Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to share my children over Christmas?

[SweetBlues]

i have been separated for 3 1/2 years following an affair that ex husband had. We do not have a formal custody agreement and have Been mostly amicable with sharing time with the kids. We both get about 50% of the time with the kids each and for the most part this works. The week to week schedule we follow was actually drawn up by the kids). It doesn’t take into account birthdays or holidays. The days just fall as they fall if that makes sense?

For the last three Christmases, the kids have spent most of Xmas eve with ex and family as it is ex-MILs birthday. They tend to come back really late (past bed time). I then have them until about 11am on Christmas Day and then they then go to Ex & Family until the 28th
for Xmas lunch/day and to spend time with their dad. I’ve never been happy with this arrangement. I’ve just mainly bit my tongue and kept the peace but it doesn’t feel fair that I only really get Christmas morning. I want to spend more time and have something fun to do at Christmas too.

Well luckily for me, Christmas just so happens to fall on my weekend this year. So after checking that the kids were happy to stay with me, I have told both ex and ex-mil that I will have the kids from the 24 to the 27th (as technically it falls on my weekend anyway…). They both seemed ok with this but have both now changed their tune.

Ex messaged earlier this week to ask to take them
For a couple of hours Xmas day… and now ex_mil has asked to have them Xmas eve… both of which would interrupt plans I have made and which I don’t intend to change or cancel.

To Ex -MIL I’ve sent a very kind ‘sorry we have plans but the kids will be with Ex from the 27th’.

To ex, I have sent back a short and sweet ‘No’.

But what is it with these people? They’ve had it their way three years running. Why can’t they just let me be for one bloody year!

One thing I would definitely do based on your last post is stop involving the mother in law in any arrangements. Just be polite but firm...sorry MIL, but I'll just arrange things with x now, and he can let you know what we work out. Saves crossed wires.
FWIW I don't see my kids for about a week around the 25th if it's exes turn. It's fine..I use the time to be quiet, see friends, have a grown up Christmas, then next year it's all the kiddie stuff.

Definitely don't make this your children's decision! You are the adult. You are the parent. It is your responsibility to make the right decisions on their behalf. How awful to turn around to their father and say "the children don't want to see you this Christmas". Then he'll know. And they'll know he knows. What do you think that is going to do to their relationship?

My mother used to do that crap. Made it obvious she didn't want me to go, so I would say I I'll stay. Out of guilt. Not because I didnt want to see my father. You need to grow up and do what's best for your children, not what you want to do. Be fair.

I'm a child of divorced parents too. It was E/O weekend at dads and then we went through the week too.

Christmas was Xmas day with one / boxing day worth the other. Alternating each year. Regardless how it fell. Because my parents put me and my brother first and prioritised what was best for us.

Why not just do that or similar.

Hi thanks for the further lot of responses.

i’m going to ignore the few that missed the mark entirely. But for the record:

Never once, nor will I ever project my own feelings onto my kids.

I’m going to wager that there is small proportion of people who actually understand what it means to be really alone so I get that’s not an easy thing for many people to empathise with. But my kids aren’t silly. They’re well aware that I am alone in this country. If that wasn’t clear from the lack of surrounding family support then lockdown made it pretty bloody obvious. As they get older, they are forming their own opinions around this and that’s entirely their freedom of choice. (Albeit the younger one mostly copies their older sibling but I digress…)

Nor have I ever said to my ex that the kids do not want to see him? I actually wrote in my posts a verbatim copy of what I sent my ex…

At all points I have prioritised my children. Hence my choice to stay in the UK and the 50/50 split which I wholly encourage. This is also a big indication as to why things have been more my ex’s way the past three years!

I absolutely prioritise the kids and so my best to encourage them to have healthy relationships irrespective of how difficult things have been for me
with their dad and family.

i’m aware it’s been unequal and I’m wanting the even out the scales.

I love the idea of the Xmas day / Boxing Day switchover each year. And I’m going to do my best to cut MIl out of all organisations though I’ve tried this for 13 years and she never stops meddling or stepping in.

but again. Thank you to the posters who were insightful, helpful and provided balanced opinions without the need to project or take jibes.

Where on earth are people getting that the OP said the kids don't want to see their dad? She hasn't even so much as hinted at it, she just "no" when he tried to go back on what they'd planned.
I think DP's family would be like this if we were no longer together, OP. One year we went to see my parents for Christmas and MIL tantrummed, as in full on crying and wailing and "I blame HER, this is all HER fault", even though it was DP's decision and she knew in advance (and wasn't bothered - ILs do find having to see us and the kids as a bit of a hassle and try to avoid it in general). 🙄 I can see them pulling the "we'll just see the kids for a couple of hours" trick then "not realising" how quickly the day had passed!