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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to share my children over Christmas?

105 replies

SweetBlues · 05/12/2022 22:22

i have been separated for 3 1/2 years following an affair that ex husband had. We do not have a formal custody agreement and have Been mostly amicable with sharing time with the kids. We both get about 50% of the time with the kids each and for the most part this works. The week to week schedule we follow was actually drawn up by the kids). It doesn’t take into account birthdays or holidays. The days just fall as they fall if that makes sense?

For the last three Christmases, the kids have spent most of Xmas eve with ex and family as it is ex-MILs birthday. They tend to come back really late (past bed time). I then have them until about 11am on Christmas Day and then they then go to Ex & Family until the 28th
for Xmas lunch/day and to spend time with their dad. I’ve never been happy with this arrangement. I’ve just mainly bit my tongue and kept the peace but it doesn’t feel fair that I only really get Christmas morning. I want to spend more time and have something fun to do at Christmas too.

Well luckily for me, Christmas just so happens to fall on my weekend this year. So after checking that the kids were happy to stay with me, I have told both ex and ex-mil that I will have the kids from the 24 to the 27th (as technically it falls on my weekend anyway…). They both seemed ok with this but have both now changed their tune.

Ex messaged earlier this week to ask to take them
For a couple of hours Xmas day… and now ex_mil has asked to have them Xmas eve… both of which would interrupt plans I have made and which I don’t intend to change or cancel.

To Ex -MIL I’ve sent a very kind ‘sorry we have plans but the kids will be with Ex from the 27th’.

To ex, I have sent back a short and sweet ‘No’.

But what is it with these people? They’ve had it their way three years running. Why can’t they just let me be for one bloody year!

OP posts:
Augustlou30 · 06/12/2022 08:55

Ex and I live close to each other. We split it so one year one of us has them Christmas eve and until about 2pm Xmas day then the other has them Xmas afternoon and night then switch next year regardless of who would normally have them. Boxing day is flexible but I often take them as it's my sister's bday. It's what works for us x

BruceAndNosh · 06/12/2022 09:11

If you are worried about him not returning them for 6 hours, suggest he comes over to your house on Christmas morning for a couple of hours.

Tombero · 06/12/2022 09:13

Missing the point, but how on earth do you manage to get your children to sleep in until 9 on Christmas Morning?

sneezingpandamum · 06/12/2022 09:28

Stand your ground OP

I have no intention of giving my ex husband more than the minimum over the Xmas period. If he wanted to parent he should have stuck around and not just dip in and out for the "fun" holidays

If you were me and I'd been on the mulled wine I'd also be reminding him about his affair and why you aren't together in the first place - karma and all

Obviously if I wasn't on the mulled wine I'd just stick with the polite "no"

Floralnomad · 06/12/2022 09:30

Perhaps a compromise would be he can have the kids from 4/5 Christmas Eve and return them by midday on Christmas Day .

Sugargliderwombat · 06/12/2022 09:33

You saw them christmas morning, so I think ex should also get to see them then (or for a few hours).

aSofaNearYou · 06/12/2022 09:33

YANBU. It's time to start formally alternating Christmas, this random "few hours" here and there isn't going to work in this situation. You have them this year and he has them next year. Assuming he wouldn't do anything ridiculous like physically stop them returning to yours on the evening, I would let him have Christmas Eve.

I think it's a bit odd that he always has them for such a big block over Christmas, tbh. In my experience, if one parent has them for Christmas Day the other would have them on another significant Christmas event like Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. It doesn't seem right for one parent to have them the whole time.

Replio · 06/12/2022 09:44

Can you suggest he comes to you for a couple of hours on Christmas day instead?

I think if you don't let him see them at all until 27th you have to be prepared for him to say the same when it falls over his weekend next time. Are you?

Replio · 06/12/2022 09:45

But yes actually alternating Christmas would be ideal. I wish to god my husband and his ex would just do this rather than this stupid tug of war with the kids every year spending an hour here, then there, then back here, then back there. It's ridiculous.

Replio · 06/12/2022 09:47

sneezingpandamum · 06/12/2022 09:28

Stand your ground OP

I have no intention of giving my ex husband more than the minimum over the Xmas period. If he wanted to parent he should have stuck around and not just dip in and out for the "fun" holidays

If you were me and I'd been on the mulled wine I'd also be reminding him about his affair and why you aren't together in the first place - karma and all

Obviously if I wasn't on the mulled wine I'd just stick with the polite "no"

I have no intention of giving my ex husband more than the minimum over the Xmas period. If he wanted to parent he should have stuck around and not just dip in and out for the "fun" holidays

Which is irrelevant here because OP herself says her ex does 50% of the care so nothing like your children's dad. Why should a parent who does 50% of the care not get any of the holidays with them?

If you were me and I'd been on the mulled wine I'd also be reminding him about his affair and why you aren't together in the first place - karma and all

Which would be using your children as a weapon. How nice.

LlynTegid · 06/12/2022 09:48

I'm with the suggestion of Christmas and New Year alternating, this year being Christmas with you.

The point about the child's father pushing any boundaries and your need to stand firm has been well made.

A bit of sympathy with the children's grandmother though.

girlmom21 · 06/12/2022 09:49

sneezingpandamum · 06/12/2022 09:28

Stand your ground OP

I have no intention of giving my ex husband more than the minimum over the Xmas period. If he wanted to parent he should have stuck around and not just dip in and out for the "fun" holidays

If you were me and I'd been on the mulled wine I'd also be reminding him about his affair and why you aren't together in the first place - karma and all

Obviously if I wasn't on the mulled wine I'd just stick with the polite "no"

He had an affair. The marriage ended. That doesn't stop him being a father.

