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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset DH doesn't pay for me always

274 replies

Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 00:08

I have known DH for 3 years, been married 2 years and we are expecting our first DC in February. DH made 4 times my salary when we met until he was made redundant in January this year. DH has been unemployed until 2 weeks ago and has now settled for a temp job (he was getting desperate not being able to find something which paid as much as previous job) where he now only makes 2.5 times as much as me.

DH has always paid for all bills, food, mortgage (it's his property from before we met), dinners out, holidays, basically anything involving the both of us etc. and I pay for my own clothes, going out with my own friends, gifts for my own family etc. When I go on mat leave, the agreement is I'll use his credit card and not my own savings/money as I only get SMP.

Ok, so fast forward to.. I have noticed that if we're out and I fancy say a packet of crisps or go past a cafe and want to grab a coffee AND he doesn't want anything, he will stand back and let me pay for myself and not even offer to pay for me. (If he also wants one, he will pay for the both of us). It's not so much that I want him to pay, rather that he sees us as so separate that he won't even offer. Like I feel it's only £2, and you could more than afford it. And, I have recently gone to see a private dermatologist for a mole on my arm which I have had some trouble with getting seen by the NHS. I may be able to get it reimbursed by work's private health scheme but it's unclear as I'm a new employee. So at the appointment when it came to paying (£150 for the test they did.. the remainder for the consultation I will get an email from the company with the final bill) he just stood back and let me pay. He didn't even offer. He always says it's his responsibility to look after me but I feel like if it's anything to do with me, he won't do it and if it's something that's for both of us or for future children, he will happily pay.

AIBU being upset that he won't offer to pay? It makes me feel like he doesn't care about my health (the private appointment) or my wants.. he just takes responsibility for my needs.

OP posts:
Cosycover · 06/12/2022 06:59

Strange replies.

I would think a family with children would be just that. Money shouldn't be an issue at all. And when a woman is on maternity leave and giving up career progression then I'd expect the other equal parent and partner to acknowledge this and do the right thing.

You shouldn't be seperate in any way when building a life together surely?

All money into one pot imo.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 06/12/2022 07:03

Hang on you say your DH is on a 6 figure salary which is 2.5 times your salary and that your on an entry level salary. Those things can't all be true because if he's on £100k then that would mean you're on £40k which isn't an entry level low wage.

Ivyblu · 06/12/2022 07:04

Where did you buy your £2 coffee ☕

Carbon12 · 06/12/2022 07:12

It is reasonable for her to expect her husband to pay for everything from the bills to her coffee, because that's the responsibility that is placed on husbands in Islam.

He isn't required to fund a lavish lifestyle, but one that meets her basic necessities.

However, I'm not saying this is OP, but a lot of Muslim girls I know go into marriage very naive because they have this perspective that 'my money is my money, and his money is my money' and therefore expect the man to pay for everything, even if she has her own income.

OP please be realistic in the expectations of your husband. He is completing his Islamic duty toward you.

You either need to start a joint account that you both contribute to and the household expenditure goes out from there, OR you need to stop complaining about having to spend money on additional things such as; takeaways, coffees or other household items.

I really hate to say this, but you're making Muslim women look really bad.

As a Muslim myself, I had the understanding that it was my husbands responsibility to take care of me financially, but if I didn't contribute a penny, we would have a much smaller home and a simpler lifestyle. It's only because we view our finances as one, we are able to live in a bigger house, go on more holidays and do other nice things.

I think you need to have a discussion with your husband about your expectations of him and he needs to explain to you whether or not he can meet all of those. Ultimately, as long as he is providing for you in the way that he should, you can't question how he spends (or saves) the rest of his money.

If you want to have more of a say in the finances of your home, then you need to be contributing too.

Redkettle · 06/12/2022 07:16

Hi op. My husband also covers all the bills. We have separate accounts. My money goes on bills for kids phones, leisure clothes food and Xmas etc. I don't expect him to pay for the extras just the bills. I also work a second job and that money goes to him for extras like the car etc. I think if he's covering everything else you can be reasonable to expect you cover the rest. Xxxxx

Ivyblu · 06/12/2022 07:22

@Carbon12 is this really common practise in today's world? That the husband pays and even for the kids?

I can see thing like a coffee a meal sometimes. Not main bills like rent and so on it's ridiculous

Reluctantadult · 06/12/2022 07:28

You asked up thread how others do things. Imo if you own property together, you're married and you have kids, all money is family money. We have one bank account that all pay goes into and all bills come out of, then have personal bank accounts that £80 goes into a month for personal spends like football tickets, trips out with friends.

