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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to share my children over Christmas?

105 replies

SweetBlues · 05/12/2022 22:22

i have been separated for 3 1/2 years following an affair that ex husband had. We do not have a formal custody agreement and have Been mostly amicable with sharing time with the kids. We both get about 50% of the time with the kids each and for the most part this works. The week to week schedule we follow was actually drawn up by the kids). It doesn’t take into account birthdays or holidays. The days just fall as they fall if that makes sense?

For the last three Christmases, the kids have spent most of Xmas eve with ex and family as it is ex-MILs birthday. They tend to come back really late (past bed time). I then have them until about 11am on Christmas Day and then they then go to Ex & Family until the 28th
for Xmas lunch/day and to spend time with their dad. I’ve never been happy with this arrangement. I’ve just mainly bit my tongue and kept the peace but it doesn’t feel fair that I only really get Christmas morning. I want to spend more time and have something fun to do at Christmas too.

Well luckily for me, Christmas just so happens to fall on my weekend this year. So after checking that the kids were happy to stay with me, I have told both ex and ex-mil that I will have the kids from the 24 to the 27th (as technically it falls on my weekend anyway…). They both seemed ok with this but have both now changed their tune.

Ex messaged earlier this week to ask to take them
For a couple of hours Xmas day… and now ex_mil has asked to have them Xmas eve… both of which would interrupt plans I have made and which I don’t intend to change or cancel.

To Ex -MIL I’ve sent a very kind ‘sorry we have plans but the kids will be with Ex from the 27th’.

To ex, I have sent back a short and sweet ‘No’.

But what is it with these people? They’ve had it their way three years running. Why can’t they just let me be for one bloody year!

OP posts:
ZooMount · 06/12/2022 03:12

It will only backfire on you in future years when it falls on his weekend and refuses to let you see them.

TiredRetired · 06/12/2022 03:30

We alternated with Christmas.
One year I would have them Christmas Eve then they would be picked up late by other parent Vice versa next year.
I called Christmas Eve “German Christmas” as it’s tradition there to open pressies and have the big meal then - make new traditions
To this day we still open a pressie on Christmas Eve and have a get together. Their Dad now lives abroad.

Fomn · 06/12/2022 03:47

But you always got a few hours on Christmas when it was your ex's weekend, so your ex is literally only asking for what you always got.

And for ex-mil, we have a family birthday on Xmas Eve and as such Xmas Eve has always busy been about their birthday, it's just not a part of Xmas for my family and I imagine your x-mil may feel the same. Either way I don't think you're being unreasonable to say no since you already have plans, but I don't think she's being unreasonable just asking either.

Yousee · 06/12/2022 04:11

Christmas is a season, not a day. And kids are people, not possessions. Passing them around so that everyone gets the turn they feel entitled to on specific day of the year (which is supposed to be the most fun and magical for children) is a lot crap.
I'd ask to rotate every other year so that the children get a good run at a lovely family Christmas with each parent and sack off this ridiculous pass the parcel nonsense, starting this year.

Itsabitnotcold · 06/12/2022 04:17

DenholmElliot11 · 05/12/2022 22:24

They’ve had it their way three years running. Why can’t they just let me be for one bloody year!

Because the more you give people, the more they want. Stand your ground.

This! They didn't think it neccesary to share the time when you were barely seeing your kids, but now it's reversed uts suddenly unfair.

onlythreenow · 06/12/2022 05:06

But you said you've had them in the past for most of Christmas morning, and now you don't want your ex to do the same? Sounds selfish to me.

Original poster
SweetBlues · 06/12/2022 06:55

Thanks for the replies. To clarify -

My kids are 12 and 9 and they have both said they want to spend this year with me. The 12 year old is very wise to the fact that I’m alone in this country / I have spent most holidays alone and is starting to express that they want to spend more time with me. I think they coach their younger sibling a little here or there but the younger one just seems happy enough to do what his older sibling wants to do. Obviously if the kids were asking to see their Dad then I would accommodate this… the kids always do come first and I try my best to put them first always.

Not having the kids Christmas Eve until after bed time means it’s like not having had them at all. I have not spent any time and when they do get home , it’s late and they tend to head straight up to bed. This year I really want to watch Xmas films and drink hot chocolate with them and just enjoy their company.

Christmas morning, the kids tend to wake up around 9 and are gone by 11. So it has been about a two hour window of time spent each Christmas for the last three years.

Some posters have raised some good questions and I don’t honestly know how best to proceed as my ex and parents don’t ever take my feelings or discomfort into account.

If he takes the kids at all over Xmas day. It’s unlikely I would get them back for a good 6-8 hours+ and they would end up doing dinner with his parents etc … I know these are people and how they work. They will ask for a little, take a lot then explain it away or make apologies later. That is how most things with these people go. It’s been difficult to try to work with over the last few years and it’s only recently that I have been trying to set some
boundaries for my own peace of mind.

But it’s all food for thought.

OP posts:
minmooch · 06/12/2022 07:36

Start now with alternating Christmas and new year. Makes it easier and more fair all round.

After 3 and half years of spending very little time with your kids I would make a stand this year. Your eldest child is old enough for his views to be taken into consideration.