CHRIST0PHERR0BIN · 06/12/2022 10:01

Why do you keep calling them "these people"?

Sunshineandflipflops · 06/12/2022 10:16

I haven't read tft but have read your responses. What me and my ex do at Christmas is that I have them Xmas Eve into Xmas day until after Xmas dinner, then they go to ex's and have another Christmas eve/day with him but a day later if that makes sense? Not for everyone, but they love it and it works for us. We alternate NYE.

If we have bought them joint presents (they are teens and presents tend to get more expensive) then he will often come round on Xmas morning to be there while they open those presents. Could your ex come round to you for an hour or two on Xmas day? That way he sees them but doesn't take them anywhere and risk them being gone for too long and you can get on with things at home while he is there?

Piffle11 · 06/12/2022 10:17

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all!

For me, Christmas Eve is one of the best parts of Christmas, and you don't see them on Christmas Eve… The DC are brought back late that night, and then they're gone again around 11 in the morning: so you get several hours between them waking up and disappearing again, and then you don't see them again till the 28th? I think you have been far too accommodating!

Stick to your guns!

My sister and her ex have always alternated Christmas since their DC was four years old.

Piffle11 · 06/12/2022 10:19

And in regard to your update – I agree that there is no way you would get them back after he had had them for 'a couple of hours' … You'll be lucky to see them again before bedtime. And your exes family would claim this is because the kids were having so much fun they didn't want to spoil it for them.
some people want it all their own way, and will just keep on pushing and pushing and pushing. You need to stand firm.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 06/12/2022 10:21

CHRIST0PHERR0BIN · 06/12/2022 10:01

Why do you keep calling them "these people"?

what's the issue with that?

fruitbrewhaha · 06/12/2022 10:29

As long as you are prepared that next year you don't see them over Christmas.

Original poster
SweetBlues · 06/12/2022 19:06

Thanks everyone. I agree alternating each year might be better. I think after three years running, I’m just really excited to do Christmas my way and to spend more time with the kids. I’ve really missed being about to spend Xmas eve/ Xmas day with them.

Also I hadn’t realised that asking the kids for input on the schedule could be imposing then to choose between each. So thank you to the poster who provided this insight.

And my comment regarding ‘these people’ is because there is a lot of history (as there often is with these things) and it’s not always been smooth sailing.

I often feel like I am a spare part and that my existence as the kids mother is often disregarded, forgotten or just ignored. They often do and say a lot of hurtful things and when I do try to set a boundary or any boundaries , it can feel like a pile on with ex and then his mother texting me and repeating the same questions. Or just pretending I didn’t say anything at all. I’m just venting my frustrations really.

OP posts:
AssumingDirectControl · 07/12/2022 00:37

The good thing about alternating is that the kids don’t have to be shuttling around on Christmas Day. I think if given the choice, most of us would prefer not to have to travel around or split the day up.

My2pence2day · 07/12/2022 02:43

PauliesWalnuts · 05/12/2022 22:27

Genuine question - what do your kids want to do? Surely that should be taken into account? Or are they too young to make that sort of decision?

Surely this?

Liorae · 07/12/2022 02:48

Piffle11 · 06/12/2022 10:19

And in regard to your update – I agree that there is no way you would get them back after he had had them for 'a couple of hours' … You'll be lucky to see them again before bedtime. And your exes family would claim this is because the kids were having so much fun they didn't want to spoil it for them.
some people want it all their own way, and will just keep on pushing and pushing and pushing. You need to stand firm.

That's quite some projecting.

kiwigeekmum · 07/12/2022 04:11

At first I was 100% on your side, but I agree with PP that you'll create problems for yourself next year. A small compromise/plan needs to be reached.

Could you suggest your ex has the kids on Christmas day from 3pm/4pm until bed time? That way they can have Christmas dinner/evening meal and spend some quality time together, but you still get all Christmas eve and most of Christmas day this year (with the understanding that next year ex will get more time and you less, like previously).

It's not unreasonable that both parents get to see the kids on Christmas day, but the previous arrangement hasn't been fair year-after-year.

musingsinmidlife · 07/12/2022 04:16

Your kids aren’t responsible for your feelings of loneliness or your ex’s feelings. That is a lot to put on your kids and then their decision isn’t based on what they want but their need to help mom or dad manage their feelings. It is a guilt trip to do the mommy will be so lonely here all alone if you don’t spend Christmas with me or daddy will be so sad and depressed if you don’t come and visit on Christmas. The divorce and subsequent emotional fallout for you and ex shouldn’t be transferred to your kids.

CJsGoldfish · 07/12/2022 04:24

Genuine question - what do your kids want to do? Surely that should be taken into account?

It can be a really shit place for kids to be. They don't want to hurt either parent so it can be really stressful if they have a good relationship with both.
Sounds like the OP is alone. The children will feel guilty if they say anything other than that they want to be at home with her.

Best for all if a fair and clear plan is drawn up by the adults covering celebrations etc so this doesn't happen in the future. No doubt there will be animosity next year if Christmas fell on his time and he decided not to give a couple of hours on Christmas day. Everyone needs to be on the same page.

He should have the same time as you've had over the last few years this time around imo 🤷‍♀️