Benjispruce4 · 06/12/2022 07:42

Wow!

Pearls1234 · 06/12/2022 07:54

YABVU! Sounds like he’s already being VERY generous by covering all your shared outgoings, especially given his redundancy.

Carbon12 · 06/12/2022 07:58

Ivyblu · 06/12/2022 07:22

@Carbon12 is this really common practise in today's world? That the husband pays and even for the kids?

I can see thing like a coffee a meal sometimes. Not main bills like rent and so on it's ridiculous

Yep, it's actually more common after kids as many women choose to stay home and will only return to work when the kids start full time school.

Both my aunts are SAHM and their kids are in school.

My friends whose husbands pay for everything don't have kids yet, so their situation might change. Some own houses, others rent.

pd339 · 06/12/2022 08:02

Get a grip. He's not your parent, he doesn't have to pay for everything for you. You sound hard work.

MilkyYay · 06/12/2022 08:20

Most people pool funds, pay bills then divide what's left for spending money.

However, you do realise you'd probably get no more disposable income than you did now?

Your husband is already paying all the bills. Remember he'll be losing half what he earns in tax. Paying all the bills out of whats left he could have less disposable income than you.

You need to shift your attitude to stop expecting to be so dependent on someone else! Your financial set up provides you plenty of disposable money, stop seeking childish gestures of wanting to be "treated".

Herejustforthisone · 06/12/2022 08:24

You have no responsibility for paying any of your bills. You don’t contribute a penny towards the cost of the house, bills, food, or car. All your money is disposable fun tokens…

You were out. You wanted a coffee he did not. And you still think he should buy it for you?

You're sounding like a stroppy and demanding child, who wants more and more.

Whatafustercluck · 06/12/2022 08:25

Hi op, if your dh is dead set on separate finances, there is a more equal way of splitting things which might help. You split bills according to your income, take a personal allowance each and combine the remainder for 'family expenses'. When I first got together with dh, I earned less. I now earn considerably more. This is the way we've always done it to ensure we both contribute according to our relative income, have a personal allowance and manage the remaining (joint) aspects essentially through a savings account (house maintenance, holidays, treats and days out for the family etc). Completely joint finances aren't for everyone, I get that. But there has to be a joint element. This way you won't expect 'pocket money' from him, will be less reliant on him and he won't resent you for contributing nothing financially.

cinnabongene · 06/12/2022 08:26

I’ve managed to squeeze three tears for you, out of my left eye.
stop acting like a spoilt child and cough up for your own crap

Sceptre86 · 06/12/2022 08:27

If you're going down the muslim angle then I'll bite. His responsibility as your dh is to provide you with food and shelter, love, respect and protection. He doesn't need to buy you a Costa. You have a job and shock horror it might be nice to treat him to a drink or lunch sometimes. Maybe he's finding the loss in income means he needs to change his spending habits and especially with a baby on the way. Especially considering you are unlikely to want to pay for things for baby as its his responsibility. I actually think he sounds like he's got his head screwed on, you on the otherhand.... I'd be so disappointed if my girls grw up to have your attitude.

RosesAndHellebores · 06/12/2022 08:35

I've only read the op's posts and am a bit confused:

OP has changed industries fir the sake of her career, yet is only going to be entitled to SMP when she starts Mat Leave. Suey if there were any commitment to a career this would have been better planned?

The DH is 9 years older than OP, earned 6 times more and yet is living in a flat with dodgy cladding. I'd have thought that he would have been rather more established.

The DH has lost his job and a third of his income. This links to the pg which is still in it nauseous stage so I assume early as the OP expects the nausea to stop.

The DH bought the OP a shoehorn because she was having trouble putting on her shoes due to her growing belly. Why if the OP is still at the nauseous stage?

The DH is from a really poor background but happily receives £300 cufflinks to match his watch. This is a concern in a more mature man who wants 4 DC.

Some significant lack of planning re future security going on here.

FWIW OP DH and I have separate finances (always have had) and he earned more than 4 multiples of me during the peak of his career. He also paid for everything (my car, insurance, mortgage, bills, food, etc). No way would I have expected him to buy me a coffee or packet of crisps when out and about. I'd have said "are you sure you don't want one"? The difference was that 35 years ago we were both mature adults and I entered with a career behind me and a house. We were in a secure place to plan for 4 children and not expect me to go back to work. Didn't work out like that. We only got 2 after a big struggle and I went back to work.

I think you are being VVU and it's more about a cup of coffee and as much about your DH's maturity as yours.

