AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

[destinationisland]

My sister is planning a wedding next year in the Pacific Islands. This is a 30 -40 hour flight away and will cost my family at least £5k in flights alone to get there.

We can barely afford this but were happy to go anyway for the experience and the memories. My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa. We have been suggested to stay half a mile away. It's probably important to mention we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island.

This change was enough for me to reconsider going but my brother (broke, single father) and parents are going and think we just need to suck it up and go.

The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago (he is Australian, so it was in middle for both our families), we were told we were being selfish and the wedding must be in my home town if we wanted my parents to come.nMy sister and future brother in law acknowledged all the stress we went through planning our wedding and trying to keep everyone happy.

We said we have moved on and are happy for them but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get (they have no connection to the pacific - just enjoyed it on their holiday one year). My husband literally only had his immediate family at our wedding because it was a big ask and expense to expect his friends to come all the way over here. My MIL is ill and we may need to fly to Australia at short notice but this wedding will take up all our holiday leave and spare funds.

TBH I wish they would just elope and have a small party at home later but I am not sure if I am being unreasonable?

You are certainly not being unreasonable. She hasn't bothered taking care of you and the little ones in her plans and it's a massive financial commitment. My brother and SIL did the same thing, (not together😂separate weddings) we just didn't go. Doubt they missed us too much, no hard feelings, we all get on fabulous but no-one can expect anyone to commit that kind of money (or time off work). Imagine if they said they were having it at home but you've all got to chip in £500 for the wedding arrangements! same kind of thing...They did set up a live stream from the wedding and there were about 7 of us logged in all being part of the wedding virtually. I got to see it (despite being logged on at work so had to keep my camera and mic off!) Maybe you could suggest she does this? at least you will be part of the day.

Did she come to your wedding at her own expense?

Or you could mirror your sister's arrogance and pomposity and say that as the accommodation now on offer is 'wildly inappropriate' you have zero confidence in the plans and will be declining the invitation. Don't stay on the defensive fgs.

And no, you won't fly your family to Tahiti and back for 5k.

OP - This story has hit the wider media just to let you know.

Err...which person thought you were BU? LOL

I would not even consider going in these circumstances.

Tell her no and stop worrying about it.

Firstly why are you still here?? I would be packing husband house and home and relocating permanently to Australia! Secondly this is not about marriage it's a look at me self indulgent wedding, you sound really lovely put you and your family first and just don't go.

40 hour flight with two kids under 6 😳😭😭😭🤣
No fkn chance, my idea of hell, mine were a 'mare just going on the bus to the next town at that age! 😁
If people want a destination wedding, they have to realise not everyone can come/ afford it.
If they have a problem with that, it's their problem, not yours.
Plus they're massively hypocritical if they moaned when you wanted to do it, if they complain if you say you can't go I wouldn't be letting that one slide!

YANBU, but you did set the precedent by getting married abroad…

It was local in the end.

They didn't in the end, though. That idea got kyboshed by the parents.

You have a good excuse with small children and the cost of electricity and the living costs too .

Maybe tell them that you don’t want to talk about your financial situation as it upsets you too much but after lots of discussion you and your partner have had to make the heartbreaking decision to back out .

Maybe your hard up brother is getting some assistance with the cost ?

They will be too busy to miss you. Me being the cynic that I am around marriage, in ten yrs time when the photos are hidden in the attic out of the way of the new relationship you will be glad you didn’t go . Sorry that’s awful of me, I do apologise.

There will be lots who won’t be able to afford to go either, it’s too fair and way to expensive x

My apologies - misread the original post. In which case YANBU end of story!

Don't worry - I had to go back and check!

YANBU.
personally, I’d prioritise seeing I’ll MIL while she’s still here. Best for your husband and children too.
Just tell sis your priorities ASAP. And maybe offer a generous gift as pp suggested.
Definitely don’t be guilted into attending the wedding.

Sorry but I think this is a ridiculous destination for a wedding if you expect people to attend. Very beautiful I'm sure, but just crazy to expect people to attend considering the journey. Fine for a couple eloping, but...!!

In which case don't go. It sounds like a life changing sum of money that you can't afford.

Instant no from me. I would have just told her straight away to be honest.

@destinationisland

Any update?

Vows....not vowels....

I would just say, 'sorry, it's too expensive.'
If people genuinely want their family and friend to go to their wedding, they should make it affordable for those people and easy to organise getting there. If they want to get married somewhere exotic, a long way off, or very expensive, they should either pay for people to go, or not expect them to turn up.
A compromise could be to have the formal, legal wedding (which is the bit that's important) here in the UK in a modest way, and then have a party abroad for those who want to/can afford to go.

Choosing to marry abroad means your guests can choose not to go! I would politely decline for financial reasons, which in your case are valid. Wish them well and invite them to dinner on their return.

Maybe it's her way of ensuring you're not all there.

She expects you to travel this long distance but there isn’t room for you at the in the main accommodation? That doesn’t sound reasonable on her part. Who is staying in the main place? The whole thing sounds costly and you could go on a lovely family holiday for less by the sound of it. Just say that it’s too costly and with kids not convenient for you. Remind her of what happened about your wedding and that she could get wed without a destination wedding.

Lack of attendance is one of the consequences of exotic destination weddings. It's lovely for them, but I would send regrets. If I were to spend that much on a trip, it would be in years to come when our family (me/partner/children) could really enjoy it. You may want to suggest to them that they have a reception of some sort when they return for those who cannot afford such an extravagant trip.