologist for a mole on my arm which I have had some trouble with getting seen by the NHS. I may be able to get it reimbursed by work's private health scheme but it's unclear as I'm a new employee. So at the appointment when it came to paying (£150 for the test they did.. the remainder for the consultation I will get an email from the company with the final bill) he just stood back and let me pay. He didn't even offer. He always says it's his responsibility to look after me but I feel like if it's anything to do with me, he won't do it and if it's something that's for both of us or for future children, he will happily pay.

AIBU being upset that he won't offer to pay? It makes me feel like he doesn't care about my health (the private appointment) or my wants.. he just takes responsibility for my needs.

YABU. What if you weren’t with him? You’ve said he pays for these minor things when you’re both having them. You need to put your hand in your pocket once in a while.

If this thread is real (I doubt it), isn’t it crazy what absolute garbage people, men and women, spout and suck up in the name of ‘this is how we do it in my religion/culture’? In this day and age, in this country, you are wildly privileged to have so much information and so many choices at your fingertips. Why not balance up the facts and choose something that works well rather than dig your heels in and say ‘well this is how it’s meant to be done’.

I'm not an islamophobe by ANY means. I’m just phobic to people who witter on like idiots without an iota of logic. I LIVE in a Muslim country atm for work btw. Guess what, couples do a plethora of things based on their financial and family situations.

I’m not Muslim but I am South Asian British so I’ve met plenty like you. I think Muslims who end up in the UK do become extra insular and closed minded because expectations are set by grandparents on how things were done back in ‘Pakistan’ 60 years ago and they take a very ‘them vs us’ approach to other British people, so that everything ‘non-Pakistanis’ do is haram. Little do they know that things have moved on in leaps and bounds in ‘Pakistan’ in the last century too, and people there behave like modern individuals, not in some medieval fantasy land.

You are a Fanny lodger

If you’re so driven why are you still in an entry level job? I knew you were going to be Muslim when I read your post initially but YABU still. And ridiculous.

OP, I find it amusing that you expect your DH to take financial and investment advice from you, when you have never lived independently and don’t want to buy your own coffee.

Crikey op. Do you lay on a chaise lounge while expecting him to feed you grapes while wafting you with a palm leaf too?

It still surprises me that married couples have separate money nowadays, but what do I know, I'm old!

So you say you spend all of your salary on yourself and bitch about buying a coffee and expect Mumsnet to commiserate with you 🤔 🤣😂

It’s your responsibility to bankroll yourself, not your husbands, and your religion has nothing to do with this. You come across as grabby and entitled, though you probably don’t mean to. I’d recommend becoming comfortable supporting your own spending, this isn’t what a husband is for.

YABU. The Islamic expectation that the husband pays for everything is based on a situation in which the wife is not working (or working very very part time) and her contribution to the marriage is to do all housework, childcare etc - which with the 4 children you hope for will be a lot. It works in that situation if that traditional set up is what you both want because both parties bring equally to the marriage in different ways.
It shouldn't really apply to your situation working full time. You also say your husband does housework so it doesnt sound like you have bought into that traditional model. That your husband still pays for almost everything (except your own personal spending) is incredibly generous of him. To expect him to pay for your personal spending of coffee when out, health bill etc when you have a full time salary coming in is ridiculous and immature.
You asked what other couples do. My Muslim friends, fwiw, both contribute to household spending so in your situation that would look like maybe you paying all the food bills because you earn less, or it might be splitting the bills proportionate to your salaries. They certainly contribute to the household in a way you don't seem to. DH and I put everything in one account. It's all family money, not 'his' and 'mine'. Works well and means we both have equal responsibility for finance.

Can you imagine the reverse?

I pay for practically everything in our marriage leaving my wife with her salary which she basically uses as pocket money.. Then I got made redundant but still carried on paying for things while I looked for another job. Thankfully I've got another now but not as well paid although I still earn more than her

My wife never puts her hand in her pocket for me..If she wants a cup of coffee or a snack when we are out she will get one for herself and not even ask me if I would like one. I'm not asking much from her but a little bit of consideration every now and then would be nice

AIBU to think we should review our entire financial position and that the current position is unfair on me?

If I have understood your posts correctly, you would like DH to pay for all of your joint costs such as mortgage, bills, food, as well as all meals out and holidays (and presumably also, things for your future children), while you use your income only for your own discretionary spending. If that is right then yes YABU.

DW earns 3 times what I do. I still pay 85% of my income into our joint account to cover mortgage, bills, food and other shared costs. This year I got a bonus so used that to pay for a holiday, but generally DW pays for holidays, meals out etc.

Get a job and earn your own money.

😆

That you don’t want to put your hand in your pocket even for a £2 coffee.

You actually don't have to do this, have your kid and go back to work. Or put it off a bit longer and progress in your career until you feel independently financially secure.

Especially if you guys don't combine finances! have your own money and protect yourself, It's his house and he pays for everything. This is a potential one way path to destitution.

His salary is reduced, stop expecting things not change and pay for your own small bits.

Gosh your post made me shudder. How can you live like this. If you're married and pregnant, and he has a high income, it's a non-negotiable (in my opinion) that all money goes in a shared account with equal access.

This can't be real, buy him the crisps etc. Why should he totally subsidise your living?

I haven’t read the whole thread.

IMO there are two sensible formats for married finances.

1. everything into one joint pot. Equal access to the money pot with some spending rules that apply to both of you (eg all bills paid first, any purchases over £x to be discussed, each of you has £x personal spending money a month). How many rules will depend on how well off you are.

2. separate finances. What’s his is his and what’s yours is yours. A household account for joint expenses to which you each contribute in proportion to earnings. You each get to spend what’s left of your own earnings after your household contribution, no rules. The higher earner might “treat” the lower earner sometimes but ultimately it’s up to them.

Model 2 is what many couples follow pre DC but it often falls down when women have maternity leave and aren’t earning, or if they leave work/go part time/earnings take a nose dive after DC. Personally I wouldn’t follow model 2 unless my DH was taking absolutely equal paternity leave, cuts to his working hours to cover childcare etc - ie both our careers/earnings were going to be impacted just the same by DC.

OP if you plan to have 4 children and take 4 maternity leaves and you have already realised this will impact your career, then IMO you need model 1.

If he’s worried about divorce like with his first wife, he should know that keeping separate finances doesn’t affect any settlement. The courts will see it all as one joint pot anyway. (Unless he’s hidden money in which case you have bigger issues).

You're annoyed that you have to pay for your own stuff if he's with you? You sound like an entitled child. How much he makes compared to you is irrelevant when it comes to buying things for yourself

Absolutely this. Bloody heĺl.

Time to grow up.

It's a bit child like to expect him to pay for everything and infantlising you. You are a grown women. You are perfectly capable of buying your own crisps!

You say that sharing your lives means sharing everything, but if everything was really shared, then it wouldn't matter who pays for anything. It is all coming out of the same pot.

What you actually seem to be saying is that you want him to share everything while you keep your own money for your own purposes. That doesn't sound very fair to me.

Personally, I'm an adult. I prefer to be able to pay for things by myself.

Don't be so utterly ridiculous. You contribute absolutely nothing to shared finances / living expenses and you're pissed off he sometimes stands back and leaves you to pay for something? You must have tons of savings at this stage. Do you ever treat him with your money? You sound completely spoilt and selfish and, much as I hate the term, a gold digger. Shame on you.