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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

515 replies

destinationisland · 05/12/2022 23:51

My sister is planning a wedding next year in the Pacific Islands. This is a 30 -40 hour flight away and will cost my family at least £5k in flights alone to get there.

We can barely afford this but were happy to go anyway for the experience and the memories. My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa. We have been suggested to stay half a mile away. It's probably important to mention we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island.

This change was enough for me to reconsider going but my brother (broke, single father) and parents are going and think we just need to suck it up and go.

The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago (he is Australian, so it was in middle for both our families), we were told we were being selfish and the wedding must be in my home town if we wanted my parents to come.nMy sister and future brother in law acknowledged all the stress we went through planning our wedding and trying to keep everyone happy.

We said we have moved on and are happy for them but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get (they have no connection to the pacific - just enjoyed it on their holiday one year). My husband literally only had his immediate family at our wedding because it was a big ask and expense to expect his friends to come all the way over here. My MIL is ill and we may need to fly to Australia at short notice but this wedding will take up all our holiday leave and spare funds.

TBH I wish they would just elope and have a small party at home later but I am not sure if I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Tillow4ever · 07/12/2022 16:22

I’ve said YABU but that’s on response to you complaining about it. Their wedding their choice.

the bit you aren’t being unreasonable about is the expectation you go. If you can’t afford it, don’t want to, or whatever, that’s entirely up to you! Don’t worry that your brother can afford it - there’s one of him to pay for. Is it in school holidays or would you need to pull them out of school (not read the full thread, just wanted to explain my vote, will read through afterwards)? If I’m term time, use that as another reason not to go.

marmitetoastie · 07/12/2022 16:23

This is crazy. Send a gift

yesforone · 07/12/2022 16:51

If you’d enjoy it as a holiday and your DC would love it , go. It’ll probably be worth the annoyance. But if it’s not worth the stress, don’t go and make an excuse or lie if you have to , to avoid family drama .

RandomCatGenerator · 07/12/2022 16:57

destinationisland · 06/12/2022 04:38

Completely agree with everyone saying DH's mother is the priority. We actually flew to see her earlier in the year and the flight was worse than we could have imagined. Terrible jet leg both directions since we had no downtime on the plane looking after DC and we all caught covid on the way back!

We would have been ok with forgoing the new (second hand) car, but staying away from the main house, in addition to the difficult journey has has seriously reconsidering. My brother's DC are older and will get more out of the trip, let alone actually remember it, which our youngest won't.

I have thought about going myself. Our oldest is 6 and will be disappointed if her cousins go and she doesn't but will get over it. The more I think about it, the more I'd rather just get them a nice present and send our regrets.

I always thought we were close but kicking us out of the main house so her (childfree) friends can stay and party has honestly hurt me so much. I don't expect them to make concessions for us, but I don't think they appreciate how much more difficult it is for us to be a 15 minute + walk away. The other thing is that there is no talk of any celebration locally so if we miss this we miss celebrating their wedding with them in any form.

Woah she’s having friends staying in the main house but not you?

fuck that. Send a present and say you just can’t justify the expense with your ill MIL, especially as you can’t even be in the main house.

RandomCatGenerator · 07/12/2022 16:57

If you have a destination wedding, you accept not everyone will come because of the expense and the leave.

anyone who doesn’t is completely unreasonable.

Goodgrief82 · 07/12/2022 17:02

If someone has a destination wedding that has absolutely squat all link to their family or fiancé’s, then they are clearly prioritising venue over guests.

So, as a consequence, I feel no guilt in declining.

When I got married, the venue was secondary to who was there.

and, as a consequence, it was truly special and the most wonderful loving, happy day. We married in central london, small wedding and most people simply got the tube!

amonsteronthehill · 07/12/2022 17:05

It's not sensible to go into debt for your own wedding. To do so for someone else would be insane. And you're on the edge of needing to do so by the sounds of it, and foregoing things you need to prioritize for your family.

Pass on the wedding.

Ignore your sister's demands and remind youself of your parents' hypocrisy over the disparate treatment between your wedding and your sister's if they kick off. Unless they're paying your bills, they don't get a vote.

FamBae · 07/12/2022 17:08

I think it's a very sad situation when you think about it, you using up all of your savings, forgoing a much needed new car and the buffer of having stand by money for flights to Australia; your brother drawing back on his mortgage to go and your sister hinting to your parents to pay for their flights, talk about living above your means, your sister sounds incredibly self centred and selfish. I would be horrified to put that financial burden on my family. I hope you find the gumption to stand up to her op.

RedToothBrush · 07/12/2022 17:15

destinationisland · 06/12/2022 00:09

It's on the other side of the world, we'll need to catch 3 flights to get there!

Can you explain how Iabu? Obviously keen to just not go but will face the wrath of the rest of the family for it. My feeling is that you don't plan a wedding like this if you want your nieces and nephews to be there.

Show quote history

Just say to them you can't afford it.

If they want you to go that much they can pay for you all to go.