TBH I'm struggling to make it stack up.

MalagaNights · 06/12/2022 08:36

OP you are not being unreasonable.

A husband who begrudges buying his wife snacks or health care is a deeply unpleasant scenario and the stinginess over small amounts and the lack of care is horribly unattractive.

Many people seem happy with this married but separate finances set up which means look after yourself.

But for me marriage is a complete union of your lives including finances. Everything is shared.

I'm not a Muslim but a husband who keeps score on money over small or much needed items in this way would seriously challenge my concept of what I expected from marriage.

slowquickstep · 06/12/2022 08:38

Why are you acting like a spoiled entitled princess? Time to grow up petal

CocoPlum · 06/12/2022 08:39

RosesAndHellebores · 06/12/2022 08:35

I've only read the op's posts and am a bit confused:

OP has changed industries fir the sake of her career, yet is only going to be entitled to SMP when she starts Mat Leave. Suey if there were any commitment to a career this would have been better planned?

The DH is 9 years older than OP, earned 6 times more and yet is living in a flat with dodgy cladding. I'd have thought that he would have been rather more established.

The DH has lost his job and a third of his income. This links to the pg which is still in it nauseous stage so I assume early as the OP expects the nausea to stop.

The DH bought the OP a shoehorn because she was having trouble putting on her shoes due to her growing belly. Why if the OP is still at the nauseous stage?

The DH is from a really poor background but happily receives £300 cufflinks to match his watch. This is a concern in a more mature man who wants 4 DC.

Some significant lack of planning re future security going on here.

FWIW OP DH and I have separate finances (always have had) and he earned more than 4 multiples of me during the peak of his career. He also paid for everything (my car, insurance, mortgage, bills, food, etc). No way would I have expected him to buy me a coffee or packet of crisps when out and about. I'd have said "are you sure you don't want one"? The difference was that 35 years ago we were both mature adults and I entered with a career behind me and a house. We were in a secure place to plan for 4 children and not expect me to go back to work. Didn't work out like that. We only got 2 after a big struggle and I went back to work.

I think you are being VVU and it's more about a cup of coffee and as much about your DH's maturity as yours.

TBH I'm struggling to make it stack up.

Also the DH pays for everything, holidays, meals out ... but has been unemployed since January? And has only been in a temporary role for 2.5 weeks?

handbagsandholidays · 06/12/2022 08:45

Ok people are being harsh here... on a serious note, perhaps he thinks you will just pay using his credit card? My husband never carries a wallet. It's become a standing joke now but we laugh as the majority of the time I pay using his money. I earn my own but he likes to take care of me financially so typically I spend my own money on treats for him & the kids, handbags, holidays and adding to the savings pot. His money is spent on everything else.

Blowthemandown · 06/12/2022 08:45

@Sleepysuzie when we were both earning we put half each of all bills money/mortgage money into a joint account. Sometimes one or other of us contributed less (if there was a massive salary difference). If, despite the difference in your salaries, you can afford half you should pay half. While your DH has not been working you might have agreed to reduce his payments. It’s give and take. And why would he pay if you’re after something for just you, unless you are not working? While you’re on mat leave you would probably have a different arrangement. It feels a bit insensitive to expect what you do give he had been made redundant as well. I would suggest you need to discuss this calmly and both agree what happens. I think he probably feels a bit taken advantage of to be honest.

MalagaNights · 06/12/2022 08:49

Most people pool funds, pay bills then divide what's left for spending money.

No, some people do this. Mostly in my experience younger couples.

Most couples I know my age (50s) pool all their finances, and pay for everything out of it, mortgage and coffees, and plan together for big expenditures and the future.

I spend more than DH on myself, clothes hairdresser etc, because there's not much he wants. He's fine with that.
We enjoy going out and holidays all out of joint money.

No discussion about who earned the money or who's paying. It's our money.

We trust each other with money and talk and review where we are with it.

A husband who conveyed: pay for your own coffee, would convey to me a deeper attitude towards marriage: that he still sees us as separate in some way.

Fragrantandfoolish · 06/12/2022 08:50

Lol can you imagine, I’m with you op. I hate buying my own crisps 😂

handbagsandholidays · 06/12/2022 08:51

Also I feel your predicament with work... I am the more academic one out of the two of us and have a professional job where I was previously offered 6 figure opportunities. He works for his fathers company so my career had to take a back seat. I'm working in my field of qualification but in a rubbish job earning a fraction of my potential solely because it gives me the flexibility to run around after the kids whilst he is up, down and in and out of the country.