Me ex and I were flexible and amicable with co parenting luckily and decided that not pulling or pushing the kids around at Christmas was in their best interests. The years I find y have them I celebrated before or after with them.

Cas112 · 06/12/2022 07:44

I think this will bite you on the bum when Christmas falls on your Ex's weekend in future. Your going to want to see them for a couple of hours and he has every right to say no 🤷🏽‍♀️

MichaelJaxon · 06/12/2022 08:00

I think you're being unfair about the few hours Christmas day. You sound like you've been really reasonable about the general arrangements of co parenting and it sounds like it's always worked well for you all but especially for the kids.

You have seen your kids each Christmas, but you want your ex to not see them til 27th. How would you feel if Christmas fell on his weekend and you didn't see them from 24th to 27th that's what you have to ask yourself.

Katela18 · 06/12/2022 08:04

I think regardless of if you let ex see them this year or not, you need to revisit Christmas arrangements for future years. The way it has currently been is absolutely not fair. The fairest way is to just alternate Christmases. It doesn't seem fair your ex has had a monopoly over Xmas for 3 years running

Soontobe60 · 06/12/2022 08:08

First of all, I have been in your situation so completely understand.
However, it’s never a good idea to ask the children what they want to do. You’re asking them to make a choice between their parents. That’s very hard for them and they’ll most likely just tell each parent what they want to hear then feel guilty for not choosing the other parent.
Now what you and your ex need to do is make a workable fair arrangement for every Christmas.
I’d suggest that this year they go to their fathers Xmas Eve and you pick them up at 11 on Xmas Day. They stay with you until 11am on the 27th. They stay with their father until 31st and come to you for NYE / NYD.
Next swap around. It’s nigh on impossible to fit it in with your regular arrangements as Christmas Day is obviously on a different day each year. But for the children’s sake, it needs to be sorted and reasonable.

Usernamesarboring · 06/12/2022 08:17

BelleMarionette · 05/12/2022 22:41

You saw your children on Christmas day for the last few years, though not for as long as you liked. Surely it's equitable and fair to allow ex to see them on Christmas day too? It's also worth being flexible to maintain a good co-parenting relationship.

Only until 11 am on 25th and then they were with ex till 28th in addition to on 24th. Does that sound fair?

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 06/12/2022 08:25

You said your kids were the ones who scheduled when you each had custody?
It sounds like they're old enough to decide what they want to do next year, and should make a schedule that suits them, then tell you and their dad what they've decided.

WifeMotherWorker · 06/12/2022 08:25

Stand your ground. Maybe allow your ex to see them up to 11am on Christmas morning, same as you were permitted in previous years. But overall have the majority of the Christmas period then start to think about future Christmas plans so the whole arrangement is more structured and fair.

Looneytune253 · 06/12/2022 08:37

I agree with some of the other posters that have pointed out you've had them for a few hours on Xmas day the past few years so there should be a little bit of wiggle room. Could you not compromise in that they have them for a good chunk of Xmas eve or Boxing Day (Xmas eve might be best as that's their traditional celebration) and then you don't look like the bad guy

Sushi7 · 06/12/2022 08:41

Neither of the set ups are great. Maybe, from now on, you take in turns having the dc on either 24th and 25th or 26th and 27th. This year you have them on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day but next year your ex has them on those days.

Enko · 06/12/2022 08:44

I have voted YABU
Your set up is no fairer than the old one was. I do understand why you have done this.

Negotiate a fair set up. Perhaps one have Christmas eve one Christmas day then back to first parent boxing day and year after the other way around? Or agree all of Christmas week alternative years.

However get this agreed before next year.

One of you having the majority is not fair for anyone

Tempyname · 06/12/2022 08:45

I see your viewpoint but this will come back to bite you if Christmas falls completely on his time in a future year - are you going to be happy not to see them at all too? I’d arrange to take them for a few hours on Xmas or Boxing Day.

girlmom21 · 06/12/2022 08:46

Could you ask that they're home by 7pm on the 24th? It seems a bit unfair to not let him have them at all over Xmas.

AllOfThemWitches · 06/12/2022 08:49

They're not possessions.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 06/12/2022 08:50

Can't one parent have the kids on Christmas Day and one on Boxing Day? That's what we do, otherwise it wouldn't be fair on either of us. I can understand you not wanting them to go on Christmas Day, so maybe a few hours on Boxing Day as a compromise?

KylieCharlene · 06/12/2022 08:50

Are you prepared not to see your dc from the 24th-27th next year/when it falls on his time with the dc.
If you're fine with not seeing them at all one Christmas then crack on with your plans.

AllOfThemWitches · 06/12/2022 08:51

It's not really about what's 'fair' to the parents.

toolatetoloseweight · 06/12/2022 08:52

Given your concerns about not trusting your ex to only take them for a few hours, couldn't you suggest he takes them in the evening on Christmas day - after you've done chrismtas dinner/all the stuff you want to do with them. that way they get a couple of hours with their dad before heading back to yours for bed?
Or they spend Christmas eve day with dad and mil but then you collect them late afternoon/early evening in time for your movie night?