They won't.

£5k is ridicilous.

I wouldn't spend that on a holiday myself. So why someone thinks they can spend that for someone else I don't know.

Padz · 07/12/2022 17:26

Yanbu and you must do what is right for you and your family, your sister will be so involved in her big day she probably won’t notice who’s there or not.
People who choose destination weddings know full well that not everyone can attend inc close family, if they don’t then they’re delusional especially in these times.
Good luck in making your decision, family matters are not easy.

Nordix · 07/12/2022 17:34

@destinationisland This is in the Daily Mail now btw!

(are we allowed to say that?)

Nordix · 07/12/2022 17:35

“My sister wants me to spend £5,000 to travel to her destination wedding and won't let me stay in her villa - should I refuse to go?”

Stupid “journalist” 🙄

momtoboys · 07/12/2022 17:43

My feelings would be hurt too if my family was initially included in the main accommodations are then are told we are not. I think that would have been the time I decided this trip was not going to happen for my family. I'm sorry this is happening.

fussyhousewife · 07/12/2022 17:45

Personally I would not put myself in debt for my sisters wedding. Not only do you have flights but accommodation and then probable hire of a car. Let your sister know that you cannot go because of the amount of money involved. If she mentions your brother who is "poor and single parent etc" then just say you are considering your own family as he is probably considering his. You are not your brothers keeper. I would cry off and wait for the photos. From where I sit I doubt you will enjoy it anyway.

Delphinium20 · 07/12/2022 17:49

I'm with the posters who said you should go alone. You will probably spend far less than 1/4 your current projected costs because, if you go alone, you might be able to room w/ your nieces and/or brother/parents and save money that way. You need to save money so you can leave at a moment's notice to see MIL if she takes a turn. That's reality and you'd never forgive yourself if your DC and DH missed time w/ her.

Going alone also eases family drama and you still support your sister w/out breaking the bank. You'll save thousands this way. To me, that's the best compromise.

Tessabelle74 · 07/12/2022 17:50

I would never expect guests to pay over the odds to attend my wedding. In fact even though we only live 2 hours from the bulk of our family we weren't offended when they didn't all come. Holiday from work, hotels, fuel etc all adds up even in the UK

Weald56 · 07/12/2022 17:57

To be honest I'd tell your sister:

'Sorry, but we are really stretching ourselves to come, both financially and in terms of the stress involved given the fact we have two young children. If we can't stay in the main house with you, then I'm afraid we won't be able to come. But we'll look forward to seeing your photos and wedding film if you can't meet our reasonable request'.

Icantfindmykeys · 07/12/2022 17:57

I haven’t read all responses it may have been already suggested, but why don’t you go on your own? You could explain you can’t afford the additional cost of a Villa for the family … could they make room for you?

Harls1969 · 07/12/2022 18:00

I'm sure that having a destination wedding is lovely - but you have to assume most people won't go (we didn't go to my sister's wedding in Vegas as not only would if have been very expensive for 4 of us, it was term time and I worked in a school at the time and our son was at secondary school - she totally understood).
If you can't really afford to go don't! Don't break the bank to please others, especially when it sounds like you have other priorities. Be firm and stand your ground, your family will get over it and, if they don't, it's really their problem. Good luck OP

Snoopystick · 07/12/2022 18:14

I wouldn’t go, my brother got married in the Caribbean and didn’t expect everyone to go, their choice knowing not everyone can afford it. That’s what honeymoons are for.

Soothsayer1 · 07/12/2022 18:19

OP your sister wants her wedding to bankrupt you so that she can feel like the winner
if someone expected me to spend even a 10th of that on their wedding.....I just wouldnt W T F !!

Mesoavocado · 07/12/2022 18:20

Tillow4ever · 07/12/2022 16:22

I’ve said YABU but that’s on response to you complaining about it. Their wedding their choice.

the bit you aren’t being unreasonable about is the expectation you go. If you can’t afford it, don’t want to, or whatever, that’s entirely up to you! Don’t worry that your brother can afford it - there’s one of him to pay for. Is it in school holidays or would you need to pull them out of school (not read the full thread, just wanted to explain my vote, will read through afterwards)? If I’m term time, use that as another reason not to go.

Yes I voted same way for sane reasons.

I wouldn’t go but it’s their choice and they need to understand why nobody would put themselves in debt for a wedding

Blarney72 · 07/12/2022 18:23

Spend your money on going to Australia to celebrate your 10 year anniversary, your husband can invite friends he couldn't before and I'm hoping you don't need to make an emergency flight before for your MIL. It will make an exciting 2023. Do what makes you happy. Good luck.

Heyhoitsme · 07/12/2022 18:24

Honestly I wouldn't go. It's ridiculous that she expects everyone to stump the cost. Just tell her you can't afford it.

rosemarysalter · 07/12/2022 18:24

Three flights and 40 hours travelling is an extreme ask

What on earth possessed them to make that choice?

I wouldn't go. Or can you tag on a visit to Aus too